�I will leave you here now Dawn, you will be in good hands�, it was the sister, she gave me a parting smile and she was gone into the darkness of the corridor were we had just come from. I glanced up at my husband, who by now was very eager to see our little gift, and asked him to push me in to the room. �This way��., here she is!� A young nurse, dressed brightly in a tabard with all animals and pretty shapes on it showed us to her tiny open cot in the corner. The shock that met my eyes was not only due to the vast array of machines and alarms, but was also to the little thing that lay there, her chest rising and dipping heavily in this open cot, every breath seemed to be a struggle to her. I felt my eyes well up and slowly one single tear rolled down my face, and the only words I could muster up were�Ema! She lay there so doll like, and so tiny. There were wires and machines attached to her from every direction, each one doing a specific job and with its unique sound, this alone can scare the hell out of anyone, but to be the parent of that child makes you feel a failure and useless. The kind nurse could tell our distress and approached us with an in-depth report on the situation so far. �She is a little poorly at the minute�, she told us as we just sat there staring at her lying there, every breath seemed to take every single peace of energy her tiny body had, and I could not help thinking it so cruel, if there was a god then why do this to a baby. We sat and chatted with the nurse for a short while, who told us in great detail every single thing that had happened so far, and what every machine did for her. It was a lot to take in, in such a short space of time, but she could sense we needed some time alone with Ema and left us too it. I sat in complete silence for a time just watching her and thinking how much smaller she looked then when I had last seen her in my arms only two hours before, it was an odd feeling really just sat there, I could not hear anything at all apart from my own erythematic breathing and the beating of my own heart, loud and strong in my ear. I was running through my head all that had been told to me, only moments before of all that this little angel, my little angel, had gone through already in her short life , and what it all meant. I can try to explain all that was being done for her during this short time but in words, unless you try its hard to see in your minds eye alone the whole picture and how I felt sat there watching and worrying feeling useless to help my own child. The most frightening site was the small tube that she had pushed down her throat into her stomach to enable the nurses to feed her, it was taped to the side of her face to keep it in place and looked so uncomfortable to me, after a quick glance at her chart I could see that she would be fed, 1mil of milk every hour. A tiny a mount to us, but to her tiny insides it was a feast. On her foot she had a strap around it made of padding and Velcro, this held in place a tiny electrode to monitor her pulse and her blood oxygen levels and was displayed on a monitor with beeps along with flashing LCD display numbers to represent the results. This was a clever device and an alarm would sound if her pulse went too high or low and her blood saturation changed out of the normal range. On her tiny abdomen was a rounds sticky sensor attached to a hand held monitor called an Apnoea Monitor, that would alarm the staff if she stopped breathing for any amount of time, a common occurrences, I was told with premature babies. In one hand she had a splint on were the doctors had placed a tap in her tiny vein to make administrating any drugs quicker and easier. All round the bed there were various machines, all with jobs to do in the event of an emergency. Above her open cot there was a heater, it was so warm even for me sat next to her, but to tiny babies like her she needed to be kept warm as she could not do it on her own, along with the heater that lay under her mattress as well she was like a little chicken all wrapped up. Some of the things were in the cot with her, from time to time such as the Apnoea monitor and a small oxygen mask, which was used in the event that she stopped breathing or her blood saturation levels went low.

As you can imagine this is all so very daunting to start with but something that can be got use to with time, as I did. After a short time alone with Ema, we were advised that I should go over to the ante-natal ward for some rest and to try and have a sleep, there would be lots of time later to sit with her but for now she was sleeping herself and in good hands. I reluctantly agreed and was wheeled off, down a link corridor in the opposite direction to the one I had arrived at, and was soon onto the ante-natal ward. I was by now feeling the effects of the drugs and was very tired, as I was helped into a bed on the main ward, in the corner by the window. I was glad of this I liked having the natural light and a view, but sad at having to be in a room with five other new mums, but were as they had something I didn�t and that was there baby. By now it was around eight am and my husband thought it best if he went home, not only to allow me to rest but also to take over with the children. My mum had been with them all night and would soon need to go to work herself. Its funny how no one seems to think of the other members of the family and they feel when this sort of thing happens to you, and that it can break a family as well as bring it together. The next thing I can remember is waking to find my curtains around my bed closed and I was alone. As my mind started to re-focus and the effects of the drugs were slowly wearing off, I could make out the distant noise of a baby crying, this just set my emotions off once again and I was crying. The tears rolled down my face uncontrollably and I just wanted the nightmare to end, I just wanted my baby with me and to go home.

Days seem to drag on forever and there was still no sighn of my angel coming home, untill that day. I had dashed upstairs to make my mid morning call to the hospital to see how she was getting on. I was greeted by a welcome friendly voice who i could sence was very excited about something. What came next just knocked me off my feet, was i hearing right they were letting Ema home?! The rest of the day went past with a wirl of excitment in the air with the whole family, who had become my rock during this terrible time.

It was like a dream stepping into the sunshine of the hospital car park with my baby at last, but this was no dream it was real and I could touch and hold this dream. It did not come without its worries for months, fearing something may go wrong.. But it never did, and I am happy to say to this day we have not looked back and we keep jumping the milestones together.

I dedicate this site to the love of my four Angels Jac (6) , Aron (4) , Amy (3) , and of course Ema Jane (1) xxxx