Why Badgers Are The Way Forward
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| Planet Gazzypops! - Why Badgers Are The Way Forward |
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| The final act in this study of badgers. And yet this precis is just the tip of a very large kettle of fish. Learn of Man's misuse of badgers and how the plucky little creatures (sorry, gods) cope with their predetermined ordinance. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Much as Moses, Jeronimo (or whoever) warned Man of constructing false god idols out of brass and papier mache, it is sacrilegious folly to aspire to be a badger. Indeed, the child paraded on the cover of Young Badger Monthly, (below) was struck by an enormous black and white bolt of lightning as a punishment from above. God's like that: he hates false badgerly aspirations. And the baby never did it again. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| Badgers have a great sense of humour. When there's a mentally slow badger in a badger group, that badger will have the piss ripped mercilessly by his badger peers, often to the point of suicide. The daft badger below ended his pitiful life by hurling himself into a patch of stinging nettles. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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| But how do badgers wind down from such unrelenting existentialism? In one word; sexual adventure. The badger population often place high-risk bets on how far they can burrow into a vagina or anal cavity, and many a time have I come across a badger emerging from some genital crevice or other with nothing but a cheeky smile and substantial winnings.. This is the oft-misunderstood act of badger-betting (and not badger-baiting, a phrase coined by some tree-hugging hippy who misheard a badger expert describe this very natural phenomenon). It is a joy to see an excited badger, just before a particularly perilous vulva-diving expedition, race to the bookies to put his week's monkey-scratching wages into another crazy bet. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| But what to do after such activities? Well, it has to be a quick pint down the local sett. Yes, badgers are just like us - they like alcohol, sex, taking the piss out of less fortunate peers, and many other apparently human pastimes. But badgers are far more than this; they have a power that we can never have. They control the transcendental, physical, and mental makeup of our planet. They are the real life Keanu Reeves and Lawrence Fishburne; major players in the real Matrix. This also explains why Keith, our lighting engineer, missed that surly badger he tried to shoot on page 2 and instead had his neck snapped off. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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