I tend to have a weak and timid personality. While I'm open in my thoughts, I'm quite different in real life. People are often very different once you get to know them. In real life, it's hard to get to know me. I'm shy and often overly quiet. I will admit that I'm far more open now than before I met Joey, but I'm still too often the same in one key area: I still lie. In fact, I lie to the point of not being who I am. You see, all too often, it's easier to lie than to tell the truth. The truth is long and complicated sometimes and it's easier just to tell someone what they want or expect to hear. For example:

"Don't lie," the mother pleads. "I won't get mad. Just tell me the truth."
"No, I didn't do it," the son replies.
"All I want you to do is tell me what really happened."
"I told you already!"
"I just want you to tell me the truth."

No, the mother is only prepared for one answer. She doesn't really want the truth. If the boy is really stubborn, however, he may eventually convince her (unless he inherited his stubbornness from her). But, if he's like me, he'll give up. Even if it means a punishment for something I didn't do, it beats arguing. In the same way, when someone asks, "How are you today?", it's easier to just say "fine" even if you feel awful. One, it would lead into a conversation and, two, they're gone by the time you say "fine" anyway. They don't really care about your answer. They're just being polite. So, why not lie?

Being shy is a real problem. I don't want to stand around gossiping with long conversations, so I tell people what they expect to hear. Yet, in trying to fulfill people's expectations, I can be swept away and go too far. I can become someone i'm not. People make assumptions and by giving into those false assumptions, I avoid rocking the boat, but I risk drowning. I like things and people I'm not supposed to like and I don't like things and people I'm supposed to like. I'm not normal, but normal is so much easier. When you're normal, you are what people expect you to be and not much more. But, sometimes the lie can get me in trouble. That's where you either tell the truth or get in over your head. I'm not attracted to girls, but I can fake it if I need to. I don't like sports, but I can pretend. I like boys, puppies, and bright colors, but I can hide my feelings. In fact, I spend so much time hiding who I really am from the world and pretending to be what I'm not, that I sometimes forget who I really am. It's easier writing out my feelings, but still, before I had Joey to be myself around, I was literally going insane! Perhaps it was just a natural part of being a White teenager, but perhaps it was the pressure of being someone I wasn't.

I'm a complex, introspective person, as you may or may not be able to tell. I'm very serious at times. When offered a prize at Chuck-E-Cheese's when I was eight, I wanted the pen (to write), but chose the stuffed animal because that's what my grandmother wanted me to have (she felt it was better than "just a little pen"). I wanted her to be happy and fulfill her expectations. That's another aspect of not wanting to rock the boat: wanting to keep everyone happy and calm. I hate conflicts or anger.

Yet, the most dangerous self-lie is that of living up to people's expectations of you. It's great when you have goals for yourself and other people support your dreams. It's quite the opposite when those people have different dreams for you and you pursue their dreams over your own to make them happy. For example, a man might want his son to follow in his footsteps, but the son wants to escape a life of monotony. You see, we all need to pursue our own paths. Choosing a different path than one which someone else sees for us may seem like it will crush their belief in you. You may think that you have to break someone's heart because you're different. It's hard when you have a timid personality to find confidence in yourself. It's so easy to live a life of monotony, just bending every which way to other people's will. Yet, if we stop and just listen, we can tune out all the noises of the world and of ourselves. Only then will we be able to hear what God wants for us and who we are really meant to be.

I know the need to be someone else firsthand. Just today, I was reminded of something I used to do all the time but don't often now that I'm in college. Two teenagers commented that I don't drive (and even they drive). I instinctively acted as casual as I could, like I didn't care. If I acted as nervous as I felt--if I were true to my feelings--I could become an easy target. I learned long ago that the quiet, nerdy ones are always the victims. For survival in many parts of life, I've leaned to not be myself. Really, I'd love to go on about how you need to be yourself, but I know I'd be a hypocrite and that would be just another act and yet another lie. I can't ask you to do something I've been unable to do. All I can say is to always remember who you are. It's that unique individual that you are trying to protect when you hide your feelings or lie about those feelings. Some truths most people just aren't ready to hear. Many people--especially parents--just ask too many questions that they don't really want to know the answer to. It's easy to blame other people for making me lie, but it was always my choice; the weaker choice. I wouldn't be so afraid if I didn't see people suddenly "loose" their love for someone or even learn to hate them simply because they find out that they're different. The hardest part is remembering, through all the pressures and all the lies just to appease, who you really are without those people. You may care deeply about what they think of you, but, in the end, the only constants in your life are you and God. And God knows who you really are. Just pray that you do to.

An afterthought (Jan 19):
Is it better to have the world hate you and be true to God, or to have the world love you and be unfaithful?

Other thoughts on this topic:
"Coming Out"
The Christian Liar