Did you ever see 19?? I don't mean when you were 19. I mean get a chance to look back. I had that chance tonight. I saw 19 again in the strangest of places.. at a funeral.
Don't get me wrong I don't cruise the obits looking for bereaved women to hit on. A friend of mine's father died last Saturday.. I met that friend through an old girlfriend back when I was 19. It turns out she was handling the wake. I haven't even seen her in in 6-7 years as our circles rarely cross. That's my fault. I was pretty hot headed at 19. Iwasn't the smartest guy on the block. I dumped her at 19.
So imagine my fear and curiosity.. in this worst of situations to see her again. I was nervous as hell.. not just about the viewing and the rosary and the mass and the graveside service.. the wake was at her house. So today, dressed in my best black suit and subdued tie I went to a church for a funeral.. and to see 19.
I didn't even know I was looking for it. And there she was.. mid way through mass (I'm not catholic) I saw her over my shoulder and caught her eye. She flushed like she had seen a ghost. Many of my friends donÕt even know who she is.. not in the way i did for 4 months at 19. My appearance was most unexpected. Let me give you a little background.. at 19 I was a nihilistic know it all with a punk rock fashion sense (ok I'm dating myself.. because punk rock wasn't retro then). I looked at authority in any shape as a roadblock to my will... my sense of being and my sense of adventure. In short..I was jerk to a lot of people. I didn't take advice or take shit. And one day.. in my nihilistic crapped out pill zoned state I met this really.. mean girl at a concert camp out. She was 5-4, red brown hair and model good looks. She was screwing with me for being stoned. I intensely disliked her.
Two weeks later a mutual friend came by my place of work.. a movie theatre where I was working while nursing the flu. The friend told me.. the girl wanted to meet me again.
One thing led to another and I asked this girl out. our first date was going to see 'who framed roger rabbit' before we went in to the theatre she kissed me "to get it out of the way".. I can honestly say I donÕt recall seeing the film until I saw it on video years later.. That night all i could think of was her hand in mine plying vulcan finger sex and making gestural promises. I was smitten. I kicked my dad off the couch that night and told him to go to bed so I could spend some post movie make out time with my new flame. Dad gave me a wink.. a wink he gave me for months to come when my model dropped by.
She was ambitious, opinionated and funny as hell.. put her with her best friend and the world was goofy and silly and deadly sexual. I made fast friends with her pal and her pals boyfriend. Soon I was kicking dad off the couch so we could all come over and hang out after hours. My friends adored her. My parents liked her. She went shopping with my mom. Talk about a single act striking fear into the heart of a 19 year old nihilist.. what the hell was she doing shopping with my mom??
Our affair was intense and sordid in all the good ways.. and intense in sordid in all the bad. She was a philosophy major who made me CRAZY with rhetoric and arguments. The booze e and pills and dope didn't help matters much. I was an angry young man. And here was a driven vivacious fashion plate beckoning me into the light. Yeah you guessed it.. I told the light to get fucked and went off with some punk rock barfly ditz that later ran me roughshod through the ringer.I've Always felt guilty about this girl.. not because she got away.. but because I pushed her there. I was the bad guy.. I read her the riot act.. I recall trying to put my speed addled fist through the back of her CRX.. and I don't even remember why. Luckily I didn't break any bones.. but at the time I was pretty sure I broke her heart.
Her mom had said 'I was the one', and we were making grandiose plans the way you will do at 19. Big spaced out crazy plans about Paris and me cartooning and her writing. Yeah.. well I guess my world view at 19 was too anarchistic to keep that up. I broke up with her because my anger was getting the best of me.. and I didnÕt even know what I was angry about. maybe it was about my ex.. or the state of amerindian affairs or the price of tea in china.. I donÕt know. But she was getting my anger with both barrels at times. WeÕd trade poses for art classes and then we'd argue for a day and have crazed mad sex like wolverines in heat. But like wolverines we'd swat each other with cat calls and sharp claws. WeÕd seethe over non issues.. and at 19 there are a lot of "issues" that aren't really issues.
I had to call it off before I did something I'd regret.. like hit her. She tried to keep me.. and at the time.. I was so mad and scared and scattered I didn't let her.
So here it is... some 15 years later at a funeral. And we meet.. and embrace and I tell her Ii wish it was under better circumstances.. and she squeezes my arm in that.. intimate way women can do.. and asks if I'm coming to the wake.
IÕm on of the first people to her place.. the funeral party is late and we start talking. Talking not ABOUT old times.. but LIKE old times. Maybe I remember them more fondly.. and distinctly than she does.. but tonight.. for a few hours.. I saw 19.
Not the bratty self centered nihilist 19 of my youth. But the witty, sexy playful 19.. here we are at a wake and iÕm cutting up bread for sandwiches and making floral arrangements and making decorative fruit trays and sharing little laughs and flirts. We always flirted a lot.. and in a snarly silly way. I talked baby talk with this girl when I was 19. I gave her have her first orgasm at 19.. and she my first 'male multiple' at 19. And here we are .. now in our thirties.. her recently divorced and me single.. trying not to be awkward and yet.. charming each other. During a wake. Sick and wrong. Sick and wrong like you are 19 all over again.. sick and wrong like unfinished business. The experience was uplifting and damning at the same time. It made me relish what I had, not what i lost if that makes any sense.
When I left tonight, I asked her out for coffee.. I'm not saying I can turn back the clock or want to go back in time.. but for a while tonight.. I saw 19. and I was happy.
Have you seen 19??
©2000 Rob Williams
