First, I love you.
Second, I hope someday you will really believe that.
When you think about love I hope it will be my love and not the old love that you think about. And you will know beyond a doubt that my love for you will never EVER become like the old love. You can try to push me away as you were trying today a bit, you can shut yourself off from me when I start to get close, you can change the subject, you can tell me I'm wrong, you can tell me to mind my own business, and you can break my heart everyday into a million little pieces but until you tell me to leave you the fuck alone, that you hate my putrid guts, you never loved me and would rather return to the old love before seeing my ugly face again, I will not let you push me away. No matter how many times or how often you break my heart, that little secret piece I gave to you the first time I said I love you will always remain intact and will stay strong enough to bring the rest of my heart back together gaining strength for the next time it breaks.
I know love scares you and with good reason but just because I haven't known the old love doesn't mean that I am all knowing about love or that it doesn't scare the shit out of me to. Believe me it does. I may be scared for different reasons but I still am. I've wondered many times if maybe you're only with me because you think you can't do any better than a self conscious, average looking loner. That maybe you don't really love me and only think you do because you haven't experienced this love before. That maybe you got close to me only because we are far away and I'm the safest that love can get, can't touch you, can't see you, and 99% of the time can't hear you. That maybe once you start to really notice all the other people out there that can give you a lot more than I can give you, you will drop me without hesitation. Or maybe you will start to realize that you really don't want us going anywhere beyond the computer screen and you will just drop out of cyberspace, block my calls and pretend the past fourteen months never happened and the heart you keep stepping on means nothing. I'm scared that I will say the wrong thing to you and make you fear love more. That I will act in a way that brings a flash of the old love back and you will think my love is that 'love'. That I will push you a little too hard when I'm having a bad day and you will decide it was one push too much and leave. That I will make you think I would let something happen with someone, or want something to happen with someone, just because they are here and I'm friends with them. That I will go too far with my sarcasm and jokes and you will take it seriously and believe what I only joke about is true. I'm scared I will fuck this up with you because I can't say the right words to take away your pain and really let you see how much you mean to me. I'm scared you will read this and not believe a word I say.
I need more words than 'I love you'. I need a word that will sum up all the mix of feelings I have in my heart for you, all the things that connect my soul to yours, all the tears I have cried for you, all the flutters in my stomach I've felt because of you, all the dreams I've had of you, all the stars I've wished on to bring you to me, all the days I have spent wondering what you're doing, all the moons I have seen and smiled at because you've seen them to, all the hours I've spent talking to you, all the times I've asked my dad to keep watch over you, all the restless nights I've had wishing you were in my arms, all the longing looks I've given to your picture wishing it was you in person that I was looking at, all the kisses I've wanted to give you, all the heartaches I've felt for being so far away from you, all the times I've written your name and mine together to see how they look, all the times I've thought about our future, all the times I've smiled knowing I have you in my life, all the breaths I've taken that ended with your name, all the time I've spent wondering if I'm good enough for you, all the touches I have ached to feel from you, all the sorrow I've felt at not being able to make things better for you, all the years before I met you that I dreamt about loving someone just like you, and all the years that I want to spend at your side laughing with you, loving with you, living with you.
I haven't experienced any more of this kind of love than you have and I don't pretend to know the first thing about anything, but I do know that when I smile just because I see your name, get a flutter in my stomach because of what you say, am happy because I know that sometime durning the day I will get to talk to you, get giddy after hearing your voice, feel like the day is empty when we aren't together for even a few minutes, miss you even when we're talking, and feel like I would die if I ever lost you, this is love. This is real love and the only kind of love you will have from me. It is not the old love nor will it ever be, it is not a fleeting love nor will it ever be, and it is not a weak love nor will it ever be. You mean the world to me and my life without you would not be worth living.
I love you, Lisa. Three words straight from my heart, I hope they're enough. Kisses sweetheart. |
