Quotes: "May your life be like a roll of toilet paper - long and useful" ~Anonymous "They can't break you if you don't have a spine" ~Scott Adams (writer of the Dilbert comic strip) "In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that he did not also limit his stupidity." ~Konrad Adenauer "They say a man eats a prune every 20 seconds. I don't know who this fella is but I know where I'd find him." ~Morey Amsterdam "Fortunately, I live in the United States of America, where we are gradually coming to understand that nothing we do is ever our fault, especially if it is really stupid" ~Dave Barry "Mark my words, when a society has to resort to the lavatory for its humour, the writing is on the wall." ~Alan Bennett "I really didn't say everything I said." ~Yogi Berra "Thank you for making this day necessary." ~Yogi Berra "Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded." ~Yogi Berra "It's deja vu all over again!" ~Yogi Berra "When you come to a fork in the road, take it." ~Yogi Berra "You can observe a lot by watching." ~Yogi Berra "A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice." ~Bill Cosby "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population" ~David Letterman "It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it" ~Sam Levenson "I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception." ~Groucho Marx "Time wounds all heels." ~Groucho Marx "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." ~Groucho Marx "You're just wasting your breath and that's no great loss either." ~Groucho Marx "Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else" ~Will Rogers "When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years" ~Mark Twain "Beer commercials are so patriotic: 'Made the American Way.' What does that have to do with America? Is that what America stands for? Feeling sluggish and urinating frequently?" ~Evelyn Waugh "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four; unless there are three other people." ~Orson Welles "As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two..." ~Sir Norman Wisdom "Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it." ~Henry Youngman Famous last words: "I'm not ready yet, won't be gone a minute." "Hey guys, watch this!" "Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does.." "Don't worry, hippoes are harmless." "Dear, this wine tastes strange." "Oh come on, what are the odds of THAT happening?" "No really, I'm fine." "It's ok, my brother fixed the brakes this morning." "Duck? What for?" "A world-wide flood? Ha! I think Noah's losing his marbles." "Aw, I can make that light if I step on it." "So you're a cannibal? Riiiight..." "Yeah, of course it's unplugged"