The Some Days Update

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Sunday, September 10, 2006

All I can solidly say is wow. All these people in my life are doing things I never thought would happen. First of all my best friend is now dating my newly ex-girlfriend. He seems as surprised as me. I trust him in that he did nothing to provoke this and I can't see this provoking me to have anything against him in the future. It is not really his problem. This is all a sort of bad decisions and I have a feeling we will all be single when it is over. I am happy for Josh and I am sad for me. I'm excited and depressed at the same time. I have the feeling Holly will never feel the same for me ever again and perhaps that is what I am not comfortable with. I am trying desperately to move on and wishing I didn't have to. Yes as I was dating Holly I noticed some obsticals that would in the very long run probably cause a problem. For example she plans to spend an undetermined amount of time in France after college. As much as I would like to come with her to such a thing, I can't find it practical and I get the feeling she would just meet some guy there and dump me.

I suppose I had hoped I had no reason to be insecure as I very often am. Before I knew it was Josh I had figured she had been swept away by some guy that looks better than me. Of course I had hoped her character was a little better than that. Thankfully that makes her a better person in my mind. I've been thinking about all this for a few days now and it is becoming quite apparent that I still don't really want to let go. It's funny I am drawn to one of my favorite songs, Always by Blink-182, as I reach for words to describe my emotional state. I'll take you back if you'll have me. Let's start this again for real. Though I feel she probably doesn't really have those feelings for me anymore I feel like I could get them back in an instant if she would have me again. I guess what I'm concluding is I never wanted to say goodbye and now I am regretting letting her go.

She told me the same thing I told Kelsey, "There is someone out there for you," and I know what I meant when I said that and I figure that's what she meant too. Basically she's implying the next part, "...and it's not me." Sure, the relationship was starting to level out, but honestly in my experience that happens in every relationship after some time. To me, this is normal. Sadly most people bail out when this happens and in the words of one of my female co-workers "girls are stupid." What she was referring to is the way they handle relationships. She was telling me about the guy she's been seeing for 3 years now and how she almost broke up with him, but how happy she that she didn't. It does get better, but for some reason everyone thinks they always have to have the brand new feeling. No matter what, it will never happen with anyone.

I suppose I can close with simply stating I really wonder what is going through Holly's mind if she reads this.

Saturday, April 1, 2006

Once again things have done a three-sixty on me. I'm neutral with Rebecca and somehow changed my focus on another girl, but in the end finally realized that through all this I had made a best friend: Kelsey. She's become so much more a part of my life since she started to be more vocal. I've been conversing with her for a few weeks now and I really think there's a good chance that this is what was meant to happen. It really isn't like either one of us saw any of this coming, but it happened and now we're dating again. Funny how sometimes the things we find least likely can become the best things that ever happened to us. She makes me laugh, she makes me cry, she makes me feel alive. We can talk all night and just as easily say nothing at all. I love Kelsey for everything she is and means to me. After everything that happened with her I can't believe I'm sitting here typing this. I guess the best way to express how all this came to be is we connected at the right time, but moved in too early. I am really excited to see her every chance I get and can't wait to see where my love takes me!

Thursday, March 2, 2005

Well, things have changed drastically since the last time I posted here. Rebecca and I are back on really good terms now and I honestly can’t say how much that means to me. I honestly was about to just give up all hope. Kelsey told me that eventually if it was meant to be things would change around. I think I’ll start listening to her more on her opinions in these matters. I watched Serendipity at Rebecca’s house yesterday and I have to admit I really like that movie. I also like to think I can relate to it as well. I told Rebecca things like this don’t just happen without reason. I have my hopes set high that one day everything will be as we had envisioned not long ago at all. So pretty much I feel that me and Rebecca reconciled our differences right on Valentine’s Day, which is fine with me. I gave her a card and a rose and a hug. I suppose being a guy I tend to have little faith when it comes to believing that everything somehow one way or another works out in the end. If you really want something badly enough, there’s a fairly good chance one day you’ll realize all that yearning no matter how short or long makes the end all that much more satisfying. I haven’t forgotten Kelsey of course; frankly I don’t think I ever could. She’s an inspiration to me as of late in my life and many times says the things I need to hear even when I don’t realize what she is really saying. I’m a complex person just like everyone else. I have complex feelings and emotions. I can have many feelings towards a single person or part of my life. What I can take from that is: what is the overall feeling I’m left with every time I see this person or scenario? I can say every time I hang up the phone with Kelsey, I usually smile at least once and sometimes laugh. I can say that every time I hang up the phone with Rebecca, I wish I had more time, but when I go to bed she’s all I can think about and many times that alone makes me smile.

Sunday, January 22, 2005

I’ve been spending a lot of my time trying to figure out why all these things happened to me. I believe I’ve had some unexpected revelations occur through an unexpected person, Kelsey. Though normally I describe her as a very docile, quiet person, something she said to me that even she, herself said made her think of me, inspired me; keep chasing your dreams. As trite as this may sound it probably has had the most profound impact on everything that I think about. I feel to a degree all these bad things happened because I just wasn’t going the right path to realizing my dreams. My goals in life are very modest and yet I still feel much unaccomplished in life. I was saying to a co-worker the other day that I feel really stupid. I was rather busy and I was having very pleasant and active conversations with customers, but still I felt like there was something missing. When she asked the inevitable question, “Why?” I hastily and softly said I feel so alone. Once again today I had asked Will to kick Rebecca out of the store as she was wondering around aimlessly because all seeing her in street clothes did was remind me of that time when I had that person I felt completed me. I don’t know if she even bothers to look at this stuff anymore. I don’t know if I even bother to really be happy around her anymore. As far as I can tell its all one big loss and I simply cannot like someone who would do what she did. I cannot like someone who did what her parents did. I lay little blame on Rebecca, but her turning her back on something she knew and loved was just unacceptable. From what I could see all she did was cry; no fight was put up at all. Where are your convictions??? If you truly want something, you fight for it!!! She is better off just leaving me alone because in spite the fact I still very much enjoy talking to her, I get the feeling she just does not sport the integrity that I would expect from anyone I date. Jess put up a bigger fight than Rebecca to be allowed to date me and in the end Jess broke up with me because I was making her unhappy, not because daddy caught us in her room. Jess loves her family, but still has convictions and holds to them tightly no matter what anyone tells her. That can be a bad thing, but at least it doesn’t make her the kind on person that backs down on things she believes in. Rebecca’s parents had nothing to convict me of and immediately figured I was going to cause problems. I don’t mean to be an asshole, but you need to see this in clear light. I am bitter for many reasons: some personal and some external. Further down the line, the last thing I want to see is Rebecca getting back together with Matt. She sees me as not being a real friend because I don’t appear supportive. Look around you! Do you honestly think everyone has your best interests in mind? Do you want me to blindly assure of things that may never happen? Do you want me to make lies for you to believe there is always hope in all causes? Or would you rather I tell you the truth as I see it? I can say anything I want and candy-coat it. I can make people think things that aren’t even remotely true, but they believe it because I told them and I looked sincere. Would you rather we have a relationship like that; where everything is completely unclear and I just tell you what I know you want to hear? If you ever thought I was not your friend keep in mind what I said in the beginning. I remember you got upset then too. You just don’t understand that you’re one of mine now and I will even if I don’t want or like to go to great lengths to see that you don’t get screwed over because your emotions blinded you. I’ve done it to people and I’ve had it done to me. I know all about playing around with people and how it hurts them. The hell if I want to see it happen to you or anyone else I’ve ever dated. In Kelsey’s words,”You seem to have an answer for everything.” (Referring to me of course.) Yeah I do tend to find a way to explain everything, but this time I just don’t know. I don’t date co-workers. I wish I would have just stuck to that and became good friends with Rebecca instead. Then it wouldn’t matter so much that her parents didn’t like me. Then again, for the times I spent with her, I couldn’t trade the memories for the world. I seriously thought she was going to be different and the ending was nothing I had planned. It seems like the slightest tug and bang, it was all over. Everything happens for a reason. Kelsey said that probably I’ll meet someone further down the line and I will think again I couldn’t be happier. I guess I have to believe her, but I do worry about her and Rebecca occasionally and still think about some of the ones before them as well. I’m not one for confrontation. So for me to post something like this is a rather risky step for me. But if I never said it, I’d still have felt it, so I would be untruthful to not just come out and say all this. My how our opinions can change just from the actions of others.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Sure I can be Rebecca's friend until eternity. I will be the best friend she ever had. I already changed all my physical habits to better my life. I'm praying more often. I'm even going to church again. I'm doing everything in my power to not let her just slip through my fingers like "the girl that got away." I don't want to have one of those stories. I want Rebecca; nothing more, nothing less. So now I don't even feel all that good about the gift I bought her. Namely because I know she's going to feel bad given the conditions it was given under. I feel so helpless and I know Rebecca's probably going to be looking for other guys so under the circumstances this is retarded. Why can two people who don't have direct control over an individual tell that person what she can and cannot do. I fail to see what it going to make things so different if I and Rebecca are just friends. So is this implying that she will never do anything her parents don't approve of? Somehow I find that hard to believe. What about after she finally moves out of the house? Will she still care about if her mother approves of her dates? So why do I need to break up with her now? If I didn't like her so much I wouldn't put myself through this, but to me anything is going to be worth it for her in the end.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Man its cold in my room for some reason. I turned the heat all the way up and I'm still freezing my butt off. So a few days ago I got some bad news. It seems Rebecca's mother and Scott don't trust me with her. My father said it sounds like they are reliving their childhood. I can't explain how much this frustrates me. Here I have a really good thing going and this time it's ended completely beyond my control. They didn't tell her she couldn't date me, but they might as well have. I've pretty much determined that I'll wait as long as it takes for this to clear up. I also concluded that anyone Rebecca likes the rest of her family probably won't just based on how very different she is from everyone else. This feels like a slap in the face because I thought everything was going fine. So I spent a good deal of my high school life being called all kinds of names. Now I spend my time outside being guilty of these names until proven other-wise. I'm not here to cause problems and after thinking about it for a while I completely support her decision to not defy her mother. I have only had one friend ever get banned from the house, but she really did a number to make my parents cautious. I haven't done anything and I'm already being judged. Two months is hardly enough time to know if you can trust someone or not. So in all honesty I am not angry with Rebecca at all. Last night I got a call. I really got excited, and then I saw it was just Will from work. I miss calls from Rebecca. She's the only one that calls me all the time on my cell phone and since that night, I haven't received any calls. I am afraid to call because I don't want her to get in any trouble. But then I think maybe it's better this way. I really want to see her at work today but with my luck it isn't going to happen. Right now I feel like a piece of my life has been taken from me and I am left just wondering if it will every come back. I don't ever want to say goodbye, but in the worse case I may have no choice. Honestly if I could have just one thing, it would be for Rebecca's mother and Scott to trust me. That would fix everything, but I have no idea what I can do to make that happen. (Updated Lyrics)

Monday, November 21, 2005

Wow, my dad sure took a lot of pictures. I'm going to be spending all my free time scanning them. Not too long back I bought an Epson Perfection 4490 scanner with the thought I would give it to my father as a gift. Shortly after purchasing I thought it would make more sense for me to just convert all the photos myself instead. A few weeks ago, actually almost a month ago, I met the most wonderful girl, Rebecca. Well actually she's the reason I'm updating this thing. She's everything I've been looking for and more. I've never had as good of a feeling about a girl since I met her. I don't have to make any compromises and she doesn't do anything that pisses me off. We agree on all the issues that matter to me and she's always there for me no matter what. In fact, she goes out of her way if she even has just a chance to see me. Whether that's an obsession or not, I really don't care. The point is she's great in everything and anything we do. She just makes it all the more fun. I don't think I've ever been this excited about meeting anyone. I always have those small gut feelings about things that I know are going to bother me. With Rebecca, they just aren't there.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Showed up in school about 40 minutes early and was greeted with an unexpected test. I think I did well on it, but then again I've thought that before and was very wrong. My grades are fairing in the 3.8 range which makes me happy. My GPA is higher than I ever could have hoped for in high school. I feel like I'm alienating a lot of people I used to talk to all the time in return for time to talk with Kelsey. I think she is the most perfect girl for me because of her high tolerance. I know I can drive a person nuts, but I have yet to do anything that notably upset her. Maybe she's right; I can't really be an ass hole. I just feel really bad about how I handled that whole Steph situation and at many times felt I was exploiting her for personal gain. It's a tough world for everyone. I think I have a whole effect on women and cause many to think I'm "the one" every time. Then I look back and think it's all psychological in that I have a very different approach to women. I'm not in it intentionally for the "pussy." Don't get me wrong it's great and I should know, but I am trying to find something stronger than a sexual desire in a partner. So many girls would love to be with me because they know I'm easy and I don't push them into anything. The things I'm unsure of is if I have any desire other than the wait for "going further." Because I've been so far before it's really hard to just sit back and start all over again. It's like when I see Kelsey, I just want to be all over her, but I know that's moving too fast and I want to respect her. What I'm afraid of is: "If I get what I want sexually, will I still want what I get intellectually."

Tuesday, March 2, 2004 12:32am

Well is appears that Jess and Whit are upset with me for a reason that is beyond my comprehension. Oddly i'm not very disturbed because somehow I saw this coming. Cool beans, I've got a reliable girl. I can actually depend on her being there for me. Finally someone that doesn't flap at the mouth to anyone who will listen just for attention. Most of all she doesn't attempt to sing every song we hear. Although i should have made an entry on Saturday, that was one of the best nights I've ever spent with one person. I remember the dancing. I never danced feeling so much like my feet might fall from beneath me. Kelsey makes having a girlfriend fun. Usually when I'm tired no music will do it for me, but anything that night felt right. I know my heart is finding a new home and I have to admit where it rests I won't put up much of a fight for its return. I still have to ask myself if I'm in love because I've thought I was before and was wrong. As much fun as this is, I think Kelsey is actually being realistic about how things might be. That actually surprises me. I'm going to go to bed now, that HTML test I fear will bite me in the ass.

Thursday, February 19, 2004 6:05pm

Say farewell to Lyrics of the Day. Due to lack of interest I have deemed the page a waist of time. It will remain untouched and therefore un-updated. Anyhow, I have to say I've never been more neutral in my life. I'm happy I finally met someone that will put up with me enough to want to date me, but sad that I can't see her for a short while. I don't think I've had such a great time just talking to someone. Yeah, I guess I'm happy. I suppose the most surprising thing that happened was Kelsey Klunk, my new girl, filled out that 500 questionnaire I posted on here and emailed it to me. The funny thing is I was going to send her a 200 question one I had just received. I hope she has a great time at Mardi Gras and in the words of Julia Easton,"...bless them with our music." I've been getting too tired lately and I really wish Desire or however you spell her name would get her butt over here so I can install the head unit she got for christmas. Other than that it's going to be a lonely day.

Monday, January 26, 2004 2:55pm

I don't understand anything today. I haven't even talked to anyone and I already am confused. Getting up too early for me, I thought it an opportune time to watch a movie. Just before it began, my mom burst in and said no you aren't. After clearing the driveway, I watched "The Green Mile." Here I stand again with nothing to do and talking to Sarah. I really wish I could get a hold of Lacey to clean all that crap up. Then we have the lovely and vivacious Jessica. I was expecting her more than anyone today to be online now and she wasn't. Frankly that's why I'm typing this out right now. I don't get how some people can type out huge journal entries every day. I never have enough wrong to bitch for two pages every night. Well there's not much left to say, so I hope I see someone familiar today and not be cooped up in this house all day.

Saturday, January 24, 2004 1:09pm

After setting up a digital 5.1 system, I have found the digital audio has a slight delay to it. Because of that I simply cannot use my analog and digital sets together. It causes an echo problem. Funny how I will get online constantly just in hopes I can talk to Jess. I fear I could become attached. That's something I need to watch out for because frankly I'm not getting myself involved like I used to in relationships. I'm trying to get myself out of the habit of just saying whatever I think because sometimes it's not really what I think. The words that come out of my mouth many times are sweeter than my imagination. When people hear what I'm thinking, they go nuts because the words that come out rarely make any sense. Laughter follows because it seems so spontaneous. Yet everything in my head makes perfect sense. In the future I think I'll hire a translator. I decided the update list could get a little cumbersome to download so all the old posts are found in the archives.