Today I woke up late. I just slept in. I don't know why but even though it was kind of chilly in the morning I kept waking up in a cold sweat. Literally the sweat would drip off my skin. I don't think I had any disturbing nightmare or anything.

I strolled into work around 11am. I was going to work a short day and leave early but decided to stick around for a little longer. Called up a friend and had dinner at a diner called the Continental. It looks like a diner, but boy is this place decked out. Definitely the most expensive diner I've been to. After that hung out at a friend's place for a while.

Later I had a talk with a friend...someone I've been wanting to talk with for a while...but when we talked...I had absolutely nothing to say. Argh. I hate when that happens. I feel like such a blithering idiot on the phone. Totally made me wish I was the smooth-talking, suave, but comedic life of the conversation kind of person. I don't want to, but I can't help but feel so down on myself.

Dang...my roommate just walked in. He called me earlier when I was out and asked if I wanted to go to AC. When I got home he was not here and so I thought maybe he went.

This morning I woke up at 5:30am to go to work. I made the mistake of not getting coffee this morning. Man was it tough to stay awake. Left work around 1pm to rest up at home. Then went back to work at 4:30pm. It was so nice to catch a quick nap during the day. This morning when I woke up though the weather was so nice and the sunrise was so pretty, painting the sky all the different shades of red and orange, all the while listening to DJ Sammy's Sunlight. It really was perfect.

After work Yujin, Lynnette, and myself cooked up a really big dinner. It was good. I have to be careful about what I eat now since my throat is getting very raw.

I'm watching Fall Story again. Boy is it sad...really, really sad. But watching it makes me really really want to have a younger sister.

Most of you probably won't care, but my link of the week is a Korean video by Ahn Jae Wook - "Friend". Ahn Jae Wook is a Korean singer/actor, but his popularity is more prominent in China, rather than in Korea. This song has a very chinese sound to it, and I think is really a remake of a chinese song. I really like it. BTW...if any of you know what or how the MMS protocol works, please let me know. I'm trying to figure out how to record/save these music videos.

I got out of work today around 4:30pm. Went to the store to buy some food and made dinner. Although not fancy, I think my roommates enjoyed it. It was just some bool-goh-gi, some baked fish, and some shu-mai.

If you know being honest is the right thing to do, but you also know that no good will come of it, what should you do? I think back to a sermon I once heard about taming the tongue. THINK - (T) is it True? (H) is it Helpful? (I) is it Inspirational? (N) is it needed? (K) is it kind? I'm not sure this applies though. Just some of the things that are going through my mind.

Well it's almost one in the morning. I need to go to sleep soon. My roommate is sleeping and so I gotta make this quick. Relationship between the both of us has been kind of like walking on egg shells lately.

Lately things just feel so complicated and burdensome. Interpersonal relationships are going to shit, and so is my health. Everyone tells me to take care of myself, but at this juncture, I really could care less.

I'm trying to keep myself busy at work. Trying to keep my mind occupied. Even so those efforts are futile as my mind drifts back to dark places. I think I'm totally being transparent in my descructive actions, but I know it's just a phase that I need to go thru.

And if you were wondering...yes I did fall off the wagon, as my friends would say...but this is how I know how to deal.

God truly humbled me last night. I feel like he snapped me in two. I just wanted it all to end and it did...and yet last night I was thinking about how to make it end. If I'm speaking all ambiguously it's because it's only for me to know.

Yesterday I didn't get any sleep really. Just laid there in bed. Got up and showered. Went into work early for the heck of it. I just needed to get out. I wish work could be my escape, but even at work I can't escape it. As I went to the Navy test site, I had to wait outside since the sailors were raising the flag, and the national anthem was playing over the speakers. It totally reminded me of living life in military housing. Some co-workers also complained about spending so much time at the test site. Said something like we should be appreciated more. I suggested there should be cots there so we could lay down and take a break from time to time...sort of like when doctors are on call or something. Another co-worker quipped, "But we do have COTS - Commercial Off The Shelf". I thought that was pretty hilarious, and we all had a good laugh. For those of you who didn't get that joke, it's because military likes to use mil-spec equipment. The military wants to know what they have and the probability that it'll break down. So for example something as simple as a hammer, they want to know it's probability of failure, so it has to be tested and tested to its breaking point. So you see the cost of military equipment is expensive even if it's as simple as a hammer. But since military spending is so high the military is trying to use more commercial products, which they refer to as COTS equipment.

Well back by popular demand...my "real" weblog. I still want to do something different. I'll have to think of a way to make this different, but I guess in the mean time I'll just continue what I had.

I have so much to say...but no one to say it to. I hate being so transparent. People can read me like an open book, and I hate that. I guess it's because I can't hold things in. When I have something to say, I want to say it.

Anyway work has been pretty darn busy lately...but I that's the last thing that's on my mind. This week I've been getting normal amounts of sleep but at work I feel so tired.

I wish I had an escape that no one else knew.

I didn't get any sleep last night. I couldn't fall asleep. I just laid there in bed listening to music. My roommate thought I was sleeping when he came in. We talked for what seemed like a little bit. I took a shower and came to work. It's all so weird. I just want to escape, from people, from things, but even more, myself. I really hate who I've become. I hate that I can't control who I am. There's a song last night I heard that explains exactly how I feel. It's a song I've listened to a million times before, but I guess I've never really once paid attention to the lyrics until now.