| THE NATIONAL NEWS By Paul Corman STORY OUTLINE |
| Reporter Dirk Davies is a neurotic mess. He's afraid to fly, sleep in tall buildings, shake hands with strangers, eat take-out Greek or play strip poker with midgets. He's on the LA-Toronto flight to cover The Erotic Film Festival for the sleaze-ball tabloid The National News, when he meets porn star Kitty Lunt. She's heading to the festival for the premier of her film, "Kitty, Cats and Pussy". He has a bad dream somewhere over Nebraska and she holds his hand and calms his fears. Sparks fly! Dirk thinks Kitty is funny, friendly and stacked. She thinks he's smart and a gentleman, and his vulnerable idiosyncrasies are cute. She's going to show him how much she appreciates his sensitive side as soon as she finds her brother Eldridge, who has disappeared somewhere in Toronto. Before they have the opportunity to explore their fantasies, Kitty is catnaped by a gang of CIA operatives, led by transvestite agent Bernie (Bernice) Slackbacker. Her missing brother has something the CIA desperately want, and Bernice will stop at nothing to get it, even if it means sodomy, murder and wearing a striped skirt with a paisley top. Dirk must rescue the woman he loves and find her brother, while overcoming his numerous neurotic apprehensions. He is joined in his quest to find Kitty by Sal and Donny a couple of muscle bound porn stars, Bird Man a street person who rescues injured birds and nurses them back to life and Max Copper a retired police detective who sneaks out of 'The Home' late at night to help them with technical advice. Bumbling cousins, Abdulla and Nassir, have been activated by Al-Qaida and sent to Toronto on a mission for Bin Laden. Bin would do it himself but he's too busy with his chef de burger job in a Paris McD's. Abdulla and Nassir have little interest in 'the cause' and would rather be back home in Akron, Ohio studying Taxidermy. They enjoy the good life in America and fear that their camel jockey relatives back home are sending them on a mission to get their asses shot off. While doing some work for the CIA, Eldridge discovered that a mental patient who escaped from a Toronto hospital is an Alien visitor come to prevent humans from destroying earth. He lost his powers when CIA agents stole his energy crystal. Eldridge has the crystal hidden in the heel of his shoe and wants to give it back to the Alien and save the world. The CIA and Al-Qaida want the Alien and the crystal so they can use it to blow each other up. Eldridge is injured in a pie-throwing incident when some students are celebrating their graduation from pastry-chef school. When he regains consciousness, he is in a homeless camp under the Gardner Expressway and has lost his memory. He meets the man they call 'The Messiah', who preaches love for all living beings. He can cure athletes foot and make traffic lights change at will and believes he came from another planet. With the CIA and Al-Qaida close behind, Dirk must find Kitty and her brother and return the crystal to the Alien to save the planet. He and the others do their best and maybe, just maybe, it's enough-before time runs out for everyone��. |