Darth Vader is a unique individual. Recruited
by the Emperor after allegedly being unceremoniously booted form the Order
of the Jedi Knights for 'unlawful participation in banned Dark Side practices',
the Dark Lord of the Sith is a misunderstood soul.
Ever since his expulsion from the Order, he has been in a continuous
struggle with other Jedis, in an action which he and Imperial publicists
maintain as 'acts of self defence'. His acts of self defence have, unfortunately
resulted in the destruction of the above mentioned Order.
Lord Vader has since then been pursuing the Rebel Alliance in an attempt
to eliminate all violent threats to the stability of the Imperial New Order.
He has been relentless in his effort and his efficiency in this matter
is unmatched. Such hard work and dedication will surely be rewarded with
victory.
He is indeed the perfect role model for youths everywhere.
Our dear old Def was granted an exclusive interview
with the popular Dark Lord aboard his Super Star Destroyer recently. Lord
Vader was taking a break from pursuing the rebels and relaxing at his seaside
holiday home near Batu Feringgi.
Vader : Huuuurrrrk tushhhhhh (mechanical breathing).
Def : Lord Vader, it is an unexpected pleasure.
I am honoured that you granted this interview.
Vader : You may dispense with the pleasantries,
interviewer. You are here because the Emperor and his publicists insisted
on this endeavour. "It would boost Imperial popularity in the eyes of internet
users everywhere". Huuuurrrrk tushhhhhh. I would rather see you encased
in carbonite.
Def : (swallows) Uhh yes m'lord. You are very
kind..
Vader : If you don't mind, shall we proceed with
the interview?
Def : Very well m'lord. (coughs) Now, there have
been reports that you were once a Jedi Knight. Is this true?
Vader : Reports on that matter are indeed true.
I have made these revelations myself on Oprah.
Def : Yes, your appearance on Oprah was a big
hit, but on the Jerry Springer Show things weren't quite as smooth as the
Emperor's publicists wanted. Care to elaborate on that?
Vader : The other guest suggested that I was a
spy sent be the Jedi Knights to bring down the Empire. I killed him. I
used the Dark Side to choke him to death. I am a Dark Lord of the Sith.
What was i supposed to do? Invite him over for tea and crumpets?
Def : Well, you do have a point there. I suppose
he won't be 'living long and prospering' ever again eh?
Vader : Huuuurrrrk tushhhhhh. Impressive! Most
impressive! The Dark Humour is strong with you, young interviewer.
Def : Thank you m'lord. Now it has come to our
attention that Obi-Wan Kenobi was seen recently in a spaceport on Tatooine.
The Imperial News agency, however, reported that all Jedi were exterminated
years ago. How do you account for this discrepancy?
Vader : The reappearance of Kenobi was unexpected
but that threat was effectively eliminated before his influence could spread.
No extensive damage was done.
Def : Uh yes, but one does begin to question why
he took such a long time to emerge from his hiding place. Have you any
thoughts into this matter?
Vader : He was old. Probably senile. Perhaps he
thought that he was 30 again and that we're still in the Clone Wars. You
can never tell with these old fogeys. Jedi enhanced senility is a dangerous
thing.
Def : But he did disappear. Does this mean that
perhaps more may also come forward? Perhaps even Yoda.
Vader : Yoda? HAH!! That little green fart is
even older than Kenobi. Have you any idea how old he is? 900!! People over
90 have trouble walking to the toilet alone. At Yoda's age, he'd have to
use the force to carry himself whenever he has to take a piss.
Def : Very thought provoking, m'lord.
Vader : Is there anything else you'd like to ask?
I need to get out of this bloody costume. Huuuurrrrk tushhhhhh. Do you
have any idea how long it takes to take it off? How much time is wasted
when I have to take a leak? It takes a lot of Dark Side power to hold what
i have in my bladder.
Def : Wow! No wonder you mercilessly execute inept
military officers.
Vader : Of course. Do you think that it was because
I am naturally evil? Hardly not! I can be a very nice guy at times.
Def : I believe you. Now there have been complaints
that you have viscously exterminated the Jedi Knights. Care to answer that
allegation?
Vader : They accused me of being a heretic! I
had 'strayed' from the path of good! They said I must die! What was I to
do? It was self defence.
Def : Good point.
Vader : They were just pretending to be all nice
and good. They were all maniacs inside. They wanted to take over the galaxy.
Lucky I was there to stop them. These allegations of atrocities against
the Jedi are all lies. Its a conspiracy by Jedi sympathizers.
Def : Yes yes.. Oh my! Look at the time! I have to run!
Vader : Good. Now I can take that leak. I alsohave to fix
the air conditioning and bathe the cats. Goodbye.