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Bob Barton opened the door to his tiny New York apartment and kicked his shoes off. He'd just spent twelve hours working on the assembly line of the Sharp Objects In A Bag toy company and found out he'd been fired two years ago and would not recieve any back pay. He eyes his favorite recliner, "Ol' Bessy."
"Bessy" he says "You and I, we go waaay back. You've been passed down for years within my family and all of your years of support are greatly appreciated."
He sits down in the chair and pulls the arm to lift the leg support. The arm breaks off in his hand and the chair reclines back at half the speed of sound, sending Bob flying through the air and into a large, angry wall. Instantly, the motorized back massager in the chair malfunctions and the chair bursts into flames.
Bob rushes to the cabinet and grabs the fire extinguisher and quelches the raging conflagration, only in time to hear the phone ring. He approaches the phone tentatively and answers it.
"Bob Barton," the voice on the other side says "this is Michael Wilsburg, your landlord. Yo' rent's due mutha fvcka, and I believe if you'll cast your eyes to the left, you'll look just in time to see my associate punch you in the left eye."
Bob looks to the left just in time to see a large male in camouflage punch him in the left eye. Bob screams like a little kid as the man calmly picks up Bob's 32" TV and walks out the door with it. Cradling his swollen eye, Bob cringes as the phone rings yet again.
"Bob," a female voice says "this is Elonya. Things aren't working out between us, so I'm leaving you. There is this really nice circus midget named Roy that is promising to show me the world, and I can't pass that up."
"Elonya, what are you talking about, we weren't even dating! You lived in the apartment across from me!"
"True, but I'm stil leavin' yo' happy a$$. But the way I see it, if I can't have you, no one can. I have rigged a bunch of gerbils to explode in about 20 seconds. They should be crawling out from under the counter...about now."
Bob looks over in horror as a small herd of mean looking gerbils carrying C4 in their tiny little hands approaches him. Thinking fast, Bob grabs the grappling hook he'd just bought at Geek Con and repels from his balcony, escaping just as the fireball tears through his apartment. He steps onto the ground below, small commando-gerbils parachuting to the ground below while giving him the middle finger, and realizes his life has just taken a turn for the worse.
*Three years later*
"Mr. Barton, if you'll step right this way I will open the door to your new apartment and you can see what we have to offer at Happy Rabbit Rainbow Woods Apartments."
Bob shivers as the small, bubbly woman opens the door to an apartment. The woman speaks with a think, possibly fake Southern accent, and looks like a reject from an old Civil War movie. She reminds him of Faith Hill if Faith had been run over by a tank, twice. She opens the door and Bob is spellbound by the sheer size of the room. The large, spacey den has a large leather couch accompanied by a love seat and recliner complete with ottoman all facing a large Plasma screen television. Large, hand-drawn paintings of kittens hang above the masterfully crafted fireplace, and a large bar sits in the corner of the room with row after row of beverage. The kitchen houses a large side-by-side stainless steel fridge, with an ice maker and water spout and an insanely large oven, complete with a grill. Before he's even seen the rest of the apartment, Bob is sold.
"I kin see it in yer eyes, you like the place don't ya? The rent is 750 a month, and it's two bedroom. Your roommate will be here shortly. He's such a nice person, you'll get along fine with him. If you'll excuse me, I'll go to my car and get the paperwork to get you signed up."
The woman runs downstairs, seemingly ridin' on purified Dixie. Bob closes the door to inspect his new abode and he stops to inspect the kitty pictures in the living room. Whomever this guy is, Bob thinks, he has a SERIOUS kitty fetish going, something that Bob would playfully jest about to break the ice with the guy. Suddenly, the room goes dark, and a cold shiver washes over Bob. He looks around in a mild panic, and sees a large, scary figure standing at the door. The figure is about eight feet tall, with cold dead eyes, red skin, and a thick reddish-black hair. It approaches Bob, evil eyes fixed, stomping towards him with powerful steps that shake the entire apartment. The creature stands directly next to Bob, glaring at him with nostrils flared and eyes intent, and a bares long sinister fangs that seem to have been created to render flesh. Bob promptly wets himself.
"CUTE PICTURES AIN'T THEY!? The creature bellows in a thick Australian accent that is reminicent of the Crocodile Hunter.
"Oooh, I see ya'll have met. Bob I'd like to you to meet your new roommate, Percy. Percy, meet Bob."
"Jen, I dinnae even hear ye return. Ye're gettin' good with your sneakin' around, but how many times do I have to ask ye not to call me 'Percy.' It's 'Demon.' "
"Ummm." Bob mutters "I do believe I would like to take this time to scream my a$$ off."
"Ha" Jen mock laughs "You're such a hoot, hun. Iffen you'd sign here and here, I cin turn over the apartment keys to you."
"I ...I don't think.. I mean, it's a nice apartment and all, but..."
"JUST SIGN THE DA*N PAPERS!" Jenny shreiks, forgetting her accent.
Bob quickly takes the papers and signs them, watching in horror as Jen drops the keys into his hand and then leaves. He turns around in time to see Percy open the door to his room and watch 3 terrified kittens run the opposite way as Percy approaches them. One kitten turns and runs headlong into a wall, temporarily stunning itself, and Percy picks up the kitten and holds it in his arms.
I love kitties don't you? Percy asks.
The kitten's eyes seem to yell "CALL THE POLICE!" As Percy violently hugs the small terrified creature. All at once, Bob realizes he may have just been paired with the oddest person in New York. |
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Wal-Mart
Bob and the Demon
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