Dailies

Thursday, January 1, 2004
Today was a GREAT day! I got Rhiannon back and I overcame a challenge.

I got up early (not easy, as I'd stayed up till 12:30) and headed down the road to Silver City, New Mexico, ten hours away. God, I hate long road trips. I can't stand being bored for so many hours on end. I was having a very difficult time of it till I realized I should treat it as a challenge, as something to be successful at. Once I decided to win I did much better. I "danced" to lively music, listened to books on tape and did lots of thinking. You know what else I did? Well, no, I won't tell you. :-)

I put Rhiannon up at the EconoLodge yesterday and there she was awaiting my arrival. She had homemade dreadlocks ("dread" being a fitting description) and many tales of her adventures with the Rainbow Family. She had a wonderful time and is looking forward to going back.

She contracted an ear infection while she was gone. Natural remedies had no effect on it. After a week of pain she went in to the local emergency room where she received treatment and a prescription for antibiotics. She gave the hospital a fake name and address. She "spainged" to pay for the antibiotics. That's a contraction of "spare change." It means to beg. I'm much more willing to give to beggars I meet now that my own daughter has had to beg for medicine money.

Sunday, January 4, 2004
Went ice skating. By myself. I love the feel of balance, grace and speed.

Tuesday, January 6, 2004
The whole family went to see Return of the King and we greatly enjoyed it. The director did a good job bringing Tolkien's story to the screen. Don and Rhiannon went in one car, me and K and M in another. We met at the theatre. It was kind of a father/daughter outing for Don and Rhiannon.

Wednesday, January 7, 2004
Joe called. He wanted something -- to be able to use me as a reference on his lease application. I said sure. He must not know a soul if he has to use me. He said he hadn't seen me for a while and I should stop by. I said I would sometime when I was out walking the dog. That was a lie, though. I don't ever intend to see him again. He made a few sexually tinged comments, as usual. He must think I'm a slut, talking to me like that.

Thursday, January 8, 2004
I'm sick. Sick sick sick. I have a cold. But I'm at work anyway. And in spite of my illness, life is good. I have a sunny office, nice co-workers, a cup of hot tea and Mozart on the boom box.

Friday, January 9, 2004
Dinner at the Pearl Wok in remembrance of Mom who passed away three years ago today. Earlier today the siblings had a heated e-mail discussion about whether the grandkids should come. Not a problem for me; my kids are teens. Everyone else's are early elementary and preschool. In the end, I brought mine, Maria brought hers, Ray brought his, Tess left her eight at home (thank goodness), Rick didn't come at all. Ray's boys were getting pretty restless toward the end so I took them outside where we all ran around and had a wonderful time.

Sunday, January 11, 2004
I had a wonderful time at the local library listening to a folk singer. Sadly, I fell into despair when I got home and I found my husband watching TV, the kids tapping away at their computers and the kitchen a mess. I'm supposed to make dinner in that? I enjoy cooking for everyone but not when I'm treated with such disrespect. I felt like I was the only one who cared at all about family matters. It seemed like everyone was busy at their own selfish pursuits leaving Mom the house elf to make sure the day-to-day necessities were taken care of. I moped around until I began to cry then got back in my car and went for a long drive. Nothing had changed when I got back except that everyone had wondered where I was. I told Don to take some responsibility. He started the dishes and that made me feel a lot better. We all watched a movie and that time of togetherness made me feel better, too. You know what, though? Don never did actually do the dishes. He only filled the sink with hot soapy water.

Monday, January 12, 2004
Good family day. The kitchen was clean when I got home from work. Don was in a good mood and interacted cheerily with the children and myself. Rhiannon later commented on the fact that he's been happier lately.

She's been reading a Richard Feynman book which has inspired her to learn everything about everything. I took her to the library so she could begin to fulfill this goal. We checked out tons of books. Back at home we watched the specials on the Pirates of the Caribbean DVD.

From a review on Amazon.com of Why God Won't Go Away: 'The larger question, that of whether the mystical experience is the experience of a transcendent other, remains unanswered. Evolution, being based on chance, even if the die are somewhat loaded, can err and produce a brain fixated on worshiping its own illusions. On the other hand, mystics may be in a position similar to that of the first amoeba to sense light. "I 'see' things," she tells her psychiatrist, "before I bump into them." The good amoeba doctor wisely prescribes a medication to rid her of such experiences.'

Wednesday, January 14, 2004
I've been working in my Intensive Journal, going over the Early Marriage Steppingstone Period. I find that from the beginning Don has not been a good provider, has never intended to be a good provider, has always been willing to let me work while he "finds" himself. How in the world did I miss that before I married him?

What I wanted, when I married, was a man who would be a good husband and father, interested in children, capable of making a living, a Christian who was committed to doing what's right and to continued spiritual growth. I didn't get that. What Don wanted was a woman who would work side by side with him and help him in his job. I have to tell you, I tried for thirteen years. I worked in his business but I'll never do that again. He was constantly angry with me, blamed me for what went wrong, and never concerned himself with the money side of things. He worked 70 hours a week and was upset that I didn't put in the kind of hours he did. The children pretty much grew up without him.

Thursday, January 15, 2004
Archery with the SCA. I took Rhiannon and we had a ton of fun. I've mentioned my feelings about medieval re-enactment (it's silly) but I like archery and it's nice having people to do it with.

I'm reading several fantastic books right now: Fourteen, Growing Up Alone in a Crowd; The Power of Secular Humanism; What Makes the Great Great.

Friday, January 16, 2004
My niece Sara completed her accredited homeschool kindergarten program this morning. On Monday she begins first grade. I gave her Dr. Seuss's The Foot Book as a graduation present. I wish . . . I wish I had homeschooled. I read all about it. I wish I had had my husband's backing for the things I tried to do with the children.

As you, dear reader, think about homeschooling, think: I wonder what would have helped me more, better socialization or a closer bond with my mother and father?

I've been listening to all my CD's, one by one. It's kinda cool. Once I'm done here, I think I'll work through the CD's at my local library. They've got a large collection.

Thursday, January 22, 2004
A very bad evening. I'm angry at Rhiannon. I'm angry because she was gone all day yesterday and all day today; angry because she wants to be away from the house rather than at home; angry because she has friends to hang with while I have none; angry because she is everything and I am nothing; angry because I need her so much just when I'm supposed to be letting her go.

We had an argument over something small -- what the AmeriCorps handbook says about meals. We both left mad.

I thought, so long ago, that I was raising my future best friend so I had to do a good job of it. Now I see how impossible that idea was. She's all raised but we can't be friends. I can't sustain a friendship. I've got nothing to offer. There's no one here to be friends with.

I wish I could be a healthy happy mom. I could when the children were small. Now they've grown healthy and happy themselves. I can't pretend anymore. The truth is coming out: I'm not worthy of them, not good enough to be their friend, not interesting or exciting enough.

I'm going to run away. I'll smash all the furniture and burn it out back. I'll cut myself. I want to cut myself.

Friday, January 23, 2004
Okay, that was pitiful.

I'm reading two very cool books: Kinship with All Life by J. Allen Boone and Civility Rediscovered by Scott Peck. The first is inspiring, the second eye-opening.

I popped into my favorite thrift store at lunch for some shopping therapy. Thrift store shopping is such a wonderful treasure hunt. It is so much more thrilling than retail shopping because of the chance that one might find something really neat for really cheap. Today I got a $20 Barbie doll in a very pretty dress for a quarter (inspiration for my Barbie sewing), a black leather jacket, colorful mugs for the office kitchen and a steamer for giving oneself facials. Why does the acquisition of yet more material things make you feel so good?

Monday, January 26, 2004
Got up VERY EARLY this morning (3:30 a.m.!) in order to take Rhiannon to the airport for her 7:00 flight. She's off to Maryland and to the NCCC! I'll sure miss her and her sense of fun and adventure. At the same time, I'm very glad she's gone. It's been very hard for me, letting go, letting her grow up. It's been hard on her too, poor thing. Also, with her gone I won't be comparing myself to her so much. She's got friends and excitement and can come and go as she pleases. She's bubbly and loves life. She's not an old dodo head like me.

Don drove, which means of course that we were alone in the car together on the trip back. Which means it was very quiet in the car as we have nothing to say to one another.

Tonight was the first drawing class of the semester. I had a great time. Emma, Cole, Robert and Greg are back. I met one new person and look forward to meeting a lot more in the coming weeks.

Drawing is still somewhat painful for me but I plan on sticking with it till I'm pretty good. Like sewing, it takes a lot of patience which I don't have a lot of.

Rhiannon called in the evening to say she was settled in. Unfortunately I missed her as I was at class.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Rhiannon called again because she felt like chatting. She filled me in on what it's like so far. She's having a great time. She's living in a one-bathroom house with six other girls. There are plenty of other kids on base. She and her roommates agree that all the guys are hot. They'll be in training for a few weeks, then off on volunteer assignments.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004
My birthday! I was given a wonderful gift many years ago -- the gift of life. I know that sounds corny, and I know that I've had my difficulties, but on whole, life is a wonderful adventure and I am really glad to be alive.

Drawing class today. Boy, do I like drawing class. I'm in Drawing II. Emma and Cole from last semester have returned as well. Emma and I have opted to repeat the Drawing I curriculum. I am very glad I'm doing that. I am still a shaky drawer and this is building my confidence. We go into the big room with all the other Drawing I kids. It's great to have so many other beginning drawing students around. There are some nice friendly people in there and it already feels warm and welcoming, perhaps because I'm more open to it, more warm and welcoming myself. I started talking to other students on the first day, thereby setting the example.

I Thought You Loved Me More Than That; ExplodingDog.com

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