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Study: Animal Abuse Linked to Masturbation
A recent commercial sponsored by the Clean Hands for Kittens foundation.
RELATEDYOUR E-MAIL ALERTSAt a press conference last Saturday, Dr. Hanz Jobbs announced the results of the 3 month long survey of both men and women in the Northeast. According to the report, kittens are being smote by "His Almighty Lord" because people are masturbating which some believe has medicinal benefits. Dr. Jobbs conducted thorough research with the help of Joan of Arcadia. Joan conversed with God and confirmed Dr. Jobbs' earlier suspicions. She also citied that the Lord would soon branch out to similar cute and cuddly animals to curb the growing epidemic. Of those surveyed in the study, 99% of men said they masturbated regularly and 70% said they would masturbate more if it helped kill kittens. In response animal rights activists have begun ad campaigns to raise awareness to the general public and promote masturbation education is the nations public schools. One such group, Clean Hands for Kittens, has found growing support in the post-menopause/old cat lady demographic. With the full brunt of social security checks behind it the organization expects to stop global masturbation by the year 2069.
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