Dear Girls,

For too long we men have been divided and conquered in the name of equality, feminism and a host of other bobbins. No more!

The man fights back! Tell your friends: the 90s man is dead....Long live the man of 2001.

Listen up ladies: below is how it REALLY is.....

1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your arse down to the gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put the bloody thing down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes unnecessary arguments when we dare to comment on it.
4. Birthdays, Valentines and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present ... again.
5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. Saturday = Football. Let it be.
7. Shopping is not a sport.
8. Anything you wear is fine. Really!
9. Ask for what you want directly. Subtle hints don't work.
10. Face it: peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
11. Most blokes own two or three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with that particular dress?
12. "Yes", "No" and "Mmm" are perfectly acceptable answers.
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
14. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
15. Check your oil. It is an essential part of car maintenance.
16. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in a subsequent argument.
18. It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bloody chocolate you eat!!
19. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you sound jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading them.
20. The male models with great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.
21. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of these ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
22. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are?
23. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercial breaks.
24. When we are in bed and look tired, this means that we are tired and definitely does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
25. If you want some dessert after a meal, have some. You don't HAVE to finish it. You can just taste it if you like, but don't say: "No, I couldn't / shouldn't / don't want any", and then eat half of mine.
26. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
27. If you're on a diet, it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food as well.
28. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, warm beer and cold lager. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in acceptable quantities - everything else falls under the category "garnish".
29. Do not question our sense of direction.
30. If you can learn the above, then man and woman can coexist on a level based on love and mutual respect.

15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.