| HOG TOWN ONE By Paul Corman |
| The wide screen TV was tuned to CNN. The sound was turned down low, so no one in the room could hear the cries of those being beaten and trampled by Police horses. "I still think we should just shoot a few of them," President Jerry Shrub said. "We tried that in Iraq, remember Jerry? Look where that got us," said Dick Rick, the Vice-President. "Now Jerry don't go getting yourself all worked up," Laura Lee said. She sat beside him on the couch, eating a bag of bacon bits. "You're going get your psoriasis coming on again." He scratched at his ankle at the thought of the green scaly rash that frequently sprang up on his legs, when he tried to think for himself. "And don't start scratching at it. You'll only make it worse." She exchanged looks with Dick Rick. "Just read your script and think about talking to the people of America," Dick told him. "Remember you're their good old boy. We need some sincerity. What you're doing is so they can stay free and keep driving their cars and shopping, without terrorists protesting over their so-called rights. That's what the American people want." "OK Dick. Say did I tell you I asked God last night if this was the right thing to do and he didn't say no." "That sure tells you something doesn't it dear," Laura Lee crooned as she opened another bag of bacon bits. "Gime some of those," Jeey said reaching for the bag. Laura Lee pulled back and bared her teeth, then smiled. "You got to go on TV in a couple of minutes. You don't want bits of food stuck between your teeth do you?" "Ah shucks," Jerry said and leaned back in the couch and read his script, with a pouty look on his face. "Wrinkles, wrinkles," Laura Lee chirped. "We don't want the people of America to see their leader with frowny wrinkles now do we Bumsky. Come on give Poopsy a big smile. Bigger. Bigger. That's my little man. Now you compose yourself for the TV." She exchanged looks with Dick Rick again. "Two minutes, till air time," Dick said in his most enthusiastic voice imitating Ronald Regan. "One for the Gipper!" "OK Dick," Jerry said cheering up. "One for the Gipper." On TV the police were dragging protesters to a big windowless bus, clubbing and kicking them if they resisted. Some of the more youthful and buxom females had their tops torn by over eager rookies, as they threw them to the ground and handcuffed them. A newspaper reporter held out his press credentials while two of Washington's finest smashed his camera and beat him to the pavement. Jerry Shrub took his script and moved over to the desk. The hot lights began melting his makeup. The make-up technician powdered his face and brushed the dandruff off his shoulders. "How you doing sugar?" the President asked as he tried to slip his hand up her skirt. She smiled and slapped him playfully with the brush. Shrub scratched the scaly growth on his leg. "Ten seconds," the TV director said. "Three, two, one." "My fellow Americans," he began. Reading from the teleprompter. "If you have been watching your TV lately it will be obvious that our country is in a state of turmoil. Disloyal factions within the Liberal community are doing everything they can to interfere with the rights of freedom loving people all across this great nation. "I have received reports for Home Land Security that many of these traitors have ties to terrorist organizations in other parts of the world. Many of them have traveled to France and Cuba where they learned to speak foreign un-American languages, cook gourmet food and participate in immoral sexual activities. "It is with a heavy heart that I come before the people of America to announce what your government is forced to do to secure the freedom of the citizens of this wonderful country. "I know everyone is looking forward to an election this fall. No one more so than myself. But secret documents have been discovered that outline a Liberal conspiracy to disrupt the voting by running their own candidates. "Therefore, to save democracy I am announcing today that I will not be running for a third term. Even though Congress just passed a bill making that legal. Instead I've decided to re-schedule the elections until next year. Or at least until Home Land Security has been able to round up all the traitors and Hollywood actors who oppose freedom in this country. "Over the next few months we will be giving the men and women in law enforcement who defend and protect your rights some added tools in their war against terrorists. If you should become aware that someone is listening in on your telephone calls or opening your mail, remember, you are part of a great team. A team that is keeping America strong and free. "I urge you, if you know of anyone, friend, co-worker or family member who harbors traitorous thoughts and has said something bad about your government-be sure to report them. At the bottom of your screen you'll see an 800 snitch number. Call any time, day or night. "And remember kids, if you're reporting your parents, be sure to show the police where they hide their dope stash when they come to arrest them. "A nice social worker will take you to live with a family that loves you and will teach you how to shoot guns and laugh at poor people. "So remember, only if we all pull together and support your government without whining or complaining can we keep this country strong and free. Together we can help the rest of the world find freedom and happiness. It's what I want. It's what my wife Laura Lee wants, and it's what God wants. Good night America. "How'd I do?" Shrub asked, scratching his green scaly rash. "Oh, Jerry" Laura Lee said dangling a bacon bit over his upturned mouth. "You were fantastic. Pooosy might have a little something special planned to reward her big strong man when he comes to bed tonight" Jerry smiled. That was the kind of talk that made him happy. She sure was a good woman he thought. He always liked it when she let him sleep with his teddy. |
| THE BIGGEST LIZARD OF THEM ALL |
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