mY tHOUGHTS!!!
hmm.. wouldnt it be great.. if we, as a society ( here we go.. ) didnt just automatically assume dat all people were straight? i suppose dat would work for assuming all people are gay aswell ( but be honest, i mean how many people do you know think DAT!! ), but if we meet someone, who seems straight.. we just assume dat they are straight!!
so what..?! well.. what if they aint.. what if theyre gay?! youre talking to a fellow queer, but neither of you know it!! you dun bring up da subject cos youve already labelled this guy straight.
so.. what if you fancy this guy.. are you gonna flirt wif him?! you MUST be joking.. he seems straight..
maybe you dun agree wif me. but do i care?! maybe its different in gay bars, where you know dat da guy or girl is gay. but hey, im only 15. i havent been in a gay bar... dot dot dot
maybe da assuming thing aint da problem. rite. so im in school.. and sitting opposite me is toby, mr extremely cute. im completely IN LOVE wif this guy. ok, so ive already decided hes gay. weve caught each others eyes heaps of times, and what i REALLY wanna do is kiss him. but first things first.. i gotta talk to him rite?! but do i? nope. why not? cos im SHIT scared!! what if hes straight?! what if he doesnt like me?! what if im imagining it?! what if...?! so then maybe confidence is da problem. should i have just gone for it?!
so.. who am i out to?! well.. hmm.
s. hes probably my best mate. ive known him for ever, and i think dat i know him pretty well. da thing is, we dun really talk.. so i came out to him in this email. he came up wif this "elaborate story" about his mail server being dodgy, and dat he never received it, when i knew he had. months passed before he even acknowledged it, and then only cos da situation (long story) meant he didnt even have a choice. but strangely enuf, he was cool wif it.
c, jj, and k. c was my best friend, now ex-friend altogether, not completely unrelated to my coming out. but he still says hes cool wif it. he was da first guy i told. jj, his lil bro found out too, and he was cool wif it. he told his mate k, who was also cool wif it. oh yeah, and c told some of his mates too.
nivea / cleo bachelor of da year!! hes a dolphin trainer you see.. ( uh huh.. )
so i guess dat goes to show, dat most of da people i know dun even mind!! but when i first came out to c, i was soo scared of what he mite say, or think. i can see now that i was being maybe a lil bit irrational. but still, you cant prevent paranoia. also dats why i didnt want anyone else to know.. i was just too scared. now i dun even know who knows im gay. dat was my worst nitemare.
i dun have da guts to tell people i meet, and dat could be da problem, but then again, i dun really care about what people think cos yeah, word gets around. i cant control who finds out, so why should i even worry about it.
maybe dats one big contradiction. and maybe all my opinions will change if things get difficult. maybe im niave!! maybe all i really want is a boyfriend. maybe dats too much to ask.
this problem i keep referring to.. what is it?! da problem is.. confidence shouldnt be a requirement for being who you want to be, being who you are. if i had more confidence, id probably be out to everyone rite now. and either thru school, or a youth project, id probably have a boyfriend by now. maybe this whole thing has more to do wif confidence, and da person you are, than wif sexuality.
tAG mY gUESTbOOK!!
vIEW mY
gUESTBOOK!!
pICS oF mE aND mY mATES pART i