THE
LAW
As my readers will be knowing, in some countries that I have visited with my friend the chicken we have been having problems with the police. This is because the law in some countries is very silly, and is not always the same as the law in Denmark. For an example, in Denmark it is in the law to make love with the animals, but in some other countries for doing this you will be put in the prison. In the prison you can make love to big men with the tatoos and mustaches, but you cannot take a chicken into the prison. And so, to help my friends the readers out, and so that they will not have to go into the prison, I now present my guide to the laws of many countries.
(Legal disclaimer: Dave and the chicken cannot be held responsible for the concequences suffered by anybody foolish enough to rely upon the legal advice that follows. It is, after all, a load of bollocks.)
PART 1: AMERICA
America is very confusing because there are 50 different States, and not all of them are having the same laws. In some States you can have more than one wife, but in some others (mainly those being in the South) it is only legal to marry somebody who is your relative.
In the State of Arizona and in Georgia it is not legal to keep a donkey in the bath tub. This is confusing because in South Carolina it is allowed to your donkey in the bath tub, but it is against the law to keep a horse there, while in Arkansas it is not legal to keep an alligator there. I think that these laws come from an old French law that makes it against the law for a French man to go into a bath tub.
The chicken's favourite State is Miami. In the town of Key West the chickens are considered a protected species. I would be safe there because I always protect my friend the chicken. We always use the condoms. There are many more States where it is safe for the chickens. In Georgia the law says you cannot cut off a chicken's head if it is a Sunday. Fortunately it is allowed to do other things with the chickens on the Sunday... Also you are not allowed to carry the chicken by its feet on the Sunday. In the town of Quitman it is not legal for the chickens to cross the roads. And so who said that the Americans are having no sense of humour! It is also illegal to enter the State of Minnesota with a chicken on top of your head, also a duck. I think it is allowed to enter the State with any other bird on your head, and you may also put the chicken or duck back on top of your head after you have entered the State, or when you are leaving it.
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The chicken's most unfavourite town is Lompoc in California, where it is against the law to own or raise roosters. But the law does not say that you are not allowed to make love to them.
Many American States have laws about mooses. Mooses are strange animals that remind me of the camels, only without the humps. But this does not mean that you cannot be humping them! They are also hornier than the camels!
In Alaska it is illegal to look at the
mooses from an aeroplane. It also illegal to push them out of an
aeroplane, even if they have on a parachute. It is also illegal
to feed the mooses beer or other drinks of alcohol. It cannot be
fun to be moose, especially if he is in a plane that is crashing;
he will not be able to get drunk, and it is very hard for a moose
to get out of the plane on his own.
After the chickens, my favourite animals are still the sheeps. But in America there are things that you are not allowed to do with the sheeps! For example if you are on Hollywood Boulevard you cannot have with you more than 2000 sheeps. I think that even I would find it hard if I tried to make love with 2000 sheeps! And in Montana you cannot be alone with a sheep in your truck, there must be somebody else there also. Why it is permitted only to have group-sex with the sheep I do not know.
Also there are some silly laws about
the bears.In Alsaska it is permitted to shoot the bears, but it
is not permitted to wake one up so that you can take the
photographs of it. But you can shoot it while it is asleep, which
would probably be waking him up, and then you can take the
photograph of him. Before he kills you. In Alabama, bear
wrestling matches are not allowed. It is not clear to me whether
this means that two bears cannot wrestle each other, or whether
the bear cannot wrestle the human. But I think it would be
difficult to put the bear in prison anyway, and I cannot see how
the bear would be having a fair trial. There is no law that says
it is illegal to make love to the bears, but I think that this
would be a dangerous thing to do. Bears do not practice safe sex!
In Florida, it is not legal to make love with a porcupine. I think that this would not be possible anyway as they have so many pricks. In Ohio you may not parade your goose down the main street of the town of McDonald. It is also illegal in Ohio to make drunk a fish. In Baltimore, Maryland it is against the law to take a lion to movies. This makes sense to me as lions never let you do anything on a first date anyway. In Massachusets it is illegal to frighten a pigeon, but as long as you do not frighten it you can still may love to it. Also in Massachusets it is not allowed to have a gorilla in the back seat of your car, although they are allowed to drive the car instead. In Indiana you cannot make a monkey to smoke a cigarette, even after you have made love, and in the town of Zion, Illinois you cannot give a cigar to any household animal, although pipes are permitted. In Chicago you cannot give whiskey to a dog (this is because they prefer vodka) and in Misouri you cannot give the booze to an elephant, which is because it takes too much booze to make an elephant drunk.
In the Oklahoma you are not allowed to have the back legs of farm animals in your boots (although you are still allowed to be pushing them through a hole in the fence). But if I am ever allowed to return to America I will live in the town of Clawson, Michigan where it is allowed for a farmer to make love with his pigs, cows, horses, goats and chickens, although I think it would be difficult to do all of this at the same time.
PART 2:
EVERYWHERE ELSE
Of course, the rest of the world does not have as many silly laws
as they have in America. This is because Americans are stupid.
In France it is illegal to call a pig "Napoleon". But you can give this name to any other animal. In Scotland you may not be drunk in posession of a cow. In Haifa, in Israel, it is illegal to bring a bear to the beach. You can still take them to the movies though. In Indonesia the penalty for masturbation is to have your head cut off. I think that to have your hand cut off would be just as effective. In Australia it is legal to make love with a kangaroo, but only of you are drunk. The kangaroo may be drunk or sober. And finally, in the Lebanon it is legal for a man to make love with any animal, provided it is a female animal.
I hope that you have found my guide to the law to be interesting
and useful. If you have need of any legal advice, please e-mail the chicken who will be able to help you. I must go now
as I have to arrange my next holiday. I am going to the Lebanon.
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