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Welcome to my Funnies page. This will have a compilation of funny stories, and other crap that gets sent to me via e-mail. The good one's will get displayed here!!!
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden. Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needin'
After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire. Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing. Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole fuckin thing.
Being a bloke is tops because.........
Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's arse if someone notices your new hair cut.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
Wrinkles add character.
A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"
You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.
ONE mood, ALL the BLOODY time.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your flat if the electricity meter reader is coming.
You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th,in 45 minutes.
Why did God create woman?
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of
true love?
How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Why do women fake orgasms?
What is the definition of "making love"?
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension
and
B.S.E?
Why does the bride always wear white?
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
How many men does it take to open a beer?
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at
you, what have you done wrong?
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
What should you give a woman who has everything?
How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
Why is the space between a women's breasts and her
hips called a waist?
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
At a marriage retreat, Imee and John were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'
Imee wrote: 'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another, and they respect each other very much, just like John and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another.'
John wrote: 'I love sex.'
A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him: "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you."
The drunk replies, "Tits."
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
The swallow
Phone her.
Because they think men care.
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
Slow down and use a lubricant.
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak
A CLASSIC
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural
problem.
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the
stove and refrigerator..
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it
Made her chain too long
Marry it!
A battery has a positive side.
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
A man to show her how to work it.
They both begin with alot of blowing and sucking, and
in the end you lose your house.
She knows she's given her last blow job.
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and A bitch
sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in
there.
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Seven bartenders were asked if they could identify personality on what
drinks were chosen. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on
almost
all counts. The results...
WOMEN:
Drink : Beer.
Personality : Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach : Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink : Blender drinks with umbrella.
Personality : Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Drink : Mixed drinks - no umbrellas
Personality : Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Drink : Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask)
Personality : Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Drink : Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc
Personality : Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually
has
absolutely no clue.
Drink : Baileys.
Personality : Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Drink : Shorts (Vodka, Aftershock etc.).
Personality : Hanging with male pals or looking to get drunk...and
naked.
MEN: (As always, very simple and clear cut.)
Cider : He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.
Cheap Domestic Beer : He's poor / student and wants to get laid.
Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Bitter : He's old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid. (7 Buds
indicates
a liking of good curries....Sunil?)
Guinness : The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.
Wine : He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated
image
and
help him get laid.
Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf.
Desperate
to
get laid.
Port : Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to get
laid.
Whisky : He doesn't give two shits about anything and will hitanyone
who
will
get in his way of getting laid.
Jack Daniels : Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about
feminine
activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting
laid.
Tequila : Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.
Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc : He's gay (Blatantly).
Approach : Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Approach : If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.
Approach : Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
Approach : Make her feel smarter than she is...and you're in.
Approach : Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.
Approach : Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait.
Driving to the office this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 120 km per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!
It sh*t me up me so badly, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!
F***ING WOMEN DRIVERS!