The Haunted Outhouse, Part 4
Book Three That Was Never Meant To Be
Chapter 34
The next morning, Buffy said goodbye to Jaguar and D.B., and rode to Dime Box with Bonnie, who had driven down to pick her up.
Soon after they had started the drive, Buffy said, "Bonnie, I've got a lot more Mama Talkin' I'd like to do. Is that alright?"
Bonnie said, "Dadgum right! I like your talkin', darlin'."
Buffy said, "I'm sure glad to hear that, because I've got a lot of talkin' to do! I just hope I don't wear you out. Here's the first thing. I'd like to move to Dime Box to live, in the line shack Jag and I stayed in, if that's OK."
Bonnie said, "Well, goodness yes! Shoot, I'd love that! You sure don't have to stay in that little ol' place, though. Shoot, we've got houses all over the place that nobody's stayin' in. You just make yourself at home any place you like, darlin'!"
Buffy said, "Great! Thanks! Now, here's something I guess I better talk about. I'm trying to talk Jag into moving back to Dime Box to live with me there, but he likes the idea of staying in College Station. I can't complain about that, seeing how I was talking about moving to Austin myself, just yesterday. I'm sure he wonders if I'm serious about moving to Dime Box and staying there.
"Well, Bonnie, I'm serious. I want to learn Belly Ways, really learn them. I've changed in the last few days. My whole worldview is different now. Jag may wonder if I'm really going to dig this hole, or just scratch the dirt a little bit. Maybe you're wondering the same thing. I do mean it, though, and sooner or later, you all will see that.
"Anyway, the point is that for a while, maybe a long while, you'll have this strange situation where your step-daughter is living next door, and her husband, your son, is living miles away. Is that going to cause problems?"
Bonnie said, "Dadgum, girl, you're somethin'! I didn't know what you all had in mind 'bout where to live. Here's somethin' funny - I've always thought Bellys ought to try to live in Bellyburg, or what they used to call it, Dime Box now, and teach their kids Belly Ways. Well, shoot, here's my own boy leanin' against that way of thinkin', and his woman ain't. Life's full of surprises, ain't it?
"But hell, Buffy, it won't matter to any of us if you want to live on the Belly Place while Jaguar's someplace else. Does seem a little strange that you two would be so close together, but not all the way together, but, shoot, I reckon that's up to you all."
Buffy said, "I sure appreciate that, Bonnie! Look, I don't want to be a lousy wife. I guess I'll consider moving to College Station if that's what it takes to keep Jag from thinking I'm trying to boss him around. The fact is that I am; I'll admit that. But then, he'd be doing the same thing. I can see how this could get pretty touchy. What I keep coming back to is that I don't want to get you and other Bellys in a bad place, between Jag and me if there's a disagreement. I feel kind of sorry even talking about all this with you. Am I pushing the Mama Talk?"
Bonnie said, "Hell no! There's no limits to Mama Talk, baby. You are takin' it places most Belly women don't go I reckon, but shoot, that sounds Belly to me! We've got the Belly Rules on some things, but there's no rules against talkin' 'bout dadgum near anything, includin' the rules. The point of havin' the Belly Rules, though, is that us Bellys don't have to take sides when folks have a spat, but everbody's on the side of the Belly Rules, see. Here's how I reckon the Belly Rules would apply to you and Jag on this where to live deal if it came down to it. If somebody's invited to stay on the Belly Place and they act right, why, they're welcome to stay as long as they want to. So, if you all got in a spat, you wouldn't have to worry 'bout Jaguar's folks sidin' against you just 'cause you wadn't born a Belly, 'cause Belly Rules would say you got a place on the Belly Place, whatever the hell one or two Bellys, or even a mess of 'em, was to say 'bout it, see? But then, if you was to go after Jaguar with a shotgun, or cut him, just because he wouldn't live where you wanted him to, well, Belly Rules would say you get a whuppin', see? You can bitch and moan about it all you want, and so can Jaguar, and most of us would just tell you all to shut up, but they wouldn't be no Belly Rules broke. Anyway, if you're thinkin' that you'd have to put up with havin' Jaguar's folks turnin' against you just 'cause you got a difference of opinion with him, you ain't got to worry 'bout that 'cause Belly Rules says you don't. You just can't go 'round shootin' and cuttin' and carryin' on 'bout it, see?"
Buffy said, "Alright! That's dadgum fair. I'm telling you, Bonnie, Belly Rules are good rules. Maybe I'm out of line here, but sometimes I wonder if all Bellys understand what a good thing they have. I've got some big ideas about me and the Belly Way. I won't go blabberin' about them now, but dadgum it, Bonnie, you Bellys have a very special way of life. All Bellys should appreciate it!"
Bonnie said, "Dadgum, Buffy, you know what you sound like? You're sayin' things that remind me of what folks say 'bout grandma Maria. I never knew her, since she was dead by the time I came along, but she must have been somethin'. She married into the Bellys, and couldn't even talk English at first. Grandpa Barney took to messin' round with other gals, and she cut him up good and proper, but she wouldn't kill him, and she wouldn't break the bottle. Grandpa Barney finally broke it his own self after a few more cuttin's, but by that time, Grandma Maria had learned English, learned to preach like nobody'd ever heard, and made a whole mess of Belly Rules. What she'd preach 'bout was the Belly Way, how it was special, ought to be more special, and how Bellys ought to follow the Belly Way a whole lot better. She kept a place on the Belly Place all her life, for years after she wadn't breedin' with Grandpa Barney no more. She'd stay there between other marriages - she had four or five or more -and travelin' all over the place, always bringin' back more messages she'd preach 'bout and more Belly Ways. She done us a whole lot of good, and all Bellys still dadgum near worship her. She's a dadgum Belly saint, I reckon. Shoot, Buffy, you just might a been called to be our new Grandma Maria! Don't you go sayin' it ain't so neither. Dadgum it, when you been called, you been called, and there ain't nothin' you can do 'bout it. See?"
Buffy said, "Bonnie, you'll think I'm crazy, but I've been thinking that same thing, or maybe something like it. I've got a lot of ideas. What I don't have, though, is confidence that I can master Belly Ways, the practical parts. I want to do the best I can, though, which is why I want to live on the Belly Place, chopping wood, raising and slaughtering animals, smoking the meat, growing crops, learning how to shoot, and all the other skills I don't have and don't even know about. If I work at that long enough and develop some expertise with at least some of that, maybe I can help perpetuate the Belly Way, and even refine it. If I can't, my ideas won't be worth much. I'll tell you something, though, Bonnie. Somebody needs to get serious about continuing the Belly Way! It's fine to pass it down through word-of-mouth from one generation to the next, but Bonnie, that doesn't really work over the long-run. Ways get lost if they aren't taught in detail and early on to Belly children. I'm planning to teach my children well, Bonnie. Of course, I'll have to learn what to teach first."
Bonnie said, "Well, gal, you just keep thinkin' the way you're thinkin'. You're gonna be just fine. Learnin' all those ways you're talkin' 'bout may take a little while, but you just spend your time on that, and not on whether you're gonna get a scrap from Bellys lookin' for trouble. That's what the Belly Rules says. See?"
Buffy said, "Here's something I'm wondering about Mama Talkin', Bonnie. I'm hoping that all this stuff I've been talking about will be held in confidence, especially that you won't be telling Jag. And then, I'm hoping that when you talk to Jag, you won't be telling me about complaints that he has. Can I count on that?"
Bonnie said, "You sure can, darlin'. That's just exactly how Mama Talkin' is supposed to work. Believe it or not, I can keep my mouth shut when I want to! I got so much other stuff to talk 'bout, that ain't no problem."
Buffy said, "Great! Now, here's another thing. I called up my dad today to tell him I'm getting married. I guess you won't be surprised to hear that he doesn't like the idea of me marrying someone in the Belly family. He was a real jerk. He did invite Jag and me to visit him in Nashville, though, so he could at least meet Jag. I'm thinking we ought to go. What do you think?"
Bonnie said, "Oh, sure. I'll tell you one thing, though, I'd invite some folks up there to protect your backside. Folks like me, for starters, Donnie Bob, and what not. No offense, darlin', but I don't trust that daddy of yours. If I'm wrong 'bout that, well, no harm done. If I ain't, you got somebody to back you up if he does somethin' sorry. See?"
Buffy said, "Sounds like a great idea to me, Bonnie!"
Chapter 35
Buffy and Jaguar walked into a private dining room in the Nashville Hilton, looking for Buffy's father, Mosath Eyskin. They had driven up from Dime Box, along with Bonnie and D.B., who were waiting in a parking lot outside, just a cell phone call away if anything went awry inside. Minutes after parking, D.B. had become restless. "Shoot, Bonnie, they's a steak house just across the street! Why don't I go git us a little snack?"
Bonnie said, "Dadgum it, Donnie Bob, you've got enough food with you to feed an army! Just sit still for a little while!"
D.B. said, "The army's done ate it all up, dadgum it. Shoot, don't want 'em storvin' now, is what I don't want, see?"
Bonnie said, "Oh, OK, take this phone, and I'll beep you if something happens."
D.B. said, "Dadgum good idea there, Bonnie. I'll be back in a minute!"
Inside, Buffy and Jaguar were greeted by Mosath, who was accompanied by Maria! They sat down at a table. After introducing everybody, Mosath said, "Jaguar, why don't we step out on the smoking balcony for a few minutes. I'll show you the Nashville skyline and we can have a cigar before ordering."
On the balcony, Mosath lit up a cigar and offered one to Jaguar, who declined. They ordered drinks, a bourbon and water for Mosath, and a Bud for Jaguar. Mosath then said, "So, Jaguar, I understand that you're a ditch digger. That right?" Jaguar said, "Dadgum right, when I can. Shoot, ditch work is nice. It ain't all the time that you can get it, though. I'll go months between real good ditch jobs. 'Course, some ditch jobs ain't no good at all. You get a mess a sand in the dirt, you're gonna get a sorry ditch, and that's all they are to it. Gotta pour concrete is what you gotta do, and that'll sure piss folks off. Can't grow enough grass to make the dadgum thing hold up through the rainin', so's it'll have time to firm up. I'll flat run away from ditch jobs where there's too much sand. But, shoot.."
Mosath interrupted, asking, "Well, good night, son, how are you going to make a living digging ditches?" Jaguar said, "Can't worry 'bout that! Dadgum it, a dirt feller that worries 'bout money is gonna get sorry is what he's gonna do, and start doin' bad dirt! Shoot, you show me a dirt feller that's a dadgum money-grubber, and I'll show you a feller that's leavin' sorry ditches and holes is what I'll show you. I tell you what, I ain't gonna..."
Mosath interrupted again, saying "That's stupid! You've got to worry about money! How the hell are you going to support Buffy if you are oblivious to making money?"
Jaguar replied, "You do the dirt, dadgum it! Do dirt and do dirt right, and the dadgum dirt's gonna take care of the dadgum money! Shoot, I better not find out that you're one a them sorry dirt fellers! Dadgum it, you must be, or you wouldn't be talkin' like that! I ain't gonna sit here and drink with a feller that's left sorry ditches all over the place! You one a them?"
Mosath said, "I assure you that I haven't left any ditches anywhere! I don't do dirt! Now, just settle down, and tell me again how you plan to make a living."
Jaguar said, "I done told you. A word to the wise is plenty. You done got a mess a words. If you ain't gettin' it by now, you ain't goin' to. You lookin' for a scrap or somethin'?"
Mosath said, "You'll know when I want a scrap. Now, just settle down, OK?"
Jaguar said, "Look, I'll just tell you right now. I got no use for folks that don't know dirt but start sayin' they do and start spoutin' off 'bout how they can get good dirt work from folks that's crazy 'bout money, see? Scum a the dadgum earth! Give all dirt fellers a sorry name! Now, I'll go out a my way not to bring it up, but if some sorry sumbitch has just got to start shootin' his mouth off 'bout sorry dirt work, you better understand that I ain't gonna just sit there and listen to that rascal sayin' the wrong things 'bout dirt. Here's the deal - you ain't a real dirter, and you ought not even be talkin' 'bout dirt, not one dadgum word. So, if you do say one more dadgum word 'bout dirt, I'm gonna toss you off this balcony, into that sorry dadgum sand down there, see?"
Suddenly and unexpectedly, Mosath found himself alarmed, thinking "What the hell is he talking about? He defends dirt the way I defend...well, benevolent greed, well-intentioned self-promotion... Never mind. Whatever is going on here, there's no great mind at work. St. Taw is crazy." Careful to avoid all references to geology, Mosath continued, "So, tell me, what do you like best about college life?" Jaguar said, "Shoot, that's easy - quarter beer. That there's the best dadgum invention I ever seen. Drink all night, and you ain't spent but $7.50. That there's what I'll put in my pocket startin' out, and they ain't nothin' left at closin' time. I just can't get enough of it is what I can't get. See, this place probably charges five dollar for a dadgum longneck! Five dollars! Shoot, at College Station, any dadgum night, I can drink all night long for two a them beers! Shoot..."
Mosath said, "I see what you mean. Do you drive drunk a lot?" Jaguar replied, "Shoot no. I walk to my quarter beer places. Got seven on my block! See, that's what I'm talkin' 'bout! Quarter beer, and you ain't got to drive to none of it! If that ain't plumb perfect, I don't know what is. You ever in College Station, and you can keep your dadgum mouth shut about dirt, I'll show you what I'm talkin' 'bout. A wonder of the world is what it is."
Mosath said, "That does sound impressive. Anything else you like about college? Interesting courses? Books that have changed your life?" Jaguar said, "Them's the two things I flat out don't like 'bout college - classes and books. The other stuff is OK I guess, but I ain't real big on none of it. Shoot, I probably done with that college bidness. Wadn't my idea anyway. It's dirt that I like. I'm thinkin' I'm just gonna do me dirt work, and leave that book bidness behind, see?"
Mosath asked, "You won't feel inadequate if you don't complete a college degree?" Jaguar said, "You funnin' me? Inadequate? You mean inadequately bored by professors who ain't got the first lick of common sense? An inadequate amount of time wasted readin' books I'll never have the first use for? Oh, you bet, I'll feel plumb down and out if never spend another minute 'round pointy head fellers that don't know they ass from a hole in the ground, shoot..."
Mosath interrupted again, "So, you don't value intellectual pursuits?" Jaguar said, "I value dirt! I think I might a mentioned that once or twice, reckon? Are you a dadgum idiot or what? I'm a dirter! A purty good dadgum dirter! And I'm gonna be a better dadgum dirter! Listen one more time, you dumbass son of a bitch, I work dirt! I don't give a damn about all that other crap in books that ain't dirt! You want to read that mess, be my guest. Just try to understand somethin' 'bout me - I don't! Dirt is what I do! NNow, if you can't come up with some better dadgum questions, I'm gettin' the hell out of this dadgum town, see?"
Mosath was completely unaccustomed to this type of situation. "I'm supposed to be lecturing him! He's supposed to be intimidated by my brilliance! He's supposed to be baffled by what I'm talking about, not vice versa! What the hell is he talking about anyway? Dirt? No one goes on like that about dirt? Crap! This isn't working!" Then he said, as calmly as possible, "Well now, would you look at that beautiful skyline! Isn't that something?" Jaguar said, "Oh yeah, that sure is something. The sun's been down for two hours, but that neon sure is special. Shoot, I reckon you'd have to come to Nashville, Tennessee to see something like that. I'm goin' in. I've had about as much a that spectacular skyline as I can stand in one sittin'." Jaguar then went back into the dining room, slamming the door in Mosath's face.
Jaguar took a seat at the table, saying, "Excuse me, ladies. I shouldn't a stayed out there so long." Glaring at Mosath, he repeated, "I really shouldn't a stayed out there so long."
Buffy said, "Well, we're ready to order. What do you want, Jag?" Jaguar said, "Oh, just get me one a what you're having."
Mosath said, "I can help you with the Spanish words if that will help." For once, Mosath had made an insulting comment without trying. He had been thoroughly rattled by the conversation with Jaguar. Jaguar said, "Well, sure, why don't you find me the bese mi asno, an order of cogida usted mismo, and a side of vaya al infierno, would you do that for me? Real quick?"
Maria! began to laugh. When Mosath began to glare at her, she tried to stop, but couldn't quite contain herself. To Maria's shock, Mosath wrote down the names of the "dishes" Jaguar had named, and repeated them to the waitress when she arrived. The Mexican waitress heard, "'kiss my ass', an order of 'fuck yourself' and a side of 'go to hell'." The waitress threw a pitcher of water on Mosath, and then grabbed a serving platter and hit him on the head several times. Then she left, running to find the restaurant manager.
Mosath was completely unhinged. He had no idea what was going on, but he did have the vague impression that Jaguar had somehow created this embarrassment for him. Once again he thought to himself, "But I'm supposed to be the one making this kind of trouble! This just isn't right!" He quietly said, "Maybe they're out of those dishes."
Jaguar whispered to Buffy, "Do you want to talk to him privately?" Buffy whispered back, "Oh, I guess." Jaguar then whispered "He's your daddy. I don't have no use for him, but if you want to talk with him, go ahead. I ain't comin' back here again, I'll tell you that."
Buffy then said, "Hey, dad, you got one of those cigars for me?" Relieved to leave the table, Mosath said, "Oh yes! Great idea! We'll be right back!"
On the balcony, Mosath began, "Well, Mr. Jetson is an interesting young man. Very unusual, but interesting as well."
Buffy didn't expect that. She replied, "Well, sure, I think he is. He's a Belly - you remember that part?"
Mosath said, "Of course. How could I forget? I'm just saying he's very different. That's interesting. I don't approve, but still..." Mosath was at a loss for words, for perhaps the first time in his life.
Buffy said, "Well, OK, I guess we've established that Jag's pretty dadgum interesting and sure as heck different. I'll say. Anyway, dad, now you've met him. That was pretty well the point of coming up here. Seems like you've got things on your mind. Wouldn't want to tie you up here, if there's someplace you need to go."
Mosath replied, "Oh no! No hurry! Anyway, you sort of like Jetson, don't you? Hey, that's good." Mosath couldn't believe how trite he'd become. Darn it, this "be nice" thing just wasn't his style.
Buffy said, "Great point. When you're planning on getting married, it sure couldn't hurt if you sort of like the guy. I'll have to write that one down. Who knew?"
Mosath smiled, thinking "That's my girl!", recognizing the satirical line structure he'd delivered a few thousand times himself.
Buffy said, "Hey dad! Something's happening in there! We better go back in."
Inside, the restaurant manager was yelling at Jaguar, throwing him out of the restaurant. Jaguar said, "No problem, partner, I'll be plumb pleased to go." Jaguar gave the manager a $100 bill, saying, "Had a great time. Love that water."
The offended waitress then arrived, directing the manager's wrath to Mosath. Jaguar then gave her a $100 bill as well, and said, "I believe these folks want us out of here. I'm with them."
Outside, the manager was still yelling at Mosath. D.B. saw this and said, "Dadgum, got a scrap goin' on!" He got out of the truck and began trotting toward the group. When near the door, he said, "Hidy, Mos! We scrappin'?"
Mosath turned and began to run, away from the abusive manager and what he thought at the time must be an hallucinated image of an oddly familiar backwoods giant. He didn't stop running until he had reached his car. Then he realized that Maria! had the key. Then, he sat down and began to stare blankly ahead. Mosath had temporarily overloaded emotionally. He needed a rest.
At the Hilton parking lot, D.B. said, "You mean ta tell me you ain't eat? Good night! I done been through the line five time over there," pointing toward the steak house. "Them people must be purty slow! Shoot, why'd ol' Mos run off like that? He ain't gonna scrap and ain't gonna say hidy neither? Shoot, that ain't right!"
Buffy said, "Well, listen, Maria, do we need to give you a ride? You think my dad's coming back?"
Maria said, "I really don't have time to wait. I'm working tonight. I can take a taxi."
Buffy said, "No! We'll give you a ride. Are you singing?"
Maria said, "Yes. Not for two hours, but we can eat at the club. Want to?"
Buffy said, "Yes! Let's go!"
D.B. asked, "Reckon I could sang some too?" Bonnie replied, "Let's not push it, Donnie Bob. Nashville can't take but so much excitement in one night. I'm hungry! Let's go eat." D.B. said, "Dadgum right! Shoot, I'm kinda hungry too. Maybe we'll see ol' Mos on the way, reckon? Shoot, he might be waitin' for a scrappin' in the proper scrappin' place and we just don't know where it is. See, if this was Dime Box, I'd know where the scrappin' places was, but, shoot, this ain't Dime Box no more than nothin' is what it ain't. Dadgum! Should a got directions on the scrappin' places! Oh well, I reckon we'll just have to go get a little bite ta eat and hope for the best. See?"
Jaguar said, "Good idea, uncle D."
The group arrived at the Wildhorse Saloon, and soon Maria had everyone seated at a table. She said, "Thank you so much! Too bad the other place didn't work out."
Buffy said, "Heck, I like this a lot better. I can't wait to hear you sing! What does my dad do with your music? Will he be in the band?"
Maria said, "Senor Eyskin? No, he is not musician. Image consultant. My image requires many consultings, and Senor Eyskin has provided the most recent ones."
Bonnie asked, "What did he come up with?"
Maria replied, "Less thigh, more breast. I don't know. I'm think thigh good, but gigs don't pay well lately. Who knows? Try new image idea. Can't hurt, no?"
Bonnie said, "Shoot, I don't know. Thigh sounds right to me. What do you think, Buffy?"
Buffy said, "Gosh, I don't know! Show business is way over my head. What do you think, Jag?"
Jaguar said, "I don't think I'm the one to ask either. Quarter beer is the main thing I'm looking for in a bar, to tell you the truth."
D.B. said, "Well, I tell you what, Miz Kitty Wells had herself some real nice breast. Couldn't see them dadgum thigh for nothn', though. All covered up in that big ol' dress is that they was. Miz Kitty was real good! Shoot, I reckon you just got to give both of 'em a try, and see which a one makes the best dadgum show. You know what, I'm just wonderin' if Miz Kitty even knows 'bout that thigh bidness. Shoot, she might a not even got the word 'bout 'em. You jist know it ain't easy to get all them show bidness thangs learnt all at onct, see. Reckon?"
Maria said, "Yes! Very yes! That's exactly what I say many time! Too many learnings! I like singing, not the learnings. Breast? Thigh? Who knows? Who cares? Singing! Dancing! Conspicuous comsumption! Si!"
D.B. ordered fud for everyone - three each of all the dishes on the menu. Surprisingly, that wasn't enough, since the menu was limited. So, he walked down the street to the KFC for reserve supplies. He found a grocery cart on the street to transport ten buckets of chicken. "You know what, this is a real handy place is what this Nashville is. They got little wagons right there at the chicken place for totin' yore dadgum chicken! Purty ones! Shoot, I like that. I sure wish they'd do it in Dime Box is what I wish. Cain't hardly tote me more then four, five bucket 'fore they droppin', see, makin' a big ol' mess, spillin' the dadgum gravy, gettin' dirt on the dadgum chicken. Flat out sorry is what it is, see?"
While D.B. was in a Fud Coma, Bonnie asked, "Well, Buffy, has the trip been OK?"
Buffy said, "Oh, sure. I don't know what was up with my dad, but then, I never really have, I guess. We said we'd come, and I'm glad we did. Once is about enough, though, unless Jag insists on coming back real soon."
Jaguar said, "It's up to you, darlin'."
Maria was onstage by then, and everyone agreed that she was a very talented singer, and that thigh was the way to go. Near the end of her second and final set, she asked for singers from the audience. D.B. fairly ran up to the stage. Without a word from Maria, he began singing "Satan Is Real," and received a standing ovation when he was finished. Before leaving the stage, he said, "I'll do another 'un little later. Gotta git me some fud now, see?"
The group took Maria to her apartment, and then drove back to Dime Box.
In Nashville, Mosath Eyskin continued an internal debate, still sitting beside his car. "What should be done about this Jetson? Who is Jetson? Is he an idiot? Smart like St. Taw says? Wait a minute, St. Taw didn't say he was smart; he just asked for an opinion. So, what's my opinion? I think he's dumb. But, that could be a trick question. What's St. Taw getting at? Does he really know? Is St. Taw smart? He seems dumb too. Oh heck, I'll flip a coin."
Chapter 36
St. Taw was cooling
his heels at the Mathis Motor Court. D.B., Jaguar, D.B., and a girl named Buffy
(whose facial features slightly reminded him of the Eyskin clan) had suddenly
decided to go to Nashville. And La-Pau, after discussing the contents of Decave
with Jaguar, had disappeared as mysteriously as she had appeared.
It might have been for the best though. St. Taw now had time to reflect on all
that happened in the last couple of days. Were his theories of Belly IQ tenable
or was there a logical inconsistency that he was missing?
Doubt had begun to creep in.
It was then that St. Taw decided to take a walk. A fateful walk that was to
change the course of Belly history.
+++
The next morning, Mosath Eyskin sat in his office and called St. Taw. He had taken a taxi; his car was still locked in the downtown parking lot. "Alex, I met Jetson."
St. Taw said, "And?"
Eyskin said, "Why don't you tell me what you know about him first?"
St. Taw said, "You don't need anything from me. You know what you think. You tell me."
Eyskin replied, "Oh, sure, I know. I just thought I'd let you go first, since you've been researching Belly intelligence. I haven't."
St. Taw said, "Eyskin, tell me what you think, or this call is over."
Eyskin said, "OK. Average. Not average in every cognitive category, in fact, above average in some. But, overall, average."
St. Taw asked, "What the hell does that mean?"
Eyskin said, "Well, it's not like I had a chance to administer a comprehensive battery of tests." Reaching into his pocket, Eyskin pulled out a napkin from the Nashville Hilton. "Here's one thing, St. Taw, Jetson does have a familiarity with Mexican cuisine. Just last night he ordered some dishes most people would not be familiar with. Here they are: 'bese mi asno', 'cogida usted mismo', 'vaya al infierno'. I've had them, of course, having traveled widely in South America. I wouldn't have expected Jetson to know about then, however."
St. Taw said, "Right. Tell me about those dishes, Eyskin."
Eyskin said, "Oh, it's been so long. Basic Mexican peasant preparations. Interior food, I'd say."
St. Taw said, "Eyskin, those are scatological terms from the Mexican vernacular, not items of cuisine."
Eyskin said, "They must have double meanings. Which ones do you have in mind?"
St. Taw said, "Roughly, 'kiss my ass', 'fuck yourself' and 'go to hell'. Spend half an hour on the Mexican street, and you'll hear them hundreds of times."
Eyskin said, "Of course. Funny that they'd use the same terms for food dishes. That's the famous Latin sense of humor for you. Anyway, just out of curiosity, tell me about your test results for Jetson."
St. Taw said, "You're doing great with your own testing, Eyskin. Just go with what you know." And he hung up.
Mosath Eyskin sat and thought, "So, Jetson's dumb after all.
I knew it. Now, what should I do with him?"
Chapter 37
Whenever he was
rattled or confused, St. Taw usually resorted to bourbon. Sometimes, however, he
practiced the Abercrombian form of self-enlightenment, WATTY (Walkin' And Talkin'
To Yourself). Archie had developed WATTY during the Civil War when all his
friends were dying and he had no one to talk to but himself.
WATTY was, however, not for neophytes. Extreme caution was advised for anyone
who practiced WATTY because it could become so intense that it tended to obscure
reality. Practioners could start walkin' and forget they were walkin' and end up
who knows where. Some walkers and talkers have been discovered five hundred
miles from where they started.
No such problems for St. Taw. He was an experienced W&T and while one shoe
sometimes slipped into an alternate universe, the other shoe always stayed
firmly in this world.
He had been WATTYing for about three hours when he came upon the Mathis B6. In
front of the store was a newstand holding copies of the Mathis Mail & Femail,
the local weekly. St. Taw did not usually read papers, listen to radio, or watch
television because he was too self-absorbed but the picture on the front page
caught his eye. It was a picture of Jaguar and some cute blonde. St. Taw's
interest was piqued and he quickly deposited the necessary coinage to obtain a
copy. He began reading about how Jaguar and Buffy (the blonde's name) were
responsible for the big find at Decave and were probably going to reap financial
windfalls from it. But St. Taw already had an inkling of that. What intrigued
him most was how the article described the relationship between Jaguar and
Buffy. They were engaged!
Maybe this was the key he had been searching for; the one that the mysterious
May had alluded. Finally, there was a bridge to the Bellys!
Trouble was, St.
Taw had no idea where Buffy was. The Bellys were famous for moving faster than
feces in a feen-a-mint-lined colon. Suddenly (note to readers: have you
noticed how often things happened 'suddenly' in this novel?) a thought popped
into his head. He could communicate with Buffy through the agency of the
TSM (Trans-Sans Man). All he needed was an empty 32 oz. Old Milwaukee bottle.
And that was quickly taken care of by entering the B6 he was standing in front
of and buying an OM. He didn't feel like drinking the whole bottle so he shared
it with Brouhau, the store manager.
Taking the empty OM bottle with him, he walked off in search of an isolated,
secluded location. In Mathis, that wasn't hard to find.
He then sat down on a grassy spot, with his legs crossed, emptied his mind, and
began chanting, "OM, OM, OM..." After about five minutes of this, another
voice appeared:
TSM: What is it, St. Taw?
ST: I want to communicate with Buffy Eyskin.
TSM: OK, but make the questions few and short or we'll clog up the SSH (Sans
Spiritual Hotline).
ST: You bet. I've got five questions for Buffy:
1) How do you reconcile BIQ ( Belly IQ) with BOB (Belly Outward Behavior)?
2) What do you think is the source of BIQ?
3) What would happen if the source is cut off?
4) Do the Bellys have any weaknesses?
5) Do the Bellys dream of taking over the world?
TSM: Those are some tough questions. Do you think Buffy will answer them?
ST: She has no choice but to be truthful if she's under OM.
TSM: I'll see what I can do. You owe me big time, St. Taw.
+++
The next morning in Dime Box, Buffy had been working since 5 a.m., soon after she and Bonnie had gotten back from Nashville. After putting in 50 wood-chopping swings, she had checked out the pig pens, making notes of how they were fed, toured the meat-packing operation, and visited the B6 warehouse next to D.B.'s house. By 11 a.m., she thought Bonnie might be up. She walked over to her house, and lightly knocked on the door.
Bonnie said, "Mornin'! You get any sleep?"
Buffy said, "Oh, I slept in the car. How about you? You did all the driving."
Bonnie said, "Got me four hours I reckon. That there's plenty."
Buffy said, "Well, is this a good time for some Mama Talkin', if I don't take all day?"
Bonnie said, "Sure! Long as there's coffee-drinkin' to go with it. Sit down and talk, girl."
Buffy began, "OK. Here's some ideas that have been on my mind this morning. Just more Buffy Big Ideas. It's fine if you laugh out loud; I won't blame you one bit! Some of my ideas turn out to be good ones and a whole lot of them don't. Anyway, here's what I've been thinking this morning, see?
"First off, here's something you know well and I'm just beginning to figure out. You Bellys are very smart! I know, because I'm smart enough myself, and if you're sort of perceptive, you begin to see these things.
"Bellys don't make it real easy, though, because from what I've seen so far, there's not a Belly alive who invests any ego at all in looking 'smart' the way a lot of people perceive 'smart'. The secret, I'm thinking, is just that - the Belly Way is to focus on results, not image. Save all your mental and emotional resources for specific tasks instead of diverting some to image enhancement, and it's remarkable how much sheer intelligence can be directed to various endeavors.
"Now, Bonnie, here's what I'm thinking. You said maybe I've been called to become a Belly like Grandma Maria was called. Well, it's way to early to see if I'm going to cut it with Belly Ways. I am thinking, though, that maybe I can serve a purpose here. Here's what I'm thinking. Grandma Maria came up with the idea of assigning big belly Bellys to food production and distribution, and directing small belly Bellys to academic and administrative pursuits. That was a great idea for all the reasons you've cited - it ensures that Bellys will maintain a mix of both pragmatic and theoretical points-of-view on-hand. That's brilliant. Almost all organizations lack one or the other, and they suffer as a result.
"Now, here's where one of my big ideas comes in. What I have in mind for my own children is to begin teaching them Belly Ways from day one, and along with that, also teach them educational basics far better than they'd be taught in conventional schools. I'll home school, in other words, but with a Belly School. My kids will be better educated in Yankee ways than Yankees, and also be thoroughly educated in Belly Ways. They will be subject to Grandma Maria's assignment policy - big bellies do food, and small bellies do books as adults, but all my Belly children will be better educated than a good 99% of the country, any country. And they'll believe in Belly Ways! And know them!
"See, Bonnie, I think Bellys need to be worried. Concerned about losing Belly Ways to Yankee Ways. Generations ago, it was enough to teach Belly children how to focus on a single task and master it. Now, there are too many distractions out there. Belly children need to understand all of them. That way, they'll see that Belly Ways are better ways.
"And one more thing, Bonnie. Combine Belly Ways with a comprehensive knowledge of Yankee Ways, and I'm telling you, Belly Ways can change the world. Flat out change the world, one Belly at a time. I believe that."
Bonnie said, "I couldn't a said it better myself. Matter a fact, I couldn't a said it. I know just what you mean, though, and I've thought the same dadgum thing. Well, dadgum close to the same thing. I wouldn't a ever talked it though, Buffy. I just ain't got the talkin' in me, not that talkin'. Shoot, gal, you got the right idea. Bellys need that kind a schoolin'. I'm with you, girl. You keep thinkin' like that. It's gonna take you a while to get your ideas turned into doin', but dadgum it, you keep with it. If you don't, dadgum it, I'll have to give you a whuppin'. Belly Way rules is rules, see?"
+++
TSM: "You get that? Message over. Hang up now, hear?"
St. Taw came out of
his OM induced meditation. He felt much better than he had the first time coming
out. Even in the hot Texas sun his perspiration was minimal.
He knew it would be at least a few hours before TSM got back to him. Yes, Buffy
was the key. A non-Belly who aspired Bellydom. But she wasn't doing it for the
usual reasons: love of food, fun, and adventure. No, she was doing it for
intellectual reasons.
It was obvious, wasn't it? She was searching for the symbols of her soul.
Only, what if, when she found them, they weren't exactly what she was looking
for?
St. Taw smiled. Now that will be interesting...
Chapter 38
St. Taw's phone beeped. It was Mosath Eyskin again. Crap, what now? "St. Taw, I've just made a discovery. I don't know how you missed it - Jetson ordered those dishes specifically to mock me! Can't you see? That impudent ditch digger actually dared to try to make fun of me! I really don't see how that escaped your attention earlier."
St. Taw said, "We all have bad days, Eyskin. What's your point?"
Eyskin replied, "Can't you see? He acted like me! That's the kind of thing I do all the time. I love doing that! It's wonderful! Of course, I do a much better job, much, much. Here's the point - Bellys are just like normal people if you can corrupt them with a little knowledge here and there that stretches them a bit past their tunnel vision, or ditch vision, or whatever the hell it is. In other words, destroy them with books! Especially bad books! I do bad books brilliantly! Everyone tells me! St. Taw, I can take down the Bellys! Don't you see?"
St. Taw thought. For once, Eyskin might be onto something...might. Better think about this. There are firsts for everything, but you don't want to push probability too dadgum hard. "Interesting idea, Eyskin. Keep me informed, OK?"
+++
Minutes later, Eyskin called again. "St. Taw, I have a plan. I love it when I get a plan! Here are the weapons I will use to destroy the Bellys. Books, bad books. Here are the titles of the first batch:
"Got that? This will work! I just know it's going to work great!"
Chapter 39
When St. Taw reached
Decave, Jaguar and DB had not yet returned. He thought why not. I'll take a
look.
Walking carefully into the cave, he slowly took the measure of it. In one corner
stood a bookshelf with ten shelves. On each shelf were ten books. St. Taw walked
over and chose one book at random. He noticed the title, 'Lower Alcolu in 1642'.
He spoke out loud, "Mmm, Lower Alcolu. Why does that name sound familiar?" There
was an old chair with ten legs in the opposite corner and he went over and sat
down in it. He then began to thumb through the dusty pages of the book. He
stopped at page 46 and began reading:
"It is with trembling hand that I write these words. I am old now and my time on
earth will soon be over. Before leaving, I must reveal the dark secret that I
have kept inside me these last seventy-eight years. Many are calling this land
America. But that is a lie. This land was really discovered and settled by Joe
Texalina in 1501. It should be named in his honor. It should be called Texalina.
"The King of England, Henry the VIII, in the early 1500's, knighted Joe and
officially awarded him this land. It was to stretch in a straight line from the
Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific. Joe could call whatever he wished but Henry
recommended he call it Texalina after himself. Joe, being an average joe, was
reluctant to do so, but gave in under friendly pressure from family and friends.
"Texalina was to be a great land. A land where men and women could cohabitate
and procreate in true freedom. It was to be a place where men and women, no
matter their racial, ethnic, or religious background could live in peace and
prosperity. Even the red man was welcomed.
"But then disaster struck. The Texalina family and friends who had settled in
Lower Alcolu near the coast were beset upon by hordes from the north who swept
down upon them with muskets and swords. All the Texalina family died. Except one
young man around the age of 16. He had gone hunting with his dog that day and
when he had returned everything he had ever known had been destroyed.
"Knowing that he was in danger he left that same day and ended up at a point
about 90 miles north northeast of Lower Alcolu. There he built a cabin, married
a local girl, and developed a local restaurant business. He specialized in
bar-b-que pork. His name: William Atlantis Sam. His friends called him WAS.
"I called him Great-Great Grandadday.
"Slopporium Oscar Sam (Written just off the LA Kingsway, 1645)"
St. Taw put down the book. So it was true. He really was in Texalina.
Chapter 40
That evening, Jaguar returned to the motel, looking forward to calling Buffy. "Hi, darlin'. How you doin' on the Belly Ways?"
Buffy said, "It's great, Jag! I know you probably think I'm crazy, but dadgum it, I'm having the time of my life, except for one thing."
Jaguar asked, "What's that, darlin'?"
Buffy said, "You're not here."
Jaguar said, "Shoot, I know. Well, dadgum, I got to get this dirtin' done right, you know that. Sure do miss you though, dadgum it. I'll be up there this weekend. Line shack?"
Buffy said, "Yes! I just love this place! The bed sure is empty without you in it, that't the only problem. Anyway, Jag, I'm not going to go on and on about that. Maybe we can talk about it this weekend. I want to be with you. If that means moving down there while you're in Mathis, or moving to College Station, well, I'll talk. I sure want to learn Belly Ways, though. Can you understand what I'm talking about?"
Jaguar said, "Dadgum right, Buf. Not all of it, but shoot, I'm plumb tickled that you like the Belly Ways. And, shoot, I won't deny that there's a mess of 'em I don't know the first thing about. You can teach me on 'em! Shoot, I'd plumb love that! Always did wonder how Mama got that wood split so dadgum clean ever dadgum time. You figured that out?"
Buffy said, "No, I can't say I have! I'm still swinging at a stump. I haven't graduated to a log yet. I will, though! I just know it. I may never be as good as your mama, in fact, I'm pretty sure I won't, but I'm going to do me some log splitting! You just watch!"
Jaguar said, "Darlin', I don't doubt that for a minute. Listen here, while I'm thinkin' 'bout it, I better get this money crap out of the way.
"UT's done with their biddin', and the appraiser Beulah Faye hired is settled on the total payment. Comes to twenty million after all the expenses been took off. The City Of Mathis gets half. That leaves ten million. So, as the legal finders, we get five a piece. UT's gonna send the payments out tomorrow. We got Beulah Faye's lawyers here to make sure it's all square. That'll do it with the money stuff, see?"
Buffy said, "Dadgum! That's great, Jag! I don't have any business being listed as a finder, though. That's you!"
Jaguar said, "The hell it is. I'd a never found the dadgum Decave if it hadn't been for you. That's the fair dirt deal, darlin', no special favorin' 'cause I'm sweet on you. That's your share, fair and square. I was thinkin' 'bout cuttin' doc Jacuzzi in too, since it was him that put us to diggin' there. But, shoot, I reckon he gave that up when he went sorry on us. You know he's in jail down here, don't you?"
Buffy said, "Matter of fact, Jag, Jacuzzi didn't have anything to do with picking that site, not that it matters. I picked it. Jacuzzi was off somewhere in Europe when the archeology department had to pick a place to spend some digging money or lose it. I'd been reading a book about the legend of The Order Of the Ten, so I booked us for the dig, almost on a lark. I screwed up by letting Jacuzzi act like he was in charge once we got down there. He wasn't savvy enough to even get the digging permit done right. Of course, that worked out well for us, didn't it? Anyway, he's not entitled to anything, really, by dirt deal standards or anything else."
Jaguar said, "Dadgum, Buffy, you're one smart archeologin' feller! Don't you miss it? Don't you want to see the stuff we're gettin' out of the Decave?"
Buffy said, "Not really, Jag. I'm excited about the Decave, and I want to see the artifacts sooner or later. I'm just not focused on archeology anymore, though. Darlin', I'm purely focused on you! Breedin' with you, making babies and teaching the babies. Teaching them Belly Ways, darlin', and I've got to learn them myself before I'll be much good at teaching.
"Now, I think I will finish up my Master's if I get into UT. If that happens, I'd guess that I'll be in on archiving the Decave finds. That would be great. I'd like to be a part of that team. But after that, Jag, I want to live right here on the Belly Place, be the best Belly I can be, make you the happiest man on earth, and make sweet Belly babies, see? And, in the meantime, even if I get into UT, I really want to live here on the Belly Place. If I can, that is, without going crazy with missing you all the time."
Jaguar said, "Well, darlin', I know I'm plumb lucky. I don't understand everything about what you've got on that mind a yours, but I sure do like the parts that I do understand, see? Anyway, back to this money stuff. Darlin', you got to get me a bank account to put this in. UT ain't gonna cut checks, since there's so dadgum much money. They'll do wire transfers. Goodness sakes, don't tell uncle D. He'll be after me forever for not takin' cash. Anyway, tell me where to send the dadgum dollars to, and you'll have yourself five dadgum million extra of 'em tomorrow. Don't forget them taxes, a course. I'm gonna get me some new mud flaps too! Stainless steel!"
Chapter 41
Just minutes later, Jaguar called Buffy again, "Darlin', there's something I want you to do. This is real important. Come down here to Mathis. There's something happening tomorrow that you need to see."
Buffy asked, "What is it, Jag?"
Jaguar said, "It's about the Decave, Buf. Look, this is your outfit. You have the connection to this find. Now that I've been thinkin' about how you picked the dig site, I'm thinkin' it's real important for you to be here. My connection's with the dirt, and that's it. I don't know the first thing 'bout the rest of it. You know 'bout why that stuff under the dirt is worth diggin'. Buffy, you need to get down here.
"Listen, I can't even tell you in words why you need to be here in the mornin', I just know it's important. This here's like how you say it's important for you to learn Belly Ways. I don't quite get it, but you want me to go along with your ideas. Maybe you're right, but I still don't quite get it. I'm tellin' you, Buf, you need to get down here to Mathis. I know you need to be here, I just ain't got words to put on it no more than what I done said, see?"
Buffy said, "Well, alright. I'll head out early in the mornin', Jag."
Buffy then called Bonnie, "Hey, Bonnie, I won't be around tomorrow. Jag called up, sayin' it's important for me to be down in Mathis."
Bonnie said, "Is somethin' wrong down there?"
Buffy said, "I don't think so. Seems like he just wants me down there for some reason. He's been wanting me to take more credit for the dig, I reckon, so maybe that's it. Pose for a picture with UT folks or something. Nice thought, but I could sure live without it. I really don't know just what he's talking about. I'm a little pissed off, to tell you the truth. Seems like I just can't get into a steady routine with my training. I'm not going to get very good at Belly Ways if I keep starting and stopping every other day. But, heck, he's asked me to come down, and says it's important. I've been asking the same of him, in a way, so I guess I'd be pretty sorry if I didn't answer the call here."
Bonnie said, "You're dadgum right you'd be sorry! Buffy, you've to to understand somethin'. If there's a number one Belly Way rule, it's that when a Belly calls for help, the kind of help that ain't actin' up, you answer the dadgum call! Now, if you get down there and find out that Jaguar's told you to get down there for no good reason, well, you all will have to get that straightened out. I'll tell you somethin', though. When Jaguar's workin' dirt, he flat don't mess around. If he's sayin' come down while he's dirtin', you can be purty dadgum sure that he's talkin' 'bout somethin' serious.
"Now, I see what you mean 'bout you've been askin' the same of him, on this where to live bidness, and he ain't seein' that you're serious, like he's serious 'bout dirtin'. Well, you listen to me, gal. You're the one that's got the big idea, 'bout settin' up Belly Schools and maybe makin' some new Belly Rules. You got to have the big patience too. You get that in your mind. I'm not sayin' what you should do, but what you got to do! Or else I'm gonna give you a whuppin, see? I ain't foolin' 'round! You get into a fool spat 'bout where to live, wastin' time on such as that, instead of bringin' Jaguar along as best as he'll come, and you'll be screwin' Bellys is what you'll be doin'! That's me! And you don't want me on your ass, gal!
"So what I'm tellin' you is you get down there to Mathis. If Jaguar's called you down for some fool reason, you tell him good and proper that he owes you one. If he ain't, you say thank you, and tell him you ain't gonna tell him what to do for no fool reason either, at least not if you can help it. What I'm tellin' you, gal, is you got a big job to do if you're serious 'bout your big ideas. And I'm tellin' you too that if you ain't serious, I'm gonna be on the warpath against you. See?"
Buffy said, "Gosh, I guess so. Dadgum, Bonnie, I'm glad you're taking my ideas seriously. On the other hand, maybe I'm not so glad! You're not going to let me drop them even if I want to, are you?"
Bonnie said, "I can't make you do nothin', Buffy. What I dadgum well can do is try my best to keep you goin' on 'em. Looky here, I can't put together somethin' like a Belly School. I just ain't got the learnin' for that. If I could have, I'd a already done it. I think you can, gal. It ain't gonna be real easy, but you can do it. Now, why the hell wouldn't I want to kick your ass along to doin' it? I aint' gonna live forever, and neither's any a the rest of us Bellys. Shoot, you think we want to just let Belly Ways slip away if we can help it? Hell no! So what I'm sayin' is I'm gonna do what I can to help you along on your ideas, the best way I can figure out how to do it, see?"
Buffy said, "Alright, Bonnie, I appreciate it. I'll do my best to keep my head about all this, and not lose sight of the big hole here. I'll give you a call from Mathis, OK? Oh heck, Bonnie, I almost forgot. Here's something that's happening tomorrow that I do know about. UT's doing the payout for the artifacts. Ten million! Jag insists that I take half of that, so, shoot, I'll be a dadgum millionaire tomorrow! Can you believe it?"
Bonnie said, "Well, good! Seems like you ain't real excited 'bout it."
Buffy said, "Oh, I am I guess. Now that I've thought about it a little while, the main thing it means to me is that maybe Jag, and you all too, won't think I'm after him for his money. And then, unless I get really stupid, I'll have all the money I'll ever need to work on learning and teaching Belly Ways the rest of my life. That's a heck of a blessing, isn't it?"
Bonnie said, "Dadgum right it is, and blessin's just the right word there, gal. Money ain't real big in Belly Ways, but when you've got it, you're supposed to do somethin' with it, and we ain't real good at that if you want to know the truth 'bout it. Shoot, fact is, Bellys been gettin' more money than most of us know how to spend 'cause we just ain't big money folks. Donnie Bob's got enough money all by hisself to buy the dadgum county, and he don't even know it. He'll give it away by the pound just so he won't have to tote it along with his Moon Pies. I reckon we could use some learnin' 'bout that mess. But, shoot, we can't learn everthing all at once, gal."
Chapter 42
At 11 p.m. the same night, Buffy knocked on the door of Jaguar's motel room in Mathis. After a couple of minutes, he opened the door. Clearly, he'd just awakened. "Dadgum! Come in here, darlin'!"
After a long kiss, Buffy said, "I figured if I was going to make the drive, I was dadgum well gonna spend the night with my man! I've sure missed you, Jag."
Jaguar said, "Same here, darlin', big time. I'm sure glad you're here! You just don't know, Buf. Listen, it's been on my mind for days now that you ought to be here to see the Decave before we close it up. Well, we're gonna do that tomorrow. The City Of Mathis may open it back up later, but to keep the place safe, we're gonna put a concrete seal in tomorrow. Could be that no one will ever go inside it again. You need to see it, dadgum it! Shoot, Buffy, that's your discovery! You're the one that was lookin' for what used to be there, the only one. I was just diggin' nice little holes, and Jacuzzi was just lookin' for easy money. You made the dadgum find happen.
"Now, here's another reason I want you there tomorrow, and you won't know what the hell I'm talkin' about I know. That's why I didn't even try to explain on the phone. You've never heard of her, but there's a lady down here that's got a connection to the Decave, a big 'un. She's called La-Pau, and.."
Buffy exclaimed, "La-Pau?! She died hundreds of years ago!"
Jaguar said, "Well, dadgum, I talked to her just yesterday. She was lookin' purty alive to me."
Buffy said, "Dadgum, Jag! This is huge! If there's a current La-Pau, a reigning His or Her Highness Of Decadence, a live one, dadgum! That would be like finding a living Caesar or Pharaoh! I want to meet her for sure! But, how in the world do you know about her? How do you know she's who she claims to be?"
Jaguar said, "All I know is that folks around here call her just what you were sayin' - HHD and La-Pau. I"m a dirter, 'member? I never claimed to know 'bout this history stuff. I'll tell you something, though, Buffy, for the first time I can 'member, I'm thinkin' maybe I should have read a book or two 'bout this stuff. Shoot, if it hadn't been for you and doc Franklin from UT, I wouldn't know the first thing 'bout all that stuff we've been haulin' out a there. Somebody ought to know 'bout that stuff! It makes the dirt special, see, and I reckon I ought to know somethin' 'bout stuff that makes dirt more special than what it already was, see?"
Buffy said, "My goodness, is my man having a book moment? Shoot, I don't know if I can handle this! I think you're right though, Jag. You can learn a lot about dirt from dirt, but you'd be surprised how much you can get out of a good book too, not that there aren't a bunch of books that will waste your time. Well, you do books as you like, darlin'. I'll be glad to read 'em too if you find some good ones."
Jaguar said, "I'll sure do that, Buf. Anyway, back to La-Pau. She's gonna be at the Decave tomorrow! Before we take out the last bunch of stuff, she's gonna take a tour. There will be just her, you and me. We'll give it as much time as she wants. The way I understand it, she's a living connection to all that stuff and everything it stands for. You're the connection to finding it, and I'm the dirt feller that dug it up. See what I mean? You ought to be there! Dadgum, Buffy, it's just something I feel even more than something I know. Sounds all dumb, but I can't help it, see?"
Buffy said, "I sure do see! And I sure do love what you feel, Jag! Let me give you somethin' else to feel, darlin'!" Buffy pushed Jaguar back on the bed and tightly embraced him, beginning a deep kiss. After several minutes, Jaguar sat up on the bed, saying. "Darlin', there's one more thing, and we got to talk 'bout it now, I'm thinkin'.
"Here's somethin' I've been thinkin'. La-Pau could seal our deal tomorrow, right there in the Decave. I know it ain't my call, it's yours, but that's what I've been thinkin'. That dirt there on top of the Decave is special 'cause that there's where we come together, to breedin' together, see. If it hadn't been for that dirt, we wouldn't never have come to a deal. Dadgum, Buf, it sure seems to me that amongst that dirt would be the right place for us to seal the deal, see?"
Buffy said, "Dadgum! Shoot, Jag, you're just full of surprises! Shockers! Here you are talkin' 'bout maybe readin' a book, and gettin' on with the deal too! Wow, that's a big thought. Married, or sealin' the deal right there where we came together, married by the living descendent of an ancient royal family. Gosh, just days ago, I was wondering if you'd have me. Now, I reckon you're sayin' you dadgum sure do. I sure like that, Jag!"
Jaguar said, "Dadgum right! Shoot, Buf, I sure do want to breed with you! If you don't know that now, I reckon you'll figure it out!
"Listen here, on top of bein' HHD, La-Pau knows all about OM Ways! Shoot, she closed an OM deal her own self, least that's how she done it one of them times; I reckon she's been through a few fellers - that's just what them HHDs do far's I can tell. Here's what I'm thinkin' if you go along with it. We can drain the bottle tomorrow, just you and me, uncle D. for a Belly witness and La-Pau doin' the deal. Then, we can do the legal deal in Dime Box later on if that's what you want, whenever you want to. We got to do both deals, see, but you can't do 'em both at the same time. I'm just sayin' the OM deal sure would fit in the Decave, see?"
Buffy said, "Well, shoot, let's do it! Dadgum, Jag, let's seal the OM deal! Now, stop the dadgum talkin' and let's breed, darlin'!"