While in line:
Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please. Would the party that lost the roll of 50 $20.00 bills, wrapped in a red rubber band, please report to the turnstile ... we have good news for you. We found your rubber band.
There are 87 varieties of poisonous snakes on the North American continent. We at the Jungle Cruise are proud of the fact that we have 82 of these varieties in the wooden rafters directly over your heads. Fear not, though, they will NOT attack a moving target, so please try to keep the line moving. If the line won't move, simply run in place.
Some of our scouts here at the world-famous Jungle Cruise claim they have spotted tigers in the waiting area the last couple of days. But we know that's ridiculous. After all, tigers are striped, not spotted.
Adventurers and adventurettes, horseplay is not allowed while waiting to board the world-famous Jungle Cruise. If you want to play with your horse, you'll have to do it elsewhere. We do, however, allow you to monkey around in line just as long as you don't go bananas.
Boat Loading:
Come all the way to the front- up by me. There's no truth to the rumor that you get a longer ride in back.
Slide all the way forward now... That's the only way we have of keeping the cushions clean!
If you could just sit in the doorway there- it keeps the wild animals out and the chickens and turkeys in.
I get paid for the number of people I take out... not the number I bring back!
Don't worry if it's crowded now... there'll be lots of room on the way back.
How many of you are on the Jungle Cruise for the first time? Good! So am I.
Let's get one thing straight... if we start to sink, the captain will be going down with the boat. I'd like you to meet your new captain (looking at nearby guest)... What did you say your name was?
Those of you sitting in the back are going to get a charge out of this trip. Yeah- you're sitting on thebattery. Some people find that revolting, but I think that there is a positive and negative side to everything. Shocking, isn't it.
Pulling away from the dock:
Hello, everyone. I'd like to welcome you aboard the world-famous Jungle Cruise. My name is (name) and I'll be your skipper for as far as we get.
Hello, everyone, and welcome aboard the Jungle Cruise. My name is (name), and I'll be your skipper, guide, social director, and dance instructor for the next three months.
Everyone turn around and wave good-bye to the folks back on the dock... They may never see you again. Of course, you've never seen 'em before, so you aren't gonna miss anything.
Return to Civilization:
And now, probably the most dangerous part of our journey- the return to civilization! I certainly hope you've enjoyed our cruise. However, if your in-laws are still with you, you've missed a golden opportunity. However, bring them back later tonight for our "in-law" special... halfway for half fare, no questions asked.
Well we've laughed and we've cried. We've almost died! I love you like family. Now get out! I'm sorry, that was rude. Please get out.
You know, many times people ask me how many people work at Walt Disney World. (Counting the visible cast members) Hmmm, I'd say about one out of seven!
As we approach, please notice that there's a dock on the left, and a dock on the right. But don't let it confuse you. It's a paradox.
Any children left on board become property of the Walt Disney company after 24 hours. Please make sure you have all you belongings with you including your small children, if you leave them we will be forced to take them back to It�s a Small World and glue their feet to the floor and make them sing that hideous song over and over and over
It's very important that you wait to get off the boat until one of our dock crew is there to assist you. Just yesterday we had a lady fall in and none of them were around to laugh at her.
Enjoy your day at the 2nd most happiest place on earth. What's the happiest? The employee parking lot 15 minutes after close.
Well, it's the end of the ride and now we return you to this magical, mystical place I like to call...in sick to as much as possible.
I hope you enjoy the rest of your day at the largest human trap ever built by a mouse.
Unloading:
Ladies and gentleman, you were outstanding on the boat today, but now I need you out standing on the dock now.
OK rise like bread folks, no loafing around. I know my jokes are stale and crumby, and I'm sure I could do butter but its the yeast I can do on the sourdough I make here. I think I get my rye sense of humor from my dad. It's no wonder. He's Danish. I was born under a croissant moon and I used to be the toast of the town, until one day I just got spread too thin. Hey, where are you going, I'm on a roll! Oh well I guess you have to jam. OK, everybody stand up please.
Those of you on the dock side will be helped out by the front, those of you on the water side should turn around and you'll be helped out by the rear... of the boat that is. This is adventureland, not fantasyland!
Do stand up... off your seats, on your feets. All right... if you don't stand, you'll have to go again! I knew that would get you up.
If you feel your feet getting wet as you leave the boat, you've probably gone out the wrong side. Don't fall in the water as you leave... we'll have to charge you extra.
Well folks, I hope you all enjoyed your trip around the jungle. I had such a good time- I'm going to go again! (low voice)... and again, and again, and again...
Please exit the boat the same way you entered... pushing and shoving.
We hope you enjoy the rest of your day here in this magic and enchanting land that we call ... work.
As you exit the boat, please watch your step and mind your head. If you miss your step and hit your head, watch your language, Walt Disney World is a family place.
After searching for your car in our beautiful 100 acre parking lot, be sure to watch the "Tail-light electrical parade" with thousands of sparkling lights twinkling into the distance. And the best part of the parade? You get to be a part of it!
