On The Jazz
On The Jazz Newsletter: Volume 2 Issue N°17

Date: May 21, 1996
Author: Nicole Pellegrini
Download: otjv02i17.zip

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The totally unofficial A-Team electronic mail newsletter
***** Now in it's second year of publication !! *****

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Administrivia: Nicole Pellegrini
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*Home of the On the Jazz Newsletter Archives**
DATE:   May 21, 1996
ISSUE:  17
Hi everyone! Time to get down to business...

More than a few little tidbits to report this Issue! First, some summer movie info. Mr. T is appearing in at least a cameo in the new Leslie Neilsen comedy, "Spy Hard," due to be released this week. Rest assured, your truly will be seeing it and will report just how much screen time T actually has in the film. He plays, of all things, a helicopter pilot(!).

Also finally to be released this summer is "Alaska," starring Dirk Benedict and Charleton Heston. A short description I read of the film went as follows:
ALASKA (Sony) 1:40 - Two children brace the rugged Alaskan wilderness to rescue their father after his small plane crashes. Along the way they befriend a polar bear who helps them in their mission.
I haven't read an exact release date for this one yet, however, but stay tuned...
Came up with reports on several upcoming conventions on the web recently. You can see Dwight Schultz at 2 conventions this summer in the states, Fantasticon and the 2nd Annual Trek Time Convention. The info I found on each goes as follows:
July 5-7, 1996
2nd Annual Trek Time Convention
Doubletree Resort, Clearwater Beach FL
Guests: Terry Farrell, Dwight Schultz
Call: (800) 477-TREK for information
The Fantasticon is August 2-4 at the L.A. Airport Hilton. Ticket prices are $35 a day at the door with open seating, or you can get a pass to sit in rows 9-17 for $120 for all 3 days. Open seating is available and runs $90 for all 3 days, $70 for Sat & Sun, or $35 per day at the door. So far, they have over 50 guests signed up, however they don't know who will be speaking, who will be signing autographs, or who will do both.

As of 4-24, they have recieved pledges to appear from Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley, Majel Barrett, James Doohan, Nichelle Nichols, George Takei, Michael Ansara, Anthony Caruso, John Colicos, Robin Curtis, Gary Lockwood, Charles Napier, France Nuyen, Morgan Woodward, William Windom, John Winston, BRUCE BOXLEITNER, RICHARD BIGGS, CLAUDIA CHRISTIAN, MIRA FURLAN, STEPHEN FURST, WALTER KOENIG, PETER JURASIK, PATRICIA TALLMAN, Avery Brooks, Rene Auberjonois, Terry Farrell, Max Grodenchik, Colm Meaney, Robert O'Reilly, Nana Visitor, Armin Shimerman, Alexander Siddig, Andrew Robinson, Robert Beltran, Jennifer Lein, Robert Duncan-McNeil, Ethan Phillips, Robert Picardo, Tim Russ, Garrett Wang, Michael Dorn, Jonathan Frakes, Gates MsFaddenn, Marina Sirtis, John deLancie, Dwight Schultz. Tucker Smallwood, Roddy McDowell, and last but not least, Buzz Aldrin!

You can get a brochure for the Con by E-Mailing [email protected], or [email protected]. The brochure comes with a flyer listing who all is attending.
I won't be making either of these cons myself (gonna be at Rebelcon in Mass. July 5-7th, and don't have the $$ for another California trip yet!), but if anyone here ends up planning on going to either let me know (I'll send you off with some flyers to distribute for 'On the Jazz' and 'Plans Scams & Vans' :-)

Also, saw an early announcement for this con for next year:
Subject: WHOLUCINATION 2 GoH: Anthony Ainley!!!
From: [email protected]
Date: 1996/05/12
X-Length: 000063a1
Status: N
Newsgroups: alt.fandom.cons,rec.arts.drwho,rec.arts.sf.fandom

I was hoping to make a personal announcement at ROC of AGES this weekend, but alas I had to work, but I do have good news, of course! Anthony has signed on as my guest for next year. Here is the basic rundown:


GoH: Anthony Ainley
Other VERY tentative guests: Dirk Benedict, Lori Petty.
Anyway, thought some of you might want to start planning early for that one! (I'll try to make it myself if he actually does confirm as a guest.)

In a final convention note, video tapes of Con Rad from last October are now available for sale, including Dwight's panel with Robert O'Reilly. I'm, of course, waiting for my copies at the moment, and can provide more details on the contents/quality once I see them for myself. If you are interested in possibly getting copies you can email Deejay at [email protected] for more info.

In a final news note, a


to Mr. T, who turns 46 today (May 21).
>In "Bad Time at the Border," who was the cockroach Murdock had in a matchbox
>supposed to be?

Lots of people got that it was Herman Melville, though the first ones in with the correct answer were [email protected], [email protected], and [email protected]. Congratulations!

And this week's question is:
>Which two team members shared the same blood type, and what type was it?

Yeah, that should be another easy one, but it's 1 am and I need more brain power to come up with a harder one :-)

This is one I've had a copy of for ONJ for a while now...it's a little bit different and a lot of fun. Unfortunately it is also the last story I currently have permission to reprint from an old out-of-print fanzine for ONJ, but hopefully in the not-so-distant future I'll have some more. In the meantime I'll be spending more of my "free" time this summer in the Penn library and elsewhere to present some more news-article reprints here (and if anyone has any they'd like to contribute, let me know!)

Thanks to Laura for letting me reprint this here.

Delimiters in the story have the following meaning:
_ denotes underline
* denotes script font
Reprinted from Starnet #5,
a newsletter, edited by Michelle L. Levigne.
by Laura Michaels
*and H. M. Murdock*

*"In the small town of Quanta Markos, a group of four adventurers arrives."*

"Carrying blasters and riding repulsorlift scooters, no doubt," the lieutenant comments.

*"No. They drive in by van, their M16s and semiautomatics in the back, but we're getting off topic. I look around the place. Normal enough looking, backwoods, small-time, atmosphere. We go into a grocery store to buy lunch. I pick a few apples (that's what they seem like) off of one of the trees growing in the building which looks like a greenhouse. My companions get some milk, oranges, spaghettis, that type of thing from the various plants. We pay in cash on our way in. Can't use credit disks if you're outlaws.*

*"We are there for a reason. I don't know what yet, but there has to be a reason."*

"Fate?" the lieutenant asks.

"Let's get inta none of that psychic jive now," the sergeant warns ominously.

*"O.K. Let's say the colonel hasn't told us why we're there yet or what our mission is."*

"Only one problem, Captain. Your colonel doesn't work that way," is the reply.

*"He does if he knows you know who won't like the idea."*

"Ain't nothin' wrong with flying so long as I'm not the one really doin' it," the sergeant puts in.

*"See. Anyway, let's say our client is vague about everything."*

"We wouldn't take the job," the lieutenant interrupts.

*"Excuses, excuses. Let me finish. Then complain all you want.*

*"The townspeople are having trouble with some renegades. That's all we know. First order of business, the colonel orders us to check out the place; give it a once over. We split up."*

"I run across some pretty local ladies," the lieutenant adds.


*"The place is like a hundred others we've seen before. Note: that's because we're experienced. The buildings are low and well camouflaged, but that hasn't helped with the local problem. The paths are all out in the open. Everything is, except the underground parts of the town. Not much of a way to defend the place.*

*"We start talking to locals to find out what's going on."*

"Now I run into the ladies," the lieutenant interjects.

*"Not yet. I could set you up playing pyramid and gambling in the casino. I could think of a lot of interesting problems to get you into from there...."*

"No thanks. I'll wait for the ladies."
*"The locals are too afraid to talk."*

"How do we get our information to solve the problem?" asks the colonel.

*"I'm coming to that. The colonel comes up with a plan, a plan of action. We have to infiltrate the renegades. That job goes, no doubt, to...."*

"Why do I always have to be the one put in those sticky situations?" the lieutenant questions.

*"Though you do have an expertise with those sorts of things, this time the job goes to me. After all, I have to narrate."*

"Really?!" the lieutenant asks incredulously. "I don't have to go in under enemy guns and all that other awful rough stuff. That's wonderful. I love this job."

*"If you don't hush, I'll take you with me for good measure."*

"Go ahead with the narration, Captain," the lieutenant urges.

*"I set out on my own on a motorcycle, something that looks like it's right out of _Road Warrior_, or...."*

"You mean it's used," the sergeant clarifies for him.

*"Yes, you could put it that way, but it takes all the picturesqueness out of it. I have a communications device with me and an M16 hidden inside my bike, thanks to the sergeant's timely genius with mechanical mechanisms."*

"That isn't very well put," the lieutenant tells him.

"Shut up and let him finish," the sergeant threatens. "It sounds fine."

*"I infiltrate the camp."*

"How?" the lieutenant wants to know.

*"Why do I have to worry about details? You never do. All right, I pretend to be a known criminal. Satisfied?"*

"Yourself?" asks the colonel.

*"No, too obvious. Let's say, a guy named Rafe Argus."*

"Won't work," the lieutenant informs him. "The name's already been used. You have to be original for this sort of thing."

*"I'm getting nowhere fast with all these interruptions. Make up a name later and stick it in, but now shh.*

*"I study our enemy, character study style. The leader is Jake Steele. He is fairly smart, intellectual, handsome (kind of), dangerous, good at strategy, kinda like the colonel. Aaron Day, his second in command, tricky, cunning, ruthless."*

"Are we going up against ourselves?" the lieutenant queries. "I think we've done that one before."

*"No. Now let me finish for once. Cammy Kerr, she's smart, very pretty, knows how to take care of herself and gets what she wants, and something else. Scenter...."*

The lieutenant interrupts, "And what else?"

*"That's for later. I don't want to give it away now."*

"You have to tell all the facts. And maybe I should have gone with you. Sounds like more interesting girls there than in town."

*"Wait, just have some patience. I'll get back to your problems later. Scenter, hired help. Cuit Comp, ditto."*

"Hold it," the lieutenant interrupts again. "We're talking lawsuit now. Those last two characters are Refugee Rebels."
*"Well, talk your girl friend into letting me borrow them."*
"I don't think she'll go for that."

*"Then replace it with some other names out of the dictionary or something. Where was I?"*

"Describing our opponents," the colonel says.

*"There's the ones I mentioned, plus anywhere from five to twenty-five others with one fourth being female. Of course, some of them should be aliens.*

*"They find out I'm spying on them."*

"I'm not surprised. After all you've found out about them, they'd be stupid not to realize something was funny," the colonel tells him.

*"I run for my bike to make a fast getaway. I head for the woods."*

"A motorcycle can't drive well through trees," the lieutenant comments.

*"Not real woods. They sort of look like it, but they're not. They're alien. You prefer the term cover, as in 'I head for cover', substitute that.*

*"These renegades aren't like the people we generally handle. They're good shots. They shoot the bike out from under me; gun it to pieces."*

"You're right, they're nothing like the MPs. They miss a target as big as the sergeant's van at point blank range," says the colonel.

"Lucky fer them," the sergeant says in a mean, threatening tone.

"Yeah, but they did manage to knock off such a small target as the antenna for the mobile phone," the lieutenant says.

*"Freak shot. They were aiming for the tires."*

"Better hope they never aim for the antenna," the lieutenant adds. "They may hit the tires."

"They mess with my van, they'll be real sorry."

*"Back to the narration. I take my communicator and run. I call for help from you guys, and now you gotta go save me. Plenty of action, right? We could have one of those bike scenes with me guiding it through the trees, or alien equivalent thereof."*

"I thought you lost your bike," the lieutenant cuts in to say.

*"What I don't need now is a critic. All right, I'm running along, trying to head in the direction of Quanta Markos despite the obstacles and difficulties the renegades put in my way, obstacles and difficulties like themselves. Go into details on my heavy breathing, my adrenaline rise, my determinedness, and throw in a few close calls. Full of suspense, right? Just at the last moment some of the renegades get me cornered."*

"I take it you're blocked off by an alien tree," the lieutenant interrupts.

"Let's make it the kind that grabs ya and then chokes ya," the sergeant adds.

*"You want to get me killed?! I just tripped is all. Got it...just tripped. You guys get there in the nick of time and...."*

"And we leave and come back when it's all over," adds the sergeant.

*"No! Now stop interrupting! And a fight breaks out. The sergeant gets knocked out."*

"No way!" the lieutenant contradicts him. "No one can knock him out with anything short of a bulldozer or battery of heavy blaster cannons."

*"All right, he gets hit some. The lieutenant, on the other hand, goes after the girl, Cammy."*

"Naturally," the lieutenant agrees.

*"So now we get back to the part I purposely left 'til later. You go to grab her. She's a master at self-defense, and she has you on the ground and in an embarrassing position before you can even figure out what's going on."*

"Great," says the lieutenant.

*"And you don't get loose, cause she's tough, until the colonel aims a gun at her and tells her to let you go. By then most of the fight's over though."*

"That's okay by me," the lieutenant puts in. "Fighting's not my favorite part of the job anyway."

"By then most of our job's over too," the colonel adds.
*"Not yet. We just about have things wrapped up when the rest of the renegades come riding within range. Wait, don't say anything...riding, or something or other. Decide later. We're forced to retreat, being outgunned."*

"Never stopped us before," the lieutenant comments.
*Ignoring the comment, "We leave behind all the renegades and make it out of there, back to the van safely. I'll need a new bike, Sergeant."*

"Not if you're gonna mess it up again, fool."

*"While my bike is being worked on...."*

"Work on it yerself," the sergeant complains.

*"While I rebuild my bike into a minichopper, we go over everything I learned during my infiltration."*

"Which is?" the colonel asks, curious.

*"First, I know who some of them are."*

"We already covered that," the lieutenant reminds him, trying to speed up the proceedings.

*"Second, we know where their base is."*

"That's obvious," the sergeant comments.

*"Third,...uh third...."*

"First," says the Colonel, "why are they attacking the town?"

"...Or don't they know," the lieutenant adds.

*"This guy made them some promises, so they came here to collect, only they were scammed."*

The lieutenant replies, "Don't look at me. I don't want to make business for us that badly."

*"No. They're attacking the town so obviously someone in town must have caused the problem."*

"Yer crazy, an' ya don't know what yer talkin' about," the sergeant disagrees. "We're supposed ta be helpin' the town. They're the ones who're in trouble an' they hired us."

"No Sergeant," the colonel contradicts, "I think he's on to something. If a person in town started the problem, that could explain why the townspeople won't talk about it."

*"Oh, there's another important piece of information I learned that I almost forgot to mention. The renegades were cheated so now they want to retaliate. They're building a big phaser or pulsar or something."*

"That's one heck of a piece of information to leave out," the lieutenant says.

*"Well.... Anyway that's the scenario, so now we've gotta solve it. So then the colonel says...."*

"Wait, now didn't we solve a problem like this last week?" asks the lieutenant.

*"That's exactly what the colonel says."*

"Let me get this straight," the colonel interrupts. "These renegades are a lot like us. They've been conned and cheated by someone in town. They were promised...something when they got here and it wasn't delivered. So now they probably can't afford to leave, and they're taking it out on the town to try and get even."

*"Yeah, that's it!"*

"Captain, I think you've got us working on the wrong side," the colonel explains.

"Yeah," say the lieutenant and sergeant in unison.

*"You really think so? Okay, here's what we'll have to do.
We could reinfiltrate, find out who pulled the con...."*

The colonel interrupts, "Wait, there's an easier way. This Jake Steele fellow is a lot like us, right? He doesn't want trouble. We could negotiate a peaceful solution for all involved. Maybe arbitrate between the townspeople and the renegades."

"I don't know," the lieutenant objects. "I think we should scam the con artist that caused the problem in the first place. Otherwise he might just keep on scamming others."

*"Wait! Hold it. This is my script. I'll decide on an ending. The planet is rich in minerals."*

"What's that have to do with it?" asks the lieutenant.

*"Simple. We put the renegades into the mining business."*

"Captain," the colonel points out matter-of-factly, "that doesn't solve anything."

*"Sure it does. It solves everything. They can make lots of money mining. More than enough to leave and pay back all of their expenses. Okay now, we go see the renegades and explain the deal."*

"Maybe you'd better finish explaining it to us first," the lieutenant objects.

"Yeah, it sounds crazy, just like you," the sergeant adds.

*"It'll work. I explain they can take all of their weapons and that big gun they were working on and rebuild them to use as mining equipment. Our ingenious sergeant can give them tips on how to get started."*

"Might work," the sergeant admits.

*"We've taken care of helping out the renegades. What have I left out?"*

"How about getting even with whoever caused the problem in the first place?" the lieutenant reminds him.

*"That's simple. He gets to watch the renegades make all that money and he won't even get a credit of it."*

"The plan does have a crazy sort of logic to it," the colonel admits.

*"All right. It's agreed then. The renegades go for the plan, which is an obvious conclusion since they'll make money if they do."*

"They probably agreed to it because you're the one deciding what they'll do," the lieutenant tells him. "Now if this were the real thing...."

*"This is a lot more real than your Babes in Bikinis script. Now I've got this script all figured out. There's a beginning, a problem to solve, and an ending that solves the problem. All that remains to be done is for you to get it typed."*

The lieutenant says, "About the typing, it's going to cost. See my time can be expensive. Instead of typing, I could be scamming...."

*"We all know you won't be doing the typing. You're going to scam one of your girl friends into doing it for you. Try to con a real writer into working on it. Give her the tape we've just made and have her fix it up by next week."*

"Why next week?" asks the lieutenant, at once sorry he asked.

*"So you can use it to con those ladies next week. You have to admit they're intelligent women. They'll need an intelligent script, like a science fiction, to back."*

"I think it'll work better if I just do a short rewrite on the Babes in Bikinis script. We've done it before and it's reliable," the lieutenant tries to explain.

*"That's just it. It's been done before. You really think those women are going to go for a script that exploits...."*

"Don't get on your soapbox. We're doing the Babes in Bikinis script and that's it. Colonel tell him."

"Personally I'd rather be watching the new Aquamaniac takes Arafel movie," is the colonel's reply.

*"Now that's the kind of second rate science fiction that's been messing up people's minds."*

"A lot of help you are, Colonel," the lieutenant says. "Look all I have to do is throw in some handsome, suntanned guys in bathing suits and the script'll sell, and that's exactly what I'm going to do for next week."

*"You really think that's all the public wants. They need mental stimulation. People are craving for good science fiction. You get this script typed, and you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to turn it into a blockbuster, like _Star Trek_ or_Star Wars_ or...."*

"No way," the lieutenant interrupts bluntly.

*"Sergeant, don't you think people would rather see a fascinating, realistic extrapolation into the frontiers of science fiction than some...some soap opera."*

"I'd rather see sports," the sergeant replies.

*"Colonel, you're intelligent. You explain it to them."*

"I've got this plan, Captain. I think I'll just go investigate the Aquamaniac Takes Arafel right now," the colonel explains.

*"But Colonel...."*

"Why don't you get the script into a written format and if you can get the funding I'll take a part as an alien or something. It'll help with your ticket sales if you have a known actor."

*"Yeah, and the lieutenant can help me with the finances, and the sergeant can help me with all the great special effects and...."*

The lieutenant asks, "Why'd you have to encourage him, Colonel?"
That's all for now - so stay tuned, everyone, and stay on the jazz!

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