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Ashcroft Coronation To Be Held Today
Ministry of Truth News NOV.12 -- It's official: after weeks of speculation that George W. Bush was unofficially relinquishing the reins of power to his Attorney General, today it was announced that John Ashcroft has officially been handed enough power to make him the true ruler of the free world. The Coronation will be held on Saturday, November 17th. "With the sweeping changes to our legal system the past few weeks, it's obvious that John Ashcroft has the power of a Joseph Stalin at his peak, or worse," stated a scared official from Greenpeace, who wished to remain unanimous for fear of repudiation. "I think we're in a whole hell of a lot of trouble." An official press release from the Justice Department called the concerns over Ashcroft's possible dictatorial powers "... preposterous, outlandish, and totally ridiculous. We have not staged a coup here. We are merely using the tools given to us by the Congress and the President to bring justice to our nation, and to prevent future terrorist atrocities from occurring." The press release also stated that, "Saturday's coronation is merely a symbolic gesture for the American people, so they know who to hold accountable for the prosecution of terrorists." According to sources from inside the White House, George W. Bush' will be relegated to "speech-giving." Reports indicate that "The cabinet has lost faith in Bush ... his amazing ability to focus on a small, minute detail, without having the perspective to see the bigger picture ... is beyond frustrating, and needs to change.... At least Ashcroft makes a gut choice, and goes with it. George W. will deliberate and come up with strange angles and questions that, quite simply, make no sense." Tom Ridge, apparently, has also been unofficially demoted. "We all know that Tom is George's buddy ... he'll keep George calm while the real man [Ashcroft] takes charge." The Pentagon has been eerily silent on the matter of Ashcroft's symbolic coronation. Worldwide, leaders who wished to remain anonymous expressed relief at the impending "New United Kingdom". "We are all quite happy to be rid of that reformer [Bush]," stated one Foreign Minister. "He was giving us all quite a headache. Maybe now we can accomplish something." According to CNN, Osama bin Laden and the Taliban had no comment on Ashcroft's rise to power. |
