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The alarm clock on the counter top blared obnoxiously, filling the room with angry riffs from Jack White's doctor-donated guitar. Bob reached over groggily and turned the confounded thing off, it was Saturday and he really didn't have much to do, so he figured another twenty minutes of sleep wouldn't hurt. As his eyes closed, he noticed a strange red figure in the corner of his eye.
"BLIMEY, I thought you were goin' sleep all dai!"
With a scream, Bob sprang from the bed and pulled the covers around himself for protection. Percy was sitting beside the bed on a pile of crates Bob had planned to use for basic storage. The demon didn't seem alarmed at Bob's reaction.
"Percy! What the 'ell do you think you're doing?"
"I was watchin' ye sleep buddy. Get used to it as I do it a lot. Ye 'bout ready to go do some grocery shoppin'?"
"...My door was locked, how did you get in here last night?"
"Oh roit, that was easy. I got yer wallet and tried to pry open the lock with some of your credit cards, but they all broke. Then I remembered I was a demon and I burned the door of its hinges and walked through."
"Yeah, fine, whatever. I guess grocery shopping is a good idea. Since all we've got in the fridge is baking soda and some bologna from the last people that lived here ten years ago."
"Oohhh good, I'm GIDDY! Lemme go feed the kitties then I'll be ready ta go."
Bob watched Percy leaved and tried to ignore the large, angry demon's choice to use the word "giddy." Bob walked over to a big box and removed some pants and a shirt that had been worn for nearly a month straight. He figured, first thing he should do that night, was wash clothes, as his socks were roughly the same color as baked fungus.
Suddenly, a loud cry of "DON'T RUN FROM ME YOU LI'L BASTIGE!" came from the den, followed by a frightened kitten running into Bob's room and making a mad dash for the window. The kitten jumped onto the window sill and looked back in time to see Percy charging forward at full speed, thick claws extended, with beady glowing eyes showing fierce determination. The cat hesitated for too long and Percy caught the kitten and "playfully" chastised the small animal. Bob's eyes met those of the kitten, whose eyes slowly moved back towards the window as if to say "I almost made it that time."
***
Bob and Percy emerged from Percy's Chevrolet Cavalier (jokingly referred to as the "Car of the Damned" by both parties) and walked into the Super Wal-Mart. As they neared the door, Percy stopped and violently shivered as if his skin had several thousand ants river-dancing in clogs on it.
"You okay Perc'?" Bob asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine, it's just that. Wal-Marts give me the creeps. They all just feel so....inherently evil."
The duo separated as soon as they entered the store, Bob going to purchase the food essentials for the house, and Percy going to purchase the necessary utensils and other flatware. When they finally reunited at the front of the store, they were met by an unimaginably long line.
"I can't believe this bull," Bob complained "It's saturday at freakin' 2pm and they've only got three registers open. We're gonna be here all freakin' day!"
"No, no we're not, watch me work." Percy stepped up behind the last person in line, and without warning the entire room went pitch black. Light fixtures burst into flames, dark howls filled the room, and horrific cries of pain reverberated through the eerily cold air. The man in lined turned and made inadvertent eye contact with Percy, and went ghostly white. Percy's skin glowed an incandescent red and a sinister aura surrounded him as he leaned close to the man, bared his mighty fangs, and said: "Sock Monkey."
The man's body didn't need any further instruction from his brain. He turned and ran, screaming, into the back of the store and promptly ran head first into a jewelry counter employee. The lights came back on and the store returned to normal.
Bob stared wide eyed at Percy, feeling a fear he'd never felt before.
"What? Don't worry, no one saw that but you and him. Granted, everyone saw him go running and screaming into the jewelry counter employee, but screaming in pain and fear in Wal-mart is commonplace. Now, watch this."
Percy lightly tapped a demure woman on the shoulder, whom turned and smiled at Percy. Percy nodded down to her and said "You do, of course, realize that you're a gigantic pigeon don't you?"
"I am?" The woman asked, fully perplexed.
"Yup. And as a gigantic pigeon, you have no real need for anything in your buggie now do you? If you'll glance outside, I do believe you'll see a big pile of popcorn near the exit door."
Without a word, the woman ran outside and dove face first into the pile of popcorn that had been dropped on the ground by some careless patron. She happily grazed on the stale confection when, all of a sudden, a hawk swooped down and carried her off.
"Dude...." Bob gasped.
"Ah the Hawk, the nemesis of the Pigeon. Why, I do believe we're next in line Mr. Bob."
"What...what happened to the other five people that were in front of us?"
"I'm not sure what happened, but I will tell you this. They all felt a sudden urge to go use the toilet. The same toilet. In fact, in the future, whenever they hear the word "Periwinkle" they'll be compelled to come back and use that same toilet."
Bob stared at Percy, trying to take in the sheer evil that was standing in front of him. The cashier timidly scanned all of their items and Percy paid the final cost with his credit card. They loaded the Cavalier and headed home, Bob sitting quietly and trying to avoid eye contact with the horrific creature driving the horrific vehicle.
When Bob opened the door to his apartment, he noticed four kittens standing in his window sill fashioning what looked like a parachute that'd been constructed with bedsheets. All at once, the kitties turned and noticed Percy, whom smilled congenially and blasted towards the animals. One of the cats shoved all the others off the window sill and lept from the window with the parachute, landing softly on the ground and speeding away at half the speed of light. The other kittens swore under their breath.
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It Starts
Wal-Mart
Bob and the Demon
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