RELEASE DATE: 1984
RATED: R
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
The film begins...um...somewhere...um...sometime in the middle of a barren wasteland. A dark figure (Carradine) strolls through looking for...um...something under a double sun. He is spied on by Jawas (or something that resembles them) and turns the corner to find a place out of fantasy land. Gee that was easy to find. Quickly he finds out the place is rather unfriendly when he sees a woman cut down in front of him by soldiers. Meanwhile, he makes eye contact with a scantily clad woman who is doing some sort of mantra on a balcony.
The guy stares at the soldiers who look a little grumpy. Before any violence happens, an old dude shows up and calls the dark man inside his residence. The old man is named Bludge and is some kind of prelate. I have to admit, I had to look up the word to find out that it means holy man. Why does the plot need him...well the old wise role needed to be filled...just go with it ok...its a rule in this type of movie.
Anyhow, he lays down the town's information which would be as follows...(deep breath)...water is apparently like designer drugs in this town and is constantly guarded (guess humans here don't need it as much)...the town is run by two different leaders who oppose each other...one named Zeg (who has a mirror for a crest) and Bal Caz (who has the Quake symbol as a crest) and both are into making villager's lives miserable...oh one more thing...he notes that the symbol on the dark man's sword is that of some ancient class of warrior that is no longer in existence. Gasp...ok got that...good.
It doesn't take long for the dark man to stir up sh*t. He tells one of Bal Caz's people to watch him and proceeds to slice through a bunch of Zeg's men who are guarding a water well. This causes a water riot and people drink their fill. Bal Caz sends over two fugly/overly giddy douche bag messengers named Blather and Gabble who invite the dark one to Bal Caz's castle. What the hell, might as well tell you Carradine's name in this movie which is Kain. No, not Caine from Kung Fu but Kain the mighty warrior. Whats the difference...um...not sure.
Bal Caz turns out to be a rather fat tub of lard who's best friend is some kind of lizard creature. He invites the dark one to fight for him for a heavy sum. The dark one agrees but immediately over hears Bal Caz talk about murdering him after he fights. Side point, wouldn't it be better to talk about evil plans after Kain leaves...stupid fat f*cker.
Meanwhile across the neighborhood, Zeg finds himself with a new sword made by the scantily clad woman from the beginning. This would be Naja the Sorceress and since the last time we saw her, she has gotten a little more scantily clad. All I can say is, in this planet Macy's and Filene's apparently haven't been built yet for the ladies. Hell, I'd go even as far as to say there are no Victoria's Secrets either. Anyhow, he breaks the sword on a stone and PMS's on Naja about not building him the Sword Of Ura. I imagine this is one step lower than the Sword Of Omen. Naja is tossed into the dungeon and chained up.
The next day bright and early, the two factions meet up with swords pulled. Bal Caz tells Kain to kill off Zeg and his men however Kain refuses because of Bal Caz's plot to kill him after the war. Kain steps out and this gives way to a bunch of lame nonsense in which the two sides scream at each other and don't do much fighting. This is broken up when some dude name Burgo The Slaver shows up with a carriage full of slaves for sale.
Burgo does some business with both sides and Bal Caz gives Burgo's group some poisoned water with Zeg's symbol on the water gourds. Many of Burgo's soldiers die which pisses him off and he vows revenge. Kain witnesses this and pops by Zeg's castle to stir some more sh*t. He informs him, after being pimped more money, of what he played witness to and Zeg demands to see the water gourds. Kain refuses which mildly pisses off Zeg who calls his guards.
Somehow Kain easily eludes all of them and stumbles into a dungeon of sorts. Wouldn't you know it, Naja is chained up. Naughty, naughty. Once again, that was f*cking easy to find. She sees some scar on his hand and notes of a time when she could command and he would obey. Hmmm...bold talk for a girl on the receiving end of a little S&M. The two BS about how Zeg wants the Sword Of Ura and Kain helps her escape. He sends her to Bludge and somehow is able to kidnap Bal Caz's little lizard friend. He brings it back to Zeg who puts aside his hatred for Kain and pays a hefty bounty.
The next day, a rather distraught Bal Caz meets up with Zeg. Zeg demands Bal Caz to leave the village or the lizard guy gets it. However, it seems Bal Caz has an ace in the hole which would be Naja. Turns out Kain set that up as well and the two trade off their house pets. Zeg sends out the captain of his soldiers, Kief to find Kain. Kain hooks up with Bludge who takes him into an underground chamber to hide. While in the chamber they find the bottom of the well which they break open to drain. Once again...that was easy to f*cking find.
Realizing he hasn't been cocky enough, Kain heads back to Zeg to sell his sword to him. The two talk it over while a woman drowns in a tank of water. I guess this would be the hi fi entertainment in the town of Ura. Anyhow Zeg agrees and Kain decides to explore the castle. An inept guard shows him the way to Naja who is being guarded by something called the Protector. Kain fools the guard into thinking Naja has flown the coop and busts her out. He destroys the Protector which is a rather lame looking octopus thingie.
Anyhow, Zeg and his boys arrive to see Naja gone and the Protector dead. Kief finds out from the guard that Kain was responsible for everything which he relays to Zeg. Zeg decides there is only one way to deal with Kain. If you thought a talking lizard guy was odd, try a four breasted exotic dancer assassin. Um...I have no clue where they got that idea. During her routine she stabs him with...and I'm not making this up...what seems to be a back scratcher which comes out of her crotch. I pretty much gave up figuring some stuff out in the movie by this point.
Moving on, Kief and the boys beat the sh*t out of Kain and interrogate him about Naja. After this goes on for a bit, Kief gets word the well is going dry. Kain somehow escapes again and stumbles across Naja. Meanwhile, Zeg finds out first hand that the well has no more water in it. This prompts a war between his men and Bal Caz. However this time, both sides don't pussy out and actually fight.
During the fight, Bal Caz notices the village people (no not the YMCA guys) are staging a revolt. Zeg agrees to a truce with him so the two armies can join. However when the two embrace, Zeg treats Bal Caz to a dagger to the chest. So begins another battle with the townsfolk. Meanwhile in another part of wasteland, Naja is working on making the official Sword Of Ura. Cut back to the battle which has raged into the morning. Burgo arrives to sabotage everything with his new and improved army. Burgo makes a mess of Zeg and takes over the town.
Back to Kain who wakes up to find the Sword Of Ura waiting for him. This baby is light, cuts stone and is all his for the low price of staring in a f*cked up movie. He leads the remaining villagers into to town for a fight against Burgo. Burgo and hisboys get their ass handed to them in a rather uneventful battle. Kief decides to make a stand against Kain but predictably gets his at the end of the battle. This leaves the town in control of the common folk and Kain to disappear off into the double sunset. As for Naja, apparently she is to remain scantily clad and Bludge to remain a bit on the useless side.
The film is a bit f*cked up if you haven't figured it out. It does however have a decent plot and Carradine's character is an amusing sh*t stirrer. Many shades of Asian cinema can be found throughout but as for everything else, I have no f*cking clue where they got their ideas. The film lacks horribly in the gore/action department which would have brought it to another level for me. It may not be the best out of the genre, but its not the worst film to watch for warriors looking to escape the whole burning and pillaging village thing on the weekend.
1.) Four-Play - The quadruple breasted exotic dancer assassin prompts the question, does that mean you have to pay double price for a personal dance?
1.) Bal Caz - This movie proves once again that no matter what universe you're in, fat rich ugly guys get all the chicks.
2.) Zeg and Kief - I had to wonder about these two guys seeing instead of paying attention to the Sorceress, they seemed to take great interest in...a-hem...swords.
3.) Bal Caz's Lizard Friend - Apparently Frogtown is one block over from Ura.
4.) Blather and Gabble - These two ugly bastards laugh at just about everything. An other-wordly form of Beavis and Butthead maybe?
5.) Burgo - Where is Burgle now you ask...starring in Ura's Broadway hit "Death Of A White Slavery Salesman".
6.) The Protector - This creature makes the octopus in Bride Of The Monster seem life like.
THE STEROID TRICK: This misleading feature of many fantasy films pumps up the physical attributes of the leading man to the point of lunacy. I don't know if Carradine was that beefy under his black tunic in this movie but after watching Deathsport, I doubt he was.
Verdict For This Film: GUILTY
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