18^th C gentleman behaving badly

I say! I was rather inebriated at the weekend.

Well I never, I too engaged in the abuse alcohol this Friday past!

I do believe I made a nincompoop of myself.

I concur, and may I add, I do believe myself to have been the bigger ninny!

I behaved quite obscenely!

As did I!

I imbibed a copious amount of gin!

As did I!

I had the most distressing crapulence!

As did I!

(continued ad nauseam for 6 series. Long haired one goes on to star in kid's TV (whilst behaving badly in real life), & featuring in annoying adverts with the fish faced one, the rubinesque lady starred in some detective thing or other, the big eared gent goes onto that, er, thingy program, oh you know the one that you didn't watch. So, success all round then.)

Irony of "girlfriend" comment escapes yet another middle aged businessman

Toby, (50) from Edinburgh, yesterday failed to realize just how stupid his "girlfriend" comment actually sounded.  If he really did have a girl friend, at least it confirmed that buying the sports car was worth it. “Well...I suppose it's slightly better than "partner" That makes it sound like it's some kind of business arrangement.  A matter of fact way of saying "we have a joint bank account (for tax purposes) and share bodily fluid (for amusement), didn't you know?"  

The correct term he should have used was “lady friend”, although it was pertinently obvious, she wasn't no lady.

A good point compounded by the number of people buying  "The Mirror".

Shocking events fail to shock

Three black watch soldiers were killed today in Iraq's “triangle of death”. Tragic news for the families involved. It was hardly startling, unpredictable or unexpected news. The area being called "triangle of death" gave a bit of a clue. Would it not have been more surprising if nobody was killed? Was it any more offensive to moral sensibilities than any other death?

Journalists milk the grief from the families to make political points. Blair joins the chorus of commiserations to hammer home his rebuffel of "aren't they doing a great job" and "what a help they are to the people of Iraq", with sympathies going to almost everyone. What sort of pragmatism are we applying sending soldiers into a war zone and then feigning astonishment when casualties occur? The murder of a soldier taking a risk doing a job surely less shocking than the death of a civilian. If only the Black Watch could always have be so fortunate as to loose just 3 men in a week of conflict; lest we forget the history of real wars; first and second world wars, to see what real carnage is. The ignorant neo-western ideas of "bloodless" conflicts, where so long as our boys come home alright, you can ignore the collateral damage. We're doing them a favour, remember? The notable exception in the report was the lack of a picture of the Iraq interpreter who was killed alongside the British soldiers? No word from his family, no tribute from his colleagues. Shocking:

1: glaringly vivid and graphic; marked by sensationalism;
2: giving offence to moral sensibilities and injurious to reputation;

The most shocking in the whole situation was the continued media sensationalism. But don't rely on the reporter's word for it, why don't we find out...

How does the family feel?

Bankers urge “customers should start worrying -  NOW!”

The headline was just a little different from banking organisation report of “statistics show an increase in ATM fraud”. Scary, huh!

Reporters subtly and not so subtly infer opinions, but if one pays attention....the accused didn't "say" or "comment" but "admitted", and thus the bias of the report was altered. Innocent until presumed guilty? Not many defendants “admit” innocence- about the same number as banks who tell their customers they should start worrying.

Chair gets rapturous applause on live chat show

by Dicky Davidson

On an American chat show last Saturday, I was amazed to see a chair was greeted by a round of applause from the audience*. Would you believe it! The standard backed chair, made of beech wood was mass produced in Denver and retails of $95. Cheap as chips!  A very comfortable chair, I'm sure, but it's unremarkable and I'd hardly call it an antique. This is one to avoid, bargain hunters. Perhaps furniture is all too often overlooked and undervalued; these Americans do appreciate the smaller things. Goodness knows how they'd have reacted if someone brought on a exquisite hand crafted Chippendale, or a mahogany beauty like myself! If an Alien death squad was systematically killing enslaved Americans by geographic location…I wouldn't be surprised if at least one idiot started cheering when they called out his state. I'd be even less surprised if he was a Texan.

*actual occurrence- (the cheering for chairs, not the alien death squad).

Minogue's bottom, over the hill?

In the days of "the locomotion" it was all about the music, now it's all about the image, a thought surely uppermost on the feral pop diva's mind. Kylie has become less of a sex kitten and is sounding and looking more like an old moggie in hiatus; hissing and yowling nasally on her latest track. Noises which could easily be misinterpreted as her caterwauling as if the puss is on heat. Well, some moggies do have the annoying habit of sticking their tails in the air, so long as she doesn't start rubbing against my leg, or even think about using the litter tray. It's just off-putting when someone's rear quarters are better known than their face. The idea seems to be shake it for all it's worth before it starts to sag (allegedly it's already be augmented once). With a string of high publicity failed relationships and the big three-0 a couple of years ago, that biological clock must be ticking loud. The only reason Bagpuss didn't get to number one in 1972 was because he was a saggy old cloth cat...but at least Emily loved him. It's all rather tragic, still...you would, wouldn't you?

Kylie lets rip with another hit.

Attempts to develop alter ego fail, again

Disguised as debonair, super sleuth, Austin Powers this Halloween; a reclusive local boy again failed to take on any crazy extroverted traits. Despite the resplendent blue velvet outfit, wig, shoes, glasses and male symbol, there was a distinct lack of chatting up women, using outrageously cheeky innuendo, or getting it on with any spy babes. Like Austin in the second film instalment, he appeared to have lost any little Mojo he had in the first place. However, replacement Mojo was discovered in the form of drink, and the budding Mr Powers proceeded to the dance floor.

“You're hardcore”; Buzz Lightyear commented (high praise indeed), then shook his hand. He'd been “Busting some moves”, (apparently). Worryingly the sarcasm detector, of seismographic precision, didn't even twitch. Perhaps the Mojo was working after all, or more likely it was the beer doing the talking and the dancing. Perhaps some hypnotism next?

The big test: What class are you?

You can see her nipples.  Is she...

A. Artistic.

B. Pornographic.

C. Glamorous

Worst of the 80's

A decade produces barely enough highlights to fill a 2 hour show (or double CD).

Greatest 100 films show ruins endings of the 50 greatest films you hadn't seen yet.

Why bother reading any of Jules Verne's' classic books when you can enjoy the highlights in a delightful "best of" show?

Rock is dead, long live paper and scissors.

Experience of "awful posh people sharing holiday with awful common people" shared with entire nation on TV.

Secrets to their success No. 52: ABBA

Benny wrote heartfelt lyrics especially for the others to sing them with no emotion whatsoever.

Nostalgia sells Best TV moments show: a lifetime of viewing condensed repacked and reabsorbed. Collective memories of films, sports events, music and television, radio and books. You are not alone. TV is your friend and for this hour it's saying "Do you remember when...?". Subscribed to join your associated contemporaries' inane gossip, compliments of your viewing choice. Not "what did you do?" but "what did you watch?". Sure, you've been drinking in Cheers, hanging out with Friends, and you know far too much about your Neighbours.

Remembering a mate's gran dying without getting to see the final episode of her favourite soap; she never did get to find out what happened. It makes you realise just how many hours you've wasted, with programmes outlasting the viewers, yet you've just wasted another hour on the TV equivalent of fast food. A program showing "The best bits" of your life would simply replay the exact same moments you've enjoyed watching TV, as you don't seem to do a whole lot else.

"I didn't get smart with you, I was smart way before you arrived" claims local smart arse.

What's the difference...

between releasing a load of balloons, letting them drift off into the distance

and

going out the following week and scattering a pile of burst balloons far and wide?