"The State of What The Hell Is Up With Mr. Funny Shoes' Tie"
by Zephyr "Death of Monkeys" McMundersondelsonderson
Is it just me, or does Mr. Funny Shoes have a lobster growing out of his tie? Or is that just a part of his body; possibly a growth from his neck or arm? If you're a concerned or confused citizen, you'll be happy to know that Steps are being Taken to ensure that Inquiring Minds find out just what the Inquiring Minds want to know. To that end, I took a poll of all the sensible people* here at GamePope, Int'l., and we agreed that it was indeed a lobster-based tie. In the interests of Science, however, I give you a few of the non-sensible answers I heard from some of my coworkers on this subject:
"Sometimes lobsters try to eat your tie. It happened to my [uncle/sister/pet rock]." 84%
"It's a spurt of blood from his neck. That's what makes his shoes so funny." 13%
"It's clearly his hand. Mr. Funny Shoes grabbed my ass once, in passing, and I'm pretty sure he has eight or ten small pincer-like fingers on each hand." 47%
"It's definitely the still-beating heart of the last game designer who suggested another sequel to Homeworld. You can tell by the smile on his face." 29%
"I'm pretty sure it's one of Mr. Funny Shoes' modern art twizzler creations. Sometimes he gets tired of holding them up like that and eats some, which is why they're so brilliant. Twizzlers are the ultimate dynamic medium." 0%
"Okay, if that's a lobster, then he and the lobster obviously have some sort of unspeakable relationship, like maybe the lobster launders his drug money, or he's got the lobster's grandmother tied up in the back room so it will pose for the picture. I mean, he's not even looking at the lobster. Who looks away from a lobster?" 6%
"I think the red represents Mr. Funny Shoes' inner rage. Every time someone laughs at his shoes, he dies a little inside. Someday he'll kill us all." 3%
"Who cares about the lobster, what's up with his hat? I mean, is he supposed to be a conductor or something?" 1%
"I drew that, you asshole." and/or "Why don't you try to draw Mr. Funny Shoes, Picasso." 1%
Hearing all these but remaining unsatisfied deep in my soul, I sought out Mr. Funny Shoes himself, and he cleared up all the mystery. See, he's supposed to be a Chef! And he's got a lobster friend that helps him on his cooking show! Isn't that sweet? His name is Harold and he likes sunsets and partially dissolved decaying fish. What he has to do with games and their reviews remains a mystery, but that mystery will have to wait until next time. Until then, this has been an unconditionally meaningless production of Gamepope International.
Betcha never would've guessed it without me.
* Sensible People: Me. Most of the time.