Sitting at my computer, the relaxing sounds of ocean waves and seagulls float from the speakers. The room shows evidence of my attempts at writing the great canadian novel as notebooks and papers are strewn about. A pile of old newspapers sit in the corner and novels line the wall of the nearly empty room. Within sight are three pens and a pencil and behind me are many more. Two remotes sit on the desk near my monitor, one for the tv and one for the stereo. And my cell phone sits close by, always silent and spending money I don't have to keep it there, just in case.
I am a novice writer hoping to make a difference in the world, yet I don't know how. I have only recently begun to see myself for who I am and wish to help other see themselves for who they are as well. I am a lesbian and proud of my sexuality but for many years I was afraid of what that would mean for my life. I had many questions and no one to ask or help me to find the answers. At times I considered it easier to never know and go on pretending to be who everyone, including myself, had once believed I was. I was depressed, angry, and scared, but also curious and wanting what I was feeling to be real and not just a fleeting attraction or rebellious thought. As the stress of seemingly unanswerable questions filled my mind day after day, month after month, year after year, I finally picked up a pack of cigarettes during the last and most difficult part of accepting my sexuality. I had hopes that the momentary stress relief and heavenly light-headedness would be enough to help me forget about something that could never be forgotten. For a very short time it was almost enough for me to continue sucking from them all the pseudo-support I could, but after only a month I gave it up. The illusion of calmness wasn't complete enough to let me forget that they could lead me down a path of illness, yet another stressor I didn't need at the time. I quit before getting addicted and turned instead to the sweet and caring support of strangers, though found some who were anything but.
In talking to these nameless, faceless individuals I began to find myself and piece myself together. Faceless had been my preference for a long time and sometimes still is as low self esteem and self confidence have been enemies of mine for far too long. I could not look in the mirror without seeing a dozen things wrong and I avoided looking myself in the eye afraid of what I would see. I believed myself unattractive, boyish, and never the object of anyone's affection. Love was foreign to me and the thought of ever finding love was nearly impossible in my mind. I had suicidal thoughts and tried a couple of ways of hurting myself, but never anything that was close to a suicide attempt. If I had been stronger I may have taken bigger steps, but today I can say I am so glad I was weak.
I have tried to work away from how I was before and in some areas I think I have done great. When I turned to strangers for support, what I found was the life that I wanted. I found a love that has filled my heart and a pride for who I am. Love gave me the support I needed to see that I had been mistaken about myself. Still not completely comfortable with my appearance I don't see myself anymore in the way I had before. I can look in the mirror and see flashes of a cute gurl looking back and what I see when I look in my eyes doesn't frighten me. I am loveable and worth someone's time and effort at making a go of a relationship. My self esteem still isn't great but it to is getting better as the more I see myself the more I come to realize what others see as well. And I am determined to let everyone know I am proud to be a lesbian. My sexuality is nothing to be hidden or ashamed of, it gives me strength to stand up for my beliefs and desires. It has made me a better person wanting to make a difference in the lives of other people who have struggled in one way or another because of how individuals or society or even how they themselves view who they are.
I still may not be above all my issues but I can say without a doubt I know who I am. I am a proud lesbian with a caring heart and a few problems common to many people. I am a writer struggling to find the words to touch hearts and change lives with the hope of making the world a better place for even just one person. I am a gurl that loves over oceans, mountains, continents and timezones longing for the day to be able to love without distance. I am a happy introvert that talks little and spends more time alone than some people think is healthy. And I am a thinker that believes in equality, acceptance, and tolerance but doesn't understand when others don't believe the same. I have my differences to the world and I have my similarities, just as everyone else, that is what makes me, me.
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