The Haunted Outhouse, Part 2
Book Three That Was Never Meant To Be
Chapter 12
When they arrived
back at the digging site, Buffy and
Jaguar found Dr. Jacuzzi just emerging from his tent. It was past ten. "Dadgum,"
said Jaguar, "Doc's got to start gettin' up earlier! Early mornin's the best
diggin' time. The dirt just likes to be dug better then. See?" Buffy said,
"Jag, it's been a long time since the doc did any digging. And he wasn't very
good with dirt back then. Some people can do dirt and some can't. You can!"
Jaguar said, "Dadgum right. I like dirt is what I like."
After they had parked, Dr. Jacuzzi said, "Well, Jag and Boffy, we've had a great
week! I'm looking forward to getting a much closer look at our great find next
week. You sent it to College Station, right?" Buffy said, "Yes, doc. Give me
a call Monday morning and I'll tell you where to find it."
Dr. Jacuzzi said, "Outstanding! We'll know more then. As for now, I'm off to
a conference in Las Vegas, and our digging permit for the area expires at 4 p.m.
Feel free to continue to dig until then if you like. As for me, I'll be off to
the airport shortly."
Buffy said, "Well, doc, you missed another find this morning. Jag found what
looks like a primitive accounting system. Still a heavy 'ten' theme. That's on
the way to College Station too.
"One more thing, doc. Monday morning, you'll get the first $200K check to Jag.
It's in the contract. Remember?"
Irritated, Dr. Jacuzzi said, "Actually no. Thanks for the reminder. I'll have
the check ready. You kids have a great weekend!"
+++
After Dr. Jacuzzi had driven away, Buffy said to Jaguar, "You know, Jag, we have
time to make love some more before we have to take the tents down."
Jaguar replied, "Shoot, Buffy, we ain't got but a little bit a time for diggin'
here. No tellin' what we gonna be missin' as it is. Dadgum, we went and wasted
the first two days. I kept tellin' the doc they wadn't no use in diggin' in
that first mess a dirt we was in. You could just see they wadn't nothin' no
good in there. I think we better dig for now, darlin'. See?"
Buffy said, "Oh, OK. It's not my first choice, though! Can we do just a little
more talkin', though, before we get back to digging?"
Jaguar said, "Well, sure. A little bit won't hurt none, I reckon."
Seated in Jaguar’s tent, Buffy said, “Jag, I’ll just tell you straight out that
I’m falling in love with you. I’m thinking I want to breed with you, as you put
it. Have my children with you, if that’s what you want. You don’t need to tell
me if that’s what you want, of course, but here’s something I’ve been thinking
about for a long time.
“I want to do the best I can for my children when it comes to deciding who I’m
going to breed with. Make sure I’m doing the best job I can of picking the
right man to breed with. You know what I mean?”
Jaguar said, “Dadgum right! Shoot, breedin’s dadgum tricky is what it is! You
can plan and plan on breedin’, gettin’ pigs together that look like they’d make
flat out perfect piglets, with real nice form, especially nice lookin’ butts,
grow real good and what not. Well, ever dadgum mess a piglets, you get some
that is and some that ain’t. They just ain’t no way to get all the right
breedin’ things into them piglets or calves or what not. You just don’t know
what you’re gonna get!”
Buffy said, “Great point, Jag! I know there’s no way to tell for sure. But I
feel like I need to think this through as much as I can. Anyway, Jag, here’s
what I’m wondering. To hear the two of us talking, most people would think I’m
pretty smart and educated and that maybe you’re not so smart. I’m thinking
you’re actually pretty smart and you almost go out of your way to hide it. I’m
guessing, though. So, here’s what I want to know. What did you make on your
SAT?”
Jaguar said, “Oh shoot, you’d laugh if I told you that! I just don’t like to
talk on that there is what I don’t like. It’s nothin’ but trouble is what it
is.”
Buffy said, “Well, Jag, I’ll tell you mine if you’ll tell me yours. Please?”
Jaguar said, “Looky here, Buffy, if it’d been up to me, I never would a taken
that dadgum SAT test. Shoot, I don’t like that book work, and I never did. I
like dirt! Diggin’, that there’s what I like. Shoot, I read me a mess a books
on dirt, and they wadn’t no good at all. I’ll find me a little ‘bout shovels
and tractors, backhoe parts and what not, but shoot, you don’t learn on what
dirt’s gonna do until you get in dirt. All that book mess ain’t much use at
all. So’s, I ain’t never gonna do me no bookin’! That there’s how it is is how
that is! See?”
Buffy said, “I know that! All I want to know is what you could do with books if
you wanted, and get an idea what our children might be able to do if we go to
breedin’. See?”
Jaguar said, “Well, dadgum. Listen here, you promise you won’t tell nobody,
nowhere ‘bout them SAT numbers?
Buffy said, “Yes. I promise.”
Jaguar said, “Looky here, I done had trouble all my dadgum life from bein’ a
little belly Belly, and gettin’ pushed into sorry jobs. Not the dirt; I
always liked that, but book stuff. Little belly Bellys has got to do book
work. I done purty good stayin’ in dirt anyways, but if word a them SAT numbers
gets out, shoot, I’ll just be in for more and more trouble. See?”
Buffy said, “Your secrets safe with me! Just tell me!”
Jaguar very quietly whispered into Buffy’s ear, “I got ‘em all right.”
Buffy said, “Wh..what? You got a perfect score? 1600?”
Jaguar sadly nodded yes.
Buffy asked, “Can you prove it?”
Jaguar said, “Shoot, you think I’d lie ‘bout somethin’ like that? Oh, sure, I
reckon I can prove it. I keep that little paper in my dadgum wullet all the
time to make sure it ain’t out where somebody might see it and get me in a big
mess a trouble. He pulled the SAT test results listing out of his wullet and
handed it to Buffy.
Buffy said, “My gosh, Jag, I’ve never know anyone who aced the SAT! This is
amazing!”
Jaguar said, “Dadgum, Buffy, don’t go talkin’ so loud! You promised, dadgum
it! Well, anyway, you done dragged that out a me. You want to tell me yours?”
Buffy said, “Not now! Heck, I did OK, but not like this!”
Jaguar said, “Well, it don’t matter to me, ‘cept for a deal’s a deal. See?”
Buffy said, “OK. I scored 1400. Pretty good, at least I think it is, but not
like yours.”
Jaguar said, “Alright then, they ain’t gonna be no more talkin’ ‘bout this SAT
mess. I ain’t gonna go talkin’ bout it, and you ain’t neither, see?”
Buffy said, “I promise, Jag.”
Jaguar replied, “Now you understand somethin’ else, Buffy. If we work together
on diggin’, don’t you get no ideas that I’m gonna do any a that thinkin’ mess!
Or that lawin’ mess! I do dirt! And that there is all I want to do. See?
Don’t you never get no idea that I’m gonna do that book bidness. I’m a dirt
feller. If you’re a dirt feller and you start worryin’ ‘bout that book mess and
law mess and money mess and what not, well, there goes the dirt! Them holes’ll
start cavin’ in, and they won’t look purty, and they won’t last, or the
foundation’ll start crackin’ or what not. Ain’t nothin’ but trouble if a dirt
feller starts thinkin’ ‘bout stuff besides dirt! I ain’t gonna do it! See?”
Buffy said, “I see! I’m with you, Jag. That makes great sense to me. I’ve got
to know something, though. How is it that you could get a perfect score on the
SAT, but you haven’t had real high grades in high school and college?”
Jaguar said, “Oh, I reckon that book bidness comes purty easy, far’s the
‘memberin’ part goes. Shoot, I can ‘member ‘bout anything, whether I want to or
not is what I can ‘member. They’s some things I’d just as soon not ‘member
though, see, so on them tests I’ll purty well ‘member what it’s gonna take to
get me a passin’ score, and get out a that dadgum classroom to get me a snack is
what I’ll do. I never knowed when I’d got to a passin’ number on that dadgum
SAT test though, so I ‘membered on ever dadgum question they was is what I
done. Reckon I ‘membered ‘em right too, dadgum it. Sure was a sad day when I
got that dadgum SAT paper though, I can tell you that. I knew I’d done messed
up in my ‘memberin’ if I wadn ‘t real careful. Could a messed up my dirtin’ is
what it could a done. See?”
Buffy said, “Jag, I do see. I really see! You’re something, Jag. And Jag, if
you decide you want to do some breedin’ with me, some sure enough breedin’, I’m
your breedin’ woman. See?”
Jaguar said, “Dadgum right! Shoot, Buffy, I’d be purely pleased to breed with
you! It’s about time I started doin’ some breedin’ too, ain’t it? Dadgum, here
I am dadgum close to 23 year old, and I ain’t done me no breedin’. Well, ‘cept
for the practice breedin’, see? Well, shoot, they ain’t no need for a whole
mess a practicin’ I reckon. It ain’t real hard to learn. I sure like practicin’
with you, though, Buffy, I can tell you that! Anyways, Buffy, I purty well
like to breed in the nighttime, and work in the daytime. See? That sound
alright?”
Buffy said, “Dadgum right! Let’s go do some more diggin’, darlin’! And breedin’
tonight!”
Chapter 13
As Buffy and Jaguar walked from the tent, Jaguar yelled, "Somebody's took my dadgum spade!" He ran to the place where he had been digging and continued, "Shoot! That was my favorite dadgum spade! Had it balanced, a real nice edge, had the handle broke in just right..." Suddenly, Jaguar said, "Hey, come looky here. They's a hole down there! A big 'un! Shoot, that there's where my spade went. They's a cave down there!"
Buffy said, "Dadgum, Jag, you've done it again. This could be huge, bigger than the other finds. The 'Decave.' Think we have time to take a closer look?"
Jaguar said, "No, I'll tell you what we gonna do. Let's clean up this place and not leave no sign where we been diggin'. I'll come back Monday and dig down there. I'll get my own dadgum diggin' permit; they ain't nothin' to that there. I'm gettin' me my spade back, dadgum it!"
Buffy said, "That sounds good to me, Jag. I'll come out as soon as I can. I've got to get the artifacts taken care of in College Station Monday morning. Listen, darlin', let's go to my place in College Station after we've cleaned up, OK?"
Jaguar said, "Can't do it, Buf. This is my weekend to dig new holes for all the outhouses back home. I been the official outhouse hole digger since I was eight. Ain't nobody knows how to do it no good 'cept me. You'd be surprised how many BOMers don't know the first thing 'bout outhouse holes. Here I am an inhouser, and I know all 'bout it. I'll tell you somethin', too. If you don't get the hole right, just right, the dadgum outhouse is gonna be a mess is what it's gonna be. If it's too big, the outhouse is gonna start sinkin' into the hole. Get it too little, and what goes through the seats ain't gonna make it to the hole. And then, you got to get it deep enough so you don't get splashin'. They's a lot to it, I can tell you that. So's anyway, I dig new holes once a year, 'cept for my uncle D.B. He gets a new one every six month. You want to come to Dime Box with me?"
Buffy said, "Yes! We can sleep together, can't we?"
Jaguar said, "Oh, sure! I'll be sleepin' in the line shack over by the Bodine Place. It's nice! Refrigerator, microwave, got a TV, no cable though. Ain't much in the way a music unless you like Gene Autry and Roy Acuff on eight-track. Real nice, though! Shoot, it's just 'bout perfect for breedin'!"
Buffy said, "Sounds great! Am I gonna meet your folks?"
Jaguar said, "Dadgum right! They a little different, I can tell you that. You ain't got nothin' to worry 'bout as far as I'm concerned, though. Whatever folks might say, they ain't gonna change your name to somethin' sorry like Jaguar, so I figure you got it made. Anyways, let's get this place cleaned up and go get some real good road food 'fore we get started. I'm kinda hungry."
Chapter 14
Buffy and Jaguar arrived at the Jetson place in North Dime Box just before dark, on the way to the line shack by the Bodine Place. Bonnie Belly Jetson, Jaguar's mother, met them at the door. Jaguar said, "Buffy, this here's my mama. She's the one that picked my sorry name, and her alone. She's alright, though, 'cept when she ain't. Mama, this here's Buffy. She's my diggin' partner and darlin'. She's real smart too, does that book bidness the way you been wantin' me to. I'll tell you somethin' else, Mama, you ain't gonna believe it, but Buffy's daddy's ol' Mosath Eyskin! Sure enough!"
Bonne said, "Howdy there Buffy! You come in here and take a seat. Jaguar! You get in there and help your daddy. That dadgum computer is messin' up. Straighten that thing out! Right now! See?"
Buffy thought to herself that Bonnie was a very nice-looking woman, but somehow, she had the impression that Bonnie would look even more impressive in a football uniform, playing linebacker. She had a very prominent physical presence.
Without asking, Bonnie handed Buffy a Shiner, saying, "Here, darlin'. We got some talkin' to do! First off, I've got a bone to pick with that daddy of yours! Here while back, he promised a scrappin, over to the Wal-mart over Georgia way. I drove all the way out there, and they wadn't no decent scrappin' at all. That dadgum Donnie Bob, my little ol' brother, got to just show off, thowin' little people 'round, and your daddy didn't put on no scrap at all. Pissed me off is what it done! That long dadgum drive, and all I got out of it was a sandwichin' of Donnie Bob and a sorry dadgum t-shirt. That's all! Wadn't that sorry?"
Buffy was about to answer when Bonnie finished taking a drink of Shiner and continued, "Well, anyway, you can't help any of that can you?" Not pausing to hear an answer, Bonnie continued, "Anyway, are you one a them hardcore outhousers like your daddy?"
Finally, Buffy got to speak. She said, "No, I grew up with indoor plumbing. I don't mind out..."
Interrupting, Bonnie said, "Well, I'll tell you one thing, if you and Jag was to go to breedin', you better both be inhousers. See, them mixed marriages just don't work! I don't care what nobody says! If a family can't get together on whether they're gonna crap in or crap out, they never gonna be together on nothin'! Nothin', I tell you! Don't go mixin'! Either get you a man that goes out, if that's what you do, or get one that goes in, if that there's what you do. Jaguar, he goes in, flat out in. He was raised goin' in, and he goes in. See, you can grow up goin' out and then go in. That there's what I done, and I tell you what, it didn't take me no time at all to see that in's better! But shoot, you grow up goin' in, and they ain't no dadgum way in hell you ever gonna go out. Never! Oh, some folk'll kid theyselves, sayin' they goin' from in to out. I'll tell you somebody they ain't kiddin', though, and that there's Bonnie Bernice Belly Jetson is who they ain't kiddin'! Not one little bit! Go together! Breed together and go together, in the same dadgum place! Don't go mixin'!"
As Bonnie went for another Shiner, Buffy took the opportunity to say, "You know, that makes sense! I can't say I've ever thought about it before, but I think you've got it exactly right. I really believe Jag and I are together on that, completely. Somehow, that seems like a good thing, in a way I've never thought of it before. You know..."
Bonnie said, "Well, good! That there's real important. No dadgum mixin'! Anyway, here's somethin' else you need to know 'bout breedin' with fellers in the Belly family. See.."
Buffy interrupted, though just barely, saying, "Jag told me about that! Large Belly babies?"
Bonnie replied, "Jag don't know one dadgum thing about it! He ain't never gave birth to no Belly baby! Anyway, he's right about the one part of it. Belly babies is always big, that's just how they are. The other part, though, is givin' birth to 'em ain't really all that hard, if you get two things right. The first thing is havin' the right hips. I tell you what, too, Buffy, you got the hips! You ain't very big, but you dadgum sure got the hips! Dadgum good form! Shoot, you ought to send your Mama and Daddy a thank-you note for them hips! Now, the other thing you got to do if you're gonna breed a Belly is start choppin' wood.
"See, choppin' wood gets them legs and hips just right for birthin' I know, I know, it don't seem like choppin' wood would have the first thing to do with birthin'. Well, that's why they's Belly Rules! See, Belly's figured all this out a long time ago, so all we got to do is follow the dadgum rules, and we'll be just fine. See? Grandma Maria Hernandez Belly made a whole mess a the rules, and we been goin' along with 'em for year and year. They good rules! Don't always make a whole lot of sense when you thank 'bout 'em, which is why you just don't thank 'bout 'em. Just do 'em! Least, most of 'em, the bin 'uns. I always been real good at breakin' the ones I just didn't like, but that there's another story. Don't worry, I'll get to that 'un. Shoot, your Shiner's way too low! Here comes another one."
Buffy said, "I sure appreciate all this information! As a matter of fact, I've been thinking about having children, or breeding. And I'll just tell you the truth, I really like the idea of breeding with Jag. Hope that's alright with you and Mr. Jetson."
Bonnie said, "Dadgum right! With them hips a yours, it'll be a piece of cake. Anyway, back to the wood choppin'. Another reason that's real important is you figure out when you're done with the one birthing by when you can go back to choppin' wood. See, when you can get that axe up just right, and split the dadgum log plumb through, on the one stroke, you done with the one and you can start thinkin' 'bout the next breedin' when you want to, see? Now, I got the Belly record for gettin' back to choppin' wood, the regulation quarter-cord, within two hours of each of my births. My sister Betty says she tied my record, but she only had four childern and I had five, see, so she ain't tied me no more than nothin'. I'll tell you something else, she cheated on the wood choppin' with the first one. Wadn't no quarter-cord, see. Just two dadgum logs! The very idea! I'm the birthin' champ of the Bellys is what I am! You're welcome to try to beat my record, and with them hips you just might. You gonna have to do wood choppin', though, I can tell you that. See?"
Buffy said, "Gosh, you'll have to show me how. I've never been very athletic, and I've never held an axe in my life. Seems like a curious, but promising idea, though, and..."
Bonnie interrupted, saying, "Ain't nothin' to it! Shoot, we'll go out and chop a mess of wood tomorrow, OK? Shoot, you'll like it! It's dadgum good for a gal to get used to swingin' an axe, too. Keeps men off balance is what it does, see, and you always got to keep that in mind. Keep them men on they toes. Granma Maria always said, 'A gal with a gun has more fun, but a gal with an axe has the most fun of all' see?
"Now, here's something else to keep in mind. I'll admit that I done Jaguar bad with that name. Well, I got me a case a the breedin' sickness when the name come to me, and, shoot, 'fore I noticed what a sorry dadgum name I'd come up with, there it was on the birthin' paper, and it was a done deal, a done sorry deal. It was my turn to do the namin', and shoot, Jaguar Jetson sure sounded catchy to me. That there's cause I had me a touch of the birthin' sickness, though, see. So, what you gonna want to do is get that namin' mess out a the way 'fore you get that far along, see? Then you won't have to worry 'bout it. Just chop that wood, and don't think of nothin' else. It'll save a mess of bellyachin' from your childern later on, I'll tell you that. Oh, and don't forget that middle name. Dadgum, I still don't know how I slipped up on that one. Well, them's the breaks! It's Jaguar's problem now! Well, shoot, he can handle it, dadgum it.
"Now, here's somethin' else you might not kow 'bout Jaguar. He can do book stuff real good, but he's too dadgum stubborn to do it, see? All he's ever been interested in any little bit is dirt. Dirt, and diggin' in dirt. I don't have no idea how he got to be that way, but there it is. He's a dirt feller, and he won't give nothin' else a chance.
"Somthin' you got to know 'bout Belly Rules is that if you got a big belly, you get to work in the food bidness. If you got a little belly, you don't. Don't sound fair, I know, and it don't always make sense if you try to make sense of it. The dadgum rule makes sense, though. See, if every dadgum Belly was to go to doin' food work, we'd all get in a rut with old ideas and 'fore you know it, we'll be goin' backward with food ideas and everthing else. But, if all Bellys was to go to doin' book work, 'fore you know it, everybody would be doin' thangs that don't make no sense, and they wouldn't be nobody 'round who's close enough to the real world to keep them book folks straight. So, this way, we get both - foodin' Bellys and bookin' Bellys. And then, there's Jaguar, a brand new dirtin' Belly Jetson, he is. I don't know where that came from, but I can tell you it ain't goin' away. The boy does dirt, and that's all they is to it. He's a dirter. Never had one in the family before, but we sure do now. He's a little belly Belly, so he's supposed to be a booker, and he could do that book bidness real good if he wanted to. But he don't. He does dirt. Shoot, I recknon that's OK, though. What do you think on that, Buffy?"
Buffy said, "You're right. Jag's remarkably good with dirt. I had no idea there was so much to know about dirt, but he's certainly opened my eyes. We're a good team, dadgum it! Jag does dirt, and I'm pretty good at the other stuff associated with archeology. We work well together."
Bonnie said, "Well, shoot, that there sounds good, long's you all are together on inhousing. Now, he better breed you right! A woman's got to keep a feller straight on doin' the breedin' right, see, or shoot, first thing you know, you got some bad breedin' goin' on, and you flat out have to straighten it out, see? It ain't too hard to get it right, but dadgum it, when it ain't right, it's got to be set right, by the woman's rules on right, see? That there's another rule Grandma Maria gave us, the woman sets the breedin' rules, and the woman always come first. See?"
Buffy said, "Dadgum right! This is all new to me, but I think I just may fit in well with Belly Rules!"
Bonnie said, "Well, good! Shoot, the Belly Way ain't for everbody Heaven knows, but it works dadgum well for Bellys, I can tell you that. Anyway, here's another Belly rule you need to know 'bout. If you was to marry Jaguar and then decided you didn't want no part of him, all you'd have to do is break the dadgum bottle, and you're out of it, see? But it ain't that way with childern. The Belly Rule is 'if you breed 'em, you feed 'em.' That goes for pigs, cows, chickens, dogs, what not, and childern too. So, if you was to breed Belly family childern and didn't take care of 'em, well, we'd have to just hunt you down like a dog and give you a good whuppin', see. They wouldn't be nothin' persona, it's just the Belly Rule, see? The childern got to be treated well, or somebody's gonna get a whuppin', and that's all they is to it. See?"
Buffy said, "Sounds right to me! And if I come up with some new ideas, maybe I can make some new Belly Rules?"
Bonnie said, "Dadgum right! Bellys ain't real easy to sell on new rules, but shoot, it happens all the time if you keep at it. Anyways, shoot, let's have some more Shiners and get you started on some good wood choppin' and breedin' practice tomorrow. You'll just love it! Get some good choppin' work done to build up your legs and hips and what not, and shoot, I might just show you how to do sandwichin'. They ain't nothin' more fun than that there!"
Chapter 15
As she drove to the line shack with Jaguar, Buffy said, "Jag, I just love your mama!" Jaguar said, "You do? Dadgum, that ain't how everbody takes to Mama, I can tell you that! Lots of folks think she comes on a litte strong." Buffy replied, "That's it! She's strong, really strong. I'd like to be like that if I can. Looks like I've got a lot of wood-chopping to do, though!" Jaguar said, "Dadgum right! They ain't nobody can chop wood like Mama. Don't go thinkin' you got to be like her, though, or all the stuff she goes on and on about. I sure didn't! Shoot, if I'd listened to Mama all these years, everthing, I'd be a dadgum book feller now instead of a dirt feller. You just be yourself there, darlin'" Buffy said, "Don't you worry, baby! I'm going to chop me some wood, though, if I can!"
+++
Jaguar was up at 5 a.m. the next morning. Buffy sleepily said, "Wow, it's early! Do I have to get up now?" Jaguar said, "Shoot no! I'm gettin' out to the dirt while it's just right for diggin'. You sleep long's you want, darlin'. They's a whole mess a food when you get hungry. My uncle Donnie Bob stocked the place for us. It would last the two of us a month. Uncle D would be goin' for more by noon. I'll be over to the north, 'bout half a mile, for the first 'un. That's uncle D's."
+++
Around 10 a.m., Buffy walked over to see what Jaguar was doing. He had just moved his uncle's outhouse to its new location above the hole he has just dug. His uncle, D.B., was on the other side of the outhouse, helping position it. Jaguar said, "Mornin' darlin'! This here's my uncle Donnie Bob. Uncle D., this here's Buffy. She's my diggin' partner." DB said, "Hidy there, Buffy. Glad to meet you. What is it you study with them Aggies?" Buffy said, "I'm in archeology, Mr. Belly."
DB said, "Dadgum! I've heard 'bout that. You all gonna go look for it?" Buffy asked, "What's that?" DB said, "That dadgum ark!" Buffy said, "Oh no, what we do is dig in the ground mainly, looking for artifacts." DB said, "Well, ain't that ark under the dadgum ground by now?" Buffy said, "I guess you're right! So far, though, all the digs I've worked on were after coins, plates, bottles, things like that." DB said, "So, you all study them arks, but then you dig 'round lookin' for ever dadgum thing 'cept arks? Shoot, that college bidness always did get me all confused is what it done. 'Course, if it was me, I don't reckon I'd be lookin' for that dadgum ark neither. Shoot, I reckon it's all way far off, Cuba or what not. I ain't gonna go gettin' on one a them dadgum aeroplane to go lookin' for no dadgum ark, I can tell you that!"
Buffy said, "I think it's in Turkey, at least that's what some people believe." DB said, "Goodness! Turkey! You know that's far off, across them big waters is what it is. I ain't goin' there! You know what too, I don't see how Noah done it, gettin' them animals on there two-by-two and what not. Shoot, I cain't hardly get the pigs to go nowhere, much less on a dadgum boat. I wouldn't a gone on the dadgum boat my own self! Shoot, I'd a had ta took my chances gettin' out a tha rain is what I'd a done. I don't like them boats!"
Buffy then said, "Mr. Belly, I understand that you are the founder of the B6 line." DB said, "Oh, I can find most of 'em I reckon. I'll get lost on the way right smart, though. Shoot, we got too dadgum many to keep up with is what we got. Shoot, my neice done put a B6 in that dadgum New York City is what she done! B7 is what it is, sellin' them little dogs on top a everthing else. I'll be dadgumed if I know how she's sellin' 'em. You ever eat any a that beagle dog?" Buffy said, "Oh no, I'm sure I've never had that!" DB said, "Well, I've had me some dog. But shoot, I couldn't never find no way to smoke 'em ta where they'd taste right. Oh well, I reckon they figured out how ta do it in that New York City. I'll be dadgumed if I'm gonna go up there to find out though, I can tell you that there.
"Listen here, Jagwar done told me yore daddy's ol' Monsath Eyskin! Shoot, he's a funny feller ain't he?"
Buffy said, "Oh yes, I'm sure he is! I didnt' spend a lot of time around him growing up, but I understand that he's done a lot of 'funny' things!"
DB said, "Well, shoot, I sorta like ol' Monsath. I tell you what, I wish I knowed where he finds them little ol' people! Kinda fun ta thow 'em, though."
Buffy said, "Your sister Bonnie said she was disappointed that my dad didn't put up a better fight against you recently."
DB said, "Oh, shoot, that Bonnie's just flat mean is what she is! Ol' Monsath done alright! That there Bonnie flat out scares me is what she does. Shoot, onct she gits it in her mind to do that samwichin', I'd take off runnin', 'cept I cain't outrun her, dadgum it. Flat out turrble is what that dadgum samwichin' is, I can tell you that."
Buffy said, "Bonnie says she'll teach me how to sandwich if I do enough wood chopping!"
DB said, "Well, she can shore teach it, I reckon. I'd get out a the way when she's choppin' wood too, I can tell you that. She gets purty dadgum wild when she's a swingin' that dadgum axe."
Buffy asked DB, "Mr. Belly, Jag and I have been digging in the Corpus Christi area, exploring what has been known as the former site of a haunted outhouse. Are you familiar with the legend?"
DB said, "Oh shoot, Grandma Maria told a mess a stories 'bout things like that. I tell you what, I thank they's somethin' to it! I aint' never been in a outhouse what was haunted though. far's I know. Reckon how you'd tell? Where would them haints go - to the top a the outhouse or down in the hole? What do you reckon, Jagwar, them haints gonna go down in the hole?"
Jaguar said, "I been wonderin' that myself, uncle D. If they wanted to scare folks good an proper, you'd think they'd go down in the hole and make noise down there. 'Course, shoot, even ghosts probably don't want to go down there amongst all that stuff. Shoot, I just don't know."
DB said, "Well, I reckon it's up to them haints where they gonna go in the dadgum outhouse. 'Course, they must be haints that just uses inhouses, see?
"Anyways, Buffy, you better get yourself somethin' to eat! Shoot, I'm gettin' kinda hungry. Ain't you?"
Buffy said, "Oh no, Mr. Belly. I just had breakfast. Thank you very much for leaving the food for us!"
DB said, "Well, shoot, they wadn't no room for more than a little mess a snackin' fud. Shoot, you can't go starvin' out there. You better get some good fudin' in 'fore you back out to that little ol' place, see, or you could get to starvin' 'fore you know it. See?"
Buffy said, "Thank you very much, Mr. Belly. I think I'll be OK for now, though."
DB said, "Well, you just come on in at the first sign a the starvin' sickness. We got a mess a fud in there. See?"
Chapter 16
In the Book of Archie, outhouse plumbing (OP) is both prescribed and regulated. Individuals who wish to work in this honorable profession have to go through rigorous training at AMBC (Archie Memorial Boot Camp). There they learn the rudiments of outhouse plumbing, the ins and outs as it were. When finished they are categorized as COPs (Certified Outhouse Plumbers). One of the central tenets of OP is that COPs must never allow their cracks to show. Archie considered this shameful exhibitionism and said such behavior was attributed to the slackness caused by the ease and comfort of inhouses. Archie once said that "Our refusual to let our cracks show is what keeps us from descending into barbarism". Therefore all COPs must wear either OP approved overalls on the job.
+++
The next Monday morning, Jaguar and D.B. drove to the dig site near Corpus Christi. Jaguar asked D.B. to come along and bring his Rolling Outhouse. The RO was equipped with a hydraulic hoist Jaguar intended to use for lowering himself into the cave he had discovered. DB was also helpful in getting a dig permit for the site, since the mayor of Mathis, Bobby Don Hernandez, was a distant relative. DB and Bobby Don met with a quick Belly Bounce, and then Bobby Don asked, "Well, what you want on this paper?" Jaguar said, "Oh, make it for two weeks, with full rights to everything we find under the ground that ain't claimed by mineral rights, see?" Bobby Don said, "You got it. Now let's fud." DB said, "Dadgum it, I cain't! I know it's sorry, but Jagwar won't let me do no more eatin', dadgum it. I got to go off to workin'. Shoot!"
At the site, it took Jaguar only a few minutes to dig an opening to what appeared to be a large cave. DB said, "Shoot! I cain't see no end to that dadgum thang. And it's all dark in there! I ain't goin' in there!" Jaguar said, "That's alright, uncle D. You just run me down some cable when I tell you on the radio. I'll go take me a look."
After looking around inside the cave for half an hour, Jaguar had D.B. hoist him back up. He said, "Uncle D., there's a dadgum little city down there! I don't know this archeology bidness real well, but I'm purty sure this here's somethin' special. I'll start sending stuff up, but we're gonna need a bigger truck to get all the stuff."
Just then, Jaguar's cell phone beeped. It was Buffy, "Jag, I've got some bad news. I'm in jail, darlin'. Looks like I wasn't so smart with the legal stuff after all. Dr. Jacuzzi's had me arrested for stealing the artifacts we found last week, and attempting embezzlement. He has them now, but says I stole them by having them shipped myself. He wants the find all to himself, and I guess he's going to get it. Anyway, I won't be coming out there today."
Jaguar said, "Oh, don't worry 'bout that mess. I ain't real surprised by the doc. I had him pegged as sorry from the start. Anyway, what I just been lookin' at makes that mess from last week purty small from what I know 'bout this bidness. I'll be over to College Station this afternoon. We'll get you out a that jail if you still there, see?" Buffy said, "Great! Don't hurry. I won't be going anywhere."
Chapter 17
DB and Jaguar covered up the opening to the cave with boards and camouflaged it with rocks. Then, they joined Bobby Don for lunch at the Mathis B6.
After discussing the details of Buffy's arrest with Jaguar and D.B., Bobby Don made a phone call to the Mathis City Hall. Then he said, "Well, here's the deal. The gal's guilty of movin' antiquities off of city property without permission. The diggin' permit just covered diggin', see, not diggin' and takin', cause this Dr. Jacuzzi didn't ask for takin', just diggin', when he applied for the permit. The doc's guilty too, if he's taken possession of the antiquities outside of Mathis. Our D.A. wants the antiquities back. He called College Station and told those folks to get 'em off Jacuzzi and bring 'em back here. We ain't gonna file charges against this Buffy gal if we get 'em back. If we don't, we'll file against the doc and Buffy too. Rules is rules, Jagwar. You may be sweet on this gal, but she went and broke the dadgum law, see? I don't know how many times I got to tell you, dadgum it, them Aggies is trouble. You shoulda gone to UT like I told you, dadgum it.
"Here's the upshot, though. Since you got permission to take out antiquities you dig up from that location, even though it was after the fact, once we get the stuff back from College Station, we'll give you control of 'em. The city's entitled to up to 50% of the proceeds if you sell 'em, just the same. For right now, though, College Station ain't got jurisdiction over this Buffy gal and the doc; we do. So, today either we get the dadgum antique stuff back, or we're goin' after this Buffy and the doc."
+++
Jaguar called Buffy's cell phone to break the news. She said, "Well, here's the problem. When Dr. Jacuzzi was told that he had to give back the artifacts, he threw a fit at first, but then he turned over a box to the police. They asked me to verify the contents, and it turned out to just be rocks and broken bottles. He didn't include the ten-sided plate or the ten-item bags. If I had told them the box contained what I sent to College Station, they were going to send the stuff to Mathis, let me go and be done with the hassle. Well, I'm not going to do that! Believe it or not, now Dr. Jacuzzi is saying he got the plate and bags in Mexico. The man's so desperate to get credit for a major find, he's really freaking out. Anyway, I'm not going to lie about this stuff just to feed his ego and get out of here. I'll stay in jail forever if that's what it comes to. See?"
Jaguar said, "Buffy, they's a whole mess a them plates in the cave - hunerds of 'em. And that there's just the start. There's all kinds a stuff in there. Pull one a them out a there, and I reckon archeology folks ought to know the doc's lying, ought'n they? Sides that, you can trace the dirt on the plate and bags to where it come from, here in Mathis."
Buffy said, "Hundreds? Dadgum! And the dirt! Heck, that's right. Dr. Jacuzzi's a real Aggie, isn't he?"
Jaguar said, "Dadgum right. Listen here, I don't know this archeology bidness enough to start pullin' that stuff out by myself. I'm thankin' I better get me a real archeologin' feller out here. It sure ain't gonna be Jacuzzi, or no dadgum Aggie. Who can I get over here?"
Buffy said, "Dadgum right! I should have thought of that myself. Here's what we'll do. Give it all to UT! I'll call up the Texas Archeological Research Laboratory at UT. We'll have them document everything, and keep people like Jacuzzi from ripping it off. They'll pay for good stuff, and UT has a lot more money than Aggies. And if the stuff in the cave is as good as it sounds and there's more of the plates, this will prove that Jacuzzi's lying. Dadgum Aggies! Good thinking, Jag.
"Listen here, are you still going to be interested in breeding with me, now that I'm a jailbird?"
Jaguar said, "Oh shoot, goin' to jail's a family tradition with Bellys. I'm pretty well behind schedule, since I ain't been. Maybe I can get credit for some of your time in there."
Buffy said, "Well sure, darlin', I guess I could give you some!"
Chapter 18
The next morning, Jaguar and D.B. met Dr. Maria Franklin of the UT Dept. of Archeology at the dig site. Jaguar greeted her, "Howdy, doctor Franklin. Thanks for comin' out here. Now, I've done been screwed by an Aggie archeology feller who was sorry, so I ain't takin' no more chances. We found a mess of old stuff in a cave here that looks like purty good archeology stuff to me, but I don't know much about that mess, see? We want you to take a look to see for sure, but before you do, I got folks here to make sure you stay square, see?"
Dr. Franklin said, "No problem. Just tell me what you want."
Beulah Faye Ledbetter then spoke, "Howdy, doc. I'm Beulah Faye Ledbetter. I'm Jag's agent. I got a lawyer here, some witnesses, a camera crew and a couple of reporters from The National Enquirer. I like to keep all my bases covered, see? That OK with you?"
Dr. Franklin said, "I don't care who's here. Either the find is a find or it's not. Let's take a look!"
Jaguar fitted Dr. Franklin with a body harness and gave her a flashlight, and D.B. then lowered her into the cave. Just over an hour later, she asked to be pulled out. She then said, "OK, Beulah, here's the deal. This is a major, major find. I want it all for UT. I don't know what the market value is, so here's what you do. Get an antiquities appraiser out here, and we'll bring ours. Between the two of them, they'll establish the market value. We'd like to avoid an auction, and we'll make it worth your while if you'll cooperate with us. I can tell you that we'll be starting off with a deposit of ten million dollars, and I'll be raising more. I want it all, Beulah, and I'm going to get it."
Jaguar asked, "What makes it all so valuable?"
Dr. Franklin said, "Well, for starters, you've got over a dozen commode looking things that appear to be made of solid gold. I don't know what they are, but then, I do know what gold is. Beyond that, it looks to me like we have a few thousand records of an ancient philosophical order. I think it's the "Order Of Ten," but I'll have to do a lot more study to make sure that's right. Whatever the hell that stuff is, it's the biggest single cache of genuine Texas artifacts anyone's ever found. I guarantee you that we'll make up something real good even if we can't figure everything out. OK?"
D.B. said, "Well looky here, Miz Doctor, reckon you could look into what them 'Publicans done to Mr. FDR too, onct you done lookin' into all this here mess?"
Dr. Franklin said, "I'd love to! Just point the way, and I'll look!"
D.B. said, "Wail, I sure will! Dadgum, somebody finally gonna look into that mess! It sure 'bout time too! You know what, we ought ta just give that mess to the doctor lady if she's gonna help out Mr. FDR, see?"
Beulah Faye said, "That'll do, D.B. Let's not get carried away here."
Chapter 19
The scene: a typical student apartment in Austin somewhere near the campus of UT. The apartment is crowded and loud music is blaring throughout the rooms. It's smoky. The smoke has diferent origins. Sitting in one corner of the small living room is a middle aged man with long gray hair and a gray beard. He's wearing what looks like a modified Nehru jacket. Men and women, ages 18 to 25, are sitting in a semi-circle facing him, their expressions radiating rapt admiration. Who is this mysterious man? It's Alex St. Taw, professor of Natural Movements at Berkeley, and a visiting lecturer at UT, and between sipping on bourbon and branch water, he's discoursing on...Bellys.
"They represent the greatest threat to our way of life."
"But why, Alex (St. Taw did not believe in formalities), they're so dumb and they live in that miserable excuse for a town, Dime Box. All they care about is eating."
St. Taw handed his glass to a nearby acolyte, indicating a refill was in order, "The Bellys are a natural phenonomen. Their brains became smarter even as they are not used. In fact, the less they use them, the more intelligent they become. For most humans, it's the exact opposite. Lack of use leads to decay and deterioration."
"How do you explain that?"
"Years of research have led me to only one conclusion. Their stomachs produce an enzyme that increases blood flow to the brain. The more food that is consumed, the more this enzyme is activated and the smarter the Bellys become. One Belly, Buford, at A&M, has an IQ of 296. And that's not atypical."
At that last remark, the students gasped. One cried out, "You mean those loud mouth, outhouse using gluttons are smarter than we are."
St. Taw took a sip and smiled, "A lot smarter."
Someone said, "So the Bellys are smarter than us. Who cares? They still value eating or 'fuding' as they call it above everything else. As long as that's true, how can they affect us?"
A mousey looking nerd in the back corner said, "By eating all the food in the world?"
Everybody laughed, though the laughter was tinged with a little nervousness.
St. Taw replied, "I don't think the Bellys will ever give up their basic values such as 'fuding', outhousing, and general desire to stick to the land and their way of life. But at some point, their intelligence may reach a point where it somewhats overrides their basic nature."
"What will happen then?"
"That's the tricky part. My great fear is they will turn outward and view the rest of humanity as inferior beings. Beings that are not worthy of 'The Belly Way'."
"You've got to be joking, Alex."
"I only wish I were. But I plan to find out for myself."
"How?"
"I'm going to Dime Box."
+++
Dr. Jeremiah Jacuzzi sat in the office of Dr. Johnny Don Buford, the Chancellor of Texas A&M University, College Station. Also in the office was detective Bobbie Darlene Barlow of the College Station police force. Dr. Buford said, "Dr. Jacuzzi, this Campbell woman says you haven't turned over the Mathis artifacts those folks are saying were removed illegally. Detective Barlow's here to get 'em. Turn 'em over, and there won't be any more problems."
Dr. Jacuzzi said, "There is nothing to turn over! The Campbell woman is either crazy or malicious. I'm tired of hearing about this. I'm leaving!"
Dr. Buford said, "Hold on there, Jacuzzi. Detective Barlow's gonna search your office. She's got a warrant. You stickin' with that story?"
Dr. Jacuzzi said, "She can't! I won't allow it!"
Dr. Buford's Ph.D. was honorary. His background was in dairy science, and he would never have taken the chancellor's position if it hadn't been necessary to make sure the dairy dept. got its share of funding. He hated having to deal with prima donna professors, except for the ones in the dairy science dept. He'd had about enough of Jacuzzi and this artifacts crap. He said, "Detective Barlow, would you do me a big ol' favor and step out of the office for just a minute?"
When Barlow had left, Dr. Buford said, "Listen up, Jacuzzi, you've done screwed up. Everybody in College Station knows it, except for you. Don't you ever read the papers? It's on the dang front page, for cryin' out loud. UT has done scored a big ol' mess of antique crap right there where you was digging. And why is that? Because you went and pissed off everybody down there, that's why! You sorry dirt-diggin', findin' nothin', pointy head! We could a had the best dang Texas souvenirs in the whole dang world, 'cept you screwed up! Better than Davy Crockett's whiskey flask! Better than LBJ's pistol! Better than a sure enough dang jackalope!
"Anyway, Jacuzzi, the damage is done, thanks to you. But you won't let this crap go and make it go away. This dang Campbell woman is becomin' a dang hero sittin' in the jail down the street, 'cause everybody thinks she's tellin' the truth and you're lyin'. Includin' me. Stop this crap! Turn over those trinkets right now, and make this crap go away.
"Here's what I'm gonna do if you don't, Jacuzzi. You got tenure, so I can't fire you. What I can do is cut off all your dang travelin' around and not findin' anything money, and I can jerk you out of grad. school and put you to teachin' freshman Aggies the rest of the time you're here. And put you in charge of the bon fire. And pep rallies. And bein' a sponsor for the Farm Club. And.."
Jacuzzi interrupted, "No! This can't be happening! I'll sue! Full professors shouldn't have to put up with such as this! Not pep rallies! Besides, no one can prove that I didn't turn over all the Mathis artifacts."
Dr. Buford said, "Good night, Jacuzzi, get a grip! Wake up, man! Yes, there's proof. Why the hell do I know that, and you don't know that? Hell, there's an eyewitness in Mathis who says Campbell's tellin' the truth. Hell, he's even one of our students, somebody named Jetson."
Dr. Jacuzzi said, "Jetson! He's an idiot! He doesn't know anything!"
Dr. Buford said, "Well, according to the police down there, he's described those souvenirs you took, down to the last detail. If the College Station cops find stuff that fits the description around here, you'll be in jail, Jacuzzi. That would suit me just fine, to tell you the truth, except for embarrassing the university again. Anyway, it's up to you. I'm tired of this garbage. Turn over that crap to the detective, or you're on your own."
Dr. Buford then stepped out of his office and told Detective Barlow, "He's all yours. Do whatever the hell you want."
Detective Barlow said to Jacuzzi, "Dr. Jacuzzi, here's one more opportunity for you. Turn over the stolen artifacts."
Dr. Jacuzzi said, "I did!"
Detective Barlow then said, "Very well. We found the items in your office just now. They're exact fits with sketches made by the witness in Mathis. We're taking them, and turning you over to the Mathis police. Officer Hernandez will escort you to Mathis. Have a good day."
Dr. Jacuzzi said, "No! I don't have time for this! You will pay!"
Chapter 20
Detective Barlow returned to the College Station jail, and went to the cell of Buffy. She opened the cell and said, "Well, Campbell, you're free!"
Buffy said, "I am? Darn, I thought I'd get more than one night in jail. Dr. Jacuzzi finally came clean?"
Detective Barlow said, "No, not at all. We have the artifacts, though. They're on the way back to Mathis. So, we have no basis for holding you. The City of Mathis isn't pressing charges against you, as long as they get the stolen artifacts back. They wouldn't have charged Jacuzzi either if he's just turned over the stuff, all the stuff. Oh, well, that's Aggies for you. Anyway, you're free to go."
To her surprise, Buffy found over a dozen reporters waiting to interview her when she walked through the jail exit. The first voice she heard was, "Howdy, Buffy! You're out! I'm Jane Hall from the Austin American-Statesman. You're a big story! How do you feel?"
Buffy said, "Oh, just fine. I was figuring on staying longer, though. To tell you the truth, it bummed me out to have to leave before lunch. Since I've been in jail, the Belly Brothers Biscuits, Bait, Barbecue and Beer store in Dime Box has been sending in food, no bait or beer, unfortunately, enough for me, the jail staff and all the other inmates, and it's been the best eating ever. I think I've put on five pounds. I'm going to miss it. You ought to hear the jail staff. They begged me to stay a little longer to keep the food coming."
"Johnny Davis from the Houston Chronicle, Buffy. Doesn't this prove that the Aggie archeology dept. is a joke and corrupt?"
Buffy said, "All I'm saying is that I'm leaving A&M today, and applying at UT tomorrow."
"Marlow Thomas, New York Times. What do you say about rumors that the Bush administration is behind Jacuzzi?"
Buffy said, "Gosh, that's news to me!"
"Mike Palmer, Bryan-College Station Eagle, Buffy. Has the A&M administration apologized for what you've been through?"
Buffy said, "I haven't heard from anyone at the university."
Palmer followed up, "Didn't you send the artifacts in question directly from Mathis to the A&M archeology dept. office?" Buffy said, "That's right." Palmer then asked, "So, how did the A&M administration get the idea that you were trying to steal them?" Buffy answered, "You'll have to ask them."
"Donna Jenkins, Buffy, Channel 5 in Bryan. Have you signed a book deal yet?"
Buffy said, "No, but I have gotten a few offers! If I'd known about this, maybe I'd have tried jail a long time ago!"
"Marlow Thomas again, Buffy. What do you think about the Enron money that has been funding the A&M archeology dept.?"
Buffy said, "If you're saying Arthur Andersen accounting would be an improvement on the Aggie system, I have no comment."
"Jane Hall, Buf. Will you be working on the UT dig in Mathis?"
Buffy said, "That's up to UT. I'm applying for their archeology school. I'll have to get in before I can think about anything else.
"Anyway, folks, I'm getting kinda hungry. Let's go get some barbecue and beer if you all want to do any more talking. See?"