The test sat on the mantle piece like a trophy waiting to be admired but that morning I was just to busy things to be done that just could not wait Amy was wailing for crisps she was two and a proper daddy�s girl which combined with the terrible two�s was not a pretty sight and then there was Aron he was sat crying in the corner for what I had no idea it was all guess work with him, you see since an early age we had always thought Aron was such a good boy he would sit for hours in his little chair complete with dirty nappy it made no difference to him as long as the TV was on until he got to about two and was still not talking then we found it was much more and would start screaming and having what we now call episodes were even the devil would have been worried by him we then discovered after test and endless doctors visits that he has what�s called a global learning disability which in plain English means he�s slow in everything he�s more like a one year old but bigger and so much stronger. So picture it in your mind do you think I would really take much notice of this white plastic stick sitting there and yelling at me look I�m positive!!

What did it say as I fished it out the bag of rubbish I had just put it in, I got so use to throwing them away my mind had gone into auto pilot and put it in without my brain taking it in. I just remember sitting there thinking I�m going to have a baby any one would have thought it was my first but in fact it was going to be my fourth I had had my first when I was twenty and that was five years ago he was not a baby no more he was in full time school and like a little old man always wanting to do something forever asking his dad what can we do now dad? Shall we cut the grass dad? I sat for about five minutes just looking at the two pink dots it was no use I would have to do it again so I could watch it change before my eyes couldn�t break with tradition could I. Five minutes later Amy and Aron are sat watching the tweenies so I sneak up stairs and every step I was telling myself it was a mistake, yea like the pregnancy fairies had snook in the window and had a wee on my test get a grip girl. No definitely, no mistake what a lovely shade of pink that dot went as I sat there on the edge of the toilet seat it was right I was going to be a mum again and to celebrate one single tear ran down my cheek. My fingers can�t dial the number quick enough and why today off all days had the number gone completely out my head, I had dialed it so many times I could do it with my eyes closed, it�s ringing then a voice I�ve heard so many times before in the last ten years Hi darling! Its cled my husband I try and act calm and collected but it just don�t work out it tumbles in a mass of words. Your going to be a dad again, then silence. Oh great are you and the kids ok? Did I hear right must have because he asks�s me again yea fine I reply see you later and the phone goes down. Fine what I nice response but by now I was too excited to care, the next to get my of good news was mag�s she has been like a big sister to me for the last thirteen years and had been with me when I had Amy two years before so I decide to ask her to call down for a coffee straight away no questions asked with that she was on her way. I was on a high by now and cloud nine was a thousand miles below me so by the time mags arrived about fifteen minutes later I was finding it hard to keep it from her but five more minutes wouldn�t hurt.� Coffee?� I shout from the kitchen as I�m preparing her eleven o clock snack what I treat it would be a mince pie and pregnancy test on the same plate. I still can see her face as I hand her the plate after having to shout at her to sit down and take the plate then a scream and the biggest hug in history I think she was happy for me.

It goes without saying how my family felt being the eldest of six it speaks volumes to what my mum thinks about babies� she and the rest of my family were thrilled. This would mean more work but that�s what made me happy even the crying and the constant I want from Jac, but that�s what kids are all about we were all kids once. From the day I found out I was pregnant I new it would mean endless trips to the hospital for scans and countless visits to the consultant 27 miles away, I had been through it with the other three why should this time be any different but little did I know then it was to be the start of a rollercoster ride from then on, one I�ll never forget. I guess I was lucky to have not had too much morning sickness this time round not like Amy. I cant count the days that I was not out of bed before dinner and not being able to even turn my head without throwing up and that�s when I rearly appreciated tots TV as I used a waste bin from the boys room as my sick bucket, thanks tots. That�s when family do come in handy for all that its worth thanks to them all not that it was a nice job running round after someone else�s kids and listening to me throwing up every five minutes but with out them the two boys would have lived in the toilet with me for the first four months. I had my first scan at only seven weeks to check dates and there it was a little grape on the screen just sitting there without a care in the world blissfully unaware of what was awaiting it in the outside world. That scan was to be one of twelve the next one was ten weeks later at seventeen weeks and it was then that it became a she. It was that clear even if I didn�t want to now we would have seen it with out a problem or translating she defiantly was a girl. How stupid I felt in that scan room that day for the last eleven weeks I was totally convinced she was a boy and had even chose a name for her Shaun Alwyn but some how that didn�t sound right any more so the 27 mile drive home was spent thinking of names. After much debating I agreed on cleds choice of Ema Jane Roberts so that was it baby, name, clothes just another 23 weeks and she would be here to go with it.

Things seemed to be going ok until I reached 29 weeks. I had been having scans and check ups at the hospital every two weeks and was having to rely on mags to take me every time because I don�t drive my self, this in itself is stressful organizing for my mum to have the other three the long drive there to sit around in waiting room chairs that must have been designed by Hitler himself some how it was not my idea of a great day out because that was what it always meant a whole day of it. This particular day seemed to be the changing point for it all, the consultant thought it necessary to give me an examination from which came the conclusion that hit me like a ton of bricks. You�ll never get to 34 weeks we should plan for a premature birth!! What did she mean I�ll never get there did she think it was the London marathon she was talking about. My head was spinning like a merry go round at the fair so many thoughts so many questions why, what did she mean plan? It was as if she had read my mind because in the next breath she was planning to admit me as a day case on the ward the next day for steroid injections, which she explained where to mature the baby�s lungs in the event of premature birth. By way of reading my face she must have known how I felt and her response was it�s not your fault it�s your cervix you see they are very short a lot shorter than they should be for your stage in pregnancy and a scan had revealed that I had funneling of the waters by the cervix. It was all words to me it made no difference what she had said to me all I was worried about was my baby or should I now say Ema! The following morning bright and early I arrived on the ward was they did not take long in to tend to me. It�s for the good of Ema is what I was telling myself as I nursed a sore backside it has to be the most painful thing I�ve ever had to go through in all my life, with another one to look forward to in twelve hours time. That day went so quickly I was convinced someone kept playing with the clock, on good thing about the day was I got to look around the special care baby unit so I was prepared they said so I was familiar with it they said but I don�t think you ever can be once it happens.

So once back home again things carried on much the same I was told to rest as much as possible hard with three children to look after but the weekends were my time when n my knight in shining Armour was home from work and would take over the work load and was constantly telling me to sit down and out my feet up. The visits to the consultant stayed the same along with the scans and every time it would be the same, baby�s small and slow growing but while there�s growth she�s better were she is, what did they now poor thing was probably sick to death as I was of being poked and prodded. I don�t think it ever rearly sunk in what they were saying and was always thinking they had made a mistake, but a part of me was scared that they were right and scared of what lay ahead. It was like I had a disease everyone saying that I would be ok and that Ema would be fine I guess they had there fears of there own they were trying to hide to make me feel better but instead it made me feel worse like no on understood or even cared how I might be feeling, even cled my husband Ema�s dad just seem to take it with a pinch of salt. Inside I felt like screaming at everyone, it�s ok to talk about it I want freak out, I want bite your head off but after all said and done they were also thinking about me.

One good thing is I had my sister�s wedding to arrange and that took my mind off all the goings on in my mind if only for a couple of hours I was in a dream world of frilly dresses and flowers, but the bump back down to earth was when my sister reminded me that I was matron of honor and what would happen if I did have the baby before her wedding my dress would be no good! Which in fairness was a very good question as I would be 34 weeks the week of her wedding. Never fear that�s were super mum comes to the rescue, well after all that�s what mums are good at is picking up the pieces or making things better. I lost track of how many hours my mum and I sat in her attic with the hum of the sewing machine going full speed, most nights would be the same get the kids to bed and off over to my mums round the corner to get a little more done. Standing back and admiring the dress once we had unpicked and resewn a thousand times or more it was finally done and it looked great an once I tried it on I new there and then that what ever happened it would be fine bump or no bump it was a master piece. I did find time to laugh at some things especially when it came to my sister trying her wedding dress on and found it getting rather tight for her expanding waist line, well that�s what happens when you get yourself pregnant after you plan your wedding and buy the dress at least I could improvise with my clothes! By now I was having home visits three times a week with my community midwifes just to keep an eye on me, and even though I hate myself for what I was thinking but I just wanted the circus ride to stop so I could get off and have my baby in peace and get on with a normal life again, just being treated like I was fragile and that I had to be wrapped in cotton wool endless visits to the white coat brigade who all seemed to say the same, oh yes risk of premature labor you must have extra check ups and plenty of rest. That was all good and fine but where was the people to tell me what would happen if the baby or she as we could call her now did come early what sort of things to expect was I the only person in the world to have experienced this or was it just a taboo subject I just wanted answers.

As the famous dress had been finished and most of the final arrangements done I took to reading most evenings on any thing and everything on premature babies and special care which for this day and age surprisingly is not much, even then I wish I could have spoken to someone who had been were I was today. One big factor that was getting me down was I had not slept for weeks I had tried every trick in the book but nothing could get rid of my cramps in my legs. They were so good you could set your watch by them and slowly started to believe that big Ben took lessons from my legs for time keeping. Every night without fail you could bet your bottom dollar around ten o clock it would start my legs would feel restless and the only way to relive it would be to walk around the sofa over and over again I don�t now how cled never got so dizzy watching me that he threw up. Some nights I would still be they�re walking for great Briton at two an three in the morning complete with remote control in hand and a glass of tonic water in the other to try and relive it still with no joy. Do you now what it feels like to think that everyone is sleeping in the world but not you I could cry some nights with sheer frustration because I was so tired but just could not get to sleep because a pair of legs with a mind of there own that just wanted to keep walking. One side of me was scared of what lay ahead but strangely another part of me was golly and well if it�s going to happen it will. We had a long standing joke within our family and friends and that was knowing my luck if it was going to happen it would during the whit sun half term holidays which were a week away. Since I had found out I was expecting Ema I had stopped work at a local hotel as a chambermaid I only worked four days a week and I jobbed shared with my mum and she did the other three so whit week would be very busy and if any thing did decide to happen it would mean mum having time off work, not a problem my mum had said but I just didn�t want to be a burden to anyone. Even through it all I had planned everything to the last detail my bags had been packed for months and my mobile never left my side it had become a part of me, but most important I had chosen my birth partners mags and of course cled would see me through it. Mags had been with me when I had Amy two years earlier and had been a tower of strength so it seemed only right that she would be with me again but on joking I prayed along with mags it did not come true as she was off on a holiday on the Tuesday after whit bank holiday Monday. Whit Monday was a great day cled was off all day and for once the weather was dry so the kids could play out with out moaning around the house and yes most of all I got to put my feet up all day and have a break. I don�t now why but I spent most of the afternoon going through my hospital bag and repacking it all again to make sure I had not forgotten anything, perhaps my subconscious new but it was a good chance to do it because little did I now that I would be needing it in twelve hours time. Early to bed tonight cled had said as I paced the living room for the hundredth time that night, he was back at work the following morning and always liked an early night when he had been off it helped him get back into the routine he says.

I must have spent about half an hour in bed in total before legs were of on their travels again; another night walking was a head! Two am and I�m taping a program on sky for cled all on vasectomy�s, ever since he had one himself a few months before he was intrigued as to how it was done and I was more than happy to cheer him up to show him what they had done to his bits! The last time I looked at the clock it was around three am then I must have fallen to sleep until around seven when cled and Amy gave me a startling awakening.