RELEASE DATE: 1978
RATED: R
REVIEWED BY: The DarkSider
Whats that you say? You want villains...ooooooh boy, have we got one for you. He is a menacing fellow that wears all black who answers to an older shriveled up tyrant. He at one time was part of the rich in wisdom crowd but turned on them. He too wields one of their swords.
Oh wait a minute...whats that you say...some guy named George Lucas did all that sh*t in 1977? Oh I was hoping no one saw that movie Star Wars so you may enjoy this masterpiece. Yep that must have been the pitch...and in all sincerity...I can't believe someone had the balls to make this heaping pile of sh*t.
Well here we go again...another sh*ty movie trying to be impressive. We begin with a lesson about The Neutron Wars which pretty much destroyed everything on earth. Why you may ask...well nuclear war usually gets the blame thats why. Earth has been separated into three different factions...those being;
1.) The Statemen - A bunch of people who live in civilized cities...
2.) The Mutants - A bunch of...well...mutants...
3.) The Range Guides - See also Jedi...it is me or does Range Guide sound like an SUV?
Anyhow right away we get introduced to bad guy Ankar Moor, the Darth Vadar of the film. He is played by Richard Lynch...you know...the guy who kinda looks like Christopher Walken and kinda acts like him. He is out with his troops tracking down a range guide who is to be taken alive. Which range guide would this be...bad movie master David Carradine. He is in a loin cloth trotting along on a horse.
I have to say now I think Carradine is a great actor. He just seems to attract bad scripts and always took the Christopher Lee route staring in anything. Good for him...at least he got paid. I have to ponder this question though; why in almost every pre late 80s role does he appear mostly naked at one point in the movie? Although I may not be the best judge of whether he is sexy or not, I can tell when someone just doesn't look right in a film unclothed. I'm going to defer this question to all straight women and gay men. Maybe someone can let me know down the road.
Carradine plays Kaz Oshay, range guide at your service. He dismounts feeling a disturbance in the force and takes on the statemen. Right away we get introduced to the statemen's so called blaster. It looked a little like a long range zoom camera they use at football games. Anyhow, what these babies lack in style they make up in firepower. They literally disintegrate any target they hit. Thats right folks, no fuss no muss...no bloody entrails to pick up. All yours for staring in a sh*ty movie. And if you order now you get a free saber made out of plexi-glass that whooshes when you shake it at someone.
I think in homage to Thundercats instead of The Sword of Omen, I shall call it the Sword Of Oh-For Christ Sakes. Well shortly after he kills off the statemen on foot with his sword, the death machines arrives. Now with a name like death machine you'd think that this little number had all the right gadgets. Force field, photon torpedoes, oil slick...try again. It really is a dirt bike covered in aluminum foil with decals for a read out and two red light bulbs for phasers. Kaz kills off two of the bikes but gets stunned by another statemen. They haul his ass back to Helix City...Ankar Moor's hometown.
Helix City is a charming place with doors that make noises like...hey go figure...Darth Vadar when they close. Ankar Moor meets with his evil supervisor Zirpola. He is pissed about losing two death machines and speaks of getting a female range guide. Why are they collecting range guides...well to show how they are no match for the mighty death machine. Why do they want to show the death machine's superior handling...well they want the public to be confident when they start a war with near by Triton City. Why do they want to start a war...for fuel or something. Got that...good. The guys also speak of one named Oshay that died at Ankar Moor's hands. Gee I wonder if there is a connection between Kaz Oshay and the Oshay they're talking about...stay tuned.
Cut to a bunch of people fleeing across the desert being led by two female range guides. Lead character and former Playboy Plamate Deneer and soon to be fodder Adriann (YO ARIANN) spot some statemen and tell the group to make a circle. Among the group is Adriann's daughter Tara...yeah she'll be a major time killer later in the movie so don't worry. We also get a glimpse of a guy named Marcus who I will cover in a bit. Anyhow, they face the statemen and after Adrian falls in battle, Deneer finds herself captive. Tara is taken by the mutants who were also stalking the group.
Anyhow, the next day Kaz finds himself captive in a cell. He goes ape sh*t because he is his "own master". I was honestly waiting for him to say "DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM" but that would be too unoriginal for this script. (snicker) He quickly gets zapped by a horrible special effect. He looks to his neighbor across from him and sees it is Deneer. Realizing through the force that she is a guide, the two start bantering in the ridiculous gothic speech that makes up most of their dialog. It sounds like what a ten year old would write as a tribute to Lord Of The Rings. Either that or a really bad game of Dungeons and Dragons.
Meanwhile, Zirpola makes an appointment with his pediatrician. Turns out Dr. Karl finds that his brain is turning into liquid sh*t. Zirpola doesn't believe this and sends Karl to prison. In a "who gives a sh*t" sub plot, we find out Ankar Moor was indeed behind the death of Kaz's mother. Karl finds himself rooming with Kaz for a bit until Marcus (who happens to be Karl's son) busts them out of prison. All goes well until the gang shoots a gas line or something and get knocked out. Ankar Moor has them taken away for punishment...ooooh now they're in big trouble.
Deneer finds herself disrobed and thrown into what I like to call The Temple Of The Oversized Torture Wind Chimes. Its a huge place with rather large cylinder shaped thingies hanging from the ceiling. She wanders around under Zirpola's eyes (get those dollars out asshole) and when he throws a switch the wind chimes zap the sh*t out of Deneer. Meanwhile, Kaz gets flogged by some dude in a disturbing homo-erotic scene. When the two meet again, they find themselves in a cell with Karl and Marcus. Through a miracle of range guide power or something, Deneer heals Kaz while saying more stupid dialog.
We find out the group is destined to compete in death sport. Here are the stipulations...kill and be let go...or...die. Guess the movie figured rules weren't that important. After a few more bad special effects torture scenes, they prepare for battle. Karl and Marcus get black garb while Kaz and Deneer are dressed up in all white. Kind of like that kid who lives on an irrigation farm with his aunt and uncle on Tatooine. Oh and they get fitted with Marvin the Martian helmets.
Let the bullsh*t...I mean games begin. The two run out on to the dirt track and immediately are chased down by the death machines. They run around, slice and dice, sh*t gets blown up and finally they meet up with Karl and Marcus. They escape on death machines when an explosion destroys the force field around the dirt arena. So begins the most slow moving and boring chase scene in movie history.
Ankar Moor leads the bike chase to find the escaped prisoners. Meanwhile...not having anything else better to do, Zirpola watches another naughty dance. This time from some brunette in The Temple Of The Oversized Torture Wind Chimes. Who the f*ck this chick was and what she had to do with the movie other than skin is beyond me. Oh wait...someone how she dragged Zirpola in to The Temple Of The Oversized Torture Wind Chimes when he throws the torture switch thus killing him. Killed by a personal dance...what a way go.
Ankar Moor learns of this and vows to make an example of the guides. They battle here and there and Ankar Moor's men keep taking hits. Needing to kill off 20 minutes, the film sends the good guys on a search and rescue mission for Tara. However before they can begin their search, Karl gets killed off and everyone hides from something called the flashwinds. Not that we actually see what is involved with a flashwind but who gives a sh*t anyhow. During it, Kaz and Deneer find time to do the nasty.
Back to the rescue mission for Tara...who is Tara...scroll up to paragraph number 10 please...waiting...ok got it, good. Deneer learns (after she reviews some earlier movie scenes in her head) that Tara was captured by the mutants. The three head out to some cave and easily get out with Tara who was being held in a cage. Marcus is wounded when he is bitten by one of the mutants. I forgot to mention that the mutants have a poisonous bite...oh f*ck it...not like it mattered in the movie anyhow.
Well all this horsesh*t has to end right. Well I'm happy to say it does finally in the next couple scenes. Deneer, Tara and Marcus head to near by Triton City. No...it isn't run by Jon Mikl Thor by the way. Kaz drives his death machine in to some fuel depot or something. He races in and out of places while they guys chasing him blow up here and there. If you listen real closely during this chase scene, you can hear the sound effect of a Tie Fighter somewhere. I swear I am not lying. Anyhow, finally only one henchman remains with Ankar Moor.
Ankar Moor sends the henchmen away because he has a date with destiny. Who is destiny...Kaz himself. The two duel in a fight that would make two elderly men fighting look like Ali vs Foreman in their prime. Their plexi-glass swords clink and clatter until finally Kaz offs Ankar Moor.
Now...after all these plot rip offs and horrible cliches you wouldn't figure on something so cheesy as the hero riding off in to the sunset on horseback with his loved ones. Um...sorry...it does happen.
I often fantasized about what Star Wars would be without good special effects. I'm assuming this movie would be the end result.
1.) Heading Out - Ankar Moor's head gets lopped off by Kaz. If that were my head, I would make sure I would be smiling seeing I would be leaving the movie.
2.) Burn Out - During the Tara rescue, believe it or not an extra catches fire for real. You can see the fire extinguishers put him out in the scene. You just can't find good non-combustible help nowadays.
1.) Ankar Moor and Zirpola - I just can't find evil characters threatening when their name sounds like a man's cologne.
2.) The Mutants - They have eyes like Kermit The Frog, a voice like Chewbacca, and dress like Tusken Raiders. Seeing this movie stole 90% from Star Wars, I had to wonder if these folks were the bi-products of Luke and Leia's brief love affair during the time between A New Hope and Return Of The Jedi.
3.) Death Machine Riders - I read this in the Helix City want ads the other day in case you're interested;
Wanted
Death Machine Riders, must be able to look like you're going
really fast on a bike doing 25 mph. Also must possess the ability
to put up with bike sounds that resemble The Road Runner, an F-16
and a loud fart at times. No life insurance because death usually is
around every corner. Call Ankar Moor for more details.
