Dailies
Tuesday,
September 9.
Took Rhiannon to the Bookworm and then to fighter practice
where I helped her get in armor. I don't really like the other players
in our shire. Only a few of them are very warm or welcoming. Most of
them look at me like I don't exist.
Back at home, watched a neat show about the making and destruction of the World Trade Center towers. Quite moving.
Wednesday,
September 10.
Did
well in drawing class today. The teacher help up my variable line width
drawing for all to admire. Also found out that my perspective drawing
was posted in a display case in the hallway. My hope is renewed. Maybe
I will be a good drawer after all.
Saturday, September 13.
Crown Tournament today. We (Rhiannon and I) didn't go to
the tourney but did go to the feast, where we had a wonderful time.
Our favorite bard won the competition with two excellent pieces,
the first a spoken poem about a stable-boy's ill-fated hunt for a
white stag and the second a rousing rendition of her kingdom war
song. She's the one who wrote the Guenevere song I admire so much.
Rhiannon looked beautiful in the court dress I made for her. We met
some new people and talked to one of the bards of Unser Hafen and
his wife, who were very kind and lent us paper plates as we had left
the house without our feast gear. Also met Faran who has recently
moved here from another kingdom. Afterward we helped clean up, a
good way to get one's face recognized. I'm never sure from one event
to the next if I want to continue in the SCA. I'm having a nice time
meeting new people but a difficult time getting in with the local
group itself, partly my own fault as I'm not good as making friends.
Saturday, September 20, 2003
Very very difficult day. One of my dark moods overtook me. In the
morning I went to an SCA event. Rhiannon couldn't come with me as she
had to work. I dropped off the food I had made, thought I'd chat with
Rowan but she wouldn't make eye contact. I visited with a new member
for a bit, then looked around for someone I knew, spotted Brianna sitting
with someone so went over and sat down. She said hi but kept her back
to me the rest of the time. I tried to open conversation by talking
about a medieval project I was working on but was unable to generate
interest. I guess I just don't know what to say to these people. It's
always a struggle and I always wonder if I'm going to have anyone to
talk to. I left almost immediately as I don't see any reason to put
myself through torture.
I left David in charge of overseeing chores while I went to the event. Kendall and Michaela reported that he had a hissy fit. I can only imagine. I've seen those before. He did a lot of criticizing me, so they said. Be that as it may, he got a lot done and the house looks pretty good. Too bad he usually never does housework.
Sunday,
September 21. Michaela's 14th birthday!
A
good productive day. A much better day than yesterday, which was one
of my dark days. I completed my two drawings which are due tomorrow.
I watched a Joseph Campbell Power of Myth production on PBS. I walked
the dog and took R and K to the library. I made a Black Forest cake
for Michaela's b-day. Michaela is a great kid and I'm glad I have her.
Monday,
September 22.
You know, I don't think I'm destined for true love. Ain't
never gonna happen. I do not have and cannot get the qualities necessary
to get my needs met. And if that's not enough to destroy one's faith
in a loving God, I don't know what is.
I want to unload everything, become lighter and lighter, live on less and less, until I and all I have finally become transparent. What did the antagonist say as he died in Cowboy BeBop, the Movie? "I wanted to get out of this world of dreams. I kept searching for the door that would lead me out. Now I understand there never was a door." And Electra said, "Of all the days that I have lived, only those I spent with you seem real."
Drawing class in the evening. Had an enjoyable time and it pulled me out of my funky mood. We critiqued our work today. I'm proud of my two pics and am happy to report that they had a good reception from the class. We got out of class early so I popped in to say hi to Dad. We paid some bills and visited. I enjoy my private time at his house.
Friday, September 26, 2003
A bleak weekend stretches ahead of me. I've got things to do but somehow none
of them seem interesting. I'd almost rather the weekend was over so I could
be back at work. I'm learning some new skills there and I'd rather keep
working on them than hang around here.
Life sucks. There's no point to it. I've heard all the explanations and none of them excite me: "We're here to glorify God," "We're here to be the best we can be;" "Just enjoy each moment."
Monday, September 29, 2003
The weekend's over and it wasn't so bad. On Saturday Don brought me breakfast
in bed, after which he ranted about the uselessness of recreation then disappeared
all day up to his friend Bill's. The girls and I bustled about getting our
chores done. In the evening I took Rhiannon and Kendall out for Chinese while
Michaela had friends over for an informal birthday party/sleepover. Sunday
Rhiannon and I cooked breakfast for them all. It was a lot of fun. Later R
and I took the dog out to play at the dog park. We had a wonderful time throwing
the ball for her while trying to keep it away from the other dogs. I needed
to work on my drawing but was a bit reluctant to because I knew Don would
be
critical.
He
doesn't
like
things
that aren't work-related. This from someone who 1) watched T.V. for hours
on Sunday and 2) hasn't contributed financially to the family for almost a
year.
Now I'm at work, starting my Photoshop work while drinking chamomile tea and listening to Harry Belafonte. At this moment life is good.
BTW, while reading Real Web Project Management I bumped into a much better job title for myself than web production assistant. I am an HTML developer and, apparently, am in constant demand in any Web company or department. Woohoo!
I Thought You Loved Me More Than That; ExplodingDog.com