The Haunted Outhouse, Part 8

Book Three That Was Never Meant To Be

Chapter 66

It was eight in the morning and ST. Taw, Lucy, IS and Will B were sipping coffee standing in a secluded section of forest somewhere near the Decave.

"Why are we here instead of at the entrance?" IS said.

"The bastards have sealed it up." St. Taw replied.

"What's your plan?" Lucy asked.

"We're going in from back here. Will B will start digging. When I was in the Decave I saw a master plan of it and at one time there had been a rear entrance. OK, Will B, let's get going. IS, do you mind helping him? It'll go faster that way."

"Why aren't you digging, Alex?" Lucy asked.

"Bad back."

As it turned out, no further help was needed, and in about an hour of digging, an old door was exposed.

"This must be it. Good job, IS and Will B. Will B, you can go back to the truck and do some fuding. How many shovelfuls?"

"432. At five dollars a shovelfull, that'll be 2,160 dollars."

"And well worth it. Here you go, my boy. Do you mind hanging around if we need you again?"

"As long as there's fud and beer, I'll be here."

St. Taw then spoke to IS and Lucy, "Why don't we take a look?"

IS was nervous as he, Lucy, and St. Taw walked through the dark tunnel toward the front of Decave. Something moved and there was a flash and a bark from Lucy's 44 magnum. About thirry feet further up a dead rat lay on the ground.

"Nice shooting, Lucy." IS said.

IS's nervousness didn't come from fear but from anticipation of what would they would find in Decave. Being the official Texalina historian might be a bigger job than he realized.

+++

They finally reached the front of the cave. St. Taw lit two lamps and went over to the bookshelf and got 'Lower Alcolu in 1642'. He handed it to IS."

"Take a look at page 58. I think you'll find it rather interesting."

IS held the book very carefully and turned to page 58. He began to read out loud.

"How about the rumor that the Sams established a lot of settlements that later changed hands when they decided to get out of the settlement bidness: Sam Diego, Sam Francisco, Sam Antonio, etc. The rumor is that the lack of local pig producers ticked off Sam Central (later changed to South Carolina), so they called all the Sam settlement managers back home. Bellys were more open to using horse and even cow for their BBQ, so they moved into some of the abandoned markets, beginning in what they thought was Florida."

"Hot damn!" cried out IS, "I didn't know that! But I thought the most important Texalina settlements had the prefix San not Sam. This is an incredible historical find."

"I'm proud of you, IS." Lucy fought to hold back the tears.

"You're just beginning, son." said St. Taw.

"Oh, you mean towns like San Joe', San Debacle', San John', San Manse', etc. all originally began with the prefix Sam, but when the Sams dropped their sponsorship, the prefix was changed to San? But why San?" said St. Taw.

"That's a good question and as the official Texalina historian I plan to find out." IS said this with a determination that Lucy had never noticed before.

IS had taken a speed reading course at North Galbutt Junior College and at page 497 he stopped to read out loud again.

"The Sams and the Bellys feuded for over three hundred years until when in 1912 a mysterious stranger showed up in a town called Texarkana. His name was Gross Pearoot and he advocated a system that would bring balance to the world. Everyone thought he was crazy except Hosanna Belly who was visiting from Dime box with her husband, Tubebacher Belly (all his friends called him Two B). Hosanna convinced Two B that Pearoot was right and they traded three cows for his book, "LA at the Dawn of Time" which explained the AL-LA system and how balance could be obtained by introducing an arbitrary way of looking things using the letters LA and AL into everyday conversation. Hosanna who was kin to the Sams through a third cousin, Merryweather Sam, in Mississippi, contacted the Sams in North Galbutt and informed them of her great discovery. This led to the Great Belly-Sam Summit of 1921 in Atlanta where the Bellys and Sams patched up their differences and agreed to split Texalina up into east and west sections with the Sams ruling the east and the Bellys the west. That division has continued to this day."

St. Taw spoke up, "Hey, I thought that book was written in 1642."

"It was, " IS replied, "but we're talking A.T. (Anno Tubebacher) time now."

"Oh," said St. Taw and realized he needed a drink. Bad.

Chapter 67

"We need to get moving. Those Bellys may show up at any moment." St. Taw said.

"The truth is bigger than you and me, Alex." IS said.

"So are the Bellys." St. Taw replied.

IS ignored that last remark. "Listen to this from page 592:

"What I have heard, and this is all pretty well hearsay and theresay, is that the settlements were changed from Sams to Sans when new management took over the settlements. They spoke Spanish instead of Samish, so they pretty well had to. A Samish sect that broke away, the Amish, also had its own ideas about naming, with less preference for "S." Might be wrong, but I have verified this in four barber shops now, so I think it has some merit. "

Just then a loud noise was heard outside the front of Decave. "Let's get out of here!, " cried St. Taw, "and this time it's not a request."

They made it back to the back entrance of Decave in record time. When they reached the truck, they found Will B in the back of it taking a nap. Scattered around him were a dozen empty moon pie packages and at least a half dozen empty Old Mil cans.

After they had caught their breath, St. Taw asked IS, "What's this A.T. stuff you talking about? How can you know something before it happens?"

IS took a strawberry soda from Lucy, "A.T. stands for Anno Tubebacher and is a deriviative of the great S. M. Tubebacher's theory that time flowed backwards like a carpet unfolding as opposed to the convential idea that it flowed forward. He called this theory T.U. or Time Unfolding. Back in 1642 WAS was in tune with T.U. That's why he could write about the future with such uncanny accuracy."

"I get around in most of the academic circles. You'd think I would have heard of this Tubebacher fellow." St. Taw said.

"I'm not surprised." IS replied.

"Why's that?" St. Taw didn't like thinking somebody knew something he didn't.

"Because he hasn't been born yet." IS said, taking a big gulp of strawberry soda. 

Will B woke up. "Dadgummit, I'm starvin'! Come on fellas let's head back to the B6 for some fud!"

St. Taw was about to agree that that might be a good idea when a series of groans emanated from behind a nearby bush. Lucy yanked out her 44 Magnum and immediately took charge.

"Everybody, down! I'll check it out."

Lucy walked slowly over to the bush and carefully looked behind it. She saw a man there. He was wearing what could only be described as a prison uniform. An escaped convict, thought Lucy.

"Get up, you varmint! And don't try anything funny. I've got a 44 Magnum pointing straight at your head."

The man got up slowly. He was obviously in a great deal of pain. Lucy was relentless, however. "What's your name and what are you doing here?"

'My name is Jeremiah Jacuzzi and I'm here because I found Decave but I was cheated out of it by a sneaky blonde named Booty."

IS, who had been keeping up with the story in the Chattanooga Choo-Choo, interjected, "The girl's name is Buffy and she's the real hero. You, on the other hand, tried your best to cheat Mathis out of its true heritage, as well as give the great university of Texas A&M a black name."

Jacuzzi's face turned red, "Why you scrawny, chicken-neck, little geek, I'm going to tear you from limb to limb." IS, who was anything but a coward, prepared to defend himself, but before Jacuzzi's could take two steps toward him, Lucy had landed a karate chop to Jacuzzi's chest, knocking him straight to the ground. Needless to say, he was unconscious.

Lucy then said to Will B, "Throw this jerk in the back of the truck. Let's go to the B6. I'm kinda hungry myself."

Chapter 68

The Mathis B6 was crowded with a full lunch crowd. The Blue Plate Special was bar-b-que beef on rice with a medley of beans and tofu.

Tofu? No way!

Luckily, there was one table available by the front window so St. Taw, Lucy, IS, Will B, and Jacuzzi (who had shakily regained consciousness) sat down at it.

They all ordered the BPS. St. Taw said, "OK, Jacuzzi, we'll buy you lunch and give you twenty minutes to convince us you were treated unjustly. Fail to do so and you're back behind a bush, only this time barely breathing."

Jacuzzi took a deep breath then responded, "As you or may not know, up until a few weeks ago, I was a respected archaeologist at A&M. I specialized in outhouses and BCBTRs (Broken Commodes By The Road). For years I had heard of a haunted outhouse just north of Corpus. I finally got the funds to check it out. I brought along with me two graduate assistants, Jaguar Jetson and a cute, blonde named Bipsy or Bandy or something like that."

Will B spoke up, "Ole Jag? That's my cousin!"

Jacuzzi continued, "Well, anyway, we did find the haunted outhouse and everything was going great. We were finding artifacts you wouldn't believe. Next thing you know, I'm in jail in College Station, my Phd revoked and my career in shambles. A couple days ago I managed to escape and I thumbed rides until I got here. When I saw the cave entrance sealed I decided to hide in the bushes until an opportunity came along for me to gain entrance. I knew the only chance to redeem myself was to show the world what I had found and explain that I meant to share it with the world. It was a crazy plan but I was desperate."

St. Taw had finished his first BPS and was waiting for the second one, "Nice story, but why we should we believe you?"

Jeremiah looked St. Taw straight in the eye, "Because I'm the Trans-Sans Man."

St. Taw dropped his fork.

When Will B saw St. Taw drop his fork, he said, "I don't blame you. I git tired of using them things myself."

IS was getting excited again, "You gotta be joking, Jacuzzi. You can't be the legendary TSM."

"Oh, yes, I can , " Jeremiah wearily replied. "I've been the TSM going on five years now. And I can't wait until my ten year term is over."

IS seemed offended, "Most people would consider it an honor."

"I'm a busy man, or at least I was. TSMing takes up most of my discretionary time."

"So you the guy I've been talking to in the OM trances?" St. Taw said.

"That's right, but don't feel too special. I average about 25 OM trance appearances every day. 35 on weekends."

"How did you get the job?"

"Wrong place at the wrong time. Apparently, TSMs frequent abandoned outhouses." Jeremiah then finished off his third BPS. "Hey, Brouhau, you got any rhubard pie?"

Jeremiah then asked St. Taw, "Any doubts about me now?"

"No, looks like we're all on the same team now." An what a team! A pistol packing blonde, a skinny geek named IS, a giant Belly named Will B, the Trans-Sans Man who was a fugitive from justice, and himself, a burnt out professor of Natural Movements who hadn't had a bowel movement in three days.

We don't stand a chance against Buffy, he thought.

+++

IS who was more and more growing in stature as an objective historian asked Jacuzzi,

"How do you explain the seemingly contradictory fact that you are pretty much a jerk in real life, yet serve as a spiritual guide in the drug-induced netherworld?"

"First of all, I don't consider myself a jerk. Yes, I'm ruthless, ambitious, and highly competitive. But what Aggie professor isn't?"

"Good point," IS conceded, "but still everyone who has encountered you while under OM has said that you were polite, patient, and understanding."

"It's the training."

St. Taw who had been stunned but had regained some of his composure said, "Well, be that as it may, we need to consider the situation. What do we hope to accomplish and how can we accomplish it."

"No five year plans, please." Lucy almost whimpered.

"Whatever we do, we need to protect the fud supplies." Will B said.

"No matter what, the truth must come out." IS said.

"I just want my reputation back." This was Jeremiah.

"As for me, a BM is in order." St. Taw got up and walked to the outhouse in the back.

Nothing like a good bowel movement in a Double A (Archie Abercrombie) outhouse well stocked with Liz Post facial quality tissue paper. St. Taw had always felt emptying the colon was tantamount to clearing the brain.

The others were standing around the truck when he got back to the parking lot? "Who paid?"

Will B replied, "Brouhau said it was on the house. She thinks you kinda cute."

"Ok, what's next?" Lucy was getting impatient. She wanted some action.

St. Taw didn't disappoint her. "We're storming Decave and taking it over."

A big cheer went up from everyone.

Chapter 69

The motley bunch returned to Decave, only this time they were headed for the front entrance. About a quarter pull mile away they stopped and Lucy brought out her binoculaurs.

"It's being guarded."

"No surprise there. How many?" St. Taw said.

"Ten. It's the Decadian Guard." A whoa went through the group.

"That's some tough hombres, I heard." Will B said.

IS just happened to have a copy of the latest program for the Decadian Guard. He volunteered, "As recently as of last week, the ten members are as follows:

"1) Misgow Chen - female Chinese warrior.
"2) Zagu Zazbu - female Irani warrior
"3) Tuffy Spot - male Argentinian bolo dancer
"4) Wensky Shar - male Zulu warrior
"5) Attu Finnish - male Eskimo otter hunter
"6) Jackson Five - female Canadian decathloner
"7) Toto Toto - male Japanese sumu wrestler
"8) Curly Smorite - female American soccer player
"9) Greta Whalebone - female American cable broadcaster
"10) Careto Thewind - female British poet"

"What an ensemble! Think we can handle them?"

"Do we have a choice?"

"I'd like to think so."

"I'm going in. Are you coming?"

"Can I pee first?"

"How come no white American males?"

"They can't finish Decadian boot camp."

"Let's go!"

What will happen? Will the Decadian Guard rout the invaders? Will Decave be open to all races and creeds or will it be under the domination of a ruthless, multi-national corporation that feeds upon the poor and disenfranchised of the world?

Who knows?

Chapter 70

This was no surprise attack. The Decadian Guard, all ten of them, were ready for them. They met head on just in front of the sealed entrance to Decave. The DG were all recognized world-class hand to hand combat fighters and for that reason, and also because they were looking for some kick-ass fun, they decided to leave their weapons behind. Big mistake. Sure, St. Taw, Jacuzzi and IS were practically useless in such a situation but the DG were sadly underestimating the offensive firepower of Lucy and Will B. A big belly Belly in hand to hand combat is nothing less than a natural force to be reckoned with; add to that Lucy who had served for five years in the KGB (the last two as a counter-spy for the CIA), and who had been recruited to play football at Notre Dame, Oklahoma, and Alabama, as well as asked to try out at rookie camps in the NFL and NHL, and you have the makings of a rout. It was over in less than five minutes. Lucy, however, was not celebrating her victory. "I'd say we have ten minutes before reinforcements are here, and this time they'll be more than even me and Will B can handle."

St. Taw shouted, "Let's go in Decave and work as quickly as possible."

Once inside, St.Taw located 'Lower Alcolu in 1642' and put in it his carrying case. IS said, "Hey, look at this." He held up a book entitled 'The Symbolic Soul: A Visitor From Japan Visits and Describes the Kingdom of Texalina in 1848.' It was written by the reknowned 19th century author, Dowanko Tokyco.

"Throw it in St. Taw's bag with the other book. I hear choppers!" Lucy cried out.

They then departed rapidly through the back entrance, prized possessions in tow.

They had successfully made their escape and were ensconsed in IS's and Lucy's Winnebago, just outside of Mathis near an abandoned nuclear power plant. IS was pouring through Tokyco's book stopping periodically to report to the group on any extra-special findings. One page 114 he came to one. He read out loud:

"Just last night I (Tokyco) listened to a traveling troubador at the Bull-by-the-Balls Tavern in San Capslock' near the Mississippi River in West Texalina. He called himself, or rather the crowd called called him, 'Country Kilometer'. In East Texalina he is apparently known as 'Country Mile'. The difference in names is due to the continuing feud between the Sams in ET and the Bellys in WT. WT, in an effort to assume distance and independence from ET has adopted the metric system, thus the 'Country Mile' change to 'Country Kilometer'.

"The most interesting song sung by CK was a little ditty he wrote himself entitled 'Symbols of the Soul'. The song appears to be lamenting what Occidentalists might call the over-ripening of symbols in Texalina."

At this point, Jacuzzi, jumped up and grabbed the book, "Let me look at that! Tokyco is implying that CK was not searching for the symbols of his soul but rather they were too many symbols and he needed to get rid of some of them."

'Impossible," St. Taw said, "the Texalina legend has always alluded to symbols lost, not to too many of them."

IS took the book back. "I'm the official Texalina historian and I believe it's my duty to report the truth no matter how painful. Now if you please I will read on." IS turned the page:

'Country Kilometer spoke to the crowd and told them this was to be his last public appearance. He could no longer live and work in a divided Texalina. And with those words, he sung 'Symbols of the Soul' that concluded with these lyrics: 'Symbols, Symbols of my Soul, Lord, them ole symbols, are out of control.''

When IS finished reading, there was a stunned silence in the Winnebago that lingered on for several minutes. Finally, Jacuzzi spoke,

"All these years, we've been searching for symbols, when all along they were all around us, so many of them in fact, that they blended into what we thought was normal life, and we became blind to the symbols, and in so doing, the symbols lost their meaning, and mutated into a cancer that is destroying Texalina."

"I couldn't have it said it better myself." Will B said.

"There's only thing we can do." St. Taw said.

"And what might that me?" Lucy asked.

"Broadcast it to all of Texalina." Jacuzzi grimly said.

Chapter 71

While sitting in his office in the Texas A&M archeology department, polishing his fourteen inch spade, Jaguar heard his cell phone beep.  He answered, hearing, "Hi Jag, it's Maria Franklin.  Got a situation here.  You know Doctor Jeremiah Jacuzzi, right, Aggie archeology prof.?"

Jaguar said, "Shoot yes.  Sorry sumbitch is what he is.  Don't know the first thing about..."

Franklin interrupted, saying "Right, that guy.  Here's the deal, Jag.  Jacuzzi is saying he has Decave artifacts.  If he's telling the truth, that means you missed them, since we've documented that the Decave hadn't been opened before you discovered it.  If you did miss some stuff, I can cover for you.  What I need to know, like right now, is whether Jacuzzi's story is plausible.  Here's what you're going to do.  Get down to Mathis right now, get clearance to inspect Decave, and see if you missed a search area.  Got it?"

Jaguar said, "Jacuzzi's a liar!  Shoot no, I didn't miss anything!  Dadgum right I..."

Franklin interrupted, "Go check it out, Jag.  It's got to be done.  Now."

+++

Jaguar immediately drove to Mathis.  He picked up Bobby Don Hernandez to come along with his key to the hatch in the concrete Decave cover.  Jaguar then lowered himself into the Decave with a rope tied to the bumper of his pick-up.  After a few minutes, he climbed out of the Decave and called Dr. Franklin, "Doc, I screwed up.  There's a bunch of bookcases around a corner down there that I didn't see.  Hell, there's still books on 'em.  It's a small area, way in the back, but I missed it.  I done a sorry hole, doc, there ain't no two ways about it."

Franklin said, "OK, here's the deal.  I've got you covered; this is no problem.  The Aggies will get the stuff Jacuzzi found.  They'll have a minor Decave Collection, and we'll have the major collection.  That's the way it always works with Aggies and UT.  Hell, I was going to have to give them some of what we have sooner or later, or the legislature was going to get pissed.  Aggies always have to get something when you're talking about Texas historical artifacts.  Now, I don't have to bother.  Jacuzzi doesn't seem to know it, but he's got tenure at A&M, so they can't fire him, no matter what he's been told by that milk science chancellor over there.  He can archive and display his collection all he wants and shoot his mouth off till the cows come home to his Aggie chancellor, as long as it's at A&M.  He'll be happy, we'll be happy and the legislature will stay off our backs.  I'll get the Aggie chancellor in on this when I hang up with you.  No problem.

"Now, Jag, just between me and you, you did screw up, big time.  You were contracted to run the Decave dig.  That was one of those documents you signed without reading it.  Jag, on every dig you run, you're responsible for surveying, documenting and photographing every square inch of the dig area, before and after it's been disturbed.  Don't ever let this happen again.  You do outstanding work in most dig areas and I want you to continue working in the field.  Don't ever skip the details again, OK?"

Jaguar said, "You're right, doc.  I done downright sorry is what I done.  Sorry I let you down."

Franklin said, "Forget it, just don't do it again.  Listen, here's what you do next.  Get all that other stuff out of there, and make damn sure you don't miss anything this time.  Store it with the City Of Mathis.  It's their property.  We'll tell A&M where it's at, and they can talk to the City Of Mathis about it.  Don't even think about bringing any of that stuff to UT.  Our deal is completed, and we're set with the collection we have on hand.  We'll set up some kind of cooperative program with the Aggies to fill in research gaps between the two bodies of material.  Just another strain of bullshit, really, but it keeps folks in my field working.  Get it done, Jag.  No more screw-ups, OK?"

Jaguar said, "You got it, doc, at least I sure hope so.  I'm gonna walk around that place a hundred times before I leave it again." 

Chapter 72

Later that evening, Jaguar drove to the line shack on the Belly Place and walked inside.  Buffy said, "Hi Darlin'!  Dadgum good to see you!"  Buffy reached out to hug Jaguar, but he walked past her.  He grabbed the OM bottle and broke it.  Then he sat down and held is head in his hands.

Buffy said, "What the hell!  What on earth is it now?"

Jaguar said, "Buf, I ain't good enough for you.  I done downright sorry on the Decave.  Missed a whole mess of what was in there.  Dug a sorry hole, Buf.  You ought not be in any deal with me, I can tell you that.  Reckon I must have a sorry streak in me that I just didn't know about."

Buffy sat down on the bed beside Jaguar, saying, "Jag, that's flat dumb.  You've got to stop leaping to all these conclusions like a dadgum bull in a china shop. 

"Look, I know all about the Decave stuff you didn't get out the first time.  Maria talked to me about it, and it's under control.  Looks like I'll be doing the A&M liaison work if I want to do it.  Sure, you overlooked some stuff you should have catalogued.  But, dadgum it, Jag, that doesn't make you sorry!  It doesn't mean much at all, except that you get so focused on one thing sometimes, you tend to miss other stuff you really ought to be looking at.  Get your eyes out of the dirt every once in a while, and see the bigger hole! 

"Good grief, Jag, I'm supposed to be the one breaking the bottle if I want out of the deal.  You just can't go around thinking you've got to handle everyone's bottles, see?"

Jaguar said, "That's the only way I know, Buf..."

Buffy interrupted, "Well, you better learn some new ways, dadgum it!  Like Belly Ways, for starters.  Jag, you grew up with folks who look out for each other, even when they're wrong, and Belly Ways tell them how to do it.  Belly Rules cover just about any situation life is going to throw at folks, and they work pretty well most of the time as long as Belly are following Belly Rules.  I think you need to decide if you're a Belly at heart.  I think I am, at least I'd lke to be, but I'm not sure about you."

Jaguar said, "Well, wait a minute there.  I was born Belly..."

Buffy replied, "And I was born Eyskin.  You really think that makes me just like my dad?  It's not that simple, Jag.  What's in your soul and mine doesn't have a thing to do with our folks.  What goes into our souls is up to us.  We all make our choices about how we're going to nurture what makes us us.  That's what I'm coming to think."

Jaguar said, "Well, I reckon I will allow as how I ain't learned me many of those Belly Ways.  Guess I thought being Belly was enough.  Maybe you're onto something, Buf."

Buffy said, "Dadgum right I'm onto something!  There's plenty I don't know, but I do know that you don't learn good stuff unless you look for it or just get lucky, and if you've got your head full of bad stuff, there's not going to be room for anything else, even if you luck into good stuff.  Belly Ways are good stuff!  Looking at all the history, sacrifice and thought that went into developing them, I'm sure I'm not good enough to deserve to live with them.  But I don't have to be!  All I have to do is try to follow them the best I can, and I reckon I get Belly Ways working for me anyway. 

"Hell, Jag, just a few days ago, I thought my life was irreversibly screwed up.  Yet, just by tapping into Belly Ways, now I don't have to worry about any of that stuff now.  I'm not going back!  At least, not if I can help it. 

"Here's an example of how Belly Ways can work really well, Jag, at least I think they do.  I've got your wullet, and I have almost a year to either give it back or close the breedin' deal with you, the legal deal.  You're mine!  The bottle's broken, so I guess a part of my claim is compromised now.  I'm not straight on exactly what that means, but I do know that if you close a breedin' deal with anyone besides me during the next year, you'll be on the wrong side of Belly Ways.  Even you ought to know that's no place to be.

"So, here's what I have in mind to do, Jag.  I'm going to spend the next few months learning more about Belly Ways and getting as good as I can at practicing them.  Then, I"ll have a better idea what's inside me, and you will too.  I'll also have a better idea what's inside you, Jag, and maybe you will as well if you start studying and practicing Belly Ways instead of just taking them for granted the way you have all your life, see?"

Jaguar said, "You're saying that Belly Ways will tell you what's under the ground before you're stuck the shovel in there?"

Buffy said, "Sometimes, and other times, they'll tell you when to change shovels, when to bring in the backhoe, and when to just run away from the hole and cover it up because it's the wrong dadgum place to dig.  They don't take away all the work of observing and digging, but they can save a lot of wasted effort and time, see?"

Jaguar said, "Well, shoot, I sure wouldn't mind that!  How'd you get so smart about Belly Ways when I've been around 'em all my life, and I didn't see a dadgum bit of what you're talkin' about?"

Buffy said, "I guess I was just looking for them, Jag, that's all."

Jaguar said, "I think I'd like to do me some learnin', Buf.  Can you teach me?"

Buffy said, "I'll tell you what I know.  I don't think I know all that much, though.  That's why I'm here, at least I want to be here.  Staying here on the Belly Place long enough to really learn a lot has been pretty hard.  And now, I guess I'll have to stay at UT a while longer than I had in mind, to patch up your screw-up.  You know what, though, Belly Rules say that's what I have to do, just like Belly Rules said your mama had to get me bailed out of the mess I stepped into a few days ago, Bobby Don and Johnny Juan had to do their parts, and who know what other Bellys I don't even know about jumped right in, getting me out of a mess.  Belly Rules are good dadgum rules, Jag."

Jaguar said, "Maybe I'm seein' what you're talkin' 'bout, Buf.  You get me out of the Decave mess, and I ain't got to feel all sorry about it, 'cause I'll pay you back by gettin' you out of a mess sometime, or gettin' some other Belly out of a mess, and that would pay you back too, even if it wasn't you I was payin' back, at least not directly.  Ain't nothin' to fee sorry about then, 'cause I'll pay for the sorry by helpin' out somebody else that's done sorry.  That it?"

Buffy said, "Jag, I believe that's the central essence of Belly Ways.  I'm no expert, but I think that's just about got it."

Jaguar said, "Well, shoot, I think I like that!  How'd I miss all this stuff?  Sorry 'bout breakin' the bottle again.  I thought I was supposed to."

Buffy said, "There's no sorrys in Belly Ways!  At least, I don't think there are.  Belly Rules take care of all that, as far as I know.  Sorrys are a waste of time, if you ask me.  Skip the time and effort spent on sorrys, and people would have a whole lot more time to use discovering the symbols of their souls.  I tell you more about that when I have a better handle on it, see."   

Jaguar said, "Well, alright.  You want to drain another one?"

Buffy said, "Are you crazy?  Not until I've checked in with uncle D.B.  I'm going to find out what kind of fine you'd owe.  You've got to do your Belly Rules research before trying to practice this stuff, see?  Uncle D.B. knows OM rules coming and going, I can tell you that.  I'll just bet that when you break a bottle before you're paid your fine for the last one, the fines add up in a hurry, like compound interest, maybe.  I like that a lot, see."

Jaguar said, "Shoot, I can see that.  Oh well, I guess them's the rules.  Anyway, what in the world is this symbols of the soul business you keep talkin' about?"

Buffy said, "I'm not altogether sure, but I think I'm getting closer.  I tell you more later."

Chapter 73

Jaguar drove back to Mathis.  Buffy had given him instructions on how to properly pack the additional Decave artifacts he had withdrawn earlier in the day.  He'd screwed up again, but not so bad this time.  He simply hadn't used the boxes and packing materials that were optimal for storing fragile artifacts.  

Buffy walked over to the Dime Box B6 to talk with D.B.  She found him fuding.  Sitting down beside him, she said, "Mr. Belly, I need some information about OM rules.  Jag just broke the bottle again, days after we had drained it.  So, while he still has close to a year to go on his fine, he'll have another fine coming if we drain another one, so..."

Suddenly startled, D.B. exhaled a stream of fud halfway across the restaurant and exclaimed, "You funnin' me?!  You done hit the dadgum jackpot!  Shoot!  I done tried an tried ta git me one a them double-bustin' OM fines off a Bertha Mae, and I ain't never even come close, an that there's after a mess a years a tryin'.  Dadgum it, Miz Buffy, you done got you one, an you ain't done hardly no OMin at all!  It ain't fair, dadgum it!"  Clearly deeply distraught, D.B. stared down at his fud, sitting motionless.

Buffy didn't know what to say, but after over two minutes of silence, she softly said, "Well, Mr. Belly, maybe I could try giving you some tips."

D.B. said, "I sure wisht you would, dadgum it.  Wudn't do no dadgum good, though!  Shoot, you must have the OM fine gift is what you must have.  Reckon I just ain't got the gift is what I ain't got.  Sure does make me mad though, is what it makes me.  I don't know how I coulda done no more ta git Bertha Mae ta do a double bustin'!  Just ain't got the gift, and that there's all they are to it."

Buffy said, "Well, could we get on with the terms of the rule?"

D.B. said, "Shoot, you don't know?  Good night, everbody knows!  Dadgum jackpot!  Them reglur OM fines is nice - tellin' 'em ta do the one thang ever day like makin' a pie or what not.  But, goodness sakes, you git a double buster, you git ta run 'em like a dog!  Tell 'em what to do all day long!  Ever dadgum day for a dadgum year!  And they got ta do it!  Shoot, I done thought and thought 'bout what I'd have Bertha Mae do on a double-buster fine.  I'd have her feed the pig an steer an chicken in the mornin' so's I wouldn't have to stop my mornin' fudin', then I'd have her make me a pie ever dadgum hour!  Two, three some hour!  Then I'd have her butcher the dadgum pig an steer so's I wouldn't have to stop my later-in-the-morin' fudin', an shoot, go git them minners off a Bobby Dan  ever dadgum mornin', and load up the smoker, course, she better unload the dadgum smoker too an better not be late, dadgum it, nor early neither, and tote them Mickey boxes over to the barn, and go git the..."

Buffy interrupted, "In other words, the breedin' partner that does a double-bustin' and wants another deal pretty well becomes a slave for a year?"

D.B. continued, "...dadgum right, and makin' me a cake ever hour, ever dadgum hour!  And makin' sure she's playin' real nice Mr. Gene Autry on the 8-track all dadgum day in place a that sorry soundin' mess, and feedin' them dog, but at the right dadgum time, see, not just when they bellerin'!  And cleanin' out the Rollin' Outhouse, give it a purty polishin' too, and goin' for Mun Pie four time a day over to College Station so's they real nice an fresh, oh, maybe five..."

Buffy quietly slipped out of the B6 as D.B. continued to list the details of his double-bustin' fine fantasy, still staring blankly at the fud on his plate.  Tears oozed from his eyes, forming tiny translucent Moon Pie shapes on his cheeks before they trickled down to his plate, slowly making a mess of the gravy on his mashed potatoes.  D.B. wistfully sensed the reality that some dreams are just not meant to be, and the resulting internal conflict caused him to be temporarily distracted from fuding, a noteworthy event in Belly history. 

Chapter 74   

IS was skeptical of Jacuzzi's idea to get the news to all of Texalina.

"You know, Texalina is only a state of mind. Cable lines are all local efforts."

Jacuzzi was nonplussed, "I know a little rag run out of Calallen by an old college chum of mine. It may be small but you'd be surprised how many influential people read it."

IS who one day wanted to be a great newspaper editor got excited, "Give me the directions!"

In about thirty minutes, the Winnebago was stopping at the office of 'The Balance of Things', a monthly magazine owned and operated by Tom Aint, who was also its editor.

Aint was sitting behind his desk when St. Taw, IS, and Jacuzzi walked in. Lucy and Will B stayed at the Winnebago to be on the lookout for members of the Decadian Revenge Squad.

Aint was first to speak, "Well, if it aint my ole Aggie Buddy, Jeremiah Jacuzzi. And a fugitive from justice. I'm proud of you, boy. Who's these fellas you got with you?"

"Alex St. Taw, professor of Natural Movements at Berkeley, and IS, official Texalina historian."

"Nice to you meet you St. Taw. I enjoy your work, especially your book on that ole time outhousing."

"Thanks. Do you have an AA in the back?"

"Of course, help yourself. And nice to meet you too IS"

"Same here Aint".

Jacuzzi was impatient, "Tom, we need your help. I want my reputation back and the only way to do that is to get some important information out to Texalina that proves I'm not some opportunistic gravedigger."

"Well, I'm be glad to help but my circulation is only around a thousand."

"Isn't one of those thousand the president of A&M, who is a closet outhouser?"

"Yep, that's right, but I'll never admit saying that. So what's this great story?"

Jacuzzi then asked IS to show Aint the book about Country Kilometer, especially the pages concerning the overloading of the symbols. After three hours of back and forth discussion between IS and Aint, Aint said to Jacuzzi. "I think we got it. It just happens we're due to be printed day after tomorrow. The Aggie Prez should be reading it this time next week."

Jacuzzi's face showed some slight relaxation, "Thanks Tom, that'll give me time."

"Time for what?"

"To catch on my OM sessions. There's a big backlog."

And with that Jacuzzi disappeared in a cloud of smoke. Aint spoke to IS, "Enjoyed working with you IS. You'll make a fine editor one day."

IS thanked Aint and he and St. Taw walked back to the Winnebago where Lucy and Will B were on guard.
Will B said, 'I'm starvin'!"

Lucy said, "What else is new? Let's get this thing moving. We're sitting ducks."

The three looked at St. Taw, "Where to now?"

"I don't know."

+++

Once again, the Winnebago had found a secluded but different spot not too far away from Decave.

"Why back here? Don't you think we could be spotted?" Lucy was cleaning her 44 magnum.

"I don't why I told IS to return. It seemed like I had no choice in the matter." St. Taw absently minded sipped his bourbon as he spoke.

"You mean like a voice speaking inside of your mind?" Lucy was now sharpening her bowie knife.

"Could it have been the Trans-Sans Man?" asked IS.

"No, the voice was feminine." St. Taw replied and took a look outside. It was nice. The sun had broken through the clouds.

"Well, we should do something." Lucy said.

St. Taw glanced over at Lucy and sighed, "I guess we could WATTY-HO." The words were barely out of his mouth when St. Taw felt himself being lifted out of the chair.

"No, Lucy!" IS cried out, ""Alex didn't mean anything vulgar by that remark. He knows you are a lady no matter if you can take out the Iranian army out all by yourself. He's talking about some Abercrombian rite of evaluating information."

Lucy put St. Taw down in his chair and went back to her chair. Alex pulled himself together and said, "As I was saying we could WATTY-HO, which is, Walkin' And Talkin' By Yourself - With Others'. Archie recommended it as a last resort."

They all agreed they had nothing to lose by trying it, except for Will B, for whom it would have meant interrupting fuding time, and so they went out of the Winnebago to do some WATTY-HOing.

After a few minutes, IS said, "What symbols do we keep and which do we discard?"

"What do you mean?" Alex said.

"We can all agree that the outhouse is the central unifying symbol of Texalina. It represents all the things that Texaliners value: personal interaction with nature, contact with the wild, denial of too much comfort, affordability, and thanks to Deep Belly, moveability. It is the ultimate Texalina symbol."

"Yes, all that is true, and I go into great detail about all those things in my books. But what's your point?" St. Taw said.

IS replied, "For many, many years the outhouse had no competition as the symbol of Texalina. Then in the early 1800s more and more symbols came along such as tasty bbq, positive uncertainty, Old Milwaukee, the number ten, the LA-AL system, the Trans-Sans system, Anno Tuberbacher time, and many more that I can't even remember. Like Country Kilometer said, the symbols got out of control."

"You may be on to something, my boy." St. Taw said.

"And now the symbolic soul of Texalina is so cluttered, Texaliners cannot find the symbols of their own souls. It would seem that we are all lost, caught up in a world not of our own making. And the outhouse that once symbolized the greatness of our land, is abandoned and in ruins, haunted by what was and what might have been."

As IS finished speaking, the clouds returned, and the rain began to fall.

Chapter 75

The rain was falling steadily now and St. Taw, IS, and Lucy were back in the Winnebago. Not that rain was bad for WATTYing, it was just the three did not feel any desire to get wet.

Will B was snoozing. Oprah was on the small TV. The Winnebago's air conditioner was working nicely. Lucy said she wanted to rest so she went back to the small bedroom in the back. IS asked St. Taw if he wanted something to drink. St. Taw who had suddenly lost his taste for Old Mil said some orange juice would be fine. IS got the same for himself.

"I noticed when you were listing all the symbols that were out of control you left one very significant one out." St. Taw said.

"You mean the moon pie." IS said.

"Of course. Moon pies are everywhere you go in Texalina." St. Taw said.

"No, they're not." IS took a gulp of orange juice.

"IS, have you lost your mind! Look over there on the floor by Will B. Empty moon pie packages!"

"Yes, empty packages, but have you actually ever seen a moon pie itself?"

Of course St. Taw started to answer but then realized he had actually never seen a moon pie, only the packages they came in.

"What are you saying, IS?"

"I'm saying that Texalina has become so oversymbolized that Bellys have been eating symbolic moon pies for years. The last real moon pie was made in 1977!"

It was time to switch form orange juice to bourbon, St. Taw thought.

After making the transfer to a stronger drink, St. Taw asked IS, "How did you figure this out?"

"Lucy and I have been living in a small town not far from Chattanooga. As you may know, Chattanooga is the place where moon pies are or rather were made. I thought it would be fun to visit the plant and maybe even take a tour. When we got there, the parking lot was vacant and the front gate was chained. A sign on the gate read 'Closed'.

"Well, as you can guess, we were totally befuddled. We decided to drive around Chattanooga. We were thinking that maybe the plant had been re-located to a more modern facility. No luck. Then as were headed back home, near the city limits, we saw a small sign that read 'Wholesale sales to Bellys only'. We tried but there was no way they were letting us in.

"But I have Lucy and with her nothing is impossible. Using her KGB and CIA training, we broke in after midnight. It was amazing. The plant existed for one purpose. To manufacture moon pie wrappers and sell them to the Bellys.

"For the last twenty-five years, Bellys have been satisfied with the wrapping as it were. The very fact of this shakes at the foundation of the Belly Way.

"The Great Crisis that WAS predicted in 'Lower Alcolu in 1642' and that Country Kilometer sung about in 'Symbols of My Soul' is now upon us."

The rain beat hard upon the Winnebago roof.