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| My alcoholism began when the egg and sperm connected and began my growth. Somewhere in that connection was a gene, a cell, marked addiction.It had my name on it, and simultaneously, I had its name on me. We became one, to be inseparable until I die. The only way that I could get off the cycle of madness --and even this sentence makes it seem so simple-- was to reach a point where my choices were between life and death. For me, sobriety is life, and drinking and drugging are death. There is no other way for me to look at it. There are options besides Alcoholics Anonymous; however, it is not my intention to seek them out. AA has been my lifeline, a place where I can learn to be comfortable BEING sober, as well as how to live my life a day at a time without hitting the sauce. |
| When I first began telling a few people about getting sober and my consequent involvement with AA, few were alarmed. Nobody, and I mean nobody, thought it was a bad idea that I'd quit drinking. There were those, though, who thought that AA is a Christian organization, and wondered how I'd fit my free-spiritedness into that, if at all. What I told them was what I discovered in the rooms of AA: you don't have to believe in any kind of god at all; just know that YOU aren't it!! Because of the dramatic moments leading to my first meeting, it was simple for me to believe in a power greater than myself, a Higher Power, if you will. GOD standing for "Good Orderly Direction" works for many, and for others, the group (AA) serves quite nicely as a higher power (Group Of Drunks). AA speaks of a "God of your understanding," and many people have found that they can fit their childhood God into their sober life, while others have exchanged that one for a God that is kinder and more forgiving.I love that this Higher Power business is so open to interpretation |
| Serenity Found |
| Preamble to Alcoholics Anonymous Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for AA membership; we are self-supporting through our own contributions. AA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization or institution; does not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.* |
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| out from the din and up from the mire out from wanting painful desire there were no words no hands that could reach me in a moment of grace came a freedom unknown I was once again sane and was suddenly home |
| In sobriety, life has continued on -- there have been family emergencies, job changes, friendships beginning and friendships fading away. The ups and downs that life brings are still a part of the deal -- I found out that sobriety doesn't bring instant saint status. It really gives me the opportunity to live and operate in the world the way other people --non-alcoholics-- have already been living and operating in the world. Those 12 steps, as daunting as they seemed at first, afford someone like me a solid chance at a good life, a life I had no way of acheiving when I was drinking. In those days, responsibilities (job, family, household, personal, etc.) were an annoyance I could do without. Today I really do love being an active participant in my own life, in the ilves of those around me and as a citizen of the world. Pipe dreams can become realities as reality is no longer a terrifying event. |
| The way that I drank was fast and furious, right from the start. I began having blackouts at age 16 and they didn't stop until I got sober just before my 35th birthday. Alcohol provided for me a way out of my reality, a way to feel okay about being me, about being from the family from which I'd sprung as well as a whole slew of things. In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, there's something about how there was a line we crossed into alcoholism, that if some of us had stopped at that point we might not have become addicted to alcohol. For me, that line was likely crossed when I had my first sip of alcohol in my single-digit years. Maybe if I'd never had a touch of alcohol in my life I'd have been saved from alcoholism, but otherwise, it was unavoidable. At a very tender age I began making the connections between alcohol consumption and socializing, acceptance by others, as an acceptable unwinding technique, and possibly the most dangerous connection of all, that alcohol could, if not solve problems, then most certainly erase them. That is the part I attribute to the "nurture" theory of alcoholism, whereas my addiction gene or allergy to alcohol lands squarely in the "nature" category -- it was there, surrounding me at birth. |
| For a good, solid decade, the last decade of drinking, I was a daily drinker. In my earlier days, though --late teens, very early 20's-- I drank whenever I could. At first I was limited to relying on older people buying me booze or using my cuteness to buy it illegally myself, but once I had a job and was of legal drinking age, my drinking escalated. It did so privately and publically -- like so many others I drank as I got ready to go out to a bar, club or party, and then continued drinking once at my destination.; I ended up in unfamiliar places with strangers, unsure how I'd come to be wherever I was with whomever was there. My behavior was dangerous, leading me to dangerous people and places, and I didn't care. There's a strange thing about alcoholism, the thing that I believe helps to keep the ugly cycle going: embarrassment and humiliation lead to more drinking in order to avoid feeling those things. Yet each time I drank it seems that more embarrassing and/or humiliating things happened, bringing on more drinking -- you can see the pattern. At an earlier time drinking had served to provide a sensation of comfort, of fitting in, and escape; in those last ten years it was only an escape. And of course that horrible addiction settles into the body like roots into the earth -- I needed alcohol each day. If I didn't fill that need, I would begin to have tremors, a film of sweat would cover my body and my stomach would begin to churn. No matter how many times I'd said my daily mantra ("Today I will not drink/Today I will not drink"), I had to drink. |
| By the time 1996 rolled around, I drank every day after my day job, and on weekends it was an alcoholic frenzy. Before passing out, I would take my glass into my bedroom, cover it with a piece of paper (to avoid bugs in my glass) and upon waking I would drink the leftovers from the night before. It was my policy to keep enough alcohol on hand for the weekend daytime drinking so that I wouldn't have to face harsh sunlight and perky people right away. My weekends were generally the same: roll over and grab the glass and knock back whatever was in it, refill the glass and drink more and then pass out again. (I called that taking a nap.) Upon waking, it began again, until I had to get dressed and head out to one of the liquor stores for my evening supply. At this point, drinking in public was no longer an option. Not only was it impossible to finance my drinking in bars, but I didn't want to be around people -- since I didn't drink to fit in or feel better about myself any longer, humans were not particularly necessary in my alcoholic drinking. Still, though, humans crave the company of other humans from time to time, so rather than return to "public drinking," I began to use telephone chat lines. These were especially handy for females because it was free to us -- male callers had to pay some kind of fee for so many minutes and I thought I should be earning a commission from the phone chat line companies. |
| Prayer and meditation have been part of human spirituality for way longer than Christianity has been around, so even that was not a stretch for me. Chanting, meditation, and prayer have a calming effect on the mind and soul; what better way to steer one's mind from crazy thoughts, urges to drink or use, and the like? Rather than tune out completely with alcohol and/or drugs, the option of learning how to calm down NATURALLY is a wonderful one. So many of my reactions to people, places, and things were programmed, as I learned, during my drinking & drugging days. Part of getting sober is learning new ways to react to the world --and yes, to my own damn self! -- which is another way that AA meetings, working the 12 Steps, and talking to my sponsor, help me. |
| By itself, using telephone chat lines doesn't sound too dangerous, although it might seem a pretty pathetic way to make human connections. I was very pathetic at that time so it all fits quite well, actually. However, I couldn't leave it at just chatting with strangers (men) and began inviting those I deemed worthy to my apartment. So here is where the danger came into play: lived alone and invited men, sight unseen, into my home. As my self-respect had drizzled to nothing and my desire to live faded to a near flat-line, I invited the men who advertised themselves on the chat lines as being domineering. That is, I invited strange men who were involved in S & M into my home while I was intoxicated. I shudder today as I remember that time, realizing the danger I put myself in. It would have been easy for someone to harm me and never be recognized -- my blackouts rendered me helpless to identify those men who had been to my apartment and my alcoholism made me so sick as to not care what happened. It is by sheer grace that I never was harmed (in ways outside of S & M), murdered or acquired a disease of any kind. This is a primary example of why I was able to grasp the Higher Power concept so quickly upon getting sober -- it surely had not been by my actions, choices, or good judgement of character that I'd lived through that time unscathed. |
| My primary purpose by the time I'm describing was to be drunk and if at all possible to be dead. God knows I'd given death plenty of opportunities to come and get me -- from wandering streets in shady neighborhoods drunk and alone at night to leaving bars with strangers, from alcoholism itself to inviting strangers into my home with the knowledge that they would do whatever they wanted with and to me. None of that had done the trick, death had not collected me, and that is how I ended up going to the roof of my eight-story apartment building one afternoon. I could not stop drinking on my own, I was trapped in an ugly --and getting uglier-- alcoholic cycle and all I knew was that it had to stop. The only way I could see that happening was to take matters into my own hands and jump to my death. And that is when I picked up the phone and made the call that saved my life and why I am able to sit here now and tell you about it. I can tell you my story and I can tell you with certainty that if you are an alcoholic and feel that you cannot stop drinking, there is a solution. |
| Visit Alcoholics Anonymous' web site for information about alcoholism, recovery, meetings, and more |
| Visit the Online Intergroup of Alcoholics Anonymous (OIAA) to learn about online AA, to "talk" to someone now, for meeting lists around the globe and more |
| GOD standing for "Good Orderly Direction" works for many, and for others, the group (AA) serves quite nicely as a higher power ("Group Of Drunks") |
| Those 12 steps, as daunting as they seemed at first, afford someone like me a solid chance at a good life, a life I had no way of acheiving when I was drinking. |
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| The way that I drank was fast and furious, right from the start. I began having blackouts at age 16 and they didn't stop until I got sober just before my 35th birthday. |
| I could not stop drinking on my own, I was trapped in an ugly --and getting uglier-- alcoholic cycle and all I knew was that it had to stop. |
| AA has been my lifeline, a place where I can learn to be comfortable BEING sober, as well as how to live my life a day at a time without hitting the sauce. |
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| Part of getting sober is learning new ways to react to the world --and yes, to my own damn self! -- which is another way that AA meetings, working the 12 Steps, and talking to my sponsor, help me. |
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| It would have been easy for someone to harm me and never be recognized -- my blackouts rendered me helpless to identify those men who had been to my apartment and my alcoholism made me so sick as to not care what happened. |
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| "Je Te Veux" by Erik Satie (1866-1925) provided by Music for Pianos |
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