Dailies
Friday, April 1, 2005.
How to Be Amazing: Be like Rhiannon.
Michaela is failing school. She is neither working nor paying attention. I'm not sure what to do about it. Crack down? Ease off? I've tried the crack down method; all is does is make us angry with each other. I think I'll back off. She's almost 16. She can make decisions for herself. I spent some time with my Love and Logic Parenting book, getting advice. He's all for it. He also requires that non-workers get a job.
Saturday, April 2, 2005.
Don went to Joe's house again for a Friday night Date Night. They hung out watching TV and snacking. Shit. I want to be there.
All weekend, Don hung around me, looking at me, touching me, trying to be with me. He buys me little gifts like flowers and treats. I reject him. I'm just not into him any more. I don't want a guy who only contributes $500 per month to his family, is a substance abuser, and has that incredible mean streak that he's got. The only reason he's so nice to me is because I'm mean to him. If I were nice, he'd go back to being a complete ass. When I push him away, he laughs. He's too immature to ask, "What's wrong?" He's never in twenty years of marriage asked what's wrong.
Family is crap. The whole idea is false. All these years I've focused on family but I've been wrong. Look what I've got after all this time: Siblings who don't care, a husband who can't fulfill responsibility.
Sunday, April 3, 2005.
I asked for a sign while out jogging on the track. I found a tiny broken chain. Break the chain? I wondered. Broken chains are considered bad things. The world doesn't want broken chains or weak links, it wants strong ones. But the more I think about it, the more I think the message is true. I'm going to break the chain of family that I've worn for so long. It is a false good. I'll break the chain of everything I've considered good. No honor-duty-virtue. No sweet tender heart.
Wednesday, April 6, 2005.
Kendall's 18th Birthday.
I wondered all day what surprise she'd have for me now that she's reached her majority. You know how kids ask to do crazy things, and the answer is generally 'Yes, when you're eighteen!' So what will she have today? A tattoo? Bright green hair?
Later: It's a tongue stud. And a pack of cigarettes. So after dinner, the girls and I went out on the porch and had a smoke. Really. Even Michaela, who's 15. The girls all looked pretty cool and sophisticated with their cigarettes. They obviously have more experience with smoking than they've let on. For me, that was probably the fourth cigarette I've ever had in my life. I learned something, sitting there smoking with the kids. I learned that sitting around smoking with friends is a neat way to pass the time. You talk and shoot the breeze. I had a good time.
Friday, April 15, 2005. Tax Day.
I finished the taxes last night. Every year I tell myself I'll get them done in January, and every year I complete them the last week they are due.
I've realized something important: every act is both bad and good. Every single thing you do has a good effect and a bad effect. It doesn't matter if you try to do good -- bad happens anyway. Try to do bad, and good will come of it.
You know what? It's fun to reject Don. Ha ha! He rejected and criticized me for so so long and made me so so miserable. But things have changed. I've grown strong and now I reject. I've gained power and now I criticize. What fun!
I bought a bikini at the thrift store today to wear in my "Before" picture. I'm starting the Body for Life program this week. It's 12 weeks of working out and eating small portions of health food. I look pretty horrible in a bikini, let me tell you. Can I stick to the program? Can I really shape up my hips and thighs? Stay tuned.
I Thought You Loved Me More Than That; ExplodingDog.com
2005
January
February
March
April
May
June
July
August
September
October
November
December