The first time I ever opened myself up to the world of the internet was when I wrote my original "about me " page. On that page I wrote "I figured out that life is really that way: To care about someone means that, not only do you love him, but you also worry about him. So I longed to be and yet to have; I longed to love and be loved. And I think that is all I ever really wanted." I think that I knew from the beginning exactly what that meant, but I guess it didn't entirely sink in yet because I still desperately sought after an answer to my attractions.

Since I was 12 years old, I have been attracted to boys in an emotional way (crushes/faces) as well as a physical way (hormonal/body). Since that seems to be a common age for attractions to start, I've often wondered if I was born this way; if I was predestined to have this attraction in the same way that I was predestined to grow and change. But, whether or not I was born this way doesn't help answer my questions at all. What I wanted to know all along is WHY I am this way and, contrary to popular belief, genetics doesn't answer a philosophical or an emotional question. To answer the question, I have to look at myself and my attractions as they are now.

When I look at a boy I'm attracted to, I feel two things. I feel that I want to be with him, but I also feel that I want to be him. Both are longings and intense feelings. What I didn't realize, or rather, what I didn't accept until recently was that I not only feel this duality toward younger boys, but also the boys my own age that I'm attracted to. Basically, I want to become my attraction.

I'm attracted to boys because I want to be them and I want to be them because I'm attracted to them. I'm not attracted to men because I don't want to become a man. I'm not attracted to girls because I don't want to be a girl. It's like someone who wants to have children because they want to be a child. I want to be and to have...

The first boy I was ever attracted to in a real physical way wore shorts all the time. I've since had a thing for legs and the surfer look, etc. I've also tried to become my attraction, making myself into exactly what I want to be and to have.

If I were to get into a really boring psychological mood, I'd say that I felt like I needed to be attractive in order to be loved and that to be loved was all I ever really wanted (just like I said on my about me page), which implies that I feel unloved and am unhappy with my appearance. Of course, I'd never put it that way. I'd say this instead: We are attracted to things and people and so we want to have them (because they are nice to look at or be around or whatever). When it comes to people, how can you be closer to anyone than by being that person? When you love someone, they become an extension of yourself. An attraction (not necessarily a physical one) is like that first spark that gets things in motion and can become a crush which could become love. An attraction just means you want to be around something (or maybe just look at it!). I'm not going to get all psychological and talk about the love of self and the inner child and all that. Instead, I'll just say that I am attracted to attractive boys. I'm attracted to JTT and so are a ton of other people, so what does that say? He's attractive! It doesn't really have much to do with me except that I can see what all those other people also see. I want to be attractive and I want to be a boy. So, why is it so strange that I notice attractive boys?

My mind has become sensitized to certain colors and also certain words that get my attention very easily, even when I'm not paying attention (like my name!). Whenever I hear the name Jonathan Taylor Thomas, I suddenly pay attention even though I'm not listening or really looking for him anymore. My senses are just trained to become very alert when they encounter certain things. In the same way, when I see an attractive boy, my senses peak and I pay attention.

What was always the line of my understanding was the whole hormone thing. I mean, I could easily explain away my harmless attraction to boys with all that emotional stuff and to be and to have and this and that, but hormones always seemed to be the line until recently. You see, a hormonal reaction is just like any other chemical or sensory reaction. Just like the rest of my body, my hormones can be trained to peak at the detection of something (like a sight, sound or even idea). I do remember fairly clearly that my hormonal reactions started after my emotional reactions began. I'm attracted to boys because I want to be them and I want to be them because I'm attracted to them. I want to be and to have.

Now, I can't seem to figure out how this could apply to anyone attracted to girls too (except for the whole girls keeping their youth and beauty longer thing). Well, I'll work on that. In the mean time, please email me your thoughts. Thanks.