Memories

I wrote this to my children, when one of them was 17 and needed my permission to get married. That decision was not an easy one for me. I knew it wasn't the right thing to do, but, you know how 17 yr olds are, thinking they know what they want. That was back in March of 2000. He is now waiting on a divorce from that girl..Whew!!! I am adding this to my site because he is on his last days of freedom. He is going to be spending some time in prison real soon, and once again, I feel that I need to share this with more than family.

To quote The Official Dikki Barnes Website: "Now is a good time to reflect back on the past and look ahead to the future."

I don't know why I chose now to share a few memories...Maybe it's the fact that my kids are moving on with their lives and I can't say no you can't do this or that, or yes you can. My kids and I have a lot of memories, as I'm sure you all do to. However, I can't share those memories with you all. Maybe not share is the word I'm looking for, maybe it's I wasn't there at the time is what I should or will say. I can hear or read the memories you all have. Anyway, I'm going to share with you all a few of my memories. It may get boring or whatever, you may not be interested.

Let's see, Kristin, geez, we did this one time when I had a video cam going. We went down memory lane, you remembered some and I remembered some. You had a good life, I know I wouldn't let you do a lot of things and you didn't like me very well for that. Oh if i could add a home movie of this time. I do have one or I guess I should say you do at your dad's and he won't let me have it. Oh well, that is beside the point. You went on with your cheerleading and you did well. I took that away from you one time when I said I wouldn't, but you did do it again at Mexico High. I was and am so proud of you. You did well, at the tryouts when you first got to Mexico, not knowing any one but Kaleb. He helped you a lot. When you thought you were pregnant and didn't think you could share that with me, but you should have believed in a mother's love, that I wouldn't and couldn't turn my back on you. I thought we had that kind of relationship. Yes, maybe if I had still been with your dad I would or might have blown up, but that's what he did to me. You should know how much Dick has changed my way of thinking and feelings. The way I was a long time ago, before I got married the first time and had kids of my own. My gosh, this is the 90's and I understand how things are. It's not something I liked, but you and the baby are my flesh and blood. Can't turn my back on that, those feelings. It's similar to the 70's. People were getting that way all the time, it was more hush hush back then, tho and if the father of the baby didn't do "the right thing", then the parents did and shame on him. The baby booming yrs.. Just like 90's. So many unmarried girls with kids that didn't get a chance to fulfill their own dreams of getting an education or whatever their dream was. I don't think your dream is or was to live with your boyfriend and his parents. Yes, I can understand you wanting to get out on your own, and when you thought you were pregnant, and you could accept the responsibilty of being on your own. Then you turned and ran to your dad, thinking he would let you come and go as you please. When that didn't work, you decided to move in with Veazey and His parents. You're not happy there. I hope you and the rest of my kids know, they do and always will have a home to come to. A Home that IS filled with love, unconditional love. One that has no expectations, one that understands how you feel and is willing to talk about it. Because We've been there done that. Not all but, most of it. Got into this too deep, or deeper than I wanted.

Memories, you getting ready for tryouts, both cheerleading and volleyball. You did good with volleyball, One of my favorite games. Love playing that game..not any good, but like playing it. You've tried cooking, but could care less about it. Didn't really want to try it or do it. The microwave, that's you're style of cooking. Not slaving over a stove. If the micro works thats where your food goes, right? Remember the tire swing? That was one I hadn't seen before. The ones I had seen was just a tire tied to a tree. This one had handles, I even enjoyed it. LOL...

Zachery, well, we have had our ups and downs over the years. More downs than ups. Your too much like me and from what people say thats why we don't get along. Both hard headed and head strong. You do have pretty eyes, not sure where you got them, but they are. You reminded me of something the other day, when you said you finally believed me on that. I guess you were saying that Lisa told you they were pretty too. I remembered that day when you told me you did guess I was right, but when you were younger, when I would get onto you, then you would look up at me with puppy dog eyes. They were and are cute. I have given you your freedom from me and your dad, not sure if it is or was the right thing to do, but only time will tell. you are going to make your own memories, and I hope and pray that you don't and won't make me regret my decision. I don't know if I believe the reason you gave me, but I guess time will tell and heal ALL wounds. I know you do care about people in your own way. You have trouble with the Christmas thing, I know. But one year, you dressed up like Santa Claus and that was so cute. We were all kinda bored and you went and got your red sweats on, a torn up pillow and had a blast. Everyone got a thrill out of it. Then a year ago X-mas (98) you surprised me by coming down and doing the Santa thing again. See those little things that you do, like making a movie for me of you kids, making me a big pic of small pics of you all and me. (THANKS!! I will cherish those things and all the other ones that I haven't mentioned. In all reality there is more, but can't name them all. The sentimental ones. Those are the ones that do get cherished and I can't return for something else. LOL

Joseph Michael. My how you have grown. You had chicken pox when you were 2 months old and you told me you remembered that. You didn't have any problems with them, they didn't bother you or anything. Glad you got them when you were so young. That's one thing you can blame on your brother and sister. LOL. and not get in trouble for blaming them for that. Your a lot like your dad, my gosh tho, you better not grow up to be Just like him. This world is not big enuf for you both. One Mike is all we need. I do think as you get older, you will be your on person and that you will think differently about things. I've seen the change in you starting, sort of. You do care about the life I have now. Just like when I go on one of my rampages, you try and get me to stop, by blowing your trombone really loud. Which by the way, you are doing a Great job with it, I hope you keep goin on with it. I didn't think you would be interested in the band, but it is a great and good experience for you or any one for that matter. That's what your step-dad started out with. Just think you may follow in his footsteps and be the Next "Dikki Barnes"...HeHeHeHe. Musically wise..lol..By the way, you have long ways to go before you are grown-up.

JuSu..my little girl..you are 9 yrs old right now, please don't try growing up any faster. Life goes by fast enuf as it is and you all try growing faster. Slow down and don't rush it. I was older when you were born and think I learned from raising the others or thought I had. You are going to the same school I went to and hope that you continue the way you are. You have those little caring things about you like Zach. Your young, but yet you know so many things. Even tho somethings go in one ear and right other the other. You get mad at me like the others, when I say no, but in the end you know that I am right, or at least I think you understand what I say or why I say no. To many bad things are happening in this world today, and I am afraid that if you don't learn the meaning of yes and no, as you grow older you will not be your own person. The person I know you are. Don't imitate others, act like them or whatever. Also and I quote again from Dikki Barnes, "innovate not imitate." Innovate means: Create instead of imitate, make your own person. Like Be-Be and Bok. Remember them? I'm sure you can bring them back as you did once before. Ask yourself what would they do in a situation. You carried them with you for so long. I remember you talking about them and to them.

I think I have carried on long enuf, and I think this is as much about memories as well as I how I feel now. Each one of my kids or you kids have good qualities and I feel for the most part you all have good heads on your shoulders. Why shouldn't you, You are My kids. You all share that with me and I wouldn't trade any of you for the world. I think I would be lost without you all in it. I wouldn't have to worry about signing my kids life away if you weren't here.

Suzi, we have some memories don't we. Remember we smoked cigars one time?? I think we both had had to much to drink and Mike and Steve were smoking them and we thought we would too. The partying at Lake San Lyn. Good times we had. We have shared some bad times as well, but most were good. Won't ever forget the time I came to your house and Dick was there and you asked him if he was going to say hi. Yeppers he did, but it was like, "Hi" and off he went. That's all he said. I thought geez, what a jerk. I know, he had others things going and I thought, oh well, doesn't want to be bothered with another possible "fan". The meZmer concert at Blackmore's lake, or one of them any way. Not sure which concert it was. Then there was the Wilson Park concert. Boy, did I get messed up that day. Man, I finally had to do something about my mouthing. Had to chill out. And I did. Didn't hear the band play. LOL

And then there is Dick, my beloved hubby, or should I say hubie..LOL..a little inside joke there. We have started some memories. I won't ever forget "The Blue House". Our real first home. One that all the kids have visited. The bar-b-q with all the kids and Onion. It took a while for the pork chops, but when we finally ate them, they were good. The night I asked you to marry me. Yes, that was the way it was. I figured if I waited for you to say anything or ask me, I would be waiting another 20 + yrs. That's another little inside joke. Then there were times when I waited and waited for you to pick me up. Actually there weren't that many. Yes, we've had our arguments, but, who hasn't. I treasure every minute we have together and if you had paid attention 20 yrs ago, we may not be together today. I'll never forget our wedding day. I felt so special that day. I looked special if I do say so myself. I was happy that day, did pretty good, didn't shed a tear. I think that was because I was to stressed to feel anything, except how happy I was. In the past months you have seen many a tear drop fall. Good ones, bad ones, and upset ones. But you being there, made up for some of those not to good ones. Thank you Dikki Barnes for being in my life today. Thank you Suzi and Mike O'Connor for introducing me and him.

Suzi, Kristin, Zachery, Joseph, Julie, Holly, Abby, and Richi. I really love Dick and want him there for me and you guys for a long time. He is the kind of person, I would want for my daughters to marry or find any way. One that is responsible for his actions and can accept that responsibilty. For a man to take on 4 kids, plus his own should speak for itself. One that puts up with me and my moodiness, is some kind of special guy don't you think? I hope, which I'm sure you do know how special a guy he is. He has been there for me, when I really didn't think I had a friend in the world. Thanks again, Dick, my wonderful husband. I hope there is many, many years of memories.

I guess, I need to quit. This ended up being more than I thought it would. Some things were too deep and maybe shouldn't have been put in here. But I say things better in writing or in this case, typing..lol

Take care all, I hope things will turn out right in the end.

This is an update..Kristin is out on her own with her boyfriend. They aren't married, but , guess it doesn't matter. She is using the stove now I think. Joseph is playing the guitar as well as the trombone. He has his own band. They aren't playing anywhere, except for our garage. He got the guitar for XMas last year and has come along way on it. He can play some Lynyrd Skynyrd and Ted Nugent, just to mention a few. Julie is still Julie, she isn't really doing anything, except for playing in the school band. She is in 5th grade, so she is just starting out.

I hope you have enjoyed this, I have had laughs as well as tears with this. Things Will turn out right in the end.

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