King Ashcroft orders FBI to "C.Y.A."

May 30 -- FBI Director Robert Moeller, under strict orders from His Royal Highness, announced that Minneapolis agents followed proper procedure last year when they requested a search warrant for Zackarias Moussaui, the 20th hijacker of the September 11th tragedies.

"We just want everyone to know -- we did everything by the book," said Moeller, after meeting with King Ashcroft. "We couldn't have done anything more."

The King, through Royal Decree, has also granted FBI agents new privileges, such as being able to use Google, Dog Pile, and other internet search engines. Sources within the Royal Court are saying that by allowing the FBI the same privileges as the common man, terrorists can be captured before committing atrocities.

"It's Precrime," stated Prime Minister Bush during a news conference. "It's like that new Tom Cruise movie [Minority Report] ... my wife and I got to see it yesterday. When you see that movie, you'll know where we're headed. We will stop terrorism before it happens."

Insiders also noted that Ashcroft is attempting to acquire "new, deadly technologies" from off-world traders to help eliminate terrorism on Earth.