Dailies

Saturday, May 1, 2004
Quest for the Unicorn's Horn. I went for the morning and I did okay. I worked Troll for a while which gave me an opportunity to meet people. I very much enjoyed that. I also talked to Cecily at length and chatted with Lia and Reshana. I danced in the Maypole dance which was a lot of fun. I didn't sing to the Baronness, which I should have done, if only to practice my song in front of an audience so I can sing it at a bardic sometime. Plus I would have won a token. I was overcome with panic several times. I look out over the field and think "Oh my god, who am I going to talk to next." These SCA events are good for me. They force me to get out with people. Someday I'll even be successful!

In the evening I visited my YahooGroup chat room. It's something I do every Saturday. I'm getting to know the girls--it's mostly girls, with the occasional male sprinkled here and there. Nice chat tonight as usual. Charlie confessed that he had never been intimate with a woman. Tami told us a story from her crazy younger days. Jan and Kione contributed wise words. Sue and Sabrina were there, too; the whole gang.

Sunday, May 2, 2004
Slept late, then did chores with the girls, then popped to the library with Kendra for a couple hours, then went by myself to Dad's for a short visit. Mary and Ray were there with their kids. Mary wants to learn to knit. I told her I'd teach her. Not that I'm any good but I do know how to cast on, how to knit and how to purl. I'm going to research medieval knitting. Apparently it came to Europe from Arabia through Spain. Excellent. My persona is Spanish. Spanish knitting will be an excellent bit of history to specialize in.

I've decided to lose six pounds by the end of this month. At 5'6" and 128 lbs I'm not overweight by any means. However, my best weight is 120. I've been slowly inching up over the winter, and now my jeans no longer fit. A few extra pounds makes a big difference, especially when they are all in your ass.

Monday, May 3, 2004
I feel grumpy. I don't know why. Just grumpy. Like no one likes me and I like no one. I huddled in my office all day. Toward the end I finally forced myself to make a connection. I talked to one of my co-workers about his weekend. I usually expect people to run away from me, so while he was talking I kept wondering when he would quit and beat a retreat. He didn't though. He stayed and kept chatting. I'd better do The Work on the belief that no one wants to talk to me.

Michaela was angry at me yesterday because of a punishment I enforced. Today she's better. We had a nice time talking and laughing this evening. She told me about her day.

I was thinking today about how wonderful it has been to have three neat kids. I've been so lucky to be their mom. Each year has been a precious jewel. I wrote these things in my journal and read them aloud to M and K as I wrote. K said it was silly and bit me on the shoulder. (She always does that. It's a love bite.) Then she went and got her homework -- Latin translation -- and read it to me. So I think she liked what I was writing.

Tuesday, May 4 , 2004
I got a lot of things on my to-do list done today, which always makes me feel good. I hemmed the red garb skirt, uploaded another picture to humanclock.com, called my sister, exercised, etc.

Suddenly I feel really fat. It hasn't happened suddenly; my weight has been inching up all winter. But now I can't stand it. Most of my jeans don't fit. My waist is disgustingly thick. My legs are out of shape. My butt is blobby. And yet my upper body is too skinny. My arms are toothpicks. I know the solution: become a swimmer. That will increase chest circumference and muscle mass, giving me a much more balanced look. Maybe I'll have time once my class is over.

Wednesday, May 5 , 2004
Drawing class today. We've got four pictures due next Monday. My pics are Waterfall, The Land of Fruit, Nude 1 (Graphite) and Nude 2 (Charcoal). I'm not done with any of them but they are coming along nicely. The teacher complimented me on my work; said I was drawing with much more confidence this semester than last. It's true.

Drawing class is a very nice class. Did I connect with anyone in class today? Well, I talked with Jerry and Leroy a little. I avoided contact with Billy when I was sitting outside on the steps, but that's only because I was singing a sad song to myself when he came out, and thinking about my dead mother and how wrong I was to resent her all those years. I was sniffling a little and wasn't ready for company.

Thursday, May 6 , 2004
Michaela is failing freshman French. Seems like she's always been failing one course or another, sometimes several at a time, ever since middle school. She's a smart little thing, too, but she just doesn't take school seriously. Missing assignments? Who cares? For Michaela, school is the place you go to be with your friends.

I spent an enjoyable evening at Dad's. Cleopatra with Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton was on TV so we watched that for a while. The porch was swarming with mosquitos. They plastered themselves up against the windows. I felt like I was living in an Alfred Hitchcock movie. We also discussed Nan-isms -- the good advice Nan, his mother, had to say. For example:

• Deny it. Even if you're caught bare-assed naked in bed with someone else, deny it. They want to believe you.
• Virtue often gets the credit that should really go to cold feet.
• When you are breaking the law, commit the deed to memory. Don't take pictures to better remember the fun.

I've signed up for the Shyness Group on Yahoo.com. I'm looking forward to sharing painful stores of social anxiety with all the other members. Hurray!

Weekend, May 7-9 , 2004
Enjoyable weekend. Saturday I went down to my brother Ray's to celebrate his son's First Communion. Several other friends of his were there that I did not know. I didn't experience the panic that I did when I went to Tess's a couple weeks ago. However, I didn't talk to them much at all. I just didn't bother myself to do so. Sunday I went to my sister Maria's to teach her how to knit. By the end of the session she was casting on successfully. She said I changed her life. She had been so afraid of the difficulties of knitting that she was psychologically blocked. I cured that.

Rhiannan bought me a spa trip for Mother's Day. She arranged the whole thing long distance from Maryland. It started at 5:30. I went up to town a bit early so I'd have time to find the place. It was near the library. A public jam session was taking place on the lawn, with percussion and dancing. I joined in for a bit, then it was off to the spa where I soaked in a whirlpool for a while, then got an hour-long massage. It was wonderful. Afterward I stopped at a deli to pick up a bite to eat. There was a cute young guy behind the counter who gave me the most wonderful smile. Like he thought I was the most wonderful thing ever. I was confused. Why was he smiling like that? Was I particularly beautiful at that moment because of the massage? He was both cuter and younger than I, and I did not feel worthy of his smile. I was much too embarrassed to connect with him. Afterwards I regretted my embarrassment. From now on I vow to always smile back. If something's going to happen, let it happen!

Monday, May 10 , 2004
I'm now the proud owner of a padded bra. It gives me an excellent profile. Quite impressive!

Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Michaela showed me a message her friend wrote to her. It's in Leet. Can you read it?

/\/\1(|-|43|_4

|-|3|_|_0 /\/\1(|-|43|_4! |-|333|-|333! |_33+!!! 15/\/'+ "7" = +0 "+"? 6|2|2|2! +|-|15 15 +|235 |=|_|/\/, /\/0/\/? |3|_3|_|6|-|! 1 4+3 /\/\33535 |=0|2 |3|234|<|=45+!!! /\/\\/\/4|-|4|-|4!!!! \/\/3|_|_, 1 +|-|1/\/|< +|-|15 1s 3/\/0|_|6|-| |_33+ |=0|2 +0|)4`/! `/0|_|'|23 4 +0|)4`/!!! |3\/\/4|-|4|-|4444!!! >< - |)34+|-|!!! |3`/|3`/3!!!

~ |<4+`/

Translation:

Hello Michaela! Hee-Hee! Leet!!! Isn't "7" = to "+"? Grrr! This is tres fun, non? Bleugh! I ate meeses for breakfast!!! Mwahaha!!!! Well, I think this is enough leet for today! You're a today!!! Bwahahaaaa!!! X-Death!!! ByBye!!!

Thursday, May 13, 2004
Today I'm wearing a bra that holds the girls snugly and close to my chest. Quite a different look. Boyish, really.

I've got a great weekend planned. Archery tonight, knitting party with Maria on Friday, a night at the symphony on Saturday, and ice skating Sunday. Plus reading, drawing, sewing, a little Firefly, some domesticity and some garden work. Sweet!

Friday, May 14, 2004
I was so up this morning. I was flying. I had a wonderful time at archery last night. I didn't do so hot, but I enjoyed being with everybody. And I dreamed about Simon, our archery master. And I was excited about knitting with Maria and her kids. So emotionally I was soaring. But now I've crashed. I feel tired, a bit down, and I'm wondering how I'll have the energy to get through the rest of the day. My weekend plans don't seem so interesting to me as they did yesterday. I think I'll take a nap when I get home. A nap sounds delicious.

Weekend, May 14-16, 2004
Weekend nice. I had a great time knitting with Maria on Friday. Saturday's highlights included a phone conversation with Rhiannon, online myth group chat and a evening at the symphony. Sunday was all about iceskating, cookie making with Sara and dinner out with Michaela, after which we rented Big Fish and stayed up way too late.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004
I have got a ton of half-finished garb to complete and it's taking me forever to get it done. However, I did make a little progress this evening, plus I figured out how to get the straps attached on my quiver. Did I tell you about my quiver? It's a mailing tube covered with red faux snakeskin. Boy, is it beautiful. Also this evening: watched American Idol with Kendall, which was a lot of fun. Fantasia was the strongest singer this evening. She's very good, but she gets a blank look on her face when she sings. It's very odd. Plus she's about as graceful as a scarecrow. The other two contestants did not do well this evening.

Wednesday, May 18, 2004
Here's the plan for tonight: Make a tunic top from the cream and white striped material. Finish quiver.

Thursday, May 27, 2004
The tunic top turned out terrible. I threw it away. No big loss, as the material was $1/yard scratchy polyester. The quiver is great. The quiver is wonderful. I love the quiver.

I've been thinking about my mom. What did it feel like to be so sick? Did she know her death was coming closer? Did she know that she wouldn't be coming back from the hospital?

I was there with her when she died. I held her hand and smoothed her hair, which was more physical contact with her than I ever remember getting. She liked me okay, I guess, but I don't know if she loved me. She probably wanted to but couldn't. Maybe she was just undemonstrative, maybe she couldn't give to me what she never got from her own mom, maybe she was just too overwhelmed by the number of children she had and the difficulty of marriage with my dad.

I didn't know all that as a child, though. I resented her and resented her and resented her.

Memorial Day Weekend, May 28-31, 2004
So how did I do this weekend? Can I count this weekend as successful? Did I meet my watchwords? Did I move toward my goals?

Watchwords: Excitement - Learning - Connection - Authenticity - Mastery - Industry - Awareness

I watched American Beauty with Michaela then looked up the symbolism on the Internet. Roses constricted, roses wild and untamed. I babysat for Tess so she could have some time alone with daughter Emily. Babysitting for Tess is a mind-blowing experience. She's got 9 kids. I went to a party celebrating my nephew's first communion. I got there before anyone else I knew, and while I stood there by myself panic and fear began to descend upon me. Luckily a friendly person with whom I had a slight acquaintance made conversation with me. Then my siblings showed up and I talked with them at length. What else did I do? I drove to the ice rink to skate but it was closed for the holiday. I watched the Indy 500 with Don up till it was rained out. I took Michaela shopping. I enjoyed breakfasts on the porch. I took the family out to Efrain's for our first local restaurant tasting party. I knitted. I worked on garb. I went jogging twice. I attended JCMG chat on Saturday night and talked to everyone for a couple hours. I found a place to shoot arrows nearby. I walked the dog. I watched a Firefly episode. I read XSLT for Dummies. I read a bit of Mythic Image. I drove with Kendall, who is working on her license.

so I had a nice, busy, enjoyable weekend. Once I felt overwhelming panic, but more often I was filled to overflowing with fullness and love.

I Thought You Loved Me More Than That; ExplodingDog.com

2003

2004
January
February
March
April
May
June
July
August
September
October
November
December