How to be unconvincingly bilingual and get away with it.

Aye, that'll be right.

To say presenter Tam McCowan puts on common accent to appease a common audience is an rash, unfounded accusation. McCowan discovered his bilingual ability at a young age. This hybrid of 1/2 man, 1/2 scum was created during a sacrificial rite at full moon nightclub, involving buckfast wine, a virgin and a wee man in a kappa tracksuit.

Tam, the man behind the alter ego, not only stars in a football pundit program "Affside", but also writes a column for a famous glasgae working man's newspaper. His ability to mix the nedspeak with the statutory English required by the rag is remarkable. It was amazing to see the remainder of his spelling normalised but with enough "patter" to keep the "dafties", "gaffers", "punter" and occasional "wee man" all happy.

He mused on the subject of wine experts "somebody should tell them to shut the f*** up". How about somebody telling the football experts to shut the fuck up? This bashing of wine drinkers, clearly demonstrates the lengths this guy has to go to in order to hide his own upper middle class identity. Keeping in character as skilfully as Sacha Baron Cohen in Ali G. Tam, or Thomas as his friends call him, has to concentrate hard, very hard. He studies for the role of pseudo-working class jimmy by watching back to back episodes of "Chewin' the Fat" before each show. "feart, I wus". This infiltration and masquerading is not without risk. If a young Tarquin tried "a bit of the banter" things wouldn't go quite so well. To the casual observer he's the real deal, but to those in the know, it becomes apparent watching him, that he's laying it on thick for the crowds. He accidentally let slip words like "characteristics" and the clanger "meticulously"; not only a rare(ish) word, but also one of over three syllables. Words he correctly pronounces one time, he mispronounces the next as if he's not been taught any better. However, the first time he "forgot" shows an inconsistency which a genuine ned wouldn't demonstrate.

After the show Thomas relaxes with a brandy back at his Newton Mearns mansion. "Darling, tonight's performance was marvellous, simply marvellous". 

Keeping it real.

In her song "1980", singing sensation Estelle described how she "touched Africa and came back darker, Knowing myself feeling my roots a little bit harder".

Naturally, her life growing up in a semi detached council house suburban England, has much in common with her ancestors. The natives of Zaire traditionally watch American TV such as Dynasty and the Cosbys  (When they're not dancing to Mel and Kim, obsessing over bling clothes, or playing Connect 4 in their LA Gear trainers) With her new found wealth, Estelle is clearly in touch with her "brovas and sistas" living in the poverty of an east-end tower block, and those in the abject poverty of east Africa.

Estelle discovered that she was a descendent of Ugandan Tutsis, so it was only appropriate that she kept it "real" by ethnically killing her Rwandan Hutu friends at school. Instead of getting a job raising crops, herd goats, or in one of the many mineral works, she went down the traditional path of singing hipedy hop musac. When in fact, having a mother from the highlands she could equally have become the first rapping cheucter to reach the top ten.


Tutsis, Hutus and Twas: Keeping it real with "da flava"

The Simpsons has variable effect on global opinion of Americans.

Think of an American and the odds are that you're thinking of none other than Homer J. Simpson. The traits of he-of-the-states most famous; fat, stupid but ultimately loveable. However, the perception of Americans having Homer-like qualities does not always follow.

70% of foreigners quizzed thought of Non-Canadian North Americans as morbidly obese, 65% described them as stupid, but only 17% considered them "loveable".

If Homer was Glaswegian...

Help offered at games workshop.

A sign posted on the window of a Dungeons and Dragons Adventurer's store said "Please ask staff for help".

One would think; thank goodness, finally someone is trying to give these lost souls some kind of guidance. Perhaps assistants are on hand with dedicated fashion consultants, relationship councillors, dermatologists, providing bullying and fitness coach, self defence.

Alas, it was merely a sign informing patrons that a fellow sufferer is on hand who can direct you to where the berserker orcs are located, or give you helpful advice on passing the Golem on level 5 of the Mystic Castles series.

The false hope this geek refuge offered proved to be no use whatsoever in reintegrating this fringe members of society, simply a cynical ploy to recruit and encouraging more victims into the murky world of D&D.

False hope for nerd kind.

Path to self realization disguised as road to hell.

Addictions and destructive behaviour true path to enlightenment.

"Well, yes that was a great moment of self realization....but couldn't you have realized it wasn't a very good idea to do that in the first place? How many times do you need to do something stupid before realising it's not a good idea? I need to do something stupid so that I can know that it's a stupid thing to do? What if I already knew it? Does that not make me smarter? No? Because if I don't experience it, won't truly know it's a stupid thing to do? But didn't you just told me it was...and that was why you quit?  I don't understand...I guess I'm not smart enough."

In some social circumstances, it's better to have tried and quit, or be a progressive quitter, than to have been the smug git who knew better than to try in the first place.

The version of Donny Darko I made in my head, is not only better, but it makes more sense too.

    

Film review by Alex Bean

The newest cult thing...Sure it had imagery. Film is meant to say something. It's not meant to deteriorate into a music video. I found the director to be indulging in the creative equivalent of masturbation. To not have a twist at the end, or any explanation of the event, appearing in a seemingly random order, was little more than film for film's sake. overly smug.

I throw scorn at those who claim to have gained something "deep, meaningful and beyond my comprehension" from this tripe. The clichéd cinematic techniques didn't work sufficiently enough to warrant an emotional response. Artistic; yes, a work of art; I don't think so. Don't tell me that I don't understand- I'm not the one who needed to watch Total Recall twice, dumbass. This was not some clever examination of the human condition, a mystery with a twist, a memorable fable with a point.  For this film, I give it a style over content 5/10.

The film which I created from the random scenes at the end was a whole lot better...the weird old woman was actually the guy's girlfriend (but in a different dimension) and the rabbit headed dude is nowhere to be seen. Apart from in my reality...which nobody else seems to believe. Damn you, I'm not insane, you're insane!!

Protest at the MOWOs.

What does a MOBO actually mean when most modern music is built on melodies derived from jazz, beats from Africa and the Caribbean? Not to mention similarities between Gospel and Gaelic singing traditions possibly transferred during the 18th C?

Music, or rather, artists which identify the sound as black, for ideas of either self definition; commercialism or gaining credence. Perhaps we all are, to a certain extent, guilty of taking on such notions when it suits us. All human life is said to originate from the African subcontinent. Eminem could equally visit the cradle of life and claim to have garnered a knowledge of his roots, since he already has been criticised for acting "black". Why should we let our colour define us, when we're so clearly made of the same stuff? Do I get a merit badge for watching Fresh Prince and buying a Coolio CD?

It suits the leaders of society that the common man defines himself so that he knows his place in this world. It would suit humanity if fewer people felt so constrained. Is attempts to address disparity with racially limited events the way to go? Is it a denial of identity to talk against such celebrations? What would be the connotations of a MOWO award or a "Caucasian and proud" rally? If only minority groups can celebrate their roots isn't this equally unhealthy for society?

Knowing myself; should I feel white, middle class, liberal guilt for the behaviour of my ancestors? Perhaps I should feel vitriolic about winning a war fought two generations ago. Equally, should I feel oppressed if my ancestors were? Do I deserve either praise or punishment for the acts of my forefathers? It is essential that one separates themselves from preconceived ideas of identity and doesn't become a stereotype, else become swayed by party political, peer and media influence.

The MOBOs represent the least offensive form of segregation; even still...perhaps the "no guitars allowed" awards would be more appropriate. Shouldn't music award be about the music and only the music?

Democracy triumphs as president 90% of world hates is re-elected.

God bless America, and no place else

What can I do?

(work in oil courtesy of Martin Lehane)

Isn't it strange how the USA, a supposed great believer in democracy; doesn't consider it worthwhile to listen to the United Nations.

<Advertisement by the Italian Tourist Board>

VENICE --Saturdays BBC2

Here we stand in piazza di San Marco, surrounded by pigeons, but this is nothing like your Trafalgar square. I pause for a moment, to admire the exquisite architectura,   as a gondola glides past in the middle distance. Walk with me now, for I will show you something of this beautiful city. Observe my tailored suit, it's sleek and elegant lines as I stroll so confidently amongst the churches and museums, the shops with their products of glass and lace. With masks for the carnivale, your identity can remain a secret.

I sit at a table along one of the magnificent avenues, a gondola passes in the foreground. Like the tiger in the wild, here I am, in my element; enjoying espresso; strong and dark. I stirr my drink, as if unaware of your presence. You like to watch, I know these things. Let me describe to you, as I indulge my senses, the fine ristorantes, and trattorias, the many types of seafood and pasta we can enjoy in the "Serenissima" , most serene Venice.

I am in a darken library now, where you have chanced upon me reading a book...cultured am I not? I nonchalantly puff a cigarette as if unconcerned with the task of filming this guide. Do not worry, I am a professional who will skilfully guide you around the curves and narrow back alleys of the beautiful place. St Mark's Basilica and the piazza, and La Fenice; the most famous opera house in Venice. My syrup voice shall glide over you, much like the oily waters. Observe my distinguished grey hair, notice my jet black eyebrows...I am a man of much experience, but not yet how you say, "over the hill".  Relax to the sound of my golden voice. I am the epitome of cool, mature like a fine wine or cheese, Italian, and yet not living with my mother.

You have caught me at an inopportune moment, but do not concern yourself. I will proceed to give you some insight into the beautiful history of this city, whilst fulfilling all the intimate romantic needs of my mistress. I describe the history of a mysterious Contessa, a courtesan of the 16th century and you shall see that things such as these are in the nature of this place. It not some kind of fate that you are here and she is here, for I am Venice.

Scottish FA condone racist chants

As it currently stands in this fair isle, racism is an unacceptable evil; an uneducated prejudice. At a middle class school, an unguarded comment to a black or Asian classmate would undoubtedly lead to a trip to the principle's office. Scotland proudly announces itself as more culturally acceptance of minorities than it's southern neighbour. A German football coach, a sure sign of a higher tolerance than England where Francophobia and anti-German headlines of "Krautrage" are all the rage in the right wing tabloids.

If Scotland considers itself a nation, and the Scots a race, then anti-English abuse becomes bonifide racism. Or so you would think....

Full story----> 

Passing the baton: transfer of Iraqi power goes to plan

Handover from regime instated by a foreign power to a "democratically elected militia".

Sound engineer's latest job no laughing matter.

Why can't I be treated to listening to the show the audience were actually laughing at?
Fade up with "big laugh number 4", blend into "raucous laugh 6.2" and then fade to silence. You may laugh when I tell you that my job is to add the sniggering noises to "French and Saunders", but let me tell you, there is no cause for hilarity.
It's not just pressing a button "big laugh" or "small laugh"...it's really not as simple as that. Deciding how funny the joke was supposed to be. This isn't a job to be a critic. I wouldn't say I'm completely humourless, and when done well, canned laughter does add a certain warm that some comedies lack. If I've done it properly, my work is invisible; but the instant canned laughter is noticed, it becomes an annoying distraction. 

When the moments of mirth are coming thick and fast, it's even worse. Laughter faded up an down in staccato bursts for each "gag" - no audience laughs like that. Recently, I'm under more and more pressure to put bigger guffaws on even lamer jokes. What level of mirth is appropriate for seeing a large lady dressed ridiculously as a slim movie star? Perhaps I should forget about the other 6 series I've had to dub; each of them featuring essentially the same joke. Is it even funny anymore? Sometimes I miss the joke completely and my master copy gets returned for re-dubbing. Selecting the appropriate laugh for each situation is a gift. Sounds recorded from a lively drunken crowd listening to a outrageously risqué stand-up comedian don't necessarily mesh with "The Vicar of Dibley" (where the correct track would actually be silence). I've guess I've just not got a lowest common denominator sense of humour.  "Look everybody, I'm fat, and I've stepped in a puddle" does not constitute a joke. Physical comedy, alternative comedy isn't meant as alternative to being funny.

Should I dub movies with sound effects of someone in the row behind eating popcorn, or some asshole in the seat next to you talking rubbish during the trailers? Perhaps I could dub a laughter track over Shindler's List and release it as a sit com.
 

Silly Billy

What will happen to your Billy Bass (TM) singing fish?

  • 2080 kept in original wrapper by fan, in case it's worth something someday like those plastic Star Wars figures. Turns out to be worthless, returned to storage.

  • 2230 rediscovered in attic of old house being demolished, left in rubble.

  • 2500 uncovered by archaeologists; used once, then promptly reburied.

  • 25019 the only remaining trace of long gone human civilianisation is discovered by alien travellers. They were fresh out of AA batteries.

  • 40 million year AD discovered by Charlton Heston, after a space travel experiment went wrong, on a planet inhabited by apes.     

 

"NOOOOOO!!"

Original anecdote not even original: loosely based on other anecdote.

Last year, whilst reading Homer's Iliad, a budding author came up with a less than brilliant idea for a dramatisation of the Greek classic.

The new setting for the epic would be in downtown new York with gangsters, pimps n hoes, produced in a Spike Lee style with a classic hip-hop soundtrack. All the elements would be in place cars in place of chariots. Bullet proof vests as the shields, bullets as the spears. Cops in helicopters gods of the sky, Mafiosi playing the role of the gods of the sea (sleeping with the fishes etc); untouchable "godlike" characters. Hades, God of the underworld could be a judge in charge of an electric chair. Achilles could be a triad, and indulge in some serious "gun-fu". Although too late for it to make it as a film, since “Troy: the movie” was produced in the meantime, it would be nice to have thought of at least one viable idea.

The idea was jotted down and proudly reported to other artistic friends before the ultimate in embarrassment happened. A month later whilst watching Peter Kay's "The services" one of the characters proposed the exact same idea of the Iliad being set in a gangland environment. It was distressing. What date was it made? 1998? Was the whole concept accidentally recounted? Did he see it, subconsciously absorb and regurgitate it? Perhaps it was the logical outcome from reading the book. Gasp...could it be that his original creative thought, was neither creative, nor original?

To further exacerbate the author's displeasure, even the anecdote about the unoriginal idea, wasn’t an original idea. Remember that episode of the Simpsons where Apu derides Principle Skinner for proposing an idea about dinosaurs being brought back to life for a film, all too familiar in plot to Jurassic Park? Mr Writer, what where you thinking?

Girl reacts badly to tattoo translation*.

When local girl decided to have a tattoo done, she wanted something both clever and mysterious. Perhaps something smart written in a foreign language would do the trick, something so smart that you'd have to look it up in a book.
But only a true smartarse with foreign friends could reveal the real meaning of the indelible mark displayed now so proudly above her ample rump (& on photographs posted on the net). What does it mean? Let's find out!

Ah, I see, the first three characters is an English translated name "Michelle" (so far, so good) and the last two characters...one means "come" and the last one means "sis"/"girl"/"miss"  (doesn't make complete sense) so I looked it up because that "come" is a Chinese simple character, and the rest are Chinese traditional. Perhaps in Hong Kong they sometimes mix simple and traditional characters, a few people in Taiwan do too.

As I guessed, in the past the last character would be used to call an old prostitute or an old gambling girl who has "higher" status in the area...yes, people use it. The word "come" well, it's also about 30 or 40 years ago; some parents named their female babies as "come/bring brothers". So "come" + "sis" is just a way to call an old prostitute with her name. Actually it sounds erotic in Taiwanese, if people consider the meaning. "come sis" would sound like "come to fxck" (in an informal way) or "come over here". Could it be a coincidence? or the Chinese people who sold/told her the words played a trick?

The clever and mysterious Shelly declined to comment.

Update: An old classmate was spotted adorned with a mysterious mandarin symbol. Many people have stupid tattoos, but not many people have the actual symbol for "stupid" proudly emblazoned on the middle of their back. Suffice to say the researcher chose not to inform the misfortunate on this occasion.

Though resplendent in original pirate material, one-eyed Jack was no master of these decks.

"Argh, these hook hands be no good for mixing, only scratching and swabbing. What I need is some tongs" said Pete. "Some pirate CDs anyone? Nah, I wood knee do that!"

Fan delighted to see favourite band smash up instruments she couldn't afford.

Woman steadily puts on weight for several months and returns after liposuction operation carrying infant along with all too convenient "I've had a baby" excuse.

"Instant win" crisp packet turn customer into instant loser.

Sure, glasses might make you look smarter... but staying silent would make you sound smarter.

Special report from Whipsnade Zoo:

Reality TV version of A.A.Miln's classic reveals Pooh, Tigger, Eyeore, Rabbit and 'Roo aren't the best of friends.

"You've made your bed, so now you've got to lay in it."

Insufficient warning given to daughter turned hooker.

suggestions or comments?

 "Removes stains before your eyes"

Revolutionary cleaning product discontinued after fulfilling its eye removing reputation.

Chief Souse Chef is  Sioux chief's Chef.

Things you don't hear every day number 32:

Model sensibly decides against acting career.

Things you don't hear every day number 33:

Rapper admits that he doesn't know sh*t about designing clothes, so isn't even going to try.

Men's food council downgrades salad from "meal" to "garnish".

Pseudo techie optimises her PC to boot sub 30 seconds.

Real techie runs a zero downtime policy.

Adidas wearing paraplegic discovers "Nothing is impossible" advertising slogan doesn't quite ring true.

Princess Di would have been stoned for adultery under Taliban law, yet people talk about fundamental Islam like it's all bad.

Elvis in Peril: Temptation proved too much for the king.

"Caught in a trap, I can't get out, 'cos I love you too much baby."
 

Local man claims to be expert Elvis impersonator, yet all I've seen him do is take drugs and eat burgers.

Priest reminds congregation that "no idols" rule includes large karaoke singers from Govan.

Razor company makes political stand in support of Democrats

Whatever next?

The Last Samurai starring Tom Cruise

The Last of the Mohicans starring Daniel Day-Lewis

The Last Caucasian starring Denzel Washington.

Personality test failed.

You remember when we said "there are no wrong answers?".

Well, you succeeded... succeeded in proving us wrong about that...

What's in a name?

A. A. Aaron lived in constant fear, if being first in line at school for class tests and injections wasn't bad enough, his life became a nightmare after his friends mentioned the infamous "alphabet killer". His classmate Isaac, orphaned at birth, didn't have it any better after being adopted by Mr. and Mrs. Hunt.

Latest BT advert pulls no punches about benefits of broadband.

"it's like plugging your nob directly into the internet. oh, and it's great for stealing films and music too."

Ex "Nuclear Pussy" pop star shows class by surprising everyone with "I've farted!" announcement on live national television.

Ex "Nuclear Pussy" pop star surprises no-one with "my husband has left me" announcement.

Friends reunited disappoints.

Those those bastards who wronged haven't suffered any kind of divine retribution, but are married successful mirror images of the twisted shell you’ve become. When karmic retribution fails, it's time for plan B. Get your shotgun.

Mozart: picked last for football, yet again.

Evil bloodsucking aliens have feelings too.

Perfectly good TV program ruined by constant bitching about faulty toasters, dodgy builders and sub standard conservatories.

"40 Gigabytes; or about four thousand pounds worth of your legally purchased MP3s"

Quips salesman." Is that sufficient capacity for you madam?"

"DVD Rewriter: ideal for backing up your home movies" Jests TV advert for latest pirating equipment.

Sony corporation shows great sense of humour;

Tech division creates equipment ideal for copying music, whilst their record label creates uproar about copied music.

Word association

think Cox
think granny smith
think "Rooney" when you should be thinking "apples".

 
 
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