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Welcome to my Funnies page. This will have a compilation of funny stories, and other crap that gets sent to me via e-mail. The good one's will get displayed here!!!
Two peanuts walk into a bar One was a salted
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
A man walked into a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
A
woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?'
The man
says "A premature ejaculation".
"What?" says the woman.
The man says
"I've just come in my pants."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here".
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?".
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here".
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A seal walks into a club.
A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar. "Pint of best" he says to the bar man.
Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gough
is
sitting at one of the tables.
He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gough?"
"Yes" the old man replies.
"Do you want a pint?".
"No, ta. I've got one 'ere".
Be warned - These are even worse
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. Phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind, drove a tractor and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw".
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?"they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
The Big finale.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family
in Spain, they name him "Juan".
Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?".
I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.I said "Are you two an item?".
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
A Downing Street spokesman has confirmed that in order to meet the conditions for joining the Euro, the phrase 'spending a penny' is not to be used after the 31st of December 2001. From this date the correct terminology will be 'euronating'.
There were two nuns...
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
Weird things You Would Never Know!!
Butterflies taste with their feet.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows
why.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy
than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint
pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do
death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are immigrants
recently arrived
Thirty-five percent of the people who use
personal ads for dating are already married.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be
116 or older.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not
downstairs.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
It's physically impossible for you to lick your
elbow.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks
over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to
take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the
building.
A snail can sleep for three years.
No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7
pitches.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth,
but our nose and ears never stop growing. - SCARY!!!
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
All polar bears are left-handed.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair
from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the
letters only on one row of the keyboard.
"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the
English
language.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would
be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the
match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every
day.
Almost everyone who reads this e-mail will try
to lick their elbow.
You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?
Little known facts........Well worth a read
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would haveproduced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an at*mic bomb.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's org*sm lasts 30 minutes.
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates s*x by ripping the male's head off.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish have no brains.
Polar bears are left-handed.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have s*x for pleasure.
Answer phone message "..If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.."
Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of Viagra was stolen. Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "No, because he's really heavy"
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco last week.. and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realised the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.
A third grade teacher came in to the room one day and found a drawing of a penis on the blackboard. She suspiciously looked at her students but didn't say anything. Instead, she rubbed it off. The next day, she came in and saw another drawing of an even bigger penis on the board. She frowns and rubs it off. The third day, she came in and saw another penis drawn on the board. This time, it's huge, covering up almost half of the space. She couldn't take it anymore so she screams out to the room full of noisy
children, "Why do you kids like drawing this penis on the board? And why is it getting bigger each day?"
Little Johnny then screams out back to her, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."
A 40 year old woman walks into a sex aid shop, and says to the shop owner:
'D-d do you s-s-sell vibrators?'
'Yes madam, we do' replies the man.
'D-d do you s-s-sell them th-this big?' she asks, holding her hands about 12 inches apart.
'Yes, we sell them that big'.
'D-d do you s-s-sell them th-this w-wide?' she asks, holding her hands about 4 inches apart. 'Yes, we sell them that wide'
'D-d do you ha-have them with b-batteries?'
'Yes we do'
'W-well, how the f-f-fuck do you t-t-turn them off!!'