Conspiracy Time!

Paul Francis de Valera

If you’ve been in the punk scene for a couple of years, you’ve probably heard conspiracy theories of all colors, shapes and sizes. Most involve “The Man” or “Them,” (not to be confused with giant ants) or other ambiguous bringers of smashed puppy heads and general badness. The theories detailed here, have no such grounds, in fact one may see them as completely baseless and just plain stupid. So you’ve been warned.

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe White Supremacy Theory:

So you’re thinking, “What the fuck?” Good. That’s a good place to start for this. He-Man, (Remember the cartoon in the 80’s) and his fellow “Masters of the Universe,” are a bunch of white supremacists. Lets’ take a look at where they live, in a big white castle that is located in the middle of a savage wasteland. Now, in a historical sense a castle would need to have outlying farms, and a town to support the inhabitants of the castle. Not He-Man and friends, no sir. As a paragon of Aryan Supremacy, they are able to survive and even thrive in an otherwise foreboding landscape without any of the aforementioned infrastructure. Maybe they grow their food underground or use magic, however they do, He-Man and his goose-stepping pals are doing just fine. Now let’s look at He-Man himself. During the regular hours where he is ironing out his SS uniform and polishing his jackboots, he’s known as Adam. Now, if you check out a really old book of fiction called the Bible, you’ll see that Adam is the first man. This means that he’s the man of men, the father of all men, or if you like the UberMensch if you want to get Nietzscheian about it. Adam is a well-built, tall man with blue eyes and a blonde Dutch-boy haircut. If Adam was real, and around during the lovely “Fun with Adolph” era (1933-45) he’d be a pin-up model in every Brownshirt’s bunker. In addition to his regular incinerating Jews for lamp oil mode, when he goes into super Aryan god mode, he holds his magic sword aloft and becomes the “Master of the Universe”. Well, the Nazi’s wanted to be the masters of the universe too, I guess we should have liked Adolph’s paintings, just goes to show you that art fags should not be slighted.  He-Man is now a total ass-kicker and proceeds to beat the crap out of Skeletor and his cronies. When in this mode, you can see he is adorned with an Iron Cross on his leather harness, yet more Aryan/Nazi/Teutonic icons floating around. Now you may be thinking, “What about the other guys in the white castle?” “Some of them have dark hair, yes?” Well yes, but they are all lily white, and if I’m not mistaken, they all have blue eyes. Not to mention, they are all built like Adonis, except for Tela, and she’s a piece of ass for sure. So now we move on to Skeletor and his buddies. Skeletor and his friends represent the un-pure, Non-Aryan races. This means Blacks, Jews, Latinos, Middle Easterners, and everyone else (including the author) that does not fit into the contemporary view of what it is to be Aryan. The original Aryans were peoples that lived north of India proper, and would most likely be dark haired and complected, so we’re not talking about them. Skeletor and company are ugly, they have stooped postures, speech impediments (Merman), they are mostly dumb, base, and greedy. Their flaws are very apparent, and they wallow in their weakness, always whining and trying to get the upper hand on each other instead of unifying like He-Man and his pure-blood neighbors.  The bad guys are often done in by their own infighting and bickering. He-Man always triumphs, but some times it’s partly through the inherent weaknesses that are pervasive in the inferior non-Aryan races that are represented in Skeletor and his pals. In the end, you see that the Aryan peoples are able to surmount every challenge and win the day, if not the universe.

Brady Bunch Eugenics Program.

The Brady Bunch is not your standard Norman Rockwellesque family. The Brady Bunch is actually a eugenics program developed in parallel with the infamous MK-ULTRA drug program during the 50’s-70’s. The purpose of this program was to develop a super-human through a carefully controlled selective breeding program. Unlike Mendel’s peas, the Brady Bunch were developed for a more sinister purpose. The Brady Project was actually the combining of two separate projects that had reached their peak. The Brady men are all tall, dark, and handsome; all desirable traits for men in American culture. The Brady women are all attractive blondes, once again commonly desirable characteristics for women in our society. Not only are the Bradys bred to look superior; they have increased strength, endurance, and high pain thresholds, all of this due to their selective breeding. After these separate projects were developed, it was decided that they be joined together and given a field test. The developers of these separate projects wanted to see two things: One, if any additional offspring were developed and how they came out. Secondly, to put the Bradys into the main populace to see if any of their kill triggers would be accidentally activated by normal goings on. Like the MK-ULTRA program, the Brady Bunch Eugenics program was trying to develop a Manchurian Candidate; in other words, a programmable assassin that would carry the information of their mission deep inside their subconscious until a trigger word or phrase was spoken to them. Once this trigger was activated, the assassin would follow the coded instructions and perform their hit. Unlike the people used in the MK-ULTRA program, the Brady Program was also developing super soldiers of the future. Participants in the MK-ULTRA program were normally programmed with the use of hypnosis and drugs; the Brady program was free of such weak links. Due to their selective breeding, the Bradys had the foundation for all programming built into their genetic code. Thus, a Brady assassin could be programmed for one hit and as the political climate changed, be reprogrammed for an up-to-date target. This feature of the Brady program made it much better than the more widely known MK-ULTRA program. In addition, the Bradys were bred to be strong, quick, and resourceful. All of this made them formidable assassins, most likely not to be caught so they could be used time and time again. This also made the Bradys more cost-effective, and bureaucrats love to save dollars. To make sure everything was going well, and for updates to the Brady’s programming, the government inserted a mole: Alice. Alice is an agent, and her job is to keep tabs on the Brady family. She checks on their emersion into regular society and checks for signs of mental breakdown and other symptoms that would cause them to scrap the program. Alice got her contact via Sam the Butcher. He’s the outside contact from the agency; keep in mind that a veneer of normalcy needs to be maintained in the Brady household to keep the integrity of the variables intact.

Gilligan’s Island

                Gilligan is not the dull-witted first mate that we’ve all come to know and love. Gilligan is a genetic engineer of the highest caliber, and he has a nasty habit of performing experiments upon living human subjects. The whole trip was planned to crash out in uncharted islands so Gilligan could continue his experiments with out risk of incarceration by world police agencies.  If you didn’t know, using human subjects is forbidden by international law, and the penalty for violating this law is severe. So, Gilligan was already being hunted when he orchestrated his clever plan to hide away in international waters where he would be relatively safe. Gilligan knew there would be a storm coming that weekend, and he chartered a boat with his lackey and willing accomplice: the Skipper. Gilligan disabled the compass in the ship on purpose, and with the aid of the Skipper, was able to navigate the boat to a cluster of uncharted islands. The other members of the S.S. Minnow were carefully selected: The Howells we picked for their vast wealth that Gilligan could tap into when he returned to the mainland. The Professor for Obvious reasons, was a clever cover for Gilligan to get all of his scientific instruments to the island and not arouse suspicion. Ginger had Hollywood contacts that were often tied to the underworld. Gilligan could have use for these contacts. They could help find rare supplies for his genetic machinations. And lastly, Mary Ann, she’s the guinea pig for Gilligan’s on going work.  During such a big storm, and in a small a craft as the Minnow was, the authorities would presume Gilligan and his henchman the Skipper to be dead. The search was called off for the most part, and Gilligan could breathe easy for a while. His picture was still on various watch groups wanted lists, so he still had to keep hidden, until things blew over back on the mainland. You may think that this is pretty far fetched but if you think about it, it’s not. They could build a radio out of coconut shells but could not manufacture a sea-worthy craft to save their lives. Every time they encountered someone that could take them back, who messed it up? Gilligan. When they did manage to build a boat on several occasions, who sunk the boat by “accident?” Gilligan. Gilligan, always the one to blame for keeping the castaways stuck on that island. The other random people that they would encounter would be contacts for Gilligan, informing him on what was going on in the world and who was hunting him etc. Of course, none of them could ever help them get off the island, and if the others cornered this agent into helping, Gilligan was always there to foil things at the critical moment.

Smurf Communism Theory:

The Smurfs are pinkos. If you take even a casual look at the goings on at Smurf village, you’ll see overt signs of Communist ideology all over their mushroom laden landscape. First, let’s start with the Smurfs themselves. Each Smurf has a name that signifies their place or job title in the Smurf society. Handy Smurf builds things, Greedy Smurf if the cook, Brainy Smurf is the scholar, etc. Each and every Smurf has a job, and they are known by that job alone. This basically means that they are all working class and have equal status in the Smurf society. Even though Greedy Smurf may serve a more important purpose, (making all the food) he is on equal status with Jokey Smurf who is a professional prankster and entertainer. The same could be said for all the regular Smurfs in the Village. When they eat, Every Smurf gets an equal share. Labor and various tasks are assigned based upon ability, and then by the need for extra labor. Always though, the Smurfs are unified in their labor and share the work collectively. Papa Smurf, (Papa Joe?) dressed in red, is the leader of the Smurf village. Papa Smurf is much older than the other Smurfs, and in the early episodes, he always stresses that one-day he’ll be gone and the younger Smurfs will have to lead them selves. This is one of the basic tenants of Communist ideology: a leaderless society.

Gargamel and Azarel (the human wizard and his cat) represent Capitalism. They are the embodiment of Capitalist avarice, always trying to capture six Smurfs, so they use them in an alchemical potion to turn lead into gold. When Gargamel and Azarel locate and attack Smurf village, invariably it throws the Smurf commune into a state of chaos. The reason for this is that all the members of Smurf village are trying to act as individuals to solve the problem. When the Smurfs act as individuals and not as a group, they are met with defeat. This not only applies to when Gargamel and Azarel attack, but any instance where a young Smurf tries to break out of the group and assert his individuality. Only when the Smurfs unify, do they succeed in repelling Gargamel or any other obstacle. If you’re wondering about Smurfette, remember that she was created by Gargamel to corrupt the Smurfs from within. She had stringy black hair, but when the Smurfs warmed her over to the auspices of the party, she grew a flowing mane of blonde hair; perhaps they should team up with He-Man and the Masters of the Universe.

Zine  Releases  Special Offers  Projects  Goals  Contact  Links Pics Comics  Home Resource FAQ