Leno
How many of you went drinking last night on Cinco de Mayo? How many of you called in today "Sicko de Tuesday�.
President bush has finally come up with what he thinks is a solid economic plan. He�s going to give all the money in the treasury to former education secretary William Bennett and let him bet it on red.
As you know he�s been the leading voice on family values. Unfortunately the families are the Gambino family�the Bonanano family�
Eight million dollars! That�s a lot of money! I thought the only thing republicans gambled on was the economy.
Bennett said, "it�s a private matter and it�s nobody�s business but his own.� See that�s the difference between democrats and republicans. Democrats want to investigate your finances and keep their sex lives private and republicans want to investigate your sex life and keep their finances private.
I�m just trying to figure out who lost more this year Bennett on the slots or Governor Gray Davis on the budget.
Just before the war with Iraq started, Saddam Hussein�s son Qusay took a billion dollars in cash out of Iraq�s Central Bank. They hauled it away in three tractor-trailers. How�d you like to be stuck behind him at the ATM?
With Saddam Hussein gone, prostitutes have returned to Iraq for the first time in 20 years. In fact, the Iraqi prostitutes even have a slogan: "now you don�t have to walk a mile for a camel.�
Prostitution son the streets of Baghdad - this proves a democratic government is right around the corner. You got hookers - congressmen can�t be far behind!
Our old friend Ed McMahan is hosting a new show. He�s going to china to host "SARS search�.
According to "Entertainment Tonight� Michael Jackson is house hunting in Florida. Looking for a house in Florida. He told the realtor that his biggest priority - a good school district.
Letterman
Coalition forces in Iraq have captured Doctor Germ. She�s also known as Mrs. Anthrax, I believe Germ was her maiden name.
The first Burger King has opened up in Baghdad. The new place has employed the 8 of clubs, the jack of diamonds, and the king of spades�
Conan
Did you have a happy Cinco de Mayo? When President Bush was asked if he celebrated he said, "No, I�m still not happy with the French.�
Kilborn
Good news � K-Mart has bounced back from bankruptcy. They have even hired back the guy that spreads the pins out on the floors of the dressing rooms.
Monday Night May 5
Leno
Happy Cinco de Mayo everybody! For those of you not familiar with Cinco de Mayo is a holiday celebrated by over 80 million Mexicans�and that�s just here in L.A.!
If you don�t know, Cinco de Mayo, do you know what it celebrates? It celebrates the battle of pueblo where the Mexicans beat the French. Which is so hard to do�
Imagine if the French had won. Not only would they be sneaking over the border, they�d be rude too.
Congratulations to Funny Cide, winner of the Kentucky Derby. I ready today something like $1.6 million was waged at the Kentucky Derby; but enough about Bill Bennett.
But he says his gambling is a personal matter, and he�s not doing anything illegal and it�s nobody�s business. Or as he calls that in his book, the Clinton defense.
All the politicians in Washington think Bennett is wrong. I mean, gambling with his own money. Who does that?
It�s started already. The candidates are getting ready for the 2004 election. So far the front-runners for the democratic nomination are Representative Dick Gephart, Senator John Kerry, former Governor Howard Dean and Senator Joe Lieberman. Or as the bush calls them, the ace of spades, 2 of clubs, ace of clubs and ace of diamonds, queen of hearts.
The wall street journal today published a treasury department plan that calls for training stockbrokers in Iraq on how to make money. Iraq? How about training our stupid stockbrokers?!
This SARS thing is getting scary. Yesterday in a Chinese restaurant I got a fortune cookie that said, "laughter is contagious�.and so is your waiter.�
Give you an idea how scary this thing is. Today France surrendered to China.
Letterman
Happy Cinco de Mayo! Hard to believe a few years ago at this time I was having a Cinco de Bypass.
The best movie over the weekend was "X-Men: Two�, it made $85 million opening up this weekend. It�s about a group of mutants that want to take over the world. There�s Storm that wants to take over the world, there�s Nightcrawler that wants to take over the world, and there�s also Donald Rumsfeld.
Over the weekend was the Democrats first presidential debate. Nine guys took part in the debate, what a dreary group. George W. Bush took one look at them and said, "I may win this one fair and square.�
Dick Gephart is going after that Democrat base. He promises to bring sex back to the Oval Office.
On Saturday the first ever all nude flight took off from Miami. If you want to see a bunch of people ride naked why not just go on the subway?
Everyone on the flight was nude � even the terrorists.
The Kentucky Derby was won over the weekend by a gelding that was bred here in New York. It�s unusual for a gelding to win. This is the most famous gelding from New York since Frank Gifford.
Kilborn
Did you see the Democrats debate over the weekend? The debate was so boring that ABC is going to pick the show up for its fall schedule.
Half way through the debate Al Sharpton ordered a pizza to his podium.
The winner was anyone with a remote in their hands.
Friday Night May 2
Letterman
Mayor Bloomberg wants to close down 40 firehouses. I've said it before and will say it again - this guy is a public relations genius!
Winona Ryder was sentenced to 500 hours of community service for shoplifting. Last week she completed her sentence, completed all 500 hours. The weird thing - the community is now missing.
There is now a Burger King in Baghdad. The prostitutes are now back in the streets of Baghdad after 25 years. Fast food and hookers...they are living the American dream.
Conan
Did you see President Bush land on the aircraft carrier yesterday? President Bush told reporters on the carrier after he landed that the pilot actually let him fly the plane for a little bit. In a related story Dick Cheney said that he once let President Bush run the country for a few minutes.
President Bush also had dinner with 150 sailors - because he wanted to know what it's like to be like Christina Aguilera.
Kilborn
There's a new cartoon in China. Spongebob White Mask!
Thursday Night May 1
Leno
Historic day today � big day in history. Earlier this afternoon, President Bush became the first president to land on an aircraft carrier riding in a jet. He landed in a jet on the Abraham Lincoln. You know, the last time a president landed on something that big. He got impeached.
He was on the carrier to give a speech to announce the end of combat in Iraq. Not the end of the war, the end of combat. He warned there are still "pockets of resistance�. The Dixie Chicks, Susan Sarandon, France, Howard Dean�.
I was reading in "Varity� today about the Dixie Chicks, music industry insiders say the Dixie Chicks might have to change format to sell records. They�re thinking about switching from "country and western� to "country and middle-eastern.�
Right now in Florida, they�re trying to decide what to do with those 6 million punch card ballots from the 2000 presidential election. They�ve got 6 million of them and they�re trying to figure out do they save them for historical purposes or do they destroy them. I got an idea - how �bout countin� �em?
I got caught in a dilemma today. I bought a SARS mask that was made in China.
This SARS epidemic is really bad in china. This is the worst thing to hit the Chinese people outside of a government tank.
Seven passengers on a northwest airlines flight were slightly injured when a runaway beverage cart rolled the entire length of the plane and whacked 7 people in the knee�.. Luckily, one of the pilots was able to shoot out its tires before it did any damage to the plane.
Have you flown lately? It�s like a nightmare flying now - drunk pilots, pilots with guns, naked pilots, runaway beverage carts � no wonder nobody wants to fly � it�s safer to take Amtrak.
Earlier in the week a 4.9 earthquake hit southern states. The good news is no one was killed or even hurt. In fact, the only real damage was in Arkansas � a porch fell on 5 dogs.
A man in Detroit is suing McDonald�s after he claims he bit into a piece of already chewed gun in his salad. Do you believe him? I don�t believe him? Who orders a salad at McDonald�s? Shut up. Have you had the salad? I�d rather the chewed piece of gum.
NBC has a new reality program called "America�s Most Talented Seniors�. And Fox is planning a "Beverly Hills 90210� reunion show. Here�s the ironic thing � the same people are going to be on both shows!
Letterman
Boy last night we had a bad audience. No laughing, you couldn�t hear them due to their SARS masks being on.
The 150 anniversary of Central Park is coming up. (applause) Have you ever been through Central Park? (more applause) Well then you�ve cheated death. As you know Central Park is 800 acres of beautiful unused land inside the city or as Donald Trump calls it � a waste.
They�re busy getting ready for the 150th birthday of Central Park. They are busy sprucing things up � busy brushing and clipping the rats.
Saddam Hussein may still be alive. He�s reported to be sending faxes to a London newspaper. In the latest fax he said he�d like to thank the Dixie Chicks for their support.
Today from an aircraft carrier President Bush will announce that the war in Iraq has been won. I believe this is his first victory that�s been uncontested.
He made the announcement after landing on an aircraft carrier. The last time a president landed on anything that big�.(laughter and long pause)�It was Bill Clinton.
Conan
Today President Bush landed on an aircraft carrier to address the nation. And next week he�s going to take a ride on a big red fire engine!
The Chinese government just launched its first 24-hour cable news service. Since the news has to be reported favoring the ruling party the channel has been named Fox News.
Kilborn
Today in Hollywood it was "take you son to rehab day�.
Wednesday Night April 30
Leno
Everyday on my day to work I see this billboard it says, "live nudes.� I always assumed it was an ad for a strip club, it turns out it is a recruiting poster for Southwest Airlines.
Here�s something i read in the wall street journal, according to a recent survey, one of the best business to have right now is a survival supply store that sells gas masks and emergency supplies. The worst business right now � the "kissing booth� at the Beijing Carnival.
I think the World Health Organization may be overreacting. Today, the world health organization ordered that the Great Wall of China be replaced with a giant sneeze guard.
The government said today they want to get out the message that SARS is not terrorist related. It�s a natural form of disease. That�s comforting to know. It�s not al- Qaeda trying to kill us, it�s mother nature now.
Twelve more uniformed men surrendered last night. But enough about the Timber Wolves!
Did you see this? In Iraq yesterday, a bunch of American G.I.�s challenged some Iraqi kids to a soccer game, and the Iraqi kids won the game 7-0. The one time Iraq wins a game, and Uday didn�t get to see it.
Actually the Iraqi kids knew in advance what our team�s strategy was from listening to Geraldo.
The government announced today it needs to borrow 79 billion dollars. Hey what happened to all the money we just gave them on the 15th? That�s gone already? What, does someone in the treasury department have a gambling problem? Could we see receipts?
Cuba has been reelected to the U.N. Human Rights Commission. Who says the U.N. is irrelevant? Appointing Cuba to the U.N. Human Rights Commission is a little like appointing Michael Jackson chaperon for the Vienna Boys Choir.
The ratings for Monica Lewinsky�s new show "Mr. Personality� fell 29% from last week. What is about this woman, even her ratings go down?
A Florida woman is charged with stabbing her son in the buttocks because he wouldn�t get up for work. It�s a terrible story, but I�ll tell you one thing�he got his ass out of bed this morning.
In Great Britain a man committed suicide by drilling a hole in his head with a power drill. Here�s my question � do you think he put on the safety goggles first? You could put your eye out. The toughest part was using the punch to center the drill.
Happy Birthday to rap star Master P, he turned 34 today. He had a big party. Everybody was there, Mr. T, Kenny G, Sheila E.
You know what kind of car he drives? A Datsun Z.
Police in Vancouver, Canada arrested a man who pulled into a McDonald�s drive-thru naked from the waist down. That�s when you know McDonald�s is fattening. When people can�t fit in their pants anymore and they�re still eating there.
Conan
The latest Hollywood gossip is that Al Pacino and Winona Ryder are dating. Turns out Pacino is not really dating her, but he�s studying for an upcoming role as a criminal.
Tomorrow President Bush will announce that the war in Iraq is over. As a result he can now resume his war on the English language.
Kilborn
In Iraq, street vendors are able to sell porn again. No wonder all the men looting were taking couches and TV�s.
Yesterday a 4.5 earthquake hit in Alabama causing damage to homes and trucks. The big tragedy is that the earthquake could be responsible for up to 1,000 new country and western songs.
Tuesday Night April 29
Leno
This SARS thing is getting scary. In fact, there�s a new strain today even more dangerous - SARS with MSG.
I tell you one good thing about this SARS ... there�s now no waiting at Asian massage parlors.
You know who had a birthday yesterday? Saddam Hussein�s 66th birthday. I heard at his party three naked women jumped out of the cake - the Dixie Chicks!
Today Iraq�s oil minister surrendered to U.S. forces. This came as great news to our American oil minister, Dick Cheney.
President Bush said he�s worried that Iraq could be overrun by religious fundamentalists. Hey, if it�s good enough for the Republican Party, it�s good enough for Iraq.
Later this week, President Bush is coming out here to California. Boy, he thought the government of Iraq was screwed up, wait till he sees the government of this place! Wait till he gets to Sacramento!
Hustler magazine�s Larry Flynt is reportedly offering $1 million for a videotape of first daughter Barbara Bush nude at a party at Yale. How embarrassing is this for the first family? You spend 21 years trying to raise your daughter right and she grows up to be a Democrat!
Hillary Clinton�s new book is finally due out in June. They say n the book she actually discusses how her marriage works, so I guess it�s a mystery.
Cinco de Mayo celebration began this past weekend here in Los Angeles. The theme this year: Why wait till May?
For those of you not familiar with this holiday, Cinco de Mayo celebrates a victory of Mexico over the French army in 1862. Beating the French, who hasn�t done that? I think the pi�atas put up more fight than the French.
Last night I�m watching TV and I thought to myself, "Boy, that guy Kevin James from 'King of Queens' really gained weight." Then I realized I was watching Monica lewinsky on "Mr. Personality.�
Letterman
I�m so happy to see this audience. You look nice, a friendly happy audience. You know me, I don�t like to talk to people when they�re not here, but last night�s audience was ugly. After the show I found out that 14 of those Iraqi card guys were in the audience.
Don�t kid yourself; are you worried about this SARS? Today Tom Ridge said in order to protect yourself from SARS to put duct tape over your nose.
On Thursday President Bush will declare the war in Iraq to be officially over. Now he can concentrate on squandering his high approval rating.
For three weeks or so there�s been a guy running around Baghdad claiming to be the mayor of Baghdad. They�ve never had a mayor and this guy was running around claiming to be the mayor. Well, they arrested the guy � turns out it was Sean Penn.
In the world of publishing, Hillary Clinton, our senator here from New York, will release a 600-page book about her years in the White House. Six hundred pages? That�s pretty good for someone who didn�t know what was going on there.
Conan
Yesterday was Saddam Hussein�s birthday. People now think he is alive, because yesterday they saw a clown and a stripper going into an underground bunker.
Colin Powell says that "We have no plans to invade Syria or Iran." Donald Rumsfeld then replied, "Yeah, like he�d know."
In Alabama this morning a rare earthquake shook the South. No major damage was reported but thousands of those mounted singing fish were simultaneously set off.
J. Lo and Ben Affleck were recently seen at a Boston Red Sox game. The stadium was packed because it was J. Lo�s ex-husband day.
Kilborn
Michael Moore has stepped down his anti-war rhetoric. The bad news � he�s going to be nude on the cover of "E" magazine.
From: Newsmax.com
