cOMING oUT.. aGAIN, AND aGAIN, aND aGAIN!!
the thing is, its not a one off thing, coming out. i mean, once da explosion has reached a certain stage, and all of your mates ( and enemies for dat matter ) know about your sexuality, and your gay website into da bargain, it begins to get complicated.
it really does feel as if da world knows everything, as if dere isnt a soul on da planet who couldnt avoid da gossip. i fully believe dat thru da grapevine, da new people i was meeting already knew, and it was a shock when i realised dat id have to come out, again. as it happened, this time i didnt need to, because someone else already did it for me - by accident, of course (ie chloe, when first meeting simon)
so im not assuming people know anymore. but how do you know whos heard what? you dun.. ive discovered. and another gd thing, since i cant rely on others to keep me out ( gd thing, - i dun wanna be introduced as "ants - hes gay" ), when do i tell people?! or do i simply not? no.. dat defeats da point of being out. supposing i got to know someone wifout telling them dat im gay.. it would become a burden - da same burden it was before.
so then when? dun tell me.. were back to da "when da time is rite". dats b/s!! da rite time, wif da best conditions rarely comes!! however, all this analysis and consideration goes straight out da window as soon as you get drunk and lose your senses - suppose dats da one and only time its ever easy to say "i like dat guy - see - da one over dere, i wanna f* him".
one thing im forgetting about though, is confidence. it wasnt dat difficult really to cope wif everyone finding out in da big bang, once i was over da initial insecurity(* look below for an analysis bout this), but then youre back to coming out again, and dat still needs confidence. and i dun really have enuf - because i dun think da paranoia ever goes away!! i would mention da booze again at this point, but i dun really want to be seen to be encouraging gay guys wif alcohol..
is it one great big circle? coming out.. followed by an explosion, which dies out, needing you to come out again to da next group? maybe.. maybe not - deres always a million other things involved. and da explosion probably doesnt die out at all does it. deres always gonna be someone who 'just found out.
surely though, da whole staying out bit is easier than dat first coming out bit. maybe it will get easier, and eventually ill really truely not dare what people think, and staying out wont be a problem. maybe in da future it wont be as much of a bombshell anyway, and itll be really easy to just slip into conversation "oh, and im gay".
( * about it being easy to cope wif everyone knowing, after da initial insecurity. id like to say dat i was out to a few select people (the same ones as i talked about before) for over 6 months before this 'explosion' and i was aware dat increasing numbers knew - so i had time to come to terms wif da fact dat i wasnt in control anymore. but da day i was told EVERYONE knew, was the day i cried. i had this immense feeling of being over-exposed, and 'in too deep' and i for da next 48 hours really believed my life was going to be a living hell from then on. but it wasnt, and i got over it. things are never as bad as they first seem.)
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