Friday, 16th May 2003, 14:30   ..Letter from jonathan..

I've written to him for 2 years.. in this 2 years.. I've cried myself to sleep.. and then learnt to let him go.. to ask him of nothing more than asking him to be happy.. to let me help him.. I wished he would write back.. just a letter.. telling me how he's doing.. today.. i got my wish.. i stared at the boyish handwriting on the letter front.. His chinese name was written on the back.. it didn't hit me.. and then i realised its the letter i'd been pining for.. "Time is getting slower as I near my release.." i really wished i could take away all his pain.. how could my Angel be in a place like that? how could they take my Angel away from me? This wish that i made for over 2 years.. to receive a reply.. I was delirious.. screaming into Joel's ears about his reply.. but somehow.. i'm feeling mixed up.. why? i'm trying to tell myself.. not to look into it further.. i think too much.. he wants to give our friendship a 2nd chance.. I've got my wish.. why am i reading between lines for more? I'm trying to be content.. maybe i'm just not ready to be his friend.. to not ask if there could be more.. but i didn't ask.. I still can't believe he wrote.. I've read his letters over and over again.. the only thing that i can hold that is his.. can't wait to see him again.. but i'm afraid too.. somehow.. i'm hoping that there would be nothing.. i can't bear to lose him ever again.. when there's no hope, there's no pain.. if there's nothing left but friendship.. then everything would be fine always.. wouldn't it? we'd always be together and i can always watch after him.. if we're more than that.. then the end will come.. i don't want the end to come.. if nothing happens.. he can take me as a friend.. i wanna be there for him.. every step of the way.. Loving him taught me what true love is.. not wanting the person to be with u.. but wanting him to be happy.. He asked me if there was anyway he could repay me.. i just wish he would keep his head above water.. find the sand beneath his feet.. and finally reach the shore.. such a simple wish.. a wish that i would beg God to make come true.. in exchange of being together with him.. I can take the pain.. the emptiness.. let life's curse be upon me.. and i will walk away in silence.. God.. just keep him safe in your hands...

The Distance - Evan & Jaron

The sky has lost it's color 
The sun has turned to grey 
At least that's how it feels to me 
Whenever you're away 

I crawl up in the corner 
As I watch the minutes pass 
Each one brings me closer to 
The time when you'll be back 
You're coming back 

I can't take the distance 
I can't take the miles 
I can't take the time 
Until the next time I see you smile 
I can't take the distance 
And I'm not ashamed 
That I can't take a breath without saying your name 
I can brave a hurricane 
And still be standing tall when all the dust has settled down 
But I can't take the distance 

I still believe in feelings 
But sometimes I feel too much 
I make believe you're close to me 
But it ain't close enough 
Not nearly close enough

Thursday, 22nd May 2003, 06:11 am    ..Simple Life

I've just heard some things which maybe i didn't wanna hear.. suddenly i'm thrown back into dep.. i just wanna be who i am.. i wanna walk with my head held high.. not having to be afraid of each step i take.. dun have to worry if the steps i took would lead me into someone's trap.. i just want a simple life.. i'd give anything to go back to the days when everything was simple.. i just want a simple life.. why issit so complicated? Why is something so simple so difficult to achieve? Just wanna lie in my parents' arms forever.. i just want a simple life... 

Tuesday, 2nd June 2003, 17:00    Guinea Pig Rescue

Sent SPCA an email for help regarding setting up of a Animal rescue mainly for GP that and they called me up just now.. with lotsa advises and offered to help.. HRSS even offered to send me a copy of their paperworks to get a society registered.. *sigh* this is what i love about animal people.. always so willing and ready to help.. so have to keep my fingers crossed and hopefully all will turn out well.. :)

Saturday, 6th June 2003, 11:00 am    Finding Pixie

After searching for 4 mths.. i've finally found a cavy of the same colour as Petrie.. and so Pixie was added to the family.. he's really tiny.. about 3 1/2" really cute!! Petrie adores it.. Pixie thinks Petrie's its mum.. and kept looking for milk.. i think Pixie nibbed Petrie's nipples.. and it "eeked" but they're getting along very well.. they sleep together and Pixie follows Petrie around like the game "Follow" the leader! Guess I'll have to build a bigger cage in a month or two.. 

Friday, 13th June 2003, 4:30 am  Abandoned Rabbits... Abandoned Dreams

Went to view my friend's imported GPs... when i was going home.. i spotted a cat in the carpark.. then 2..3..4.. then i realised that they weren't cats.. but rabbits!! They've been abandoned there for a month or 2.. I tried chasing them for a while.. then taking little steps towards it.. until i squat down and extended my hand.. talking to them.. they actually came to me.. they're home now.. just bathe them and sprayed them with mite spray.. How could people just abandon them in the carpark? it's lucky that they weren't ran over.. one of them got cuts on his face and body.. i fed them carrots.. and watching them devour the carrots as if they've never seen a carrot in their entire lives.. my heart just broke.. why are people so cruel?! 

Somehow, taking care of these animals i feel a sense of peace and happiness.. yet i could taste the emptiness burning in my heart... I want to throw my whole life into helping animals.. to do something more for them.. really wish i could go overseas to do a degree in vet or marine bio.. but that dream looks so far away.. how can something that feels so right be so complicatedly wrong?

People tell me that its just a phase i'm going thru... that was 12 years ago... i wake up every morning.. and feel it calling me.. everyday a part of me dies.. as i silence the dream within me..  

Saturday, 21st June 2003, 2:30 am     Bleed in your betrayal

Dear Aunt Carol,

You held on to my hand so tight.. i could see the pain in your eyes.. Did you see the pain in mine? The struggle i went thru just to say goodbye to you? I watched your face tremble.. the eyes that i looked into as i grew up.. how could u have done wat you did to my family because of him? because of money? no..  i know you wouldn't do this because of money..  but because of ur love for him.. how could i fault you for loving him with ur heart and soul? As i held u in my arms.. i had to turn and walk away.. didn't want you to see the tears in my eyes.. not the hatred in my heart.. but the anguish and pain in me.. i spent the night searching for the two cousins that grew up with me.. people asked why i was looking for them.. how could i explain without shame that they were my cousins..  i remembered the games we used to play in the office.. the things you bought me.. the times i stayed in your place.. why have we come to such a pathetic state? but in the broken remains of my heart.. you will always still be my Mei mei ah kou.. do you ever think of me? 

                 Poem for Aunt Carol

Sunday, 22nd June 2003, 2:00am     I'm With You..

Went out with Gerard today.. haven't seen him in 6 years.. we went to Angus Steak House to eat.. luckily i remembered my social etiquette classes frm MG.. from outside to inside.. luckily i didn't eat with a wrong fork.. it was really wonderful.. thou i wished we'd gone dutch.. had coffee and a long talk by the sea.. haven't had someone to really talk to in a long while.. someone who didn't have too much of their own problems  to listen to my troubles .. in a short week we've become really close.. he's been a real buddy! being with him.. feels like i'm being taken care of.. for a change.. that i dun have to be strong.. i don't have to be the sensible one.. dun hafta be the mother and the sane one and the pillar and advisor..  somehow.. it makes me feel like there's a God somewhere somehow.. it was by chance i'd met him on icq again after 6 years.. and just b4 i met my aunt.. like sending me an angel knowing that i'll be zanged soon.. realli hope that we'll always be buddies! yet  somehow being with him.. i feel a little jaded.. i know.. but i can't help it.. sumtimes i slip.. then i've gotta remind myself to be proud of where i've come to today.. it wasn't easy but i've made it so far on my own.. i'm kinda cynical and depressed again.. maybe i just didn't notice myself slipping cos i'd been drowning myself with work and stuff.. feeling really messed up.. i think i shouldn't think so much.. cos when i'm with others.. i seem like the craziest, happiest, most contented and wackiest person on earth.. really tired.. physically and emotionally tired.. and spiritually too? I hate tears.. keeping them in me feels a little better but when they fall.. feels all empty inside.. my best buddy.. yet its a buddy i wish i could lose forever... 

I'm With You - Avril Lavigne

I'm Standing on a bridge
I'm waitin in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
Theres nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but theres no sound

I'm looking for a place
searching for a face
is anybody here i know
cause nothings going right
and everything's a mess
and no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
but I... I'm with you

Monday, 23rd June 2003, 4:30 am     Messed up.. trippin.. brokeness

Dear Mei Mei Ah Kou,

It's me again.. I'm sorry but I can't sleep.. i close my eyes and i see your face.. i've thought about u a thousand times.. i'm so confused.. its been 8 years since i've got ur new no. and never have i dialed it.. but i still remember it. I picked up the phone and dialled ur no. onli to put it down again.. so many answers i want to noe.. maybe noeing the answers would onli open the wounds again.. maybe i've not healed.. maybe i'll never heal.. maybe i'm just fooling myself.. it was 2 years ago.. still the wounds burns fresh.. the blood still flows from the wound..Really wanna hear your voice rite now.. but i'm afraid that my heart'd be too eager to let u in again.. perhaps i've never shut u out before.. i've never.. hating u is so much easier.. but i can't..  how could u smile at me as if nothing has happened? I'm not angry at you.. i'm really not! i noe i sound angry.. but can u see the pain behind it all? can u see the shattered remains of my heart? How can everything be all rite? how can i not worry? maybe there isn't anything to worry for.. i'm not worried.. i just want everything to be the same again.. maybe i'd wake up one day and realise all these happenings were nothing but a nightmare.. but ur there and i'm here.. I'm so messed up now.. i've been crying the whole day.. at least in my heart.. the tears are falling now that night has fallen.. are u sleeping now? Why am i asking all these stupid questions? Why am i thinking that you'll care? maybe you don't.. maybe u've already forgotten me a long time ago.. was it pain i saw in ur eyes? or maybe that was just wat i wanted to see? Silly me.. always thinking that people feel so much.. that there's so much more behind everything.. always fooling myself to believe that somehow you would actually be sad and still  love us.. I really want to see you.. so many questions to ask.. i really want to ring your door bell.. but what if the doors are closed? what if i was a nuisance to you? but i did see the pain in your eyes! I did! i really did! I swear that u still care! I know you still do! I know that i just have to look at you and you'd take me in your arms. I know you will! right? i know you will... 

Tuesday, 24th June 2003, 23:30    opened can of worms.. 

Finally found my cousins.. after 4 days of searching and waiting by the comp.. it was really awkward at .. it took me a long time to press that enter button to send a msg thru msn.. i really miss the girls.. in our whole talk we never mentioned our parents.. really hope that our parents are left to their own business amongst themselves.. but how can the children pretend nothing's wrong? i really dunnoe.. they've both grown up so much.. been a long time since i've spoken to them.. watever lies whoever's parents told, whoever was right and wrong doesn't matter.. but is it really as simple as that? If i could.. could they? I've sent an sms.. waiting for my aunt's call.. really feel like calling her now.. but am afraid that.. just afraid.. after what's happened who isn't? If i died alone it wouldn't matter.. but i wouldn't want my family involved.. i'm afraid too that my parents mite noe.. i don't wanna open the old wounds.. i dun ever wanna see my father's tears.. i wanna forget how he slumped in front of my grandfather's grave and wept.. and i couldn't do a thing.. i wanna forget.. i dun ever wanna sit at the dinner table alone with my sis.. while my parents struggle.. on the brink of bankruptcy.. its over.. but the shadows tower over me... have i opened a can of worms? see this mess i always get myself into.. I see their family photos.. they're so happy together.. will my appearance disrupt anything? even if it was a little.. ? i'd regret it.. as long as my aunt's happy.. as long as the kids are fine.. what more could i ask? Couldn't things just be as they used to be?? WHY??? I'm confused.. i'm really messed up.. i really dunoe wat to think about people and what.. i don't even noe wat i dun noe anymore.. i don't noe!!!!!!! Why can't i sleep? i haven't slept in 2 days.. and i can't sleep?? WHY? I DON'T KNOW! 

Wednesday, 25th June 2003, 2:30am    from potato to cherry..  

My dear friend Gerard (Potato) wrote a poem 4 me.. it's his 1st attempt.. and it puts me to shame.. *bleah* but it was really sweet!! and pushed all the blues away.. ooh.. i was pretending not to notice that there's still another rabbit left in my plc.. then quietly extend its stay... and suddenly my mum said "Why dun u keep the rabbit? its kinda sweet and lovely.. dun give it away la.. " i'm like wah... shocked.. neva had my mum offered to keep a pet.. always limiting the no. of pets..!! I LOVE YOU MUMMY!!!! you're the greatest!! *huggz*..so i'm keeping the last rabbit "Pickles" !! Pple didn't want him cos he wasn't soo nice.. but he's really the sweetest and gentlest rabbit i've eva nown.. he follows my sis everywhere.. and doesn't pee anywhere but in the garden! I think he's BEAUTIFUL!!  Double happiness day!! 
                                      From Potato to Cherry
Potato: Thanks for being here for me thru this trying time.. really dunoe wat i'd do without ur support! Thanks for listening to me blab on and on and on.. thankfully i didn't bore u to death! *grinz* ..reading ur poem really made me laugh and smile.. its really sweet! if ur reading this help me give urself a big hug k?? You'll always be my buddy!! :)    ,Cherry

Thursday, 26th June 2003, 4:50am    butt of the joke.. again 

Feeling like the butt of the joke again! Once again the great magnificent me has gone ahead and made a fool out of myself!!! I think everyone should hail me as the queen of stupidity.. Here I am again.. thinking that people would want to talk about our relationship problems.. that people would care enough to solve it.. that we would work harder to make things right after the talk.. and once again I’m on my own.. fighting back tears.. defeated.. Why do I have to feel so much? Why do I have to put my heart into all these stupid relationships and love?.. How great! The loser again… Shirleen when will you wake up and see that this world no one really cares.. that if you’re gone nobody will really realize it? That the birds will still going singing.. that they’d do the same thing all over again. .that they can find another friend another someone to take your place? Not like you had a place to begin with.. And there u are crying your heart out.. who cares? 

Saturday, 28th June 2003, 5:51am     if life was kind.. my 7 brothers would be here

Was just browsing through my photos.. thinking of all of you.. Geoffrey.. i'm so sorry i wasn't there for you in court.. didn't even get to see you one last time.. i messaged everyone.. and Jem replied.. "If life was kind.. ur loved ones could stay 4-ever".. you're all so far away now.. what happened to us? We were so close.. people plotted to drive us apart.. yet we've crumbled in our own hands.. maybe life has set us on different paths.. We used to stay over at each others' place.. our parents were close.. and each became like our own mothers.. we went to classy places.. we went to run-down places.. we had so many outings together.. to try to break the cycle we were in.. really don't know how we got to be so close.. knowing u guys for less than a few days.. and already you've called me.. "Mei mei.. kor is sad..." Where can i find people like you who trusted me with everything.. ? It's like it's written in the stars..  Trips to sentosa, flying kites, the countless bbqs and sleepovers, the little kisses you gave me.. you were all like the brothers i've never had.. couldn't someone just break my head again? Then you could comfort me like the time I broke my head.. All the expensive gifts you gave me.. even though you had to save for weeks.. they're so dear to me.. the most precious of all the hand-made cards you guys gave me for my 18th bday.. the time we had together though not long.. but was the happiest time of my teenage life.. and i learnt so much about life with you.. we each came with our own baggages.. yet we lightened each others' baggage with our support.. Though i know i can simply call you.. and hear you call me Mei again.. but i wish we could relive yesterdays.. I will force myself to eat Darren's cooking again.. can't we all just get together?  I really miss you guys so much.. you never judged me nor forsake me.. yet i'm ashamed when i surrendered to my sanity.. Do you guys noe that my girl has given birth to a baby boy? Really wished we could all go see her baby together.. When Geoff's out we must get together ok? Let's all stay up through the night like we used to.. let's catch up on how life's been treating us.. and don't forget the hugs and kisses.. for now.. I'll keep you in my prayers.. I love you.. my 7 brothers.. 

                                                Poem for my 7 bros.. 

Monday, 30th June 2003, 23:50     happy birthday.. Jonathan

It's your birthday today.. got u a present.. but can't give it to you yet.. sent you a card.. hope you got it on time... What's your wish? Can i be the one who makes it come true? Just spoke to ur sis.. Sept 3rd.. 65 more days.. its kinda scary to think of it.. but at the same time i really wanna see u again... 2 J's are having problems.. really breaks my heart to see him so sad.. i've never seen him so sad in all the 7 years that i've known him.. really wished i could do sumthing.. wished u were here to tell me watta do.. cos everytime i try to help sumone.. the whole thing always blows up in my face... and i'm charlie the clown once again.. I think i'm really dumb.. just hope that things will work out between the both of them for the best.. and he can smile again.. How've you been? haven't heard from u since u last wrote.. noe wat he said too? that it'd be really nice if we got together cos he's close to both of us..but i'd be happy if somehow.. somewhere in your heart.. i have a little place.. as a friend.. really really can't wait to see you again... Happy Birthday! *muacks* 

Someone like you is rare
You’re not afraid to care
Always say how you feel
It’s part of your appeal
We share some special times
I’m glad that you are mine
You showed me a better way
I really wish that you would stay

Imagining you’re right here with me
Thinking of all that could be
Imagining your gentle touch
I’m missing you oh so much
My imagination’s running right out of control
I’m missing you more than you could know

I know for now we’re gonna have to wait
The rest we are gonna hafta leave to fate
I wished the miles between us
Could just disappear
Until that day I’ll hold back the tears

Thursday, 3rd July 2003, 5:40 am   she called me her sister.. and my heart shattered

Went drinking with Joe today.. later we met Jill.. seeing her so lost, my heart just broke.. had a shout out with her bf.. really can't stand the way he was yelling at her.. if i was closer to her i'd prob hit him... she kept holding my hand.. looking for support? Was fighting back tears when she said that i was her sister.. in my heart, she's always been my sister... we went for supper together and later sent her home.. really wish there's more i could do.. really wish that she considered me as her friend.. i really wanna be here as a friend for her.. i've never known a girl as sweet as her.. things for them are getting better.. really hope things work out for the best.. just dun wanna see her so sad anymore.. i really wish i could take away the pain in her heart, the confusion in her mind..  but guess this is where my line's drawn.. and tonight shall be just a special memory in my head.. the night where all differences were thrown aside.. the night she called me her sister.. 

Sunday, 13th July 2003, 9:40 pm    "spend daddy's money week!!"

Went for facial with my mummy today.. we signed up for a package.. $850 for 10 sessions... $850!! and so i laid there for 3 hours.. and fell asleep.. :P we went shopping.. mum & I are on this beauty craze.. we spent $500+ buying the sk2 stuff.. and perfumes.. she ordered this funny face cream thingy.. $250.. i bought this top from fashion lab.. like a tank top.. $32 can u believe it? for 1 tank top?? but i simply love fashion lab!! can't wait for the 1k cheque my dad gave me to cross.. wanna shop shop shop!!  bwwahaha and daddy saw my dentist bills.. $2,800 for my 2 teeth root treatment.. i mean how can 2 teeth cost 2.8 k?? i also wanna be a dentist!!  i think dad's gonna freak.. we brought home the 3rd set of new computer today!! yippy!! its so fast!! bye bye pentium 3.. hello pentium 4.. ok i'm kinda weird todae.. think its the shopping part.. dad was talking about buying me a car.. but i declined.. cos he actually promised me a car if i got into a uni.. so i dun think i deserve it.. ooh i can almost feel it.. it was so close!! shoulda gone to SIM.. then that lancer would be mine! all mine!!  Ooh.. the other good news? the bag i designed for daddy's company?? going to put in on their advert!!!! Haha he was joking about putting my face there..kinda like teaching me the ropes.. wahh.. its scary.. i'm so proud of my dad and mum!! they bounced back from adversity.. ooh i love you mummy and daddy!! *mmmuackssss* 

Saturday, 19th July 2003, 15:40    gassing the mice and myself.. 

School has started.. was a mad rush last week.. so sleepy and tired.. but the good thing is i went for every lesson and even listened in class.. even my mentor was surprised.. he said "Nice to see you coming to class" hee i'm so happy.. i copied notes feverishly.. well i hope this goes on for the rest of the term.. i'm aiming for all A's.. ok i have to write this down to remind myself! So glad that school's started.. feel like life's much more interesting! cos this year i'll be cloning, doing the HIV virus, growing my own cell lines.. can you believe it? 1ml of cell line costs 1.2k ?? and  killing mice.. i actually saw the yr 3's killing one.. gassing it to death. yucks.. anyway.. kinda stressed.. cos the cell lines are really prone to contamination.. and its a 6 mths work.. one moment of folly and i'll bring my whole team down with me... and they have to shut down the labs.. to wat i heard.. when the pros do that.. it costs between 20k to 30k just to clear up the mess.. *bleah* just hope nothing goes wrong.. So this year.. i'm going to get 5 A's!! yupps! I believe i can.. i know i can.. :) Just added a little wish page.. hehe 

Monday, 21st July 2003, 14:24    i can't tell the lies frm the truth anymore.. 

Feeling trapped.. so many promises yet to be fulfilled.. so many lies.. that i dun noe wat the truth is like.. how did things change so much so fast? didn't we used to believe? 1 year.. 5 months and 16 days.. amount to nothing.. somehow i'm glad that its over.. yet a part of me yearns for the time we used to have.. the laughter we used to share.. how did it all fall to this? with nothing left.. i can do nothing but hope that 43 days frm now.. i'll still have a friend to count on.. the only person left that i know i can fall back on.. the only person left to share my dreams.. my only hope of goodness left in this cold winter.. I love the way he loves me.. the only girl in his world.. but how can i ever fight the place he has for himself in his heart? I'm not even close.. why issit that he has to wear a mask.. when i love the man behind it? he once opened my eyes.. to the truth in this world.. yet now my eyes are open and i can't see nothing but the darkness that the lies have shadowed.. Somethings i'll never know.. behind the lies.. behind the anger.. where's the truth? is there a truth? or has it always been a lie? A pretty lie i create in my head.. i tell myself so many lies.. make people out to be better than they actually are.. why do i keep doing this to myself? The pain he'll never know.. just wat i can't give him.. when will he ever realise? why do i want him to realise it even? maybe a part of me wished we could work things out.. but is there anything left? Was there ever anything to begin with? How can i love a man who's a coward? Who doesn't even dare to show me his true self.. or is that the hardest thing to do? The simplest thing i want from him.. turns out to be the hardest thing for him to give.. when will he ever see the truth? he tells himself lies.. i dun wanna see him live a life of lies.. but there's only so much i can do.. he thinks the whole world's unfair to him.. when the one unfair to him.. is himself.. the lies!! the horror!! the horror!! .. I wanna see the truth.. is that so difficult?? blood drips from his hand.. the pain in my heart... i hold his heart he placed in my hands so tight.. i unclasp my hands and find only worms.. 

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll have woke up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"

You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
And wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...

Even though I'd be sacrificed,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

Tuesday, 22nd July 2003, 21:30    u cleared up my skies..   

Talking to you for 3 hrs ++ lo.. thanks for everything.. really.. you made me see the picture so clearly.. wiped away the lies i've painted.. i can now leave without regrets.. for you've let me know that i've given my best.. that he is the man he is.. though it pains me to see him like this.. to see him delude himself with his lies.. when will he finally see the truth? if you are true to your friends.. they will be true to you.. doesn't have to be everyone.. but even if one is true back to you.. that's worth the effort.. and having found you.. its been worth my effort.. thanks best friend.. 

even up till the end, you still deny me yourself.. Just let me cry one last time.. just let me cry myself to sleep.. this will be the last time.. i promise.. heart.. be strong.. just for tonite.. i'll let u break.. just for tonite i'll let u ponder.. i'll let u yearn.. for tonite i'll let you fall apart.. tomorrow i'll start picking up the pieces.. the mess you left behind.. on my own.. 

Tonight shall be the last night my heart beats for u... tomorrow i shall wake up and not know that i ever knew you.. time to dry the tears.. "heart.. stop hurting.. its time to let go.." 

Wednesday, 30th  July 2003, 18:40    stop yelling!! 

I just want the yelling to stop...  i try to close my eyes and make it go away.. but it goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.. i just feel like dying.. maybe then it'd all go away... can you please stop yelling... please...  

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
And you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Updated : Wish

Saturday, 2nd August 2003, 3:00  one by one we all fall down.. 

Today's a funny day... everyday is a funny day.. i've been laughing so much.. and i still can't stop laughing.. everything is funny.. i feel so evil... hehehehe.. why am i still laughing? my sister of 5 yrs.. just got arrested.. for wat?? for drugs.. why is there even such a thing in the first place? the damned people.. Desmond died of an OD.. i just couldn't believe it.. until i saw his photo at the funeral.. he was such a sweetheart.. always smiling.. always so goofy.. he was my Ja Ja Bingz.. (frm starwars) he was always so ready to lend a shoulder.. we used to play like kids.. he would always be on the look out for me.. she was always the strong one.. how did it all come down to this?? he was a mummy's boy.. she was our big sister.. so many friends.. taken away.. i hate drugs... why? it's my fault isn't it? Somehow.. after all the mess i was the onli one to come outta it unscathed.. ok.. i've failed miserably as a friend... so many "if only's.." so many questions.. so many dear friends i've lost.. Jonathan will be back in a month's time.. i really dun wanna lose him again.. isn't it about time all these stopped?? Isn't it about time they stop taking away my friends? I've failed so miserably.. why didn't i do more? why? where have i gone wrong? listening to the song Jonathan so loved.. nobody really appreciated the song.. but its a song that's kept me going thru these dark times.. the strength i never had..    

Jonathan: "Whether you're right or wrong, i'm gonna still love you.. still feel you.. still be there for you.. No matter what, You will always be in my heart.. with unconditional love.. "

Friday, 8th August 2003, 23:20   two words..

Fan          Gan

Saturday, 9th August 2003, 23:45  ..simply Jillian..

Last night Jill asked me to work with her.. at first i tot it was my agent.. was so surprised!! Really happy!! "I asked the boss if i could ask a friend to accompany me to work.. that's why i asked you.." that means she takes me as her friend?! Jus a simple few words like this made me really happy.. ahh!! I'm so happy!! Even thou i'd be earning thrice as much outside, i'll still work with her.. she said she hoped she wasn't pushing me or anything.. goodness.. if she onli knew how happy she made me.. i still can't believe it.. school's really hectic now.. starting to feel the pressure.. lotsa pressure!! i've never been so stressed before.. and i still can't get myself to study study... oh my... i've gotta start.. wasn't planning to work this sem cos the work's really tuff.. 4 weeks of school and we've already covered 60 chapters.. but i wanna work with her.. it's like better than striking 4D.. ooh God you're so good.. t the simple little things that means the most to me you take such good care of.. i'm going to church this Sunday!! haven't been there in ages.. I can feel it.. everything's going to be good!! 

On National day my family and kor kor and his fiancee went with us to Bedok Jetty to fish and watch fireworks.. the thing is that we wanted to go to kallang river like our annual NDP.. but Kor SAID that he'd refund us money if we didn't see the fireworks clearer... I only saw sparks.. His Fiancée's really wonderful!! They're getting married next year.. and she asked me to be her bride's maid and she's even tailor-making my gown ($200-300) so i can get to keep it!! Ahhh!! So excited!! Can't wait.. Really love them.. and she's always so sweet and nice to us.. :)
  

Friday, 22nd August 2003, 22:45  happy.. lalala

Been really sick the past 2 weeks.. really stressed too.. I've never really had a running nose quite as bad.. feverish.. *bleah* didn't go to school today.. think i'll just rest up at home.. and prepare for my common tests.. time's passing kinda fast.. won't have school on mon & thurs next week.. kinda ecstatic about everything.. my tests.. my work and his coming back.. so many things.. all good happening altogether.. just went and bought lotsa stuff from aRT friend.. can't wait to try drawing with charcoal pencils.. somehow just love scribbling.. maybe it untangles the knots in my heart.. makes things clearer to me.. and the paper hears what almost no one hears.. Haha i'm so happy!! I don't know why.. but i feel this little smile sneaking up my face.. 

Haiyaya.. school work's getting nonsensical.. it's like studying another language.. well the names of bacterial viruses and the stuff actually originated from Greek, Latin and wateva.. so technically i'm studying a different language.. pGEM-3Zf+ like this makes any sense rite? 

Saturday, 23rd August 2003, 01:35  it's just easier than dealing with the pain

It's so very cold outside
Like the way I'm feeling inside
Outside it's now raining
And tears are falling from my eyes
Why did it have to happen
I'm a big big girl
In a big big world

Feel like the girl in the picture.. all alone in the dark.. with nothing but the rain and the pain in my heart.. as the rain streaks down my face.. it washes the tears away.. i can cry all i want to.. no one will see.. no one will know.. it's amazing  how i fly so high and sink into nothingness.. i'm so afraid all the time.. so many thing confuses me.. i've lost the courage to face fear.. when i get confused.. i get frightened.. and i just want to run away.. so the fear and pain will never catch me.. so far away that you'll never find me.. yet i sit here as silent as a deer right at your feet.. i feel trapped.. like I don't belong here.. this world is much too big and too much a stranger for me to live in.. I need to run.. runaway.. i'm going out of my mind.. i'm lost in ur lies.. i can't breathe i can't see.. but sense fear approaching.. grasping me.. "Like a madman laughin' at the rain.. A little out of touch.. a little insane.. It's just easier than dealing with the pain"

pain... have u ever wondered how ur funeral will look like? i hope no one turns up for mine.. or only those who truly love me turns up.. i dun wanna see hypocrites.. or those who thought they loved me.. cos i'll never die in peace that way.. maybe people will realise they took me for granted.. why at the end am i still hoping that people will care? wat good does it bring? nothing.. will only my death bring them realisation? then it's really sad isn't it? then i mite as well have never been borned... sad.. pathetically sad...

Monday, 25th August 2003, 18:00  Trixie & Trickles

Today went to AMK to collect my hammies from this really nice lady.. HamsterPrincess aka KOFprincess.. she's really sweet.. and her hammies are so cute.. anyway they're really tiny now.. about an inch ++ their heads are still so big as compared to the body and they tumble in and outta the food bowl like boo boos.. sooo cutes!! bought them this really sweet light pink cage... the pinks inside are all frosted.. sooo nice.. Daddy's so sweet.. cos he bought the mice cage for my sis's mice.. and he say he'll pay for it.. i thought he'd forgotten.. but i declined.. just warms my heart to know that Daddy's so thoughtful... 

Sunday, 31st August 2003, 0:00  Updates.. Masks @ home, Thanks "Uncle" R***** C, 

Today the whole family did mask again.. except mum cos she's already gone for facial.. i didn't go cos was kinda sick and had a common test to study for.. anyway think I got full marks for my MCQs.. and should only lose about 3-5 marks in the second part.. ahh I'm so happy!! ok haven't been able to blog so shall update here.. gonna watch soccer with MeiMei.. my smelly little bao bao syl.. tonite.. hehe.. Mei: "Jie loves you very much.. hope that i can be here to share with you not just the happy moments in your life.. but also the painful ones.. i can't even begin to tell you how proud i am of you.. how much i love you and feel loved by you.. Jie will support u all the way!!"

 
Shopping Spree 28th.. Daddy made mummy angry todae.. so mummy called me to go out with her.. sooooo sweet rite? Feels really great that my family counts on me.. anyway we went shopping haha.. We spent $370 at SaSa buying cosmetics and stuff.. then bot a really nice jeans and a few tops and accessories and stuff.. oh bought 3 pairs of really nice shoes.. ahh i love shoes!! we bot one for mei too.. think she's going to kill me when i get home cos we went shopping w/o her.. think we spent $700++ in 3 hours.. when we came home.. daddy helped mummy massage, soak her feet in the foot bubble bath massager Mei & I bot for her cos she said her feet was dry.. $90++.. for mum's day!! Then they sat in the garden watching the fishes daddy bot for my mum!! so sweet rite? like two silly old people living in their own sweet world!! arhh.. i'm pretty scared of marriage.. but my parents love for each other and sweetness and romance that carried on for 24 yrs.. inspires me.. and helps me believe in this otherwise saddening situation.. 

29th Blessing in Disguise Went to watch tales of 2 sisters with mei tonite.. hee she's so cute.. she actually screamed in the cinema.. haha so cutes!!!! Ahh.. we're less quarrelsome and very bonded ever since "That betrayal" took place.. Now i can say that it was a blessing in disguise.. feel like calling my "UNCLE" and tell him thanks for everything!! thanks for betraying my parents!! Look at us now.. we're better off without them.. our business is doing so well.. our family's even more bonded.. even with Kor.. and all my aunties and uncles and cousins.. everyone played their part.. even more than we could ever ask for.. all the love and support.. they even helped us physically with everything we needed.. I LOVE ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!! *MuAcKSsssSS* what they say is true.. in a crisis do we see true feelings.. in a crisis i saw what fake "he" was.. and saw all the true love the other wonderful relatives have for us.. and they noe and believe in us.. Thanks . i noe i shouldn't be angry.. 

Dear Lord,

losing them is all rite.. for how can i ever let the world know how blessed i am? Lord.. what have i done to deserve all the love you've given me in my life? I can shout it from the mountaintop.. that i'm the most loved person in the world.. with all the wonderful relatives.. my family.. the bonds of cousins and even aunts & uncles.. we dun just gather occasionally but go on dates together..  movies.. (The record was 17 tickets..) 20++ 30 of us are going to Thailand together next year.. the wonderful grandparents i've got.. Especially my dad's dad.. whom i miss so much.. often when i'm down i'll go to MT Vernon alone.. and find refuge there.. how can i ever thank you enuff for the wonderful family you've blessed me with.. Aunties and Uncles who sms me.. to tell me how nice it is to hear my voice.. cousins who are so protective over me.. even thou i'm like 20 already.. my wonderful Kor.. and his wife-to-be.. how can I ever bear for this life on earth to end? we're just so close.. Cousins and aunties that i can call for advice.. who i can pour out my heart to.. without any barriers.. A family that makes me wanna cry the moment i'm out without them.. a big family that i spend more time with than friends.. how can i ever let others noe that when they think i need to get a life.. that i've a even more fulfilling and happier times with my familys? hee.. thanks for my "Uncle" too.. without him i'll never know how wonderful my other loved ones are.. and the love they have to offer.. and how much they mean to me.. and the true family love and faith that he'll never know.. i'm learning to forgive.. Lord help me.. and deliver their souls from the evil they've done.. 

Wednesday, 3rd September 2003, 22:30  Welcome home.. 

Reached ur plc at 9:15.. drove around till 9:45 to meet J&J and ur family.. went down to Cisco.. and waited till 12+ to meet u.. ur face is still the same.. but its like ur Big Johny now.. the grown-up version.. this is the first time i saw u with ur shirt tucked in.. so many things have changed.. I was all tongue-tied.. just felt like digging a hole and hide haha.. i have no idea why.. maybe cos i haven't seen u in 3 years? Though i felt kinda outta place.. Mel & Nat & Dam & ur Mummy.. made me feel really at home.. its kinda sweet.. kinda warmed my heart.. I still can't believe you're finally back!! seeing u changed and so determined.. i'm inspired.. i am.. had a wonderful day really.. its like all rolled into one.. its like a big reunion.. had the most wonderful time talking to Jill & Mel.. & of cos you.. & ur Mummy.. lunch at Lei gardens was really splendid especially when ur mum asked if i ate noodles.. then we went shopping.. kinda wished i could blend into the surroundings.. so i walked out of watson's.. pretending to make a call.. ok that's dumb but i just wanted to dig a hole and hide..then you came out too.. it was so sweet.. my dear old friend.. Gave u a welcome back present.. u: " i forgot to tell u not to get me anything for my bday.. shouldn't have.." my goodness.. think ur going to be so disappointed when u open up the gift.. its pretty valueless.. and back home had a wonderful dinner.. its like do they make fairy tales any better than this? I'm just really glad ur back.. and changed.. sorry had to go off so early.. slept onli 2 hours the nite before.. and the driving around really wore me out.. and wanted to leave u 3 to some private time..  anyway.. just wish that you'll be happy and never give up on yourself.. dun ever feel anything but proud of yourself when people look at you.. cos you & I and everyone knows that you've got so much more in you.. the truly hailed victors are not those who got success easy.. but those who've gone thru adversity and came out stronger.. and that's you... *hugs*  

Sunday, 7th Sept 2003, 16:00 wishes do come true.. 

my wish came true when i saw you.. the change in you.. i once made a wish.. when i received your letter.. "i just wish he would keep his head above water.. find the sand beneath his feet.. and finally reach the shore.. such a simple wish.. a wish that i would beg God to make come true.. in exchange of being together with him.. I can take the pain.. the emptiness.. let life's curse be upon me.. and i will walk away in silence.. God.. just keep him safe in your hands..." and seeing you renewed.. i knew my wish had come true.. what more can i ask? my wish came true.. and i have to keep my vows.. I'm trying to be happy.. trying to smile for you.. give me time.. dear Lord..wateva's your plan.. give me the courage to accept it... 

Sunday, 7th Sept 2003, 22:45:17 the wonders of ur voice

Called you today but you were busy.. didn't dare call u for the past week.. cause think u'd need sum time alone after all the gatherings.. didn't expect you to call back.. when i saw ur name flashing on my phone.. didn't know quite how to react.. think i sounded kinda boopish.. was still kinda afraid that we wouldn't quite make friends.. but at least now we have a start.. talked about ur plans and stuff.. and then u told me u just got a hp.. *gawd* can't explain the relief i feel.. that at least now u wanna give me ur no. was so afraid that wednesday was the end.. talked bout quitting smoking.. and u offered to lock me up for 2 weeks.. isolation cell... hmmm.. quite impossible i think i'll be nuts before the day is up.. what with all the voices in my head.. kinda arranged a lunch-out tml.. these few days.. feel like i'm in a tango.. and i'm a total beginner.. a total klutz.. not sure whether to move left or rite.. forward or back.. just hope that i've not become an insistent pain.. supposed to help u get a job.. jus wish that i could do so much more for u.. yet i dun wanna smother u.. see i'm tango-ing again.. told me ur headaching.. got u sumthing actually.. but.. nvm.. u get the point.. i know i made a vow.. but somehow after seeing you.. its so difficult to just turn and walk away.. you will always be my most cherished & loved friend in my heart.. one day if ever that i am gone.. i hope you'll remember me as when i still meant something to you.. 

Tuesday, 9th Sept 2003, 02:45am the importance of a star

haven managed to study much these few days.. actually not at all.. kinda in this mix.. feeling kinda depressed.. i dunnoe why but the tears have started to fall for no real reason.. i think i'm going bonkers.. and guess what? I'm outta St. John's.. i'm just trapped in so many yesterdays.. sometimes i wish i could go to sleep and wake up with only memories of my family.. with no clue who i am.. what i do.. what i'm supposed to do.. nah.. can't think this way... i'm the star shining in the darkened skies of so many people's.. i just can't runaway.. but then again.. what difference would the disappearance of one single star in the night cause? probably no one would even notice that i was gone.. the fire in my heart is dying.. it's been dying since the time i got jaded.. has it already been 5 years? the last promise that i made to myself that's still unbroken.. is not to become like the rest of the world.. but i'm slipping.. it's as if.. when the wind is blowing.. and the fire in my heart flickering.. i try to build walls to shut the wind out.. and now the fire is burning on whatever's left of the oxygen within the walls.. and i've shut myself out to the rest of the world... with the walls i've built on my own.. with no one to turn to.. i think i'm going mad.. i feel so alone.. so afraid.. its so frightfully silent.. so alone.. so alone... a l o n e ... think its the nite!!.. when the sun shines.. i shine too! so maybe i'm the moon? haha like that makes any sense... 

i just can't lose this funny feeling that i don't have much time left in this world.. *weird*

Saturday, 20th September 2003, 14:45 one step @ a time.. i know we'll make it.. 

Just finished my common tests.. taking a break this weekend.. then gotta start mugging for my exams.. now i noe why they say that 2nd year its either the make it or break it yr.. *brrrr* slept 14hrs on fri nite.. keke catching up on the hrs spent burning the midnite oil.. "Shirleen stop pushing everything till the last min!!" I'm starting my revision early.. cos i noe i shall "punkchek" half-way.. ok ok here's the updates..
Friday, 13th September 2003
We were messaging about jobs and stuff.. told him i haven't got the courage to return to church yet.. maybe just not ready.. "Nike says just do it.." haha so cutes.. i shall hafta find the courage.. and soon.. while i'm still above water.. keke..  
Thursday, 18th September 2003
Received a call today in lab.. didn't expect it to be him.. was asking bout the jobs.. then he called back again cos he couldn't read my msg.. we chatted for a while..  anyhow we're meeting up next wed for din.. really glad that he called.. been wondering.. that if i didn't call him.. would he call me.. friends.. or just acquaintances.. didn't sleep the whole of last nite.. mugging 4 microbio.. think i'll be able to secure a B? sadness.. was expecting A's all the way.. so far got a est. 96 and 94.. for Cell tech and molecular bio tech.. thanks to bao bei's tips.. thx girl! :) 
Friday, 19th September 2003
Talked to him again todae.. said he's working for his gran.. talked abit.. tot he sounded upset.. like the little boy way he used to talk when he's upset.. asked bout my work and stuff.. and why i didn't pick up his call the 1st time.. *sigh* just so glad that our friendship has some progress.. really can't wait for wed to come.. hope nothing crops up.. *prays* Didn't sleep again last nite.. cramming for Analytical Biochem.. hee was so blur and the questions was so tricky.. finished it in 10 mins.. teacher didn't want to let us go till half an hour later.. "I want u to stay to try to secure full marks..." so i checked my answers and became doubtful of my first choices.. so i made some changes.. if she didn't make us stay the full half hour.. i'm sure i would have gotten an A.. haha the irony.. 

Monday, 22nd September 2003, 23:59 .. such a simple gesture

Today called him to see if we're still meeting up on wed.. changed it to lunch cos he had to go hme for dinner.. tried grouping up the rest but like so troublesome.. so i msged him "hey if you wanna meet up on wed gimme a call.. otherwise see u another time.. take care nites.." I stared at the phone and his name started flashing.. "What did u mean by the msg? .. I haven't asked anyone out lately.. never even go out... I really dun wan u to get the wrong idea.. that i dun wanna go out with u.." I told him he was scaring me.. and that i had prob rounding up the rest.. "no.. You're scaring me.. What did u mean by the msg? its ok.. if they can't go the two of us can still do lunch together.. " He's really sweet.. really glad that now he cares about me this friend.. "Anyway i've got some things to talk to you about.." ... "Something wonderful..." lemme guess... God.. Christianity.. yah i noe i've backslide a long long way... "with the rest go for lunch.. dunnoe wat to talk about also..." i prayed with my heart for first time in a long while.. asking God.. that His will be done... can i truly say that i hope for nothing more? no.. that'd be a lie.. being a friend to him.. is all that i can ever ask for.. being with him will be a dream come true... i can tell a million lies to the rest.. but i can't lie to myself... a soul as sensitive as his.. I wish i could pray that we would be together.. but if that's not God's plan for him.. i wouldn't want to ruin it... i want him to follow God's plan.. so that he may be happy.. that he may be well.. 

Tuesaday, 30th September 2003, 07:20  Tears in Heaven 
our beloved pet mouse Nurk Nurk has passed away.. tried to nurse him back with med..  love this tiny tike who's small but has enormous courage and love.. here's a memorial of my mouse.. today's a cold, rainy day.. my heart is cold and crying.. 

Thursday, 9th October 2003, 04:35   for Jill 

worked with Jill again last nite.. this time just the two of us... we hid in the toilet taking photos.. really fun.. miss the girl's fun so much.. maybe been MIA-ing for too long.. hehe we laughed ourselves silly.. and we ended up chatting till 2++.. this's the first time we've talked so much.. we laughed at the pics we took.. she's really such an angel.. really hope that she'll be truly happy.. wrote a poem for her.. cos didn't really noe how to tell her wat's in my heart..  really really glad that i can be part of her life.. and listen to her.. she's always been a sister to me.. 

Saturday, 11th October 2003, mum & dad bot a new mouse for my sis.. a white with black patches.. i started laughing cos he looked so much like a cow.. and thus he's name Moo Moo.. the other good news.. Pixie's been getting rounder and rounder.. today.. i felt 4 little bumps in her tummy.. really wish that two of the bumps are her organs or something.. *prays* cos i can't keep so many cavies.. stopped getting more pets ever since i got her.. to reserve the space in case Pixie and Petrie mates.. ahh this is so exciting.. yet heart pain.. *sigh* hope she has a smooth delivery.. *prays*

Wednesday, 24th September 2003, Worked with Jillian today.. for the first time.. we did an event at SRC wearing cheong sam and sum silly head thingy.. she's sooo sweet and cutes.. noe wat we have in common? we both turn really red really fast.. hehe i'm so glad that we're finally friends.. 

Monday, 13th October 2003, 00:11  god sent.. 

I haven't blogged for so long.. and to those who says that my blog is disgustingly depressed.. i've got lotsa good news.. felt kinda depressed though at the beginning.. when i saw all the old faces on Friendster.. kinda like sharp pains raking thru my heart.. people tell me i have changed.. that they're glad i've made it so far.. and living so meaningfully.. without regrets.. but deep in my heart.. in this secret place.. that i dun even noe where it is.. its a dark, haunting truth that i've kept even from myself.. till today.. i haven't had the courage to look back.. people say that i'm the only one who got outta it unscathed.. i've blocked out everything frm the age 15-18.. seriously did.. even when i try to remember.. i can't.. subconsciously i know i'm stopping myself from remembering.. it took me a hell lotta strength to step outta the dark.. away from the pain and depression.. i don't even write poems or paint anymore.. cos i'm afraid.. i truly am.. the people i'm with now.. probably can't understand what i went thru.. it was so long ago.. yet today.. i've found a girl.. from long ago.. who's been thru wat i did.. doing wat i'm doing now.. living life in the light.. the courage and strength in such a little girl.. Sanz.. i really thank God for all the angels i found in a matter of days.. i'll be strong.. and i'll keep my head above the water.. for all of you.. "someday i'll conquer it.. and i'll be free.."   

Friday, 10th October 2003,

All the friends i've lost through the years.. (ok i mia-ed but i had to pick up my life for my family) Abel.. thanks for the really sweet testimonial.. i'll never forget u.. i'll never let u slip away again.. will always remember the time we had to run frm the men in blue.. the first person u came for was me.. took my hands in yours and ran.. wouldn't know what would have happened if you didn't take my hand.. knowing you for the past 7 years.. and not realising what a precious gem u are to me.. that's stupidity on my part.. i'll never let you down ever..  

Guess who else i found?? Sanz!! we had a misunderstanding in the past.. never got to know her very well either.. saw a msg frm her that brought tears to my eyes.. can't really remember wat happened last time also.. but the things she said.. touched my heart.. (part) :

Thanks Sanz.. can't start to tell u how much u mean to me.. how much u've changed my life.. thou its just been a few days.. i dunoe but my heart's feeling a thousand tons lighter.. and this smile i just can't wipe off my face.. really thank God for u.. will meet up with u rite after my exams okie? then we can go ghost busting together.. i'll always be here for u.. thanks, angel.. *mmmmuacks*

Ben whom i've lost contact with for a while.. just kinda funny that he pops up in my mind every so often.. from his Tim Tam's.. CD.. teddy bear.. the time at ACJC swim camp.. how he scared me dragging me down the forsaken totally black black black corridors.. in the end he had to drag me out by my hands cos i was freaked.. met him last year at a wakeboard thingy.. but i lost my phone after that.. so happy to find him again!! "think of u once in a while, still.. yeah, missed u lots" 

Saturday, 25th October 2003, 19:47  Pixie & Petrie's Bundle of Joy!!

Pixie gave birth to two lovely piggies.. one's a red-eyed white (Sakura).. and the other's an exact replicate of Petrie.. (Chips) They're really cute.. and their wheeks are the sweetest sounds i've ever heard.. Pixie's a really sweet mum.. always fussing round the babies.. Thank God for the smooth delivery!! *mmmmmmuackssss*click on the pic to link to their page with more photos!! :)

Friday, 24th October 2003, 20:34  and my world falls apart 

Been having a pretty difficult time studying.. and basically difficult time dealing with the difficult time i'm having.. I"m trying to deal with the pain.. was actually better.. until you told me that.. never could trust you on anything.. the only thing that i can trust and hold onto.. has been taken away now.. what do i have left to hold on to now?? nothing.. so eerily silent.. so empty.. i'm like a lost child.. running after u.. yet ur like the wind.. that i'll never be able to catch.. a thousand voices in my head.. tells me to run away.. yet my legs bring me back to u.. as i stand before u.. i feel so insignificant.. why am i back here again? why?.. you're like the wind.. ever-changing.. each step i take.. i feel that i'm losing ground.. each step i take... i have to fear falling down the cliff.. where is the ground i used to be so sure of? that i dun hafta fear each step i take.. 

Wednesday, 5th November 2003, 06:16  7th consecutive winner

Bearbie bought me two robos!! named them Crunchie & Munchie!! they're soo cute!! love their faces!! feel like squishing them.. hahaha sooo *evil* Exams' started.. and yes.. think i've won the procrastinator of the year award for the 7th consecutive year.. Jocelyn, Grace & Joshua.. my bao bei.. Dua Lian and Dua huei came over on monday morning.. (12:00 am) and we studied the whole nite thru for MolBioTech.. goodness gracious.. wats with DNA and RNA?????? while i was stressing out they were driving me crazy.. had BK breakfast.. and everyone was bitchified due to the lack of sleep.. but in a good way.. never felt stressed for my exams before.. now mugging for AnalyticalBioChem.. so far my CA's and prac exams & reports.. i've got about 53 outta the 60%.. was aiming for my distinction for this paper.. but.. yes been too busy trying to get my annual procrastinator award that i didn't prepare well.. slept till 3am.. and woke up.. with 6 hrs to study for my paper.. and i'm going crazy!!! why the hell would i have to noe all the hundreds of different microscopes?? when obviously i would noe which one to use.. i'm not going to be inventing microscopes.. and the liquid watever chroms?? the insanity of sum people.. is driving me insane.. i'm starving.. can't wait to meet my kopitiamies.. arhh.. i dun believe i'm throwing this distinction away.. yet again.. it always happen... i'm really an expert in this field.. 

Sunday, 9th November 2003, 13:42 * Petrie *

Brought Petrie out to the garden to feed him veg and play with him... my sis was there too.. and he kept climbing into my laps to sit.. i put him far away.. and i called him clapping.. he kept coming back and hide in my laps.. then my parents came to see.. he make the gulu gulu sound then run very fast to my hands.. then hide.. and keep looking at me.. and when the others tried he kept running back to me!! can't describe this feeling i felt.. wow.. its like the world is perfect now.. he's soooo lovely... *mmmmuacksszz* the video... 

Saturday, 8th November 2003, 09:48  *s w e e t s*

...these few days lotsa ups & downs.. just 3 papers.. 2 more to go.. MBT was good.. or at least it comforted me that i could write lotsa stuff.. haha half a page of intro in my essays cos i have no idea watta write and everything's jumbled up.. ABC.. washed my distinction down the drain.. Cell Tech.. was such a comfort.. i actually enjoyed doing the paper.. think i can secure 80++ in the paper.. finally one decent paper.. next week's papers will be a terror.. Human Bio & Microbio... gawd.. Friday after the paper was totally drained.. jus suddenly had to urge to cry.. went home and cleaned the cages and felt much better.. 

Sunday, 16th November 2003, 01:50   How much sweeter do they make angels?

Exams are finally over.. dunoe watta think of it.. so shan't think of it.. last nite was sms-ing with Rencong frm 8-2+ the last msg was super cutes.. think he was already drunk.. had a kinda misunderstanding with J.. while waiting for mum to finish her acupuncture i sat at the coffeeshop with my sis trying to fight back the tears.. just wanted to fall apart there and then.. when i got home the tears just broke free.. had such a bad attack tat it felt like my heart was going to explode.. but managed to clear things up.. i hope.. at least now i'm not on the suspect list.. if onli she knew she's as perfect as perfect can be in my heart.. and i would never do anything to hurt her.. just wished i could do more to make her happy.. 

Monday, 17th November 2003, 01:35   Princess Claire

Met my Princess today... really so glad that she's back.. and she's staying for my birthday!! cos she doesn't wanna miss my 21st.. its sooo sweet... really glad to see her.. was feeling so messed up and confused.. just seeing her and hugging her.. makes everything so much better... she's one friend whom i can sleep in peace at nite.. not wondering if i'd made a wrong move.. did i say sumthing wrong.. or wat's really going thru her mind.. really miss her soo much...wished i didn't come home so early though.. lotsa weird tots going thru my head now.. i jus wanna go to sleep and not wake up for a long long time.. just feel like i'm losing it.. just can't stand the charades.. the doubts.. every step i make i've gotta be sure i ain't walking into someone's trap.. i'm so confused.. i've never felt soo lost and yet soo blessed.. maybe when morning comes it'll all be better.. it always does doesn't it?? going to the hair salon with Claire tmr.. Princess.. i love u so much.. i wouldn't noe watta do without u.. i'm gonna do my crying now... 

Wednesday, 19th November 2003, 22:35   shopping

Went with Princess shopping yesterday... bot this really lovely urban short short skirt!! soo in love with it!! got 2 pairs of earrings.. and a necklace.. then we went to the hair salon.. sat there for hours.. got my fringe cut! the shop's owned by her mum's gd fren.. one of them had a son.. and when i came back for the toilet, they waved frantically at me to get me to go in and meet her son... i stood there.. traumatized!! and they started luffing when i took off to look for Claire.. my goodness.. i've never been so traumatized before!! Had so much fun with Claire.. being with her its like we can just pick up where we left off like we never spent a single day apart..  today went shopping with mei mei.. got another pair of earrings and a seashell necklace.. and the Konad nail art thingy... gotta stop shopping soon.. 

Thursday, 27th November 2003, 22:35   Miss Hotty Potty 

We went for coffee with Claire today..bot a pair of matching flip flop sandals with Claire.. she's soo cutes.. made me walk her in and out and in and out again and again cos her mum and her mum's good friend's trying to matchmake her and the son.. 

Sunday, 30th November 2003, 03:14   a million deaths upon thy soul..  

Puppy had a seizure today... at 4:50.. and a 2nd one at 6:45.. sent him down to Mt. Pleasant.. was holding him while my heart shattered into a million thrillion pieces.. had him x-rayed, blood tests and hospitalised for observation.. at 1:00 am called the vet.. they said nothing's wrong with the heart or chest or liver.. so it must be the brain... tumour... i cried like i could never stop.. pacing around the house.. was going mad.. i thought i heard him.. i thought i saw him.. everything i did reminded me of his absence.. even going to the toilet.. the way he'll push the door open and perch himself up for me to carry him.. his usual place where he sleeps while i do my stuff.. perching himself on my chair to carry him into my laps while i used the comp...  why my sweetheart.. why?? why not me?? cripple me.. blind me.. take my life.. not my sweetheart.. not my Puppy... can't take it anymore.. just need to hold him.. to see him.. to feel him.. went down to the hospital to see him.. the vet explained to me the possible causes and stuff.. and i just broke down.. haven't stopped crying since.. it may be months, or less.. or even years.. i wouldn't noe if he didn't do the MRI.. $1,000.. even if i find out.. i can't seek treatment for him locally... wat am i going to do.. i've never felt such pain before.. as my whole world just fell apart.. p'ple kept asking if i was ok.. how would i be ok?? i wanna fall apart.. but i can't because i have to be strong for him.. i owe him this much..

1st December 2003, 02:00

today's Monday... didn't sleep much.. kept waking up in between hours.. panicked when i couldn't find him.. my maid had let him out for lunch.. as i cried helplessly.. watching the anti-seizure drugs making him all drowsy and sleepy my heart broke again.. and i dare life to curse upon me.. but not my puppy.. not him.. i'll do anything.. take anything u wan.. but not my loves.. why??? was always worried about his heart.. his lungs.. cos we're all smokers.. but its NEITHER!! brain?? the angst.. the sorrow.. the pain.. stopped crying for awhile.. while my head spun at a thousand miles per min.. and my mouth moving faster than my mind..  my head spins.. from the crying and exhaustion.. my visions blurred.. and i can't walk striaght.. but i can't sleep.. i just can't.. lying beside him.. he's his usual self.. but how can i hold him knowing that all this may come to an end god knows how soon.. how can i?? How?? why?? of all things why him?? I'm going crazy.. i just feel like screaming.. i can't live without him i can't... why?? so soon?? why?? why?? so many questions.. so little time.. so many lost answers..  wat do you want from me???? take my life.. not him.. i can't do it.. i can't.. let me die a thousand deaths.. let a million sins be upon my soul... just dun take him away... not soo soon.. i'm not done loving him yet.. as i cry and wonder why... and WHY AND WHY AND WHY AND WHY AND WHY?!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Tuesday, 2nd December 2003, 03:14   Veggie lunch   

didn't feel like i could make it out of the house.. my eyes are all swollen and i just can't leave Puppy's side.. going vegetarian for this month and praying the rosary everyday till the day he's taken to the Rainbow Bridge.. when i could use the car and keep puppy with me.. 

Monday, 8th December 2003, 03:14   the day of magicks..   

Brought Puppy to ARC today.. the vet's really nice.. and patiently explained to me loadsa stuff for 40 mins.. and gave me lotsa good news.. the vet at MP said if its not the heart and liver its the brain.. but today she told me that brain tumor's onli 5% and even so it would be at least 6 mths.. she did CranialSacral therapy for him.. a sorta massage.. and he was so comfortable and even yawned.. its supposed to help with seizures.. and maybe in time we can wean him off PB.. and he'll be drug-free!! Got Co-Enzyme Q10 and Vit C for him.. $182.. got kinda a shock.. but guess its all worth it.. will be bringing him in for CST every week.. I'm sooo happy!! couldn't stop blabbering and just wanted to shout it to the whole-wide world.. guess my prayers were answered.. 

Claire got me a really pretty sexy hot hot hot white top.. she said she wouldn't wear it but it was really nice so she bought it for me!! soo sweet rite?? alamaks.. missed her soo much.. haven't met her since Puppy was ill... 

Saturday, 13th December 2003, 19:30   Violet hair... black heart.. 

Did my hairshow today.. hahaha my hair's cut till above the bra!!! it used to touch my butt!! and my fringe.. its now above my eyes!! (like when i was a kid daddy's soo happy to see my fringe now.. and gave me a big fat wet kiss and such a happy grin!!).. but wait that's not the best part.. this is.. my hair & 3/4 fringe is bright violet.. and the rest a darker violet!!! Yes.. u can die luffing at me!! all the funny stares hehhe.. but i kinda like it.. really enjoyed doing this hairshow.. cos the stylist from X'pect studio's really really nice and had so much fun with the choreographer.. anyway saw Kitty's mummy today.. she was really nice about the hair.. haha sooo embarrassing!! his mummy's really cute!! haha i love mums!! went shopping with mummy and sis after that bot the shoes i'd been eyeing for a while at far east!! soo happy!! but i couldn't walk anymore.. legs so tired from the rehearsal and 4-inch heels.. *f u n* 

Cot Brother Bear last nite with my sis!! soo funny!! then met Joel and his friends for drinks.. and went to SOS.. had my baileys.. yum yum... ooh met Bao Bei too... miss her soo much.. miss being crazy with her.. without it seeming like i'm really mad haha

Tuesday, 23rd December 2003, 5:00  the pounding in my head 
   

the guilt.. the pain.. the questions.. 
the insistent pounding in my head.. 
torn to shreds.. torn to shreds
i'm torn to shreds.. 
the unspoken words 
how strange it feels on my lips.. 
why and how and how and why
did we fall into this dark crevice 
forever.. for never
the sanity that i'll never grasp
i've been dying for 21 damned months
one step forward two steps back
i stepped out into the light
breathe in breathe out
the breaths never made me more alive
yet these crazy nights 
the taunting.. the haunting 
these crazy faces dancing before my eyes
these slippery figures prancing in the dark
like a puppet on a string
maneuvered.. hands flagging heads flopping
round and round and round and round
everything's spinning
this crazy incessant droning.. 
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
10, 9 , 8, 7, 6, 5, 4..
a rag doll on a swing
back and forth and back and forth
the darkness.. the starkness.. 
the screaming.. the scheming.. 
the screaming.. the scheming..
the s c r e a m i n g !  !  !  !
take a breath take a breath 
two fingers up the ribs..
clasp ur hands and make me breath
start pounding start pounding
watch my face turn to blue
blue green yellow red.. 
blue green yellow violet..
i've woken i've woken
he's woken the dead !  !  !
start running start shunning
keep running keep running
before he catches you
the chatter the tatter
watch ur blood pitter patter
hide and seek seek to hide !  !
96, 97, 98, 99, 100
they're coming.. he's coming..
i'm shaken i'm taken
fall to my knees burn my pleas
bit by bit, tit for tat
i'm left to bits..
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7..
the sirens the silence
the s i l e n c e !  !  !  !

                                                                  -Shirleen

Wednesday, 24th December 2003, 1:00  I still believe in Santa

Merry Christmas!! Tonite's reaffirmed my belief in Santa.. and the promise that Christmas is the time of magick and miracles! Mummy & Daddy's been too busy the past two years to get our presents personally.. they came home with the Guess watch i'd been eyeing for a long long time.. and then we had a really nice dinner by Singapore river with kor.. Kor got me a really pretty projectshopBLOODbros bag!! striped one!! haha my fav!! and Silly little Kitty who said he didn't get me anything called me at 12.. told me to get up my bed.. and dig behind my soft toys!! there sat a big present!! the very thing i'd asked mummy to get me.. tears just came to my eyes.. i'm sooo touched!! 25th December.. ahh wat a wonderful day!! I'm soo happy!! was grumbling bout how Christmas isn't like wat it used to be.. and today.. i feel as if i'm the same 7yr old little girl amazed by how tall the tree seemed at that time.. tearing through my presents.. getting little hugs and kisses and feeling like the most blessed person in the world.. tonite.. i AM the most blessed person in the world.. Mummy, Daddy, MeiMei.... thanks *loves*  

Wednesday, 31st December 2003, 01:00  end of the year.. the end of her facade..

Wouldn't have much to say about this last day of the year.. went to the temple for 3-steps-1-bow.. i lost count at the 600th kowtow.. my legs buckled walking down the stairs.. was thinking my whole life thru during the 2-half hr process.. was praying for Puppy.. and the tears kept coming.. the past failures.. after that went out with my friends.. just heard sum stuff.. and it confused me even more.. the charades.. the lies.. dun really wanna noe anything anymore.. she leaves me depressed.. having to guess and wonder wat she actually means.. what i actually mean? zit.. nothing.. she has a soul which makes u wanna possess her.. and when u do.. its nothing but an illusion.. but she can never be possessed.. the way she smiles.. her tears.. her hurting.. her words.. breaks down the walls of ur heart.. but maybe cos i'm undeserving...

thinking about my life.. i've made up my mind to study.. yeah i noe i say that every single time before each semester.. but i've been messing up my life long enuff.. i'm sick of myself.. my discipline.. wat discipline.. that word's never existed in my life.. been pretty fustrated these few weeks.. guess its the people around me.. the increasing no. of people.. the facades.. the lies.. the deception.. everything leaves me so empty.. so dead.. the ugliness of this world.. the whole complicated triangle they're rigging makes me sick.. makes me soo sick i just wanna retch.. sick.. i noe this isn't the note to start a new year.. but i haven't really gone to sleep yet.. 
 
18th Nov
Reading ur msg through and through
Like sharp rakes right through my heart
My mind whirls as fast as the wind
Wondering what i did to make my angel cry
As my own tears flowed down my cheeks

Through this friendship that was never smooth
I've put my heart out on the line
I swore i'd never let her down
To take her curse upon myself
How did I become the one who placed the curse upon her heart

My heart leaps when i see her smiles
My heart weeps when i see her tears
How did i cause the tears on her cheeks
That one sentence i spoke
The ultimatum of our friendship

Excuses one after another
Trying to redeem myself in her eyes
Didn't i say it before we were friends?
Didn't i try my damnest as a friend?
All these questions in my head
All the answers never to be spoken
I know i'll never be able to face her ever

I know no matter what i do
I'll never be the one to make you smile
Perhaps I never did before
Just a stupid fantasy that's in my head

She has nothing to lose
But I've lost the smile that warms my heart
Tears break free as i set you free
You mean so much more to me than you'll ever know
Losing you, i've lost a big part of me

All i can ask is if you'll forget my past
That one mistake i made too grave
Remember me as when I gave you my all
I beg you to
Cos the times i shared your tears
Means so much to me

How can i ever help an angel fly
When i stand as ugly as sin beside you
I wish happiness will find ur keep
And you'll remember me as when I tried

Monday, 5th January 2004, 08:00  1st day of school...  

Yesterday was the 1st day of school.. had fever.. still having.. feel kinda reluctant to miss school on the 2nd day.. ironic.. this sem's gonna be really tuff.. Dr said that it'd be 3 times more than the work we're accustomed to.. looking at the overview of the modules.. can already feel the stress.. first day of school and already we've got 1 assignment and 1 project.. God help me.. was really worried about my purple hair.. and yah.. everybody was staring.. but WH.. a lecturer i've always admired and respected.. cos of his vast knowledge, educated mannerisms.. he's always travelling for conferences.. he's kinda strict.. so expected him to comment on my hair.. but he was like "Nice colour.. really unique.. like a japanese doll.." should have seen the colour my face turned into.. we first got acquainted when he noticed that i was on the tv commercial for discovery channel.. and what i admire most about him is with his credentials, he's the least snobbish of them all.. without any airs.. that's what i call a truly educated and successful person.. one who knows his stuff yet humbles and lowers himself from the pedestal to stand amongst the commoners, never once belittling them.. he asked about my aims for his module.. told him A.. was testing me on some of the stuff and he beemed.. you'll get your A's.. really hope this sem i wouldn't let myself down again.. i'm feeling the stress.. the s t r e s s.. but this will be different.. without the emotional torments the last 3 sems were filled with.. everything seems soo good... Really miss my Bao Bei and Dua Huei and Dua Lian!! soo happy to see them today.. and Bao Biao.. and Dua N**.. but Dua Lian wun be with us anymore.. i'm just soo excited about school!! I'm speechless.. my heart's bursting with soo much joy!! 

Monday, 20th January 2004, 04:00  sweetness..  

This week was hectic.. just felt like i would break in school.. the work's mountaining.. i'm fountaining.. k.. doing too much work begets lameness.. helped mum & dad with the shipment on Saturday.. and drove around with mum from outlet to outlet displaying.. was having my cramps.. haven't had dinner or a drink since 3pm.. and it was 10 pm.. slept for 3 hrs consecutively for 2 nites.. slouched over the merchandises.. i nearly bawled... Y E S.. i nearly bawled in public!! worked with mummy and daddy today and on last wed.. soo fun.. can't wait to get out of school and start working with them.. really love the lunches where they'll snatch food and drink and even sweets to see who gives me the better thing.. and the way they goad each other on who dotes on me more.. i'm turning 21.. and yet it feels like i'm getting smaller and younger by the day.. with Mummy Daddy pampering me.. i think i'm going to become a spoilt reliant brat!! Wei~! ok.. i'm not complaining.. people used to complain that my blog is disgustingly depressed.. i think i'll start receiving complaints that its disgustingly mushy and sweet.. but my life is soo sweet.. its always been.. even though things go wrong i know i still have my mummy and daddy.. and that's the sweetest thing that can ever happen to me.. i love you!!! *mmuackss* just when i thought that my life's the sweetest it can ever be.. they just surprise me at how much sweeter it can be.. its like it knows no limit.. yet again, love knows no boundaries.. and they've shown me how true it really is.. 

went shopping with mei yesterday.. and bought two pairs of shoes!! a pair of striped pants, the skirt i've been eyeing.. and $300 worth of Victoria's Secret clothes.. i'm sooo in love with VS!! can't get enough of their clothes.. getting more after CNY!! oh no.. i'm addicted!! bought another pair of shoes today.. and lotsa tops.. and another pair of nice nice shoes from Victoria's Secret!! went shopping with Mummy today for a while.. yes.. haven't done my assignments.. i'll do it before CNY.. so i'll have the whole CNY free!! pray please that i'll not win the procrastinator of the year award for the 15th consecutive year this time!! I LOVE!!!!!! Mummy, Daddy, Sylvia, Puppy and Me Me Me!! i Love being me!! the most blessed person in the world!! *mmmuackss*

Friday, 6th February 2004, 18:00  * .*   Kisses 

*.*.. that's exactly how my bunny looks like.. its a little mini lop/netherland dwarf!! got it for my sis's birthday.. and because i couldn't resist her!! we're waiting for Hershey's to come along.. so we'll have Hershey's Kisses!! she's such a darling!! really adventurous and curious.. when you walk near her cage.. she'll look up expectantly for pats and cuddles!! sooo cute!! *mmuacks* 

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