I stood there for what seemed like an eternity, I think I could have counted every single stream of sunlight that seemed to beam it way through my window that morning, and each one seemed to be aimed at me. I glanced across at my brother who was by now being bombarded with requests of play fights and piggy backs from my three small children who along with James where totally unaware of what in fact was going on and what was to happen next. As if a sign I caught out of the corner of my eye something on the shelf next to me�.my mobile phone. This was going to be my plan of action and my first call was to be to my midwife, but my first port of call was to be to the bathroom. What a sight I must have been that morning sitting there trying to get off the toilet, but every time I tried there seemed to be another gush of fluid would I be stuck here all day? Panic was by now setting in, and my logical thinking was slowly going out the window. I managed to get across the landing to the bedroom to change into my second outfit of the morning, this in itself would prove to be a problem as I did not have avast array of maternity clothes to choose from. I settled for my maternity jeans as these were the only things I had and quickly changed before the next flood started. Time for me to get myself sorted out, so I grabbed my phone and dialed the number. It quickly started ringing, hope at last I thought I will soon be on my way to knowing what to do.

What NO midwife available? This could not be happening to me could it? It was true there was no midwife to come out to see me; they were covering a house call, a home birth no less. Right now on to plan B, but what was plan B I didn�t have one, if only I had planned and thought of what to do if this did happen, after all I had been a high risk case. I stared down at my bed, how I wished I could get back into it and wake up again to find out this had all been a dream, this was no dream though so onto the next call. �Hello� came the voice on the other end, �How are you? Is everything ok?� was everything ok? What a question, but how do I reply, I was not ok, far from it but what do I say? It was my husband on the phone who had only left for work half an hour before all this had happened. �My waters have broken� I blurted out. I could just picture his face in my minds eye, a kind of white shade, with glazed over eyes. �Are you sure?� he stuttered out. Sure he asks �of course I�m sure� in my mind I was begging, please offer me advice what shall I do? As if he had read my mind he gave me an answer, �I can�t get home just yet I�m out on a delivery, you will have to call your mum� Mum of course, but she was at work too, but luckily she only worked down the road so she would be able to get back straight away. So now to plan C, I was just praying I would not have to go all the way through the alphabet, till I got some one to come and take over for me. Just as to break my bubble a voice came shouting up the stairs, James, I had forgotten about him and the children downstairs, and the fact he was going out with my brother-in-law to get some parts for his car today and were due to leave very soon. �Yes?� I shouted back without moving from my safe haven of the bedroom were I was still sat on the edge of the bed in the sunlight. �Hurry up, I am going to have to go soon� oh great I thought now what? �OK� I yelled back without sounding to shaky voiced. Right now to move fast, Corina my sister that would be my next call, just to stall James from making a move and leaving me all alone. I quickly telephoned her to give her the situation of what had happened that morning so far, and asked her to stall James without giving the game away, so as not to risk setting him into a panic as well.

With this done I set about calling my mum at work, by now my hands were starting to shake as I dialed the numbers. Only six numbered keys to press, but to my poor shaking fingers it seemed more like six hundred. I was met by the hello of my mums boss who I knew well, I did not give her any idea what I wanted only to chat with my mum. I�m sure my mum, as mums do knew that there was something wrong that day, and it showed in the speed she took to get to the phone. If I know my mum she probably still had her cleaning mop in hand as she speed down the corridor to take the call. �What�s up?� came the soothing voice of my mum on the other end of the phone. I babbled the whole story to her while she listened intently, without interruption and then waited for her reply and suggestions. It�s so strange that even when we become of an age when we are adults ourselves we still look towards our good old mums for advice and comfort when in times of need. �I�m on my way� was the quick reply �get yourself ready� and with that she put the phone down. I sat looking at the phone for a couple of minutes half expecting to see my mum in it, before giving my self a nudge back into reality and getting up to go back to the world of bouncing children and my brother who was still unaware of what was going on.

I made my way slowly down the stairs and entered the living room to see the kids trashing the room along with there uncle who should know better, there were Cushing�s flying around along with empty biscuit wrappers and the TV was blaring above them all. �Come on kids� I urged �get your shoes on we are going out�. The sounds of disapproval rang round the room and my head along with so many worries and fears; I just didn�t need this right now. My sister had telephoned James and made her excuses about going out to get the cars spare parts, thankfully, and un be known to me was on her way over with my mum. Poor James at this point was still unaware of what exactly was going on, but knew there was something not quite right about the whole affair. I rushed around trying to get the kids to all get ready with a mass of feet and shoes everywhere, the cry�s of �why do we have to go out?� and �were are we going?� were loud and clear and all could say was �wait and see�, what more could I say to them they were too young to understand what was going on any more than I could predict just what lay ahead not only for me but the whole family. At that point everything seemed to go by in a blur; it was like something out of a film and in parts a comedy. There were kids running riot, along with me like a headless chicken up and down the stairs to carry my case down and any last minute things I might have forgotten and my head like a spinning top to say the least. Like cars pulling in for a pit stop my sister Corina and her partner Gareth along with there little boy Ifan pulled onto the drive followed closely by my mum, it looked like a scene from an old gangster movie only in colour. The neighbours must have thought we had all gone bonkers. The door was flung open and the whole house erupted into a mass shouting competition, with voices coming at me from every direction. At this point I thought it a good time to let my mum take over, and as if to read my mind she went into action. �Come on you lot into the cars� with a tone of fun in her voice, and like the rats in the pied piper of went the three kids to the awaiting car. Silence at last fell upon the room, a welcome break to the morning; I turned to my mum and smiled. �How you feeling?� she asked with now what seemed to be a tone touched with concern, but still that glint of, it will be Ok in her eyes. What could I say to this? I don�t know how I felt, it was every emotion all rolled into one. If you have never been through a premature labour this can be kind of hard to understand, for those who have been unfortunate to have undergone this, for them they will be fully aware of how I was feeling right at that very second. �I�m OK� I lied, put strangely enough a part of me was. �One last thing�, I yelled as went up the stirs pregnant for the last time.

I placed the towel over the passenger seat of my mum�s car, and climbed in, I positioned myself on it comfortably, gave my mum one last smile, of reassurance and we were on our way. After only a five minute drive around the corner we were there and the comedy sketch started again with this time us all offloading passengers to wails of delight to be at �Nana�s house�. I left mum to go upstairs to peace and quiet to telephone an ambulance, standard procedure for premature labours and got seated comfortably on the coffee table, so as not to accidentally leak on the furniture. The TV was turned on and silence once more fell upon the house were there was so much bubbling under the surface. I sat there for what seemed to be a lifetime, waiting for mum to return with more information on what was going on and what I was to do next. For some reason I now began feeling irritated with all that was going on around me, looking back now I suppose it was due to the worry and stress of the day, I mean who would not be a little snappy and off with people?

�Right�, a familiar voice called �Are we all set Dawn?� It came like an alarm call back to reality, just to remind me this was really happening to me. �Your taxi is on its way�, right I thought here we go into the world of the unknown. I looked around the room at the kids now all sat watching daytime TV, like a person on there way to the gallows taking it all in for the last time. I could not help but to start feeling alone and scared, and how I wish I could stay right there with everyone and will it to stop and go away. I had to really try and fight back the tears that day harder than I have ever had to in my life, I felt safe here, and at least here I knew I was in control, as best as I could be in this kind of situation anyway. The ambulance men were kind and could sense I felt nervous and tense; they helped me into the back doors closely followed by my mum, of course. It was a bright sunny day, and its glow and heat penetrated the window on my back, which soothed and calmed me. I didn�t speak much on the twenty-seven mile trip, but just listened with intent at the other occasional comments passing back and forth. The journey seemed to last forever, yet this trip is one I had done many times before and every time it seemed to wiz by in the blink of an eye. Finally the doors opened and the rays of sunlight streamed in through the doors, I could not wait to get out and take in a huge gulp of the fresh air. To my disappointment it did not last long, and I was ushered inside two electronic doors, which seemed to swallow me and pull me in. The lift doors slid open with a �ping� to the first floor which opened out onto the maternity suite, and my destination was in sight, the labour ward. As I walked the long corridor I could not help but have a feeling of going into a void of no return and fear for what lay ahead. I wish I could explain every single thing that was going through my head on that, what seemed like a eternal road, but I feel that I may never get them all down on paper or even in words.

I felt relieved to be sat on the bed as uncomfortable as it may be, but just to be there I felt a feeling of calm wash over me, to be in good safe hands and for some one else to take over. I was greeted with friendly faces that brought sensitivity with it; it was great at last to find people that had an understanding to some extent as to what I was feeling. After countless questions and form filling by my midwife, it was time for me to see the Dr, who would be carrying out my examination. Just then as if to make me at ease a little kick came, then another, then another, my little girl, as I had come to find out from one of my many scans was starting to stir and to what would soon be apparent make her way into this world far to early. My Dr turned into an Asian women and who was really friendly. After my mum making her excuses and leaving to make a phone call home to check on the troops, I quickly changed into my nightdress for the check over by the DR, whose first job was to see if my waters had broken. I have seen some strange things in my time but what I was too see next was eye watering to say the least. It was as only can be described as a over sized cotton wool bud, a sight for sore eyes I can tell you. The DR took the time along with the midwife to explain everything that was about to happen, and how this test stick�.was going to be placed in me, and if it turned brown from white it was a positive result of my amniotic fluid rupturing.

There is was, as dark brown as dark brown can be�..�Well I think we can conclude from that your waters have broken� the DR stated. It was odd but for the first time that day I first thought about what the out come could be for my baby if she was born too early, and the thoughts scared me. The room fell empty and silence once more, but to me this was a bad thing, too much time to think, to imagine, to worry, and to WAIT. With that all over what worse could happen? But to my horror the worst was to come, �time for your steroid injection Dawn, if you will just turn over for me and pull up your night dress�, these words will haunt me forever. I had endured this treatment only a month before, when my consultant thought it wise to have a two injection course, as a precaution. �Oh no not again?� I complained, knowing in my heart that it was for the sake of the baby, I had been told during my first dose that it was there to help the babies� lungs to mature quicker in the event of a premature labour, but this didn�t make the pain any easier to bear. The drug used in those evil injections is thick syrup type stuff so it parts the muscles when it goes into the top of your leg, causing a numb aching leg which lasts for about a day, but in respect of what it can do for a baby it�s not that bad at all. The clock seemed to whirl round that afternoon, not stopping for anyone. I felt like yelling out loud �Let me off this ride I feel dizzy�, but if only that was an option. I was tagged with my hospital band like a prisoner, and transferred over to the ward, were I was shown my bed and my tiny piece of the room for my undecided stay, and I was left alone with my mum to finally take it all in, and to at least start thinking over all the possibilities that could happen in what now seemed the very near future. My mum tried her best to keep my spirits up and keep the atmosphere light and cheery but deep down I just felt like I wanted to be alone to just accept what was going on and wait for the first twinges. After a while mum left to take over her post at HQ, the kids would soon be tired and ready for there tea, and there dad would want to make his 54 mile round trip to see me and how things were going.

He popped his head around the curtain with a silly grin on his face, �Are you awake?� He asked. I opened one eye, and just smiled back as he dropped down to sit on the bed next to me, �So how are you feeling? What have they said?� I replied with the usual �I�m Ok!� And �They are just waiting to see what happens� there was nothing more I could add to it. I went on to tell him of the horrid injections I had under gone and how I would be having my next dose at around 1.30am. All the time I sat there I was still getting that damp feeling, but luckily no pains. All to soon it was time for him to go and for me it had gone too soon, I had all the time alone that I wanted and now all I wanted was company, typical that it should happen this way. I walked the long corridor and down the steps to the outside world for un be known to me would be the last time I would walk in the open air as a expectant mum. The evening air was even for may still slightly chilly to it and I shivered as the electronic doors slid open. I made my goodbyes and goodnights to my husband before he walked off and got lost from sight in the vast expanse of the hospital car park. It was a lonely walk back to the ward, and as night was fast approaching I decided to try and get some sleep before the fast approaching time for my next installment of pain. I pulled my curtains around, nudged my slippers under the bed, and climbed into the crisp clean sheets. The magazines that I had been bought were ok but I just could not take in what was written on the pages. It all seemed like a mass array of blurred pictures and words, other peoples lives that just did not seem to appeal to me at this moment in time, but then why should it I was about to go through something that many people go through but, could never have planned for. I put the pages down and settled down for a good nights sleep, tiredness had crept upon me very quickly and now dreamland was too much an opportunity to let pass me by.

It felt like I had only laid my head on the pillow five minutes before when I was awake again, I lay there in semi darkness trying to figure out what had woken me up. Maybe it was my sub-conscious mind that had done it to get me ready for my night call, I looked at my watch it was 1am. I raised my self up on my elbows and tried to adjust myself to get comfortable; I must have slept funny as I had a now terrible backache. I twisted and turned for about ten minutes before the first signal of why I had truly been woken made it self known. That feeling was unmistakable, it was contractions. It was only faint but there was no mistake here, it was starting and my baby didn�t want to wait to be safe were she was, she was on her way and nothing could stop her now. I buzzed for my midwife, who had been assigned to me when she came on her night shift that evening, she was a lovely personality and I got on with her well. �Did you call?� she smiled when she came in to my little space of sanctuary behind the curtains, �your eager for your injection aren�t you?� I just looked at her and blurted out in one hurried sentence, �It�s started, I�m in labour�. She was calm, thankfully, as I could feel terror setting in thick and fast, my heart racing. She took my notes of the end of the bed and left saying she was going to get a monitor to put me on and see how things were progressing and how baby was. Half an hour I sat there with wires and electrodes on my tummy, along with mild contractions that were now coming every three minutes. It was nice to hear the baby�s heart beat strong and hard beating like a speed train, I knew she was ok so far, and that is all that was important to me. It is strange how contractions can become so intense so quick but within that thirty minutes they had gone from being mild to getting very uncomfortable indeed, and there was still the dreaded injection in my backside to go yet, what fun. What a baby I was, I had tears in my eyes when that second small sharp needle pierced my skin, �please hurry up� I begged. �All done� she replied I turned and rubbed at the already raised and sore area on my leg, and thought never again. The short walk over to the labour ward, gave me no time to think about pain, but as I got shown to my room, the place were my little tiny bundle was to enter this world, I started to get stronger and closer together tightening that seemed to radiate all over my body. I was taken through the procedures and more paper work was filled in before I could really settle down to the hard work that lay ahead. �Has your husband been telephoned Dawn?� the midwife asked, looking blankly at her all I could manage was a single �No�. She searched through the relevant papers attached to my notes and left to give him the news, and to summon him to make his way over to the hospital. I felt I wanted to fight it and to try and hold on to such a tiny life that was not yet ready to make such an appearance, but I as discovered it was to only make it worse and the pain more intense. The relevant calls were made to the Special care baby unit right next door the labour ward to verify that they could indeed take such a small baby and that I would not need to be transferred and to inform them of the impending birth of my special little angel.

He walked through the door with an air of anxiety about him, for him he had seen the three other of his children born, but even he knew deep down how this times it was far different. It was three am, and the labour ward was silent I had just taken another gulp of gas and air, of which I was holding on as if my life depended on it, when it become un bearable even for me the one who has had three children before with hardly no pain killers at all. The contractions were becoming even closer together; pretty soon there would not be a break to them at all, and to say they were stronger was an understatement. I tried the gas and air a few more times with no relief and decided it was time to ask for something more, or beg to be precise. As husbands do, mine as my birth partner took over with conveying my wishes to the staff, who in response thought it best to perform and examination to check that I was not to near to the birth for any type of drugs. I felt such a wimp, and failure I was by now working myself up into a right old state. I could not see for tears as I begged for them to get it over with as they told me the sad news that I was still only three centimeters dilated, it was five am and I had been here for only three hours but already I felt like I wanted to go home. Only five minutes had past, since I had been given the all clear to be given diamorphine injection, yet again in the backside. �Give it about ten minutes Dawn and it will start to kick in,� the sister said, �Then you will soon start feeling a little better.� I closed my eyes and prayed that it would, I had got to the point were I didn�t know if I could go on anymore. I lay on my side as instructed, �Baby prefers it this way.� I was told, her heartbeat dropped every time I lay on my back, and with gas and air still gripped quite firm in one hand and an oxygen mask in the other which I had been breathing from since my contractions had picked up speed, again this was to keep my little girl happy before her grand entrance that seemed would be still some time off. The next ten minutes seemed to go by very fast, one minute I was just lying there holding my husbands hand while he was rubbing my back the next thing it was all action stations the time had arrived, and soon with it would be the arrival of my daughter. �I want to push!� I said with a tone of what must have sounded like pure fear in my voice; I had countless visions in my mind of what she was going to look like. I knew she would be small but what else? Would she look like a baby? Most important would she be ok? �OK Dawn, go right ahead when your ready, we can see baby� This was my cue to get started, and even though I should be enjoying this moment and looking forward to meeting this little bundle of joy I could not help but feel I was not ready, and fear for her too. With one huge push her head was born, I will never forget looking down to see her little wrinkly face, she looked so perfect. �One more Dawn, your doing well.� And at five seventeen am her tiny body slid on to the waiting towel were she was wrapped up like a tiny parcel. As I looked into her eyes they had a glint in them, a kiss on her forehead and she was gone in the blink of an eye. Special care may have only been a short walk down a link corridor but it may as well have been a hundred miles away for me.