As yet unseen on amihotornot.com
Why not drop me a line?
Check the nick of these cunts:
Alisdair Mann
Amanda McLaughlin
Yung "Bob" Kent Man
Gordon "Bowlcut" Stevenson
Er...
Claire "Indeterminate Gender" Abercrombie
Chris "Corrie" McCorriston
Dinuka Kariwagasmasamorgasmama
Duncan Wilson
Fred "Permanent Hard-on" Ellsworth
Kenny "He Whose Name Must Not Be Spoken" G
Jack Toland
Jadgesh "Sir Jadgar Greenbeard of Saddo" Sidhu
John "Peach" Veitch
Kenneth Graham. Looks even more amusing nowadays
Mrs Laneres
Andrew "Were it not for my grandad, we'd all be under Nazi rule" Liddul
Colin McCabe
David McGrehan
Mrs "Who's Mrs Taylor?" Taylor
Nicky "Nikki" Mayes
Jamie "Lord of Nowt" Miller
Reda Something
Ruiraidh(sp?) Duncan
Sian "Lewis Grassic" Grbn
Thomas "Man" Pomfret
By the way...I had yer maw last night. She wis shite.
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FILMS IN TOWN
THIS PAGE Someone scans a load of pictures from a school yearbook and writes stupid comments about them. A good one for action fans
EQUILIBRIUM Brian Conley and sidekick Christian Bale run around a totalitarian future. Imagine a very poor cross between Brave New World, 1984 and The Matrix. This film is exactly that hybrid. Exactly. So bad it's good
ADAPTATION I had trouble getting started on writing this review, so I thought instead I'd write about what I got up to while attempting to write the review. Mainly I picked my toenails
THE RING A video that kills everyone who watches it after seven days is doing the rounds. A bunch of morons watch it. Eerie goings-on ensue. I've never shit myself more in my life. Except that time I saw a film that was actually scary
FINAL DESTINATION 2 Starring Death. This is the first film over again, except with slightly worse acting, more OTT deaths, an apocalyptic pile-up instead of a plane crash and the least pleasant dentist scene since Marathon Man. In other words, see it. A future classic
DAREDEVIL As a consequence of being deservedly blinded by a childhood accident, Ben Affleck can somersault over buildings, defy gravity, withstand impalement, teleport and cure cancer. Michael Clarke Duncan and Colin Farrell, understandably enough, want to kill him and his fellow superheroine Jennifer Garner. Pish
THE TRANSPORTER A muscular man drives unsafely, dodges heat-seeking missiles, fights people in the middle of an oil slick and, in a heartbreaking scene, kisses a dead man underwater. A favourite for the Best Actress Oscar
GANGS OF NEW YORK Fat Leo runs around New York during the Draft Riots, taking time out to hang about with gangsters and adopt a questionable Irish accent. Meanwhile, Daniel Day-Lewis does an understated turn as a deranged psycho. In a top hat. I'm Noo Yawk
THE TWO TOWERS Gollum joins the fray as our heroes defend Rohan against Christopher Lee's orcish pals. Not to be outdone, Merry and Pippin (which is which?) get assistance from a handy army of ents. Slightly inferior to TFotR, I'd say, but still heartily recommended
DIE ANOTHER DAY To the caterwauling of Madonna, Pierce Brosnan raises a suave eyebrow whilst getting tortured in a North Korean prison. He also grows a very silly beard. A Bond film
28 DAYS LATER There are zombies on the loose. But these aren't your everyday zombies! No! These zombies are fast. Two men, a woman and a not-very-good-at-acting wee girl journey across deserted England in an attempt to escape them. But they've reckoned without the demented Christopher Ecclestone and his pals. Excellent
CHANGING LANES The ubiquitous Samuel L. Jackson's car crashes into Ben Affleck's. Ben then drives away, accidentally leaving an important legal document with the abovementioned meanest mofo in Hollywood, and a hilarious day of japes commences. Very good, but it would've been even better if Sidney Pollack had been in it more
RED DRAGON Hannibal Lecter minces back onto our screens for another camp performance replete with knowing winks and gags you wouldn't get if you didn't know from his other films that he was a cannibal. While this is going on, Ed Norton hunts down unlikely serial killer Ralph Fiennes. Pretty much identical to Manhunter except with a different ending and less appropriate casting
ONE HOUR PHOTO Robin Williams takes a break from boring dying kiddies with his terrible jokes to play a stalker. Hijinks are ensuant. Oh, and at one bit Williams does an impression of one of Ken from Fist of the North Star's victims. You'll know what I mean. Insomnia copied it
SIGNS Annoyingly, Martians appear all over Earth. To add insult to injury, M. Night Shyaymamamamaymalan accidentally kills Mel Gibson's wife in a gory and unlikely manner. Everything happens for a reason!!!!111##
FRAILTY Goood tooold me to skin you aliiiive! Well, actually not me, but Bill Paxton. And not you, but demons. And not skin alive, but hack to bits with a big axe. Is he mad, or is he actually being divinely visited? Strange. But good
INSOMNIA Bent cop Al Pacino is on the trail of that sinister sociopath, Robin Williams. Sadly, Williams decides to exploit his bendiness by blackmailing him. Patch Adams this ain't
NINE QUEENS Two Argentinians, one of whom looks like a cross between Alan Rickman and Noel Gallagher, conspire to fence a set of pricey stamps. Crazy name, crazy film
MINORITY REPORT If crimes could be solved before they were committed, would it be ethical to punish the potential perpetrator? That's the question this film never gets round to answering, preferring to degenerate into a rip-off of LA Confidential
SPIDER-MAN Holy guacamole, Batman! To the strains of a Danny Elfman score, Tobey Maguire (sans entourage) takes on loony Willem Dafoe. Too much violence for a PG certificate ensues. Not to mention that bit where they rape donkeys
STAR WARS EPISODE 2 Some people walk around acting badly. Yoda's good, though
COLLATERAL DAMAGE Large Austrian Republican takes on the bad guys (including a guy who looks a lot like Art Malik) in Colombia. Complete with tagged-on bit at the start featuring Arnie as a heroic fireman. Pretty much what you'd expect, really
THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS Gene Hackman acts eccentrically while Gwyneth Paltrow and Luke Wilson almost commit incest. Danny Glover's in it too. I'm too old for this shit
TRAINING DAY What up, y'all? Yo, bitch! Denzel Washington is a bent pig, nigga! Word to tha mutha! Pop a cap in yo ass! Ass to the G! etc. Not bad, but Denzel's done better
A BEAUTIFUL MIND Blatant pandering to the Academy. Yawn
MULHOLLAND DRIVE Not to be mistaken for Arlington Road. And I thought Apocalypse Now Redux was confusing! This film makes a little bit of sense until someone opens a blue box, after which it goes completely loopy, with lesbian sex scenes and wig-changing galore. Pay close attention to people's names and eye colours if you want to have the tiniest chance of understanding this. A good one for lunatics and English teachers.
APOCALYPSE NOW REDUX Take a long and confusing film, add another long 40 minutes of confusing footage, and inexplicably, what you've got makes much more sense than the original! Still one of the best war movies ever made. Charlie don't surf!
BEHIND ENEMY LINES A downed fighter pilot is chased around the war-torn landscape of Bosnia by a ned with a sniper rifle. Gene Hackman is his admiral who does a poor job of keeping morale high, while arguing with those Frenchies about how best to rescue him. Based on a true story.
THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING Ah, the film of the year that everyone's been waiting for. As you may have suspected, it's a tremendous disappointment... for us critics, since it's actually as good as everyone had hoped. Gandalf break-dances!
THE 51ST STATE Kilts, scousers and Meatloaf. What more could you want? Sadly, Rhys Ifans is in it too
SPY GAME During a CIA meeting, Robert Redford pulls strings to have younger spit, Brad Pitt, broken out of a Chinese jail. Not to be confused with "Spy Hard"
JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK Kevin Smith forsakes artistic integrity in favour of ripping off other people's work and adding the word "fuck" a lot. Some say he's been doing that all along
THE OTHERS A big house. Some kids. Dead people. Nicole Kidman. Let the party begin!
THE SCORE Old lag Robert de Niro needs to get a safe open, but first he has to steal the door so he can puzzle it all out in the comfort of his kitchen. Educational
THE MAN WHO WASN'T THERE Black and white action with Billy Bob Thornton, starring in the Coen Brothers' latest in a long line of strange but good movies. Apart from O Brother, Where Art Thou, of course. Anyway, foul play is afoot as an adulterer and a gay venture capitalist are murdered when a blackmail scheme goes horribly wrong. A bad one for action fans
BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF Not to be confused with The Bloodhound Gang, this is a surreal French horror film set in the 18th century, combining elements of Jaws, The Matrix and Scooby-Doo. Also, there's a guy with a large chin who has a sabre-cum-nunchucks thing which I want. Zut alors et merds galore, this is good!
BATTLE ROYALE Japanese ultra-violent extension of those sadistic game shows they seem to go in for. Similar to Series 7, except that there doesn't seem to be any point to the violence, other than to amuse. Can you understand this?
A.I. Teddy the bear stars as a robot who, along with Harley Joel Osmond or whatever his name is, wanders the Earth in an attempt to get his mother to love him. The guy in front of me fell asleep, but he's likely an idiot. Much better than I'd expected!
MOULIN ROUGE Haven't seen it. Probably crap
THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS Vin Diesel drives very recklessly, but is let off by a racist cop who hates Japanese people. The screenplay was penned by two hundred and sixteen writers, all of whom were imbeciles. Awful, but watching it with ultra-extroverts with big noses, who shall remain nameless, improves it immensely
THE GODFATHER When Marlon Brando collapses in a fat heap, Al Pacino takes over as Don. This results in many unpleasant-looking deaths. And Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes, the pervert. Worth seeing for the pasta recipe!
PLANET OF THE APES Marky Mark visits a planet governed by apes, where he does battle with Tim Roth and a very deformed Helena Bonham Carter. Features Charlton Heston extolling the virtues of gun control. Doesn't make sense. Where did the horses come from? Did they just coincidentally evolve? And how did Thade end up taking over Earth? He wasn't even born then! Did he travel back in time or something? And if he did, how's that in any way relevant to the rest of the film? It all smells suspiciously like the set-up for a sequel
SWORDFISH John Travolta and a guy who looks like Clint Eastwood, whom we are expected to believe is the world's l33t3st h4x0r, prance about with guns, cars, computers and naked women in an attempt to keep teenage boys off the streets. In this case, the ends do not justify the means. Crap
SHREK Can it be? A hyped film that's actually good? And it's a PG, too! Mike Myers, Cameron Diaz and Eddie Murphy look better than ever. Worth the price just for the take on Pinocchio
FINAL FANTASY Some fancy graphics try to save the world from some alien phantoms or something, whilst attempting to prove the 'Gaia' theory that the earth itself has a soul or some such tam o' shanter, in arguably the worst film since Spawn. One would think that with such fancy graphics those crazy Japs would have spent more than ten minutes writing the script, but no. Even the computer games had more of a storyline than this
LATE NIGHT SHOPPING Four night-shifters played by nobodies get up to all sorts in a plotless but good film. It also features the slowest-operating photo booth in history. A soap-checking, porno-reacting feast of fun
SERIES 7 : THE CONTENDERS Taking Big Brother to its logical extreme, 6 contestants attempt to kill each other in a variety of amusing ways, until only 2 are left. Unfortunately, one of them has cancer and the other is a homicidal pregnant maniac. Naturally, they fall in love. Nasty Nick would approve
BLOW Johnny Depp stars as George Jung, the man who introduced mirror-shades to Colombia. Surprisingly for a true story, the antics of Depp and his compadres make for some quality viewing. It even has a sad ending. Remember kids, drugs are bad!
THE MUMMY RETURNS The evil Imhotep comes back to life, and wastes no time in attempting to take over the world with an army of dogs! However, first he'll have to get past a poorly-designed CGI version of the Rock, as well as the even scarier John Hannah! Do ya smell what the Rock is filming?
INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE Indy is joined by Sean Connery to seek out the Holy Grail, which promises eternal celebrity. Needless to say, the Nazis are none too keen on this, and try to foil their attempts at every turn. Best seen at 4AM
INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM Indy returns in the weakest of the three films, this time to ruin an evil computing lecturer's plans to enslave an Indian village. Sets the standard formula for all adventure films to come. As Shorty would say : You listen to me more, you see less bad films!
RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK The first in the Holy Trinity of Indy films, featuring Harrison Ford as everybody's favourite archaeologist. Indy sets out to rediscover the lost Ark of the Covenant, only to discover that those pesky Nazis are hot on his tail. A timeless classic
EXIT WOUNDS Steven Seagal takes the biscuit in the worst film of the year. From the Gone In 60 Seconds school of script-writing, this film will keep you bored until you run out of the cinema in tears, scratching your eyes to try and remove the awful memory of Seagal's acting. Not even unintentionally amusing
ALONG CAME A SPIDER Morgan Freeman plays a mysterious old cop who is a mentor to a rookie. Again. Despite this, it's actually quite good. Worth seeing just for Michael Wincott's voice
EXTREME STICK DEATH - THE MOVIE 's got nothing on this. No match for my Hokuto Shin Ken
MEN OF HAUNERS, BOYSIES! Mr Stevenson stars in his award-winning role as Robert De Niro, a navy master diver whose life is turned on its head by the arrival of a new cadet who won't do country-dancing. Cuba Gooding Jr has a ridiculous name
THIRTEEN DAYS Biting tension as the Cuba Gooding Jr missile crisis threatens to bring about the end of humanity. A team of crack politicians spend 13 days deciding what to do about it. The film lasts about this long. GWB could take a few pointers from this
PROOF OF LIFE Russell Crowe rescues a businessman in distress from the hands of Colombian terrorists by flexing his muscles until they die of boredom. An abomination
HANNIBAL Hannibal The Cannibal is back in this bizarre sequel to the classic Silence of the Lambs. As you might expect, brain-eating and bowel-spilling abound. Jodie Foster was better
ENEMY AT THE GATES A story of blossoming romance between Jude Law and Ed Harris, against the backdrop of Russians with English accents defending Stalingrad against Germans with American accents. Rachel Weisz is the sniper out to kill Jude. Would've been better without all the mushy stuff
CAST AWAY A Wilson volleyball gets stranded on a desert island after a horrific plane crash. The isolation causes it to go mad and start imagining Tom Hanks, with hilarious consequences! A moving true-life story
TRAFFIC Michael Douglas's daughter has sex for drugs, Catherine Zeta Jones tries to kill people and Bentarsio del Whatsit chases a drug cartel around. The kids will love it
I think that's the title. Little Chinese girls and Sir Te battle it out for a sword. Just ask for "Crouching Tiger", it's less embarrassing
UNBREAKABLE Bruce Willis is indestructible, while Samuel L. Jackson falls down the stairs. He also has a strange haircut. Samuel L. Jackson is the villain
THE 6TH DAY Arnie first single-handedly, then double-handedly takes on a sinister human cloning operation. In a surprise twist, his fight results in a huge explosion. Moving
THE EXORCIST (DC) Cunting good projectile-vomiting fun with amusing seventies hairdos and crucifix-wielding old men. Not sure exactly what is new from the original version. Fuck me, Jesus, the power of Christ compels you to see this!
THE SKULLS Joshua Jackson of Dawson's Creek fame wanders from one nonsensical scene to another with a puzzled expression on his face. It's crap, in a funky skillo sort of way
THE STHKILLSTH The heart-warming true story of a P.E. teacher's futile attempts to teach a distracted class to play volleyball. Convincing performances
TWISTER A bunch of tedious people chase an even more tedious tornado for the best part of two long hours. Must-see
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