Quotes of the Day:
"Come on people! This poetry isn't going to appreciate itself!"
~ Bart Simpson
"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown aside with great force."
~ Dorothy Parker, in a book review
Trying to wrap my brain around:
Beyond Good and Evil ~ Friedrich Nietzsche.
Here it is, 6:47 a.m. I got up insanely early (4:30) so I could finish up a few projects for 2D Design. I thought they'd take forever to finish but so far, one's done, another one needs a few final touches, and one seems to have disappeared altogether. Damn it ~ after I finally got that gray scale to looking right too.
If I had known that it was going to go this quickly, though, I would have slept a few more hours. There's one thing about getting up this early: since the routine is broken, the guards and walls come down and suddenly there are these things floating around my head that I really didn't want to think about.
Like this situation between me and C.M. It has been fubar'd for so long. How can two people be together for so long and know so little about each other? Well, yes, I admit that it seems to be fairly easy when one of the two refuses to talk and withdraws even more when the other tries. I mean, until a few years ago, I didn't know that he wanted kids so badly...and he didn't know that I view kids as one of the closest things to hell.
I'm trying to look at the whole thing 'like an adult.' I guess I keep trying to rationize. I keep thinking about the advice I've gotten in the past: "People change and sometimes the relationships don't survive." Other folks go on and on about how 'good' he is to me, with this house and paying all the bills and whatnot ~ as if money is the most important thing in the world. Don't get me wrong ~ he is a good guy. It's just that despite all his good points, I wish that...I don't know what I wish.
I'm at a point where I need answers but I don't know if he can give them. The last time I tried to talk to him about my feelings and 'us,' he treated me as if I did't have the right to feel the way I do. As if I don't have the right to feel hurt, to feel sad because that was the way that he feels.
This is the point where I forget all the adult bullshit and the questions begin. When and why do I seem to be the bad guy? Why does there even need to be a bad guy? Why have I always been so far down the list, after his work, his students, clients, parents and whatever else comes along? Why is it that when things get bad for him, he expects me to give him emotional support but when things are bad for me, I have to struggle along alone? Does he even know how bad it's been for me? Does he care? Why has it been so easy for him to walk away?
...and the big question (it's an irrational one but there nevertheless): am I so awful that he can't stand to be around me? I just can't help feeling that he wanted that domestic goddess, June Cleaver and got Baba Yaga instead.
Page Copyright 2002 D. Firewolf
