| Rumble 2003 BACK TO ROUNDS 1 - 4 BACK TO ROUNDS 5 - 7 BACK TO ROUNDS 8 - 12 BACK TO ROUNDS 13 - 15 BACK TO ROUNDS 16 - 18 FINALES Brian Wrote: John Madden: Hulk and Paks look at each other and nod. Then he goes this way like this, and she goes toward Malificent like this. It is a familiar pattern if you watch enough football games, you see. . . Mark: Ok, enough let's get on with it. Brian: Hey, you tell your ending I will tell mine ok! Cindy: Just 'cause he's 'President' he thinks he can act like he does. Brian: Hey, be nice this is my creation, my joy, my escape from reality (TV). Tolkien, Lucas, Lee, and the rest: Um, can we get back to the action? Writers: Sorry, yes lets. Carol: Well Paksenarrion charges into Malificent. The evil witch is powerful, but it isn't long before Paks destroys her, after all, if a cartoon prince and 3 fairies can do it, the Paladin of Gird aught to have no problem. Stan Lee: Meanwhile Hulk, and Amalickiah are deeply engaged. Hulk has shrunken considerably, due to all the smooth talking of Amalickiah, and the soothing of Paksenarrion. Suddenly, Amalickiah, stoops and snatches up a knife and plunges it into the Great Green Giant's torso. Or I should say tries to stab him. Yeah, the blade shatters on his skin, sending splinters in several directions. Hulk's skin turn's green again and he gets larger, suddenly he drops to his knees and his skin turns a different shade of green. Robert Jordan: It seems the blade was just strong enough. It pricked his skin and the magic went to work. But the blade had one last trick to play. A piece of the shards got Amalickiah in the eye. He goes down in a disgusting heap as well. Lee: All this excitement is just too much for Longbottom and he runs screaming from the arena. At least he did his part against you-know-who. Elizabeth Moon: And Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner: The greatest Paladin of all, the Lady Paksenarrion! Mark Wrote: George Lucas: Here we are at last! No more participants coming, no one left to save anybody--now it's just down to these five warriors. And none of mine left. Hmm. Surprising. J.R.R. Tolkien: Yes, and none of mine either. Strange. Stan Lee: Well, the Jolly Jade Giant is still there, and he's shaking off a little of the haze of battle now, and he's roaring at Maleficent and Amalaickiah, the Devious Duo who decieved him so duplicitously! And Paks stands beside him, and calls her light. Paks: Stand forth, evil doers! Liart's taint I smell upon you, and Achrya's as well. Come taste the justice of Gird Strongarm! Gorilla Monsson: Amalickiah doesn't seem too scared, and Maleficent is barely noticing her, Brain. Bobby "The Brain": Paks and Amalickiah square off, sword against sword. They seem pretty well matched, really--a swordsman of light and a swordsman of evil. Gorilla: Yeah, if only Paks had a good javelin to use. Anyway, Hulk is charging into Maleficent, but she is holding him back with her magic. It's starting to make him frustrated. Hulk: HULK SMASH DARK WITCH-LADY! Maleficent: I think not, large and stupid mortal. Taste the power of fairy magic! Gorilla: Whoa! She's tapping Hulk with that staff, electrocuting him, Brain! And, strong as he is, he can't break her magical bonds. It's making him awfully angry, but he can't break out! Yoda: But friendless he is not! Regained his courage young Neville has, and come out from hiding he does. His wand he points at the fairy. Sneers, she does. Maleficent: What do you think to do with that, little boy? Do you think any spell of yours could strike me down. Neville: I don't need to. PETRIFICUS TOTALIS! Lee: The Full Body Bind hex! Maleficent is rigid against the ground. Oh, but Neville better hurry whatever he's planning, because she's starting to break free. Neville: MOBILA CORPUS! 2-headed announcer from Episode 1: Amazing! That little human being is quite resourceful! He has animated Maleficent's temporarily incapacitated body, and now he waves his wand, and the evil fairy is sent flying out of bounds! Brain: Now that was smart! Why waste energy trying to kill people if he can just send them out of bounds. Whoa! What's all that light? Paksennarrion: In the name of Gird, Alyanya, and the High Lord! Elizabeth Moon: The silver circle on Paks' forehead is burns with an intense light! Amalickiah, as an enemy of righteousness, shrinks before it, and Paks strikes with her sword! Another enemy of the High Lord is struck down! Lucas: And now there are only three! Paks, Neville, and the Hulk. John Madden: Hulk looks mad though, folks! If we rewind the tape and look here--Boom! See how Maleficent made him writhe in pain. That really ticked him off. Paks: It is down to the three of us, my friends. Let the best of us win. Neville: Well, I don't think we really need to... Hulk: Hulk is strongest! Nothing can stop the Hulk! Stan Lee: So saying, the Hulk plunges into melee with Paksennarrion! Man! The paladin is quite overwhelmed, but she fights on with the strength of her faith. She strikes with her sword, but Hulk catches it in one hand and tosses it aside! Hulk: Little knife cannot hurt Hulk! Hulk will win! Gorilla: Whoa! Brain, he's got Paks locked in a huge bear hug, and the paladin is going out quickly! Neville: No! Don't hurt her! Lee: Neville moves to interfere, but pulls back a huge right hand and--Oh, no! It looks like Hulk accidentally smashed Neville in the jaw with his elbow when he telegraphed that punch! Paks went flying--she looks unconscious. But Neville is in even worse shape. Yoda: A most unnatural angle his neck is in. Broken it must be. Stan Lee: And look at Hulk! He never meant to do that. A grown warrior--man or woman--he could attack. But never a child. He never would have meant to do that. Gorilla Monsoon: Look at the remorse in his face! He looks like he's about to cry. Hulk: <Howls in grief> Brain: Oh c'mon, ya big baby. It's a fight to the death, already! Stan Lee: You don't understand. Anakin: I think I do. Yoda: Shrinking he is! Alone in the rumble is he--only Paks remains, and unconscious she is. But from Neville's body, he cannot look away. Shrinking he is, and now, Bruce Banner he has become. Stan Lee: Banner lifts Neville's poor broken body from the ground and carries him away. Look at the tears streaming down Bruce Banner's face. Apparently, Banner has decided that the Hulk does not deserve to win this one. He voluntarily steps outside the boundary. Bruce Banner has eliminated the Hulk. Mark: which leaves us with our one survivor--albeit an unconscious one. For the second rumble in a row (which was finished), our winner is Paksennarrion Dorthansdotter of Three Firs, Paladin of Gird and the High Lord! Cindy Wrote: Cindy: In the air there hangs an eerie stillness, like to holding its breath. Among the tortured rubble that remains as a sad grave for the mighty structure that once towered so proudly, the final survivors stumble, crouch and creep � RJ: What the heck is this?? Mark: Oh, Cindy�s just gone into full-fledged author mode. Try to humor her. Cindy: - bracing themselves for the onslaught of sparring, battling and slaying that will put an end to it all at last. One question persists in everyone�s mind above any other. Who will be the victor � and who will die. For a supremely arrogant man such as Amalickiah, of course, there is really no question. He will win, naturally, by whatever means necessary, with the help of his considerable skills. Sneering as is his perpetual wont, he slips through the dust and grit at his feet and approaches Malificent. �Great lady,� he whispers in her ear, �surely you see the value in our working together against these pathetic mortals.� �You are a fool,� Malificent laughs with deliberate cruelty, �if you think I need your help to prevail. Are you not mortal yourself? I will test that.� And before Amalickiah can recognize his peril and escape, Malificent has cast a potent bolt from her staff to his skull. The bolt proves Amalakiah�s mortality with a gruesome quickness, transforming his imposing frame into a blackened, lifeless pile of bones and ash. And so, without pomp or grandeur, in agony and ignominy, falls the man who believed himself worthy of kinghood. And what of the others? A holy paladin would certainly sense the intensity of malice streaming from Malificent at the moment of Amalickiah�s death, and the Lady Paksenarrion is no exception. Her light surrounding her like a cogent manifestation of the glory of Gird, she charges toward the slayer of Amalickiah with the sureness born of unflinching faith in justice and righteousness. Mid-stride, she draws her gleaming weapon and waves it in firm challenge against the sorceress. Malificent, startled at first, hastily recovers enough to lift her own staff and direct another stream of brutal power towards her new foe. Paks, however, relies on her keen sense of evil to dodge the bolt entirely, and approaches ever closer to the sorceress, sword prepared for the moment when she can bury its blade in her chest and end a wicked life. Confronted this close with a righteous paladin, Malificent begins to shrink back, unable to bear the sheer force of her goodness. She is vicious, but still possesses enough wisdom not to attempt another attack. Instead, she transforms herself into a lowly mouse and creeps away as fast as her tiny feet can scrabble. Paks halts, frowning. �The evil remains; changed but not truly abated,� she murmurs. For the moment, however, her confrontation with the sorceress has been delayed. Before she can seek out Malificent�s hiding place, she is joined by the massive being who has saved her life more than once. The Hulk comes to her side, even his great shadow unable to extinguish Paks�s light. �Hulk smash?� he inquires. Paks shakes her head. �I�m not sure where she went,� she explains. �Try to stay calm while I look for her.� Hulk, however, has little if any capacity for remaining calm � that ability is reserved for his alter-ego � and must vent his need for smashing upon the surrounding rubble, while Paks starts off in search of Malificent in her humbled form. Malificent has other plans than to confront someone who is capable of withstanding her powers, however. She has found a weaker prey, and prepares to attack. Near the heaps of rock that rest atop Dumbledore�s falling place, Neville hides still from the dangers that had thronged about him. Now, alas, the danger has come to him. Malificent rises up behind him into her true form. Softly, delighting in the certain terror she will see in Neville�s round face, she announces her presence. �Turn around, boy. See the last sight before you die in agony.� Neville, strangely, does not turn immediately. Malificent�s voice has affected him in a manner that she could never have foreseen. The cruelty and mockery in her tone, the confidence in his cowardice and certain death, awaken a memory of another woman who gloried in evil and torture. The woman whose mad desire for power twisted his mother and father into gibbering fools, who see even their own son as a stranger. And the memory sweeps out his cowardice as thoroughly as if it had never existed. Perhaps it never had. Bravery is his birthright, and he draws upon it with a sureness that must astonish Malificent. �I won�t let you win!� he exclaims as he turns about, his wand held high. �EXPELLIARMUS!� Immediately, Malificent�s staff is wrenched from her unsuspecting hand, flying well beyond the boundaries of the rubble. �Foolish boy!� she shrieks, infuriated to be so taken off guard. She prepares to transform herself, but Neville�s senses have risen to a quickness that responds instantly. He lifts his wand again. �Impedimenta!� A vivid bolt flies from his wand and seizes Malificent, turning her solid as ice. Before the spell can wear off, Neville casts another charm to levitate her motionless form, then sends it flying swiftly out of bounds. For all his determination to be rid of such evil, he will not stoop to use the unforgivable killing curse, nor the curse that made his parents what they are. Mark: You�re just copying MY ending now� Cindy: Ahem. Can I help it if you wrote yours before mine? Now, back to my narration� Exhausted by his efforts, Neville lowers his wand and settles onto the ground to catch his breath. By then, Paksenarrion has come upon him, her light diminished now that the site has been rid of evil. �That was remarkable!� she congratulates him. �You have courage of a very special sort. You know what it means to be frightened, yet you fight in spite of your fear.� Turning a shade of red, Neville rises and replies, �Oh, it�s nothing that most wizards my age couldn�t do. But what now? There�s only the three of us left, and I � I don�t want to do any killing. Or be killed, of course.� �No,� Paks replies, looking out across the rubble from one fallen form to another. �I believe there has been enough killing here. It is the paladin�s way to protect, never to harm. And yet � there cannot be three victors. Only one can finish.� Abruptly, the ground shudders with the force of a massive foot. It is the Hulk�s, of course, and in his impatience he has sent a shower of rubble flying. Tragically, Paks is struck by one of the perilous projectiles, and crumples to the ground with a broken head. �Oh, no!� Neville cries in dismay, kneeling beside her. With the glimmer of life fading from her eyes, she looks at him and smiles. �Go on and finish this,� she whispers. �I believe you can.� �It�s not fair!� Neville cries, rising from Paks�s still form. �I don�t deserve this � it should have been the lady.� Mark, Brian and Robert: Darn right! �Or Dumbledore, or Harry, or anyone but me.� Neville angrily brushes the tears from his eyes and pulls his wand ready. �All right, you great ugly troll! I�ll fight you, and I�ll probably die, but at least I can say I tried.� �HULK NOT TROLL! HULK IS HULK!� The monstrous green man comes pounding through the rubble towards Neville. He halts for a moment, confused. �Where lady with sword?� Neville, his face a furious red, yells at him, �You killed her! With your silly foot-stomping, didn�t you realize that?� The Hulk�s anger wavers. �Hulk kill lady?� he says uncertainly. Neville nods, his eyes flashing. The Hulk sinks in dismay. �No�Hulk not mean to kill her. Hulk want to kill dragon lady and ugly man. They try to trick Hulk.� �They already died,� Neville tells him wearily. �It was only the three of us, and now it�s just two.� �Hulk not mean to �� Dismay replaces wrath, bit by bit, until the Hulk is no more and Bruce Banner stands in his place. Disoriented and grief-stricken, he bends down to kneel at Paks�s side. �It was an accident,� he murmurs. �A stupid, brutish accident.� Gently, he closes her eyes. Mark: This still feels very familiar to me� Cindy: What did you expect, sharing a brain with me? Now can I please finish? Neville joins him, sighing. �Maybe it couldn�t have ended any other way, with the three of us. Someone had to go.� Bruce looks at him with a worried frown. �And now what?� Shrugging helplessly, Neville plays around with his wand. �We could both leave. So there�s no winner. I don�t want any more fighting.� �I don�t either.� Bruce gives him a serious look. �But I think you should stay. You had friends here. I�ve spent most of my time too wrapped up in anger to remember much of friends.� Neville shakes his head, but Bruce has decided. Giving Neville�s shoulder a pat, he stands up and walks away from the rubble, his head low. And Neville stands alone, like a flower that still grows where all the mighty trees have fallen. Winner (or is he??): Neville Longbottom Yes. Robert Wrote: FINAL ROUND! FIGHT! J K Rowling: The opening of the final has Neville and Amalickiah facing off. I feel pretty confident with Neville being a wizard against that muggle Amalickiah. Ooh look! Neville: Expellliarmus!!! Amalickiah: Ha ha, liitle "sorceror" what did you think that was going to do? J K Rowling: It... didn't work? How is it possible for a muggle to be immune to magic? Billy Graham: You should probably chalk that one up to Amalickiah having sold his soul to the devil. Hermione: Don't look away now, Neville is trying something else. Neville: (shaking a bit) Phalangicus metamorphosis! Hermione: Oh no! Neville was shaking so badly that his spell missed and turned the Incredible Hulk's hands into a bullhorn and a bucket. Strong Bad: Magical mishap'd!!! J K Rowling: Hulk is on the rampage. Amalickiah dodged the bumrush, but Neville has been trampled! Poor Neville! Stan Lee: Too bad that spell couldn't have turned his hands into a lasergun and an electric guitar... JRR Tolkien: An electric guitar? Stan Lee: What? Those things are cool! JRR Tolkien: Well, the Hulk has become so confused over his hand situation that he didn't notice Maleficent sneaking up behind him. Walt Disney: And now for the evil witch to do what she does best... she pricks Hulk's finger with a magic spinning wheel putting him to sleep! Comic Book Guy: Worst plot device ever! Stan Lee: Noooooo!!! If he falls asleep, he'll lose his anger! Professor X: Exactly. Bruce Banner has already returned to normal size. Nearly-Headless Nick: Ooh, lucky Hulk. Amalickiah gave him the complete job. If only I had been so fortunate! Elizabeth Moon: Paksenarrion rushes to Bruce Banner's side, but it is too late. A severed head is beyond her ability to heal. Paks turns to face the evil Amalickiah. Walt Disney: CHOMP!!! I'm not sure if Maleficent is mad over Amalickiah stealing her kill or whether she didn't want to give him an opportunity to betray her. She turned herself into her dragon form and bit the Lamanite king in half. You couldn't show anything like that in one of my movies! Robert Newell: Sad news for you Walt. After you died... well, let's just say that Disney doesn't release all wholesome movies anymore. Walt Disney: That's it! I've had it it! I'm going to go haunt Michael Eisner! Robert Newell: Well, I think we're all glad he's gone. Now, the final is down to two. Paksenarrion facing off against Maleficent. John Madden: Well, I'll tell you what... I'm going to have to call this one for Maleficient. Paksenarrion has the speed and the sword handling skills, but Maleficent is way bigger. That and the flaming breath I think will give Maleficent the edge. If you'll just look to this diagram I drew up... Yoda: Mistaken yo are. hmmm? Inexperience tells you that size matters. Size matters not. John Madden: Oh yeah! Well clearly... Robert Newell: Can it John, and watch the action. Elisabeth Moon: Maleficent tried to roast the plucky paladin, but Gird's holy light shielded her from the evil witch's flames. What a titanic battle. Robert Newell: Paks has managed to take the flame advantage away from Maleficent, but that old witch has a few tricks left up her sleeve. Inigo Montoya: Apparently Maleficent has watched a replay of her loss to Prince Phillip in Sleeping Beauty. She isn't going to leave herself open to a cheap sword KO like Phillip pulled on her before. Robert Newell: Each has scored superficial hits on the other, but nothing has been too serious. These two seem evenly matched Whoever makes the first mistake is going to lose. Wow! This battle has been going on for a very long time! Smaug the Dragon: And... no Maleficent! Don't!... Well, she wasn't used to fighting in dragon form I guess. The first and unforgettable rule of any dragon is never, EVER, leave your belly exposed. Paks had been knocked to the ground and Maleficent reared up to strike to finishing blow. Paksenarrion was faster. Really! No true dragon would ever fall for that! Robert Newell: Well, Smaug. Maybe you should read... no, wait, nevermind. And in a long, hard-fought battle... Paksenarrion Dorthansdotter, paladin of Gird is the champion! RJ Wrote: RJ: Well, it is down to only five, and before any fighting begins, I would like to ask our guest commentators who they think will win. We'll start with you first, Mr. Lucas. George: Well, I am very saddened by the fact that none of my characters have remained to fight in this battle, and with the evil nature of Maleficent, I think she has a good chance at winning, but even I have to admit that if the Hulk can remain angry enough, he might win out. Stan Lee: Thanks so RIGHT! But still wrong too. The Incredible Hulk will dominate--I just know it! Robert Jordan: I too am disappointed that none of my characters survived (Robert Newell, of course agrees.) I am unsure who might win though. RJ: Thank you all for your opinions and insights; what do you think Sir Tolkien? JRR: I am of the opinion that this Fantastic Rumble has taken all of the fighters to measures that none of them who have gone to before now. I think that with those who remain, the woman, Paksenarrion, has the best chance to win now. (Cheers from Mark, Brian, and others in the audience.) RJ: Well, we have but two others to talk about...How will Neville Longbottom and King Amalikiah fair in the battle? Yoda: Much good Neville has. MMMMM. Very near the Force is it. Paks too strong in the way of good. Sure am I that evil witch nor evil king not win will they! MMMM! Not Santa Claus: Ho Ho Ho. Amalikiah will win. He is evil enough and really ruthless; he will rip the scared kid to bits. Ho Ho Ho! (Other commentators--minus Yoda--nod agreement about Neville.) RJ: Now I would not count Neville out just yet. Remember that one of the rules of the Rumble is that fighters get to battle at the height of their power; thus, Neville is not the timid little boy of 11 or 12 as he has shown himself in the first few years at Hogwarts. He is the Neville that has found courage in the DA during his 5th year. Elmer Fudd: I think that Neville will wreally prwove to bee a good competitwor. RJ: Thank you all, and with that the fighting resumes. Take it away Impressive Clergyman! IC: Battwle. Wrumble. That is what brwings us togethwer wright now! Awre you wreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeady? I said arwe you wreeeeeeeeeeeeeedy? Wready to Fantastic ruuuuuuuuuuuuuumble? Then Fight! RJ: And immediately Maleficent attacks Paks from behind. She is certainly down, but not yet dead. This gives Amalikiah a chance to employ his sneaky tactics. He charges after Neville and Hulk, knowing that the only way to get at the "easy" prey of Neville is to once again calm down Hulk to Bruce Banner. Amalikiah: You are never going to survive this boy. It would be easier for you to run away. Yeah, go and cry to your mommy! Neville: My mum suffers because of You-Know-Who. He is evil just like you are. Professor Dumbledore believes in me, so does Harry and the other Gryffindors. I'll fight you, because I know I have too. But I know that no matter what happens you won't win. RJ: Oh, Amalikiah did not like getting talked to that way by a young man. It seems that he has forgotten that the Hulk is nearby. As the evil king charges after the scared, yet courageous Neville, the Hulk steps in and starts throwing Amalikiah around like a rag doll. Fezzik: He is bouncing like a ball. Inigo: Hulk is strong like a wall. Vizzini: AAAAAAGGGGGG! No more rhymes, it annoys me! Hulk: Go help the Sword Laaa-dy! RJ: Weeeeee! The battle goes on now! Neville runs over to the unconscious Paks and ties to help her, wand at the ready. Maleficent: You are not a wizard boy! Your little powers do not even compare to my darkness. Now you will face the entire forces of the Dark and hell! (She transforms into a dragon!) John Madden: Well, I can see Neville running away scared now. Look at this here. (points to the frightened look on his face.) He won't last much longer. RJ: I am still not so sure. He still has a sense of courage about him. Neville looks down at Paks and sees her sword. Neville: Accio Sword! RJ: Maleficent barrels down on the young wizard and ooooh! gets it in the heart once again. She just didn't learn, did she? Yoda: Told you I did. Evil not win will it! John Madden: WOW! That sword went right through her! (Maleficent screams and falls backward, dead once more.) RJ: Well it is now down to four. As Neville recovers from his first killing, we finally see Paks start to awaken. She looks around for her sword, sees Neville and the dragon and understands. Paks: Come young lad. We must find safety; there still lurks evil around us. R2D2: BEEE BEEBEE BOO BEE DEE BEE DOO DDOP BEE BEEP C3PO: That is right R2, Amalikiah has realized that he stand no chance against the large green fighting machine. Hulk has only been keeping the king at bay, so that Neville could save Paks. But now Amalikiah has turned his attention to the "defenseless" woman and boy. Amalikiah: I told you that you would suffer boy and I will keep that promise! Paks: Your evil cannot hurt the good that is within this lad. You will not win, even if I must die to take you down! Amalikiah: Then so be it! (He stabs Paks in the heart--she falls in a lifeless heap.) VAST MAJORITY of the Audience: Nooooooo! NOOOOOOOOOOO! RJ: Oh, that was nasty. Only three remain. Hulk has finally realized what has happened he charges over to the king and Neville. Amalikiah: Now you too will die! (He raises his sword to finish of Neville who has fallen to the ground near Paks in deep concern.) Neville: Expell-- RJ: Neville was unable to finish the disarming spell. He two has met his end and Hulk did not arrive in time to stop it. The Rumble is down to the final two! Hulk: No! Evil man with sword. Why kill boy and sword lady? Hulk smash you! RJ: Well, to keep this within the proper ratings of a Fantastic Rumble, let's just say that the Incredible Hulk picked up Amalikiah, snapped off his limbs and broke the evil king in two over his knee. The moral: Don't make the Hulk mad! Yoda: MMM! and good win it did! (Faint music begins playing) RJ: Once the battle was over and Amalikiah was dead, the Hulk returned to his form of Bruce Banner. He is a sad man, he grieves for the young boy and valiant sword-fighting maiden he desired to protect, but was unable to fully do so. (Music becomes noticeable--it is the End Title to "Jurassic Park") Yet, even with the tragic end of so many fighters, Bruce Banner accepts the title he earned: Fantastic Rumble 2003 Champion. (Music is now in full force. Credits start to roll.) Stan Lee: HEY! Why is music playing from one of HIS movies? (He points to Spielberg). RJ: Oh that's easy. Tell him Cindy. Cindy: John Williams puts out the best movie music. RJ: And since this is MY ending, I get to choose the end music--I thought this fit best. (Brian nods in agreement. The music continues and the lights dim.) (So, to sum up the winner is Paksenarrion with 3 votes to 1 and 1. Hulk and Neville tie in second place) THE END |