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| Street Walkers, by A. Mann Summer has officially started and the temperature is quickly melting away the heavy clothes (there is more �skin� pounding the pavement than a late-night Cinemax movie). Young women adorn their curvaceous, supple, tan bodies with hip-hugging-daisy-dukes, backless-spaghetti-straps, and thigh-elongating-sandals. Sidewalk etiquette is a delicate issue. These days, a man walking through the streets of Manhattan has a lot to take in. Any sport-loving, heterosexual, non-pussy-whipped guy has two options: to stare like a salivating bum looking for a chicken leg, or make a conscious effort to look the other way. Staring is rude, but not looking goes against every instinct in our bones. So what is a man to do? Here are some things to consider if a summer hottie is crossing your path. |
| 1) Blinders: Most of the really attractive women get harassed daily, so I try to fight the urge to look, but I inevitably take a quick peek out of the corner of my eye as they pass by. I hate to reinforce their hotness, but like a Van Gogh painting, it�s nice to look at. (rude factor- 1 out of 5). 2) No Shame in Your Game: If you are going through a romantic slump and have lost any sense of dignity or courtesy, might as well look and get your rocks off. Stock up on fantasy material for your pre-sleep, personal love-making sessions. (rude factor- 5 out of 5) But, if you are being �sweated� by the ladies regularly, there is no need to even look. Walk by thinking to yourself how great you are and they will ultimately check you out. Make sure to turn away if she is looking, and make a face that says "you are not good enough for me". - does wonders for your ego. 3) Threes a Crowd: If she is walking in the arms of another man, you can take a casual look. Don�t satisfy the guy by gawking at her. Check out her breasts to be intentionally shallow. (rude factor- 4 out of 5) 4) Don�t Look Directly at the Sun: Not all women have good taste, and there are no dress laws for the aestheically-challeged. For Large, hairy girls, in short, white spandex is like a bad car accident, you can�t turn away. If you can hold back the vomit, and you want to be charitable, give them a smile while focusing at the scenery directly behind her head. (rude factor- 1 out of 5, but if she suspects something, 5 out of 5) 5) Good from Far, Far from Good: From a distance, she has a slender figure, long flowing hair, tight jeans, swanky walk... only to find out that up close, she is a 72-year-old trans-gender make-up whore. Be careful not to make quick judgments in this summer heat. Wait until they get closer or you may be in for a scary ride. If you already commented to your friend on how there�s a "hot chick coming our way", play it off like you were being sarcastic to save face. Then say, "you didn�t tell me your mom hangs out here." 6) Whiplash: The "turnaround" is very questionable and should be reserved for special circumstances. This is borderline amateur stalking. Doing a 180 degree turn after she walks by is blatant and objectifies her. To overcome this problem, watch another guy attempt this you will see how class-less and pathetic it really is. Should be done only if she is sure not to notice you and she is absolutely drop-dead gorgeous and worth a second glance. (rude factor- 5 out of 5) 7) Objects in Mirror are Uglier than they Appear: The "back-shot" girl can cause shivers in 90 degree weather. Tailgating a girl because there�s a hint of her pink g-string creeping out of her pants is understandable, though pathetic. But when you get a better look at her "front" and it�s the Bride of Frankenstein... quickly replace her head with Jennifer Love-Hewitt or a woman of your choice. Usually in this case, if I see a "back-shot", I intentionally refuse to see what she looks like from the front so I leave well enough alone and slow down my pace. (rude factor- 3 out of 5) 8) Caught on Tape: If you get caught staring at her face, its not so bad - just act bashful and shy. But, if you get caught checking out her melons or rump, there ain�t much else to do but cut your losses - pretend to be looking at something else - a store close by. Walk in the opposite direction if necessary. 9) Exception to the Rules: Bras are out. Nipples are in. Headlights are like shooting stars. They come few and far between, so you better look when you get the chance or you will have to wait a long time to see it again. (rude factor- 5 out of 5) NEXT ISSUE: What We Think about How Women Dress. |
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| SUMMER Best of Fegolicious 2008 |