- How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.
- Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
- Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
- What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
- How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
- Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
- What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
- How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!
- How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
- Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
- How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
- What would you call a lesbian with thick fingers?
Well-hung.
- What's another term for lesbian?
"Vagitarian."
- If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow.
- What does a Polish woman do after she sucks a cock?
Spits out the feathers.
- Q: Why does a woman have a forehead?
A: So after you come in her mouth, you have a place to kiss her!
- Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey,
"You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied,
"No I didn't. I said she is fuckin' Goofy."
- What's the difference between greeting the queen and greeting president clinton?
You only have to get on one knee to greet the queen!
- Q. What has 99 legs & 49 teeth?
A. The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
- Q. What's redneck foreplay?
A. "Hey, sis, get in the back of the truck."
- What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hang on to your balls. This is going to be one hell of a blow job.
- Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
- Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people have a chance to have sex.
- Q: What three two-letter words denote "small"?
A: "Is it in?"
- Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off you when you die.
- Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
- Q: What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your Honor.
- Q: Moms have Mother's Day, fathers have Father's Day. What do Single guys have?
Palm Sunday
- Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
- Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.
- Q: What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
- Q: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
- Q: Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A: They have shaky hands!
- Q: What do a Divorce in Alabama, a Tornado in Kansas, and a Hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer house.
- Q: Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A: Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.
- Q: Three tampons were walking down the street. How many of them stopped to say "Hi"?.
A: None. They were all stuck up cunts.
- Q: Why do jewish people have big noses?
A: Because Air is free
- Do you remember blowing bubbles as a kid .........yes?
Well bubbles is back in town and he'd love to see you.
- How many guys does it take to open a beer bottle?
None. It should be open when she brings it to you.
- What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
Whores fuck all your friends. Bitches fuck all your friends except you.
- What do a Rubik's Cube and a penis have in common?
The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
- What does an old lady have between her tits that a young lady doesn't?
A navel.
- What did Adam say to Eve?
Stand back, I don't know how big this thing is going to get!
- What's the true definition of trust?
Two cannibals giving each other head.
- What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
She gagged, of course!
- What do you call an open can of tuna in a Lesbians apartment?
Potpourri.
- How are women and Linoleum floors alike?
You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.
- Why do men always pay more for car insurance?
Women don't get blow jobs while they're behind the wheel.
- How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psychopath.
- How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
- What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroid's.
- What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
- What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
- What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Na-cho cheese.
- What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
- What do you call bullfighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko.
- What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
- What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
- What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
- What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
- What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
- What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
- What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
- Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
- Where do you get virgin wool?
From ugly sheep.
- Why are there so many Johnson's in the phone book?
They all have phones.
- Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
- Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
- What do you get when an epileptic farmer falls in his lettuce patch?
Seizure salad.
- A guy goes into a Chinese bar and says, "How 'bout a Stoly?"
The bartender says, "Once upon a time..."
- Did you hear they found a new use for sheep in Alabama?
� Wool.
- What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with .... The other is used to carry groceries.
- Why do Italians hate Jehovah's Witnesses?
Italians hate all witnesses.
- How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
- What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?
Bingo.
- What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A
Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
- A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "All right, I'll let you stay....but don't start nuthin."
- Charlie Manson is sitting before the parole board. He says, "Is it hot in here or am I crazy.
- Did you hear about the Amish woman who wanted a divorce?
Her husband was driving her buggy.
- A guy is driving down the street. A cop pulls him over and says, "Sir, were you aware that your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"
The guy says, "Oh, thank God! I thought I went deaf."
- What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.
- A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer and a mop.
- What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an Atheist?
Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.
- What is the difference between a Jehovah Witness and a Yugo?
You can slam the door on a Jehovah Witness.
- Q: What is arguably one of the most costly things in the world?
A: A girl who is free for the evening.
- Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So that they can stand closer to the sink.
- Q: What do you call balls on a gay?
A: Mudflaps.
- Q: What is the definition of true male eloquence?
A: When a guy can describe Dolly Pardon without using his hands.
- Q: What becomes of the guy who can't pay his bill at the whorehouse?
A: They make him wash the douches.
- Q: What should a guy do when his girlfriend forgets to take her birth control pills?
A: Give her a good tongue lashing.
- Q: What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and sex up the ass?
A: One makes your day. The other makes your hole week.
- Q: What goes into thirteen twice?
A: Michael Jackson.
- Q: What do women and ovens have in common?
A: You have to get them both hot before you can stick your meat in.
- Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A. � To find a tight seal.
- Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
- Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire
hydrant, what is on the outside?
A. K9P.
- Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence
- Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.
- Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
- Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
- Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
- Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
- Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
- Q. How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A. You fill it with gas.
- Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A. God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
- Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
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